Found some pictures of my ex... some observations about identity

[lhd981]

I only had Facebook for the first few months that my BPD exgf and I dated and, admittedly, never checked it much. We became Facebook friends on the night that we met and I do remember looking over some of her pictures for the first few days (and she had a LOT of pictures), but that was about the extent of it. I eventually shut down my account for work-related reasons, only to re-open it recently, long after the breakup (and her subsequently removing me as a friend).

As I was pretty much "haunted" by thoughts of my BPD ex all day yesterday - perhaps on account of it having been her birthday? - I decided to just succumb to morbid curiosity and look her up online, bearing in mind the old adage "be careful if what you wish for... .  ". I found her latest Facebook profile pic and it depicted her in the same romantic way that I had seen her - a "free spirit/hippie" of sorts. This hurt, as it reaffirmed some of the (irrational, harmful, distorted) longing that I had for her. But as I dug deeper, I managed to find a few more pictures (even a handful of videos) of her; by herself, with friends/family, etc. But instead of falling into unhealthy longing, something struck me immediately: she looked different in all of the pictures. While I had noticed some of this in her past Facebook pictures when we were friends, I didn't pay much attention to it and don't remember much as far as specifics (and likely chalked it up to her being an "eccentric". But here I was, looking at somebody who seemed to change her overall style/persona almost every few months. This was revelatory.

Everything from the makeup, to the clothes, to the hair color (which changed even when we were dating) seemed completely different in every "period" the pictures were taken in - and we're not talking from middle school and high school, either. These were all in her 20s. But the presence of friends and family members in some of the pictures was most telling: they all generally looked the same. After all, I had met most of them in person and can confirm that.

This isn't to say that it's necessarily indicative of a PD for someone to like to change styles up a lot, but she was not a fashionista by any means when we met. In fact, a lot of the pictures with her friends seemed to be of her trying to both blend in and stand out at the same time.

Whether this is mirroring or a form of splitting, I am not sure. One thing that struck me as interesting is that now in her most recent pictures, as a professional woman close to being in her 30s, she was clearly imitating one of her favorite musicians in terms of look and style. Again, maybe not a groundbreaking revelation, but my gut certainly had a strong feeling.

It gets a bit stranger, and I apologize for the theoretical leap. Music was how we initially met and bonded, especially over the many obscure rock bands and sub-genres that we both enjoyed. This was sort of a "sacred" bond for us, as we put a lot of meaning into the unique music that we shared and would often discuss meanings of songs and albums. On our first proper date, I asked her how she was into all these types of music, as many of these are genres and bands with very limited appeal. In fact, even on online forums dealing with this music, the running joke is always that there are almost no female fans (the stigma is that most of the fans are introverted, "nerdy" men in their 20s-40s). Yet here I was with a beautiful, sweet, bubbly, charming girl who was telling me verbatim about this music. I was quite taken aback (and smitten). She mentioned that it was her stepmother's brother, a much older, married man who largely got her into most of this music over the past few years. Later, I would learn that she actually had an "emotional affair" with this man, lasting almost two and a half years - which, according to her, ended on the very day we met, as that's the last time she had any contact with him (he was apparently at the concert that we met at, unbeknownst to me at the time). I wonder, then, if she carried on his musical tastes in a sort of mirroring situation.

The only reason I bring this up is because the most recent bit that I could find about her online was a concert review from a few months ago. It was of a country music show, a genre she had never spoken of or ever shown any particular affinity for. Rather than say she enjoyed it, she gushed about how it was "positively the best show [she] had ever seen, and [she's] been to many concerts". One thing to note: her mom was a huge country music fan. Though their relationship was unique (I'd describe it as almost too casual, almost like sisters... .  often delving into tumultuous, argumentative territory), I noticed a distinct "push/pull" flow to it. Part of me almost wonders if she gave up on the "obscure rock" that we had both shared a common love of and switched to country, perhaps because she had gotten closer to her mom over the past year. Nothing I can prove, of course, but it's a going theory, and it speaks to her other apparent identity issues.

I'm going to start reading more about identity disturbance within BPD, along with mirroring as well, but if anyone has any particular articles or insight they'd like to share, it would be greatly appreciated.

[trevjim]

maybe yes maybe no, maybe a bit of both !

lots of people go through 'stages' goth, sporty, rocker etc, i guess its part of growing up and finding yourself.

girls and boys even, change hair color alot, it could be them just experimenting or expressing themselves.

so in that respect i would say no.

however all of the things you have mentioned could be a striving for identity due to the BPD but its nearly impossible to tell.

[maria1]

I have read about this changing appearance/ tastes a lot on these boards. It seems a more common theme with women with BPD than men but that's possibly because women tend to self adorn more so it's more noticeable.

My ex does it through his car choice and to a certain extent through clothes and music (although his musical taste seems fairly fixed). If you think about it someone who lacks a clear sense of their own identity and needs a S/O to feel complete in that way is going to change every time the r/s does.

My ex is a strict vegetarian. Whilst I was seeing him he was always becoming 'friends' with other women. One time he was going on and on about this new 'friend', a spanish woman. He actually said he was considering eating meat  . I found it quite astonishing but had no idea about BPD at the time.

I saw him the other day and he was driving a big gas guzzling car, something I would never approve of. He was joking about having changed it, seemed sheepish. It will be because some woman somewhere wasn't impressed with his eco friendly previous car which came hot on the heels of his audi TT which closely followed his cool landrover.

It must be exhausting keeping up with yourself when you don't know who you are. It makes me thankful every day that I do.

[hithere]

my ex took tons of pictures and she poses for them all, very dramatic. She loves looking at herself and she also likes to show everyone how amazingly happy she is... .  but of course she posted all that crap while I lived through a horror show with her... .  so... .  

[lhd981]

trevjim:

You make a very valid point. I've been known to jump to conclusions every now and then, but I like to think I have the wisdom not to actually act upon my premature conclusions. I do have my own bias, as I've been pretty much "the same" for the past 14 years, since I was 18. Sure, a little older and wiser, with a greater world view and far more experience, but there wouldn't be any kind of drastic shock if you compared the old me to the current me. Thank you so much for the input - it helps to keep me grounded

maria:

Funny you should mention cars. I collect and race sports cars as a hobby. Though I almost never post pictures of my own cars online, I do believe that every car has a certain "personality" that it gives off - whether or not it's matched to the driver is another question I also joke that my cars are more "Chuck magnets" than "chick magnets", as it's always men who stop to talk to me about them. In fact, I was accused of being gay by my BPD exgf because I attract so much attention from men whenever I'd take my new Ferrari 458 for a spin. With that said, my cars are for me and me only - I don't buy them to impress anybody else. In fact, the type of women I tend to go for are very much more of the "peace and love hippie" types, so they generally do not care what I drive. Though my ego isn't complaining (and I'm an extrovert, so I do enjoy the attention), I honestly just love driving and racing.

The woman that I'm currently "seeing" (we're very much at the infancy stage and have not even kissed yet) is a strict vegan, which I completely respect. She's been doing it long enough and has some very strong values and convictions - in fact, it seems as if the closer we get, despite our fairly significant differences and experiences regarding world view, we find that we have similar values, which I suppose is a good thing. Only time will tell

Yes, I'm sure it's very exhausting keeping up with yourself when you don't know who you are. Being very much a romantic soul (and a spiritual one at that), I swear that I saw this giant hole in my BPD exgf's soul. Like something was seriously missing and she was trying to make sense of it. I realize pity isn't the most romantic sentiment, but I  had a hard life too and Ireally did want to hold her, help her and "love her" into making it better. The best way I could describe her was like an alien - someone foreign to this world, trying her best to adapt. But she really didn't seem to get it. It's this romanticized notion of her that I can't quite seem to shake. "Maybe I could've/should've done more... .  "


hithere:

Yes, my ex had TONS of pictures on Facebook. You'd think she was this sweet care-free silly free spirit. Many pictures were of her making all kinds of funny faces, always grinning (she always had a grin on her face - unless she was raging!), blowing kisses or frolicking in summer dresses through fields of flowers.

Of course, it probably should've been a red flag when she told me not to change my relationship status (not that I cared about that stuff anyway) or post anything on her FB wall about us being together as she "didn't want the whole world to know, because she didn't feel like getting criticized by her friends", or something to that effect. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

[maria1]

My ex's cars are definitely for him, not for women but they sort of follow who he is, if that makes sense. He used to dislike the fact that his TT attracted a certain type of women but that didn't stop him loving it. Cars and boys is a strange phenomenon I never got  . My ex bought me a car and took an O/D the same day, didn't by me a ferrari though, knew just what to get me.

I think with men cars are a part of identity in the way clothes/hairstyles are to women. That is a bit crass but there is does seem to be a gender split to it.

I see a hole in my ex's soul but I had/ have a hole in mine too. I'm trying to fill that up with me and resist the temptation of another r/s before I feel more complete. I'm getting there but it's hard and lonely work. My ex used to say he wasn't for this world. He finds it hard being in it at times.

Good luck on your journey  

[lhd981]

Thank you very much, maria1. I certainly agree with the "men with their cars" phenomenon, though we have a few women in our car club as well Heck, I've often considered writing a short book about life with exotic sports cars and the good/bad attention you attract. When I was younger, I would fantasize about having such a toy. Now that I have several, I've realized that there are far, far more important things in life - and this is coming from a bona-fide car nut. Though I do enjoy my toys, I've realized that what I truly want in my life is for somebody to share life with. Ferrari or Ford Pinto.

Yes, I have a hole in my soul too, which is a large reason that I'm here. While dissecting and analyzing my ex's behavior does help to give me closure, my ultimate goal is to figure out what gets me into these messes and get to the root of my CD traits. Though therapy has helped to an extent (ah, one of my ex's favorite phrases! "... .  to an extent", I've found this community to be very empowering.

Thank you so much for your kind insight and I wish you the best of luck as well