Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 29, 2020, 09:18:01 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: OMG she just emailed me a pic of us hugging/kissing  (Read 1858 times)
chuckstrong
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 159


« on: April 28, 2013, 09:07:24 PM »

WOW!

After little or no contact for three weeks and her " please don't contact me again" " you need to move on" "yes i'm seeing someone---is that what you wanted to hear" email (from April 7) tonight out of the clear blue I get the following email:

Subject : This made me laugh

I hope you don't mind me sending it.

Attachment: A photo( which i"ve never seen) of me making a silly funny face while we are hugging and kissing and she appears like THE happiest woman on earth.

It is textbook BPD and SO messed up. THE worst part is I'm actually happy about it.

It feels like just a shread of [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] that the relationship as I knew it actually did exist. I didn't just dream we had this awesome relationship and she still actually acknowledges it existed. OR---- Is it just a classic recycle attempt? Her sixth sense telling her he's acting different this time?. He's moving on like I told him. I must now  reel him back in.

So, what now?

1--- Reply immediately " Great pic."

2--- Do nothing. Zero response.

3--- Say "What the heck are you doing you said move on no contact".

4--- Say " See I told you we were happy together please come back lets try again" (tongue in cheek on this one)

5--- Other?

Please your suggestions are welcome and bottom line is I have NO IDEA what (if anything) I will do. I'm just Stunned. Shocked. Surprised.

Is this classic BPD behavior that will impede with my healing no matter what I do?  This S*** has been going on for almost 8 months now. Its driving me CRAZY. Help!

Chuck

Logged
pallavirajsinghani
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married TDH-with high cheekbones that can cut butter.
Posts: 2497


« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2013, 09:12:27 PM »

#2
Logged

Humanity is a stream my friend, and each of us individual drops.  How can you then distinguish one from the other?
leftbehind
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 320



« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2013, 09:19:00 PM »

Someone told me once that the best response is no response, and I've come to believe this is true. 

I know what you're going through.  I just deleted all of my exBPD bf's phone messages and made the mistake of listening to some of them.  They actually made me smile and laugh, they were so cute and sweet.  It felt like no time had passed at all, and tricked my brain into thinking I should call him up for about a minute.  Then I remembered that he broke up with me by email, threw out all mementos of our relationship, and unfriended me on facebook.  So ef it.  Sometime you have to be your own best friend and advocate.

Hang in there.  Don't take any action until you're clear.
Logged
Suzn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3959



« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2013, 09:32:46 PM »

Chuck let's talk about what you're doing different this time and why. What are your thoughts?
Logged

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
patientandclear
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 2785



« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2013, 10:33:07 PM »

Chuck, I think it's a good time to go back & read your other thread.  What you wrote, and what others wrote about the route out of the mire.

I don't think you have to ignore her even if you decide to be ChuckStrong and shut this down.  It makes sense to me to ignore abuse and repeated disrespect of your request for no contact.  But to this point, she first asked for NC, and you then asked her to accord you the same respect.  I don't think she's grossly out of line here, so I think it would be decent and self- and other-respecting not to act scared of her, and to explain that you need time and space to heal, and would really appreciate it if she would not reach out to you.  You can tell her you like the photo and often have things you'd like to share with her too.  But she made her decision and so you need to move forward with your life.  Be well.  End of reply.

The other option is to get back into a loop you know all too well.

You wrote that it felt good to get this because it was validating.  We all know that feeling.  But wise mind says that it is not actually validating about this r/s having meant anything in particular (not saying it didn't, just saying this contact is not evidence of that).  This contact is evidence that she doesn't like you calling the shots in any way; she wants to be in control; she drops you, she limits you, not the other way around; and also, potentially (and I'm sorry to have to say this), things are getting uncomfortably intimate with the guy she is seeing and she needs another emotional foothold and wants to be sure you are around and available to be that.

My ex reached out to his former gf in exactly that way at the very high point of our happy intimacy--a casual "hey, how are you? how are ABC important topics in your life? I'm in X city ... .  blah blah blah".  I couldn't even believe it when I found out later from a mutual friend.  I assumed then that she must have reached out to him & he just responded -- no WAY would he have initiated contact with her when we were so intensely happy.

Ha.  Three months after I requested NC, he emailed me, same kinda thing.  "how are you?  How's your sick relative?  How about XYZ topics of mutual concern? P.S. I totally understand if you don't want to reply to this."  I was so happy to see this message!  Even though I'd asked for NC.  I thought it was validating about how much he missed me, how important I was to him, blah blah blah.

Except, turns out he was in full pursuit of the ex gf just at that moment.  Tri-an-gu-la-tion.  He needed another foothold, just in case.  He cannot wholly commit himself to any one person, so despite his intense interest in her, he needed to open another front.  I wouldn't bet the farm that your ex isn't reaching out to you now to quell anxiety about her growing closeness to someone else.  Or not.  There is no way to know what it means, and it will mean something different tomorrow, or next week.

You are in the best place you can be right now with a BPDex who has informed you that the r/s is over -- moving away under your own steam and on your own terms.  If you respond, take your time, make sure it's short, mutually respectful, and firm, unless you want to get pulled right back into a very dis-empowering position with her.
Logged
grad
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 111


« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2013, 11:33:14 PM »

"Made her laugh" as in, that's not what she feels now.  No response is the best response
Logged
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5518



« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2013, 07:01:15 AM »

#2 - what are your thoughts?
Logged

slimmiller
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 423



« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2013, 08:03:49 AM »

Unfortunately I see what patientandclear eluded to. In my experience as she sets the hook in the next one and proceeds with triangulation (read definition), she will periodicaly check back on you to see where you are at. Deep down the closeness she is feeling with the next one scares her so she has to see where her 'saftey net' (you she hopes) is at just to give her peace of mind.

On the outside, her sending the picture is so sweet and has the desired effect of keeping you hooked in some way. The motive is more then likely not what it seems.

In my expereince when she appeared to have a small amount of clarity, or acted human, gave me a hug, told me how wonderful I was and if I had just not done that one thing (and she would bring up something silly and insignificiant) then we would be all perfect.   And on and on blah blah... .  She would leave and then later it would literally make me sick with disgust as at that very moment she had a plan in place and was acting on (cheating). She always did what you describe to my feelings as she was running into his arm. It didnt matter which guy it was (she has done the circus several times with different guys)

In a normal relationship (non BPD) her actions would mean something completely different. Her contacting you is about HER and her fears and nothing else.  I wish I was wrong but thats my gut feeling.

Take care of you and ask yourself, what do you want?

Logged
turtle
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: I am happily single -- live alone and love it.
Posts: 5313


WWW
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2013, 08:55:49 AM »

DEFINITELY #2!

One day, you won't be concerned with why she does stuff like this.  I realize that isn't today, but eventually... .  this stuff will be just like junk mail.

Is there any way you can block her emails, texts, calls, etc.  For where you are right now, looking at this stuff isn't good for you!

turtle

Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!