coping with anxiety

[colonel]

Hi,

I'm curious. For those of you with PTSD, anxiety and any of the sucky left overs from growing up with parents with BPD; how do you cope? Apparently my body has decided to develop anxiety/ panic attacks all of a sudden. They are all around stuff to do with growing up with a BPD mum -really vivid memories that appear out of nowhere, irrational beliefs taught to me (like I've got to hold it all together and stay strong, I can't cry in public because that's weak, I can't get sick because I'm burdening everyone else and I'm a terrible person for feeling ill etc.) Contact with mum. The panic comes on so suddenly, I can't breathe, can't think, my head spins and I feel like I'm back as a kid and I'm not safe. It's so incredibly frustrating to not be in control of the way your body just does what it wants and goes into melt down mode. I know things like mindfulness and slowing the breathing, but that only works for me when I can think clearly enough to attempt it. What strategies do you use to help you cope? How do you self soothe as well? 

[P.F.Change]

Good questions, and I understand what you mean. I used to have panic attacks, usually just the emotional meltdown/world is caving in on me kind, but also I have experienced the "I'm about to die" kind once or twice and those are scary!

I recommend EMDR for PTSD. It has been very helpful for me so far. See if you can find someone who has completed both levels of training if possible. Before I tried it I would have thought it was silly, but having done it I am amazed at how much it helps me get at old emotional memories that I didn't even know how to articulate. My triggers are much easier to cope with now. My panic response to some of them is completely gone.

What do you currently do to take care of yourself when you feel a panic attack coming on? Are you aware of your triggers?

I am wondering what would happen if you allowed yourself to feel your feelings without trying to fight them away. It will probably be important to have a T for support with this.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[colonel]

I don't really know much about EMDR How does it work?  I used to just have the emotional meltdown kind and those ones I could at least work with to a degree. It took a hell of a lot of energy but eventually I could get it together. The " I'm about to die" are just so sudden and terrifying!

To answer your question, I used to be able to notice the signs of when it was coming and then I could force myself back into the present. I was taught strategies to notice what  was around me and what my body was feeling etc. Those strategies only seem to work when my head is still clear enough to be able to think. This new stuff, it just happens out of nowhere. (Well not really, afterwards I can see what led to it, but at the time of the attack it feels so sudden). One minute it seems like I'm just slightly anxious with only a bit of a knot in my stomach, the next minute I get this rushing feeling through my head that makes me nauseous and then I can't get air and I can't slow down enough to even think about strategies. I've tried things like self talk, saying it's okay, or focusing on my breath, but in the middle of an attack it doesn't seem to achieve much. It seems though, once it has become an attack I can't stop it in its tracks. I just have to ride it out. Perhaps I'm just noticing the signs too late and need to get back to noticing the triggers when they first happen.  Just not sure how to. I do have T support, but I feel like I'm some kind of weird freak, or drama queen and just a pain in the butt for not being able to talk to her about other more important stuff and being so irrational and stupid. I feel like she'll be disappointed in me for going backwards. I hate not being in control of my body right now! Last night when I posted about this I had had a smaller panic attack after making the mistake of getting sucked into a conversation with my BPD mother. I was able to somewhat control the attack by taking myself off to the beach and forcing myself to focus on the waves, but it took ages for my body to start to relax and for the rushing to settle and that's not exactly a practical solution. I feel so lost and idiotic right now.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey colonel,

Panic attacks and flashbacks are really tough to handle. I'm sorry you're struggling with these. They can be so scary and the lack of control is frightening too.   

One minute it seems like I'm just slightly anxious with only a bit of a knot in my stomach, the next minute I get this rushing feeling through my head that makes me nauseous and then I can't get air and I can't slow down enough to even think about strategies.

That knot in your stomach is the hint. It's good to listen to your body telling you you're anxious, even if you only feel a little bit anxious. The Mayo Clinic talks about the different symptoms, so maybe if you know them, you will be better prepared? www.mayoclinic.com/health/panic-attacks/DS00338/DSECTION=symptoms

Could you ask your T for help with handling the panic attacks? My T taught me several techniques and they really helped to calm me down when I was feeling one coming on.

Deep breathing: breathe in through your nose 4 seconds and out through your mouth 4 seconds. Try to get your breath to go into your stomach and not your chest. Do 10 reps.

Progressive muscle relaxation: flex and relax each muscle from your eyebrows to your toes, and breathe deeply while you do it.

Visualization: you kind of did this by taking yourself to a peaceful beach. Fill up your senses with it-feel the flecks of sand between your toes, the soft breeze, the warm sun, the cool water as you splash through it. Hear the waves lap on the shore and listen as the sea gulls cry. Smell and taste the salty spray in the air. Watch a kite overhead and children playing nearby, build a sandcastle in your mind, and see each footprint you leave behind. Maybe lie down on a beach towel and imagine yourself falling asleep.

I highly recommend reading this article about relaxation techniques as it goes into more detail: www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm

You're not idiotic or a drama queen, hun. What you feel is real, and it is okay to ask for help with it.

Lastly, about EMDR. It is where you re-experience the memories that come up in brief spurts. The T uses tones in each ear, lights in each eye, or little battery operated eggs that vibrate in each hand. This article might help:EMDR for PTSD

Sending you lots of caring and support, colonel. Hang in there.

[P.F.Change]

(Started this hours ago, and since then ScarletOlive has made a very helpful post. Apologies for any redundancies.)

Contact with mum. The panic comes on so suddenly, I can't breathe, can't think, my head spins and I feel like I'm back as a kid and I'm not safe.

Last night when I posted about this I had had a smaller panic attack after making the mistake of getting sucked into a conversation with my BPD mother.

To me, it sounds like contact with your mother is triggering for you. Do you know if there is anything specific about it that bothers you, such as the sound of her voice or a particular boundary she feels entitled to bust? What would happen if you decided to take a short break from that contact in order to give yourself a chance to recover a bit?

I do have T support, but I feel like I'm some kind of weird freak, or drama queen and just a pain in the butt for not being able to talk to her about other more important stuff and being so irrational and stupid. I feel like she'll be disappointed in me for going backwards. I hate not being in control of my body right now!

Yes, it is hard to feel out of control. I do understand that. My thought about this is twofold. First, I think some of our involuntary responses are there for a reason, to get us to pay attention to something. For instance, if I eat a lasagne that is ridden with harmful bacteria, my immune and digestive systems are going to do everything they can to protect me, whether I want to hurl or not. I become unable to control the automatic response but it is good that it is there, because I need to purge those toxins in order to survive. Second, sometimes these responses stick around even in situations when we don't need them anymore. If I have to run to the loo every time I look at a lasagne or smell a lasagne, or even anything having to do with Italian food, well that is maybe not so helpful. Not all food is harmful, and most lasagnes are perfectly safe. But my body has stored the information from my food poisoning incident and has started taking drastic measures to defend me against threats that probably don't even exist. That is kind of what happens with PTSD.

For me personally, I find contact with my uBPDm to be the first kind of situation. Putting myself around her is like continuing to eat from the same old lasagne. It is re-exposing myself to the same old trauma. If I have panic in that situation, it is there to say, "Get away from this person, she is NOT SAFE." It is my body trying to help me. Other triggers, say hearing the phone ring, are the second kind of situation for me.  Not all phone calls are bad, just as not all lasagne is ridden with bacteria (some is even too delicious to miss). It is a reminder of an old trauma but is not traumatic in and of itself. When I feel panic in that situation, it is helpful for me to find the root of it and treat that, because the panic is an automatic conditioned response that I don't always need.

EMDR has helped me with that particular example of the phone ringing. I do not know why it works exactly, but it does. It mimics eye movement that we do during REM sleep (when we dream) and it does remind me a little bit of the feeling I have when dreaming, but I am conscious and aware during my sessions. I am most comfortable with eye movements (watching my T's hand go back amd forth), but other methods that stimulate alternating sides of the body can also be used, such as tapping on the knees or hearing tones played into alternate ears.

One other thing that is worth looking at are the messages you are giving yourself about what is happening to you. You call yourself a "weird freak," a "drama queen, a "pain in the butt," "irrational," and "stupid." Where are those messages coming from? Are they true? What if you are having normal and predictable responses to traumatic situations? How do you know your T will be "disappointed in you for going backwards?" It wouldn't surprise me if she was actually proud of you for being brave enough to be honest and ask for help. I bet she expects you to be human, not perfect.

So, I would say, for the first kind of situation, examine your boundaries and see if you are putting yourself in unsafe situations or ignoring your inner voice. Because when we ignore our inner voice, our bodies often start screaming at us just to get us to pay attention.

For the second situation, when a panic attack hits, mindfulness of your environment and body and positive self-talk are good ideas, and so is distraction (I love that you are able to go to the beach). I will sometimes turn on a repetitive video game like Tetris or watch a game show or sitcom. Others have suggested physical activity such as exercise, pacing, or dancing. Meditation and prayer.  I like to wrap myself in a warm blanket and/or have a cuppa herbal tea to comfort myself and give myself some physical security.

Part of mindfulness is learning to accept what you are feeling. We can learn to observe our thoughts and feelings and then let them float by, like clouds or leaves on a stream. The next thought or feeling will be arriving shortly. You are not a bad person or a failure at anything for going through this. You deserve to be nurtured and comforted when you feel sick and afraid, not told that you are burdensome or weak. It is ok to just feel what you are feeling. When you cannot stop the physical symptoms, it is ok just to say, "Okey dokey, I'm experiencing a panic attack. I am just going to sit myself down and breathe deeply and let it happen. It will pass, and I will feel better again in a day or two. Right now I will [fill in the blank: take it easy, order some takeaway, use a sick day, have a nap, ask for help, etc.] and give myself some TLC.

What do you think about all that?

PF

[colonel]

Thank you both so much!   Both of you are so helpful and raise some really good points to consider and those links look pretty useful too. I need to process some of this stuff and I'll write more later when I have a bit more time, but for now I just really wanted to say a huge thank you. Some of what you wrote is really helping me to make sense of it all and I appreciate your compassion and support

[colonel]

Okay so I'm back.

Thanks again for your help. I had a look at those links which were really, really helpful. I really like some of the strategies offered and I'm giving them a go and seeing what happens. Thankyou

PF Change, to answer some of your questions:

1) Contact with mum as a trigger. - Yes definitely. I've reached a point recently where contact suddenly hurts. I feel like there is nothing left between us anymore and that I'm no longer sure it's worth trying to keep fixing the relationship. I'm not really sure how it happened, but suddenly I couldn't keep ignoring all the past hurt and just continuing on. I have a lot of hurt and even anger, about the way I was treated and I no longer know how to even talk to my mother without feeling that pain. I've been distancing myself, but that comes with this incredible guilt and fear that maybe there really isn't anything left of my relationship with my mother and that maybe it can't be fixed anymore. They're some pretty huge emotions for me. Contact with mum, not only is the usual tip toeing on eggshells and feeling unsafe, but the new emotions come with it.  It's triggering because in her voice there is this sense of her frightening anger that is just bubbling underneath and I feel like I need to be on edge and be hyper alert to the signs of a blow up. It's also that I feel like I'm squashing down all of my own feelings that contact with her hurts and doesn't feel safe. I'm at  point where I recognise I need that break from my mother, but it also really hurts to take that step and to accept that I can't have the relationship I want. What would happen if I took a break from her? - It'd probably be what I really need.   

2) That lasagne metaphor made so much sense! A huge part of what's happening for me is that I am so frustrated that I can't control the reactions. It really made sense that my body is just reacting in order to protect me and that, in that sense, the emotions and physical responses aren't messed up, crazy or ridiculous, they're just understandable reactions. I thought about it and I've had a nightmare 12 months and I think maybe my body is just trying to say enough is enough and get me to listen, slow down and recognise the stuff that is unsafe or painful to be around. Still don't like it, but at least it kind of makes some sense. For the moment I'm trying to stop being angry with myself for being like this and trying to recognise it as just a normal response to trauma.

3) The messages of " weird freak"" idiotic" "stupid" "drama queen" etc.  - You raised a really good point with what you said and made me stop and think about it, instead of just automatically believing the messages. They're coming from two places. Firstly from the messages I had growing up. Mostly from what I'm telling myself. I'm frustrated that for me right now, this is how it is. I'm supposed to be in control and not be a mess like this. I should be able to handle it all and when I can't then I'm resorting to old messages from my childhood to,I guess, bully myself into getting it together and not "being weak". There is a belief there (one which has actually caused some of my panic before) that I can't be scared, vulnerable, needy, sick or anything other than in control of everything. I grew up with that belief and expectation and now when it happens and I'm not totally in control I panic even more. It's a cycle. Realistically if it were someone else feeling this way, I wouldn't be telling them to snap out of it and to stop being so stupid and a drama queen. I'd be saying what you guys said to me, that it's okay and that the feelings don't make them crazy or stupid or weak. Maybe, I need to start talking to myself  the way I would to others instead of being so critical.  The stuff about thinking my T is disappointed in me is kind of the same.  It's more that I'm disappointed in me. I felt like I was I getting it together and I was making progress and then this came along.

It wouldn't surprise me if she was actually proud of you for being brave enough to be honest and ask for help. I bet she expects you to be human, not perfect.

Thank you, I think that's something I need to remember for myself, that I'm human and don't have to be perfect. I think I need to stop being so hard on myself.

Thankyou to both of you for your wonderful suggestions and for your kindness and for getting me to see that maybe I need to be giving myself the same amount of understanding.   

[P.F.Change]

There is a belief there (one which has actually caused some of my panic before) that I can't be scared, vulnerable, needy, sick or anything other than in control of everything.

Boy, do I understand that. Growing up in a chaotic environment left me looking to be in control, too. I was the only one in my family capable of self-control, really. I was also hypervigilant due to the ongoing trauma and trying to predict/avoid anything that would provoke an attack. I was the only person I could trust, so it fell on me to hold my life together. I didn't even know asking for help was an option until I had no other choice. Opening up and being vulnerable are still hard for me sometimes, but I'm working on that. It's getting easier the more times I see it can be safe with safe people.

You definitely deserve as much compassion as anyone else. I think it's a great idea to try to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. 

You are free now. Free to choose for yourself what kind of life you want. You don't have to live in terror of making a fatal mistake anymore. There are many things that are always going to be beyond our control, no matter how hard we try or how many skills we master. Everyone has struggles, and everyone makes mistakes. We all need help sometimes. It sounds like you are in a place where you are recognizing this and that it is ok to ask for help and trust another person. That may be why all these new emotions are bubbling up to the surface, because you have support and are ready to face them. To me it honestly sounds like you are taking big steps forward, not backward.

Love yourself. You deserve it. 

PF

[simplesimon]

Hi colonel,

I had a lot of anxiety and PTSD when I made the break.  I did try EMDR and had some success with it.  My anxiety however was so bad (add nursing school on top of it) that I ended up taking valium to keep myself even.  The down side to that was that I ended up feeling numb.

Therapy with someone who has training with BPD worked the best for me.