Should I just turn up?

[Scott72]

I've posted before about my ex. I've come to think that when I text her and there is no reply that this is basically a yes/maybe. For a while if I asked to see her she would say a flat no. Now she doesn't reply or avoids subject. I see some other positives, should I just turn up and see her, I have thought about this and think yes, her mother thinks I should too- I'm conscious of respecting her space etc any help out there ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VeryFree]

I can't give an answer to your question.

Can tell you this:

- Don't try to understand what or why a BPD is telling you something (or not). Their reasoning (if there's any) is different than ours.

- So don't make decisions based on that understanding.

- Do whatever you feel is good for yourself.

- Be prepared to be rejected if you choose to turn up.

[lizzie458]

^^^Yep.

I appreciate that you want to respect her space, but in my experience it works out much better if I don't even ask H for what he wants.  Your ex and my dBPDh sound pretty similar in this regard - and I can tell you my H gets overloaded very easily if I even ask him to make a small decision or tell me what kind of sandwich he wants for lunch.  You probably feel like you're being too bossy or careless if you just do whatever you want to or what you feel is right.  However, that's not true!  You can make decisions and still remain sensitive to her feelings and needs.

Somewhere along the line, my H and I made an unspoken agreement that I can't make decisions on my own without his sign off.  I thought if I asked him ahead of time what his preferences were and complied, then I could avoid raging or depression.  Wrong.  All it really did was put enormous amounts of pressure on him, and incapacitate me.  What I find works best is to just make decisions as best I can - I don't bother him unless I really really have to (or unless it's a huge life decision).  This generally works great, and I find he usually follows my lead.  I try to not get too much tunnel vision on what I want and completely disregard his needs/wants, etc. but it is much easier for me to act and course correct if needed, than to remain fearfully stuck and resentful of him for the inaction (and anxious), while he is paralyzed with fear, anxiety, indecision, etc.

We non's who remain in the BPD's life are the emotional caretakers in the relationship, and it's funny how sometimes we act as though we are the children.  I think in my situation that is partly due to my desparate wish that he grow up - I subconsciously try to force him to grow up and take responsibility by forcing him into making decisions.  However that does not work.  Nothing in the world can make my H take ownership of his life and his choices.

[shatra]

Hi

It sounds like the push-pull phase. Generally, they will aprroach you (pull you in again) when they are ready, not when you are ready. So it might be best to wait it out.

Best,

Shatra

[Auspicious]

Just showing up to see an ex who does not respond to your messages sounds kind of like stalking.

[Scott72]

Thanks for your posts, lizzie458 I read that with interest because sounds very similar!

Auspicious we communicate about other things, however when it comes to issues like this she can't decide, but I'll leave the binoculars andctrenchcoat at home