I told her I would cut all contact...

[tomjon78]

Im 35 years old. In March 2012 I began a relationship with a woman same age. I immediately fell for her. She was very spontanious and charming.  She had just broken up with a man who was narcissistic, cheated on  her and it was a very dramatic relationship which was just over a year. She also has a story of bad relationship.

Our story in short is that I fell flat for her. She was very charming and I after a couple of months I decided to move in with her. I bought an apartment beside hers an our plan was to combine the two apartment in time with our children. I have two and she has two.

She has two children after two failed relationships. She had short relationship with men who you could say are "the bad type".

I started to get comments from friends that I had change. I came very defensive of her and her behavior. Her main unusual behavior was as following:

-unstable mood swings. either very happy, passionate og very sad and easy to get upset and aggressive.

-very jealous

-I asked her to get rid of "old ghosts" from the house, which she didn´t and I found numerous love letters, nude photos etc. Later she said she got rid of it but it was in our drawers still. I usually find it right to put these kind of things in a box and keep away.

-continous comments about former spouses, sexual experiences which got me very insecure and jealous

-very open sexually and giving and got very submissive if she was drunk or after a fight

-flirted with men and continually talked about men who found her attractive

-very insecure about her appearance (even though she was attractive)

-undermined my opinions and words

-financiallly irresponsible and didn´t tell me about debt problems. I paid a lot of her debts.

-either very loving at one time or defensive and wanted "a break from me" or wanted to change me.

-had problems letting go of former spouses

-heart on her sleeve, just said everything she was thinking, that often hurt me.

-gave me the silent treatment.

-seemed to have control of my emotions

I found my suddenly to be very insecure and our relationship got to be tension driven. The lows very very low and the High´s very high.

She verbally abused me and even pushed me and said that I was crazy and etc. She was overdramatic about denial from friends or if I mentioned anything about her behaviour.

Then in january I decided to leave her but it has been very hard. I seem to be in a "cold turkey" situation. I have numerous times slept with her since then and the sex has been very intense. Then when her behavior became threatening verbally, sms texting with threatening tones, pushing my buttons I can´t make it any more. Somehow she seems to find ways to get to me.

My therapist says she may have BPD and even our marriage consultant i met by myself told me she had relationship issues from the past that need a lot of work and this could be difficult. She would even start making up stories about me being mental or a violent person.

She has contacted me now and she has started Al anon and has quit psychotherapy and in my opinion is an expert in somehow getting into the victim role very easilly and convinces others she is the victim. But even now her best friend says she is now seeing "the big picture" of her behaviour.

Her father was an alcaholic and she lost her mother at 7.

I still miss her so and our good times and I have never felt this way before. I find it so hard to break away. I have changed my phone number and closed facebook and I feel terrible. Why is this so difficult.

I have been reading about the symptoms and other reading material and I can really relate. But however the strange thing is that even though my therapist or our marriage consultant are pointing that she might have this disorder I find myself in moments of self blame and extreme mixed emotions.

I myself have a story of anxiety and a tough childhood and teenage life and that might be an impact. I started early to feel warning signs. She kept on talking about she wasn´t sure about our relationship one day but the next day I was the greatest thing ever to happen to her.

I somehow feel I´m going for like i´m kind of addictive in the way I miss the good moments but when I think about all the moments she planted "seeds of evil" in me I try to remind myself of the bad part.

For example recently a friend called my and said she had registered in the same gym as mine and at a seminar which is at the same time, a sudden interest in my hobby which I find strange.

A month after I moved out she hanged photos of me and my children on the wall and told me she and her son were looking at photos and videos of our moments, which I find very disturbing for her 11 year old son.

I´m trying my best, reading about this condition and see my therapist and try to work out and be positive. I avoid alchahol but feel sometimes very bad when I´m alone and my mind wonders about our relationship and frankly I feel very fatigued and frustrated and cheated.

I know I will be very upset if I will see her on the street and I wonder if this is common to have this feeling like you are getting rid of an addiction. Because when she showed her best side it is probably the best I have ever experienced in my life, but I have also never been so anxious and confused in a relationship. Even though I was in a nine year marriage before which I quickly recovered from.

I just sometimes just don´t trust my judgement and feel I have been f---ed up by her so I just say it bluntly.

I have never in my life been so dissapointed, felt so angry and frustrated about an relationship. Is this typical for these kind of relationships. But one thing I´ve learned is that my co-dependency was the perfect tool for her. Can anyone relate to this?

Our last meeting was two weeks ago when she showed up at my work and wanted to talk. She started with how bad she felt and then told me that she hadn´t done everything wrong except for few things even though she wrote me forgiveness letters about her abusive behaviour... .  alll of a sudden all gone because her sponsor at al anon is saying so... .  seems she has a grip on him/her. She said I was crazy and a violent person (which I totally not am) so I told her I would cut all contact. Change phone email etc. Since then nothing. But she owes me quite alot of money so I hope she will show me the respect to pay me back.

This is so hard and everyday is pain and the strange thing I miss her and am sometimes so close to contact her  

[heyhey]

Hi tomjon,

What you describe about your ex screams BPD to me, however i cannot diagnose but it seems pretty obvious.  I too am having difficulties detaching from my ex as well.  It is normal for these types of relationships to be especially hard when over.  Dont beat yourself up, you didnt do anything wrong, it is natural to doubt our actions in a BPD relationship.  I guarantee there was nothing you could do to change the outcome.  Alot of difficult emotions are going to surface(BPD relationships do that), it wont be easy but you have to face them and feel them and let them pass. Its good that you are in therapy that will help alot. As far as your money goes, you may never see it again.  I know that isnt fair but thats the way it is with them.  Its also best to stay no contact, if she wants to pay you back let her come to you. If she brings up anything besides money dont reply, it will only prolong the suffering. Keep posting and hang in there.

[heyhey]

And hold on to the bad memories of her, thats the only way you can detach.  If you allow her back new bad memories will be created and will most likley be worse this time around.  You said she seemed to be seeing the "big picture" unless she is in intensive therapy(DBT) this is not possible, dont buy into it.

[Surnia]

So sorry tomjon78, its hard to come out of these kind of unhealthy relationships 

I can very much relate with codependency and that it goes glueless together with a unhealthy rs! Sometimes life provides us with hard learning stuff  :'(

I think it is good you can aknowledge your feelings of anger, disappointement and frustration. Sounds very much like step 1 of the five steps of grieving.

I´m trying my best, reading about this condition and see my therapist and try to work out and be positive. I avoid alchahol but feel sometimes very bad when I´m alone and my mind wonders about our relationship and frankly I feel very fatigued and frustrated and cheated.

for workout, T and avoiding alc.  Try to wonder not too much about the rs or what you could make differnt looking backwards.

I would not contact her right now. She seems to be doing things to cross your path. Contacting her would send her false signs. Its good to post here when you have the urge to contact her. 

[tomjon78]

Thank you Surnia and Matt... .  It has been two days of contrast. Yesterday I passed her at a crossway on my car and she was behind me for like 5 minutes and my heart began to raise. She saw me and followed me for a while but turned back.

Had a rough night with my daughter how has epilepsy and didn´t sleep well. I thought this morning that actually dealing with that was easier than dealing with emotions with ex. Strange comparison but says something.

I went to see my therapist today and he was trying to get a sense of things and he said a few things and he is an expert in BPD:

-BPD do not have the capabilty to know you as you are. You are only a response to their emotions which are childlike.

-she will do probably two things. Since starting training at my martial art gym where I have friends she is likely to try to cross my path or start trashtalking me or even start a romantic relationship there

-that my feeling of shame, dissapointment and anger are normal and recovery is long path but neccesary... .  He even recommended I started dating to focus my energy somewhere else.

But the hard part is of course the very happy times because BPD´s are of course so spontanious and charming and do things that nobody has ever done for you before.

And of course no contact policy... .  stay strong and go on.

and forget about the money  :'(

I live in a small community so it´s quite hard not to hear news but I´ve told my friends and family I don´t want to know about her.

[heyhey]

Your therapist is right, she will probably do all sorts of things to get to you.  Dont buy into any of it, like your therapist said they are "child like".  Stick with therapy and posting here and you will make it!