she's pulling back

[zaqsert]

Well, maybe it was just a matter of time... .    Now I am split black too.

This morning she asked if we could cancel plans with a friend.  I clearly still need to work on the lessons because instead of starting with [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], I started with saying it might be hard since it was only an hour away.  Then I switched into asking what she had in mind, options she was thinking of, and any preference she may have.  My checking in with her seems to have triggered her feeling that I don't care about her and just want to do what I want.  And in a matter of seconds (from the beginning of the conversation) I was split black.

She has had practically no interaction with our daughter in the past few days.  The little interaction with me today was mostly hostile or apparently trying to pick a fight.

I don't know if this was a good thing to do or not, but at one point I told her I wanted to say something.  She paused the TV show she was watching.  I said... .    It seems clear to me that you are feeling really crappy.  Besides, you said so yourself.  I'm sorry about how you are feeling.  It must feel terrible.  If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.  And if there is anything to what I feel I may be picking up, that you may feel that I / we / none of us care about you at all, then please try to find a way to accept that we really do want to help in any way that we can.  We just need to know what that is.

Then she asked "Are you done?"  I said yes, and she went back to watching TV.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zaqsert]

Oops, I meant this as a follow-up to:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200002.0

[Blazing Star]

Ah this is tough for you guys zaqsert! 

(answering this and the linked post... . )

Awesome that you are still there for D2, and managing to focus on her. I think it's great that you realise you can't save your wife, rather to step back and give her space. So natural to worry about D2, remember that if one parent is healthy and stable it is a good outcome for the child - especially if that parent is spending more time with the child. It sounds like you are doing all the right things for D2, and setting up a great foundation for open and honest communication with her as she grows up.

You mention depression, does she use medication for these episodes? Is she open to using it to tide her over?

And more importantly, who is there to support you! It's wonderful that you are spending so much time with D2, I realise this can be tiring though (and on top of work and household stuff!). I can't remember if you have family nearby that can help you, take D2 for a few hours etc? Does D2 have godparents or surrogate aunties or anything like that - it might be worth thinking about finding some positive maternal figures for D2 to have in her life. Could you do playdates with some of the other kindy parents? Do you take D2 to any weekend activities (swimming lessons, gym, soccer etc) as often the Dads are the ones taking them at the weekends and it might be nice for you to make some dad/family friends to hang out with? I know these things take time, I am just thinking about support for you and role models for your daughter.

Keep looking after you! You are doing great!

Love Blazing Star

PS did you get a chance to read PET yet - Yeeter's recommendation? I am enjoying it, and actually realising that much of the techniques will be very useful for communicating with my pwBPD! I am hoping that my modeling them with him, and our D4 and Dbaby will filter through to him too.

[zaqsert]

Thanks, Blazing Star!  I really appreciated your response.

You mention depression, does she use medication for these episodes? Is she open to using it to tide her over?

She is on an older antidepressant every day, but she was put on that more to sleep than anything else.  Aside from that, she does not use any medication for these episodes.  Last time, about a year or so ago, the episode lasted long enough that medication might have helped.  This time it only lasted a few days.

In the past day or two she has no longer been in bed most of the day, but she has been highly critical of D2.  One of them was when D2 kept spilling what she was eating with a spoon.  If I can't bring myself to bring it up earlier, I now have a new topic for next week's marital T session.

And more importantly, who is there to support you! It's wonderful that you are spending so much time with D2, I realise this can be tiring though (and on top of work and household stuff!). I can't remember if you have family nearby that can help you, take D2 for a few hours etc? Does D2 have godparents or surrogate aunties or anything like that - it might be worth thinking about finding some positive maternal figures for D2 to have in her life. Could you do playdates with some of the other kindy parents? Do you take D2 to any weekend activities (swimming lessons, gym, soccer etc) as often the Dads are the ones taking them at the weekends and it might be nice for you to make some dad/family friends to hang out with? I know these things take time, I am just thinking about support for you and role models for your daughter.

There is my T, although I'm seeing her less often to try and save some money.  When I need to, though, she has been easy to book.  I just wrapped up a 4-week stretch of sessions every week.  I had done quite a bit of work with her for a few years, so I find it easy enough to pick up when I need it.

Unfortunately, I do not have family in the area, and D2 does not have any surrogate aunties here either.  Part of it is that we moved for a temporary work assignment for me.

I really like your suggestions of playdates, weekend activities, and good role models for my D2.

PS did you get a chance to read PET yet - Yeeter's recommendation? I am enjoying it, and actually realising that much of the techniques will be very useful for communicating with my pwBPD! I am hoping that my modeling them with him, and our D4 and Dbaby will filter through to him too.

I have not yet.  Thanks for the reminder!  I'm glad to hear that you are finding it useful.

[Blazing Star]

Hi zaqsert,

Good to hear from you!

In the past day or two she has no longer been in bed most of the day, but she has been highly critical of D2.  One of them was when D2 kept spilling what she was eating with a spoon.  If I can't bring myself to bring it up earlier, I now have a new topic for next week's marital T session.

This is tough isn't it, I find myself cringing when my partner does the critique, I remain calm by reminding myself that if he is that critical of others, then he is more critical of himself.

I do gently remind him about the effects of being critical to our daughters - which sometimes he is open to, others he is not.

There is my T, although I'm seeing her less often to try and save some money.  When I need to, though, she has been easy to book.  I just wrapped up a 4-week stretch of sessions every week.  I had done quite a bit of work with her for a few years, so I find it easy enough to pick up when I need it.

Unfortunately, I do not have family in the area, and D2 does not have any surrogate aunties here either.  Part of it is that we moved for a temporary work assignment for me.

I really like your suggestions of playdates, weekend activities, and good role models for my D2.

Great about your T! Wonderful that you have been working with her for years! Your daughter chose well in her Daddy!

I know how hard it can be when you move to a new area, and how hard it can be to make the effort to meet people when you are tired and running on low. I hope some easy situations present themselves. Even just playing at the park, where your D will see a range of parents and parenting styles may be good. (My T tells me it is not a bad thing for my Ds to see that their Dad parents differently from me)

Keep up all the great things you are doing!

Love Blazing Star