Thinking of breaking 4 months NC :/

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been 4 months NC with my uBPDexgf.  I've had a setback the last two weeks and have been thinking of her a lot.  Over the holidays she had a "crisis" and painted me black, completely imagined that I abandoned her, and we haven't talked since then.  Initially over text (the only way she would communicate) I apologized even though I don't feel I wronged her.  My apologies went unnoticed and she broke up with me over text.  Lately I've been missing her a lot and wonder if I just sent her flowers with another apology (for the imagined abandonment) if that would open the communication and we could at least talk, maybe start down the road of reconciliation.  Is this wishful thinking to hope that a BPD would respond to flowers and a card in a positive way?

[Hard Times]

I've been 4 months NC with my uBPDexgf.  I've had a setback the last two weeks and have been thinking of her a lot.  Over the holidays she had a "crisis" and painted me black, completely imagined that I abandoned her, and we haven't talked since then.  Initially over text (the only way she would communicate) I apologized even though I don't feel I wronged her.  My apologies went unnoticed and she broke up with me over text.  Lately I've been missing her a lot and wonder if I just sent her flowers with another apology (for the imagined abandonment) if that would open the communication and we could at least talk, maybe start down the road of reconciliation.  Is this wishful thinking to hope that a BPD would respond to flowers and a card in a positive way?

[seeking balance]

Is this wishful thinking to hope that a BPD would respond to flowers and a card in a positive way?

I am sorry you are hurting Hard Times - it is in this pain that you can truly start to heal.

Let's be rational, you apologized already - what do you hope happens when you send flowers or a card?  IF she is nice - this is going to hurt you because you are pulling the scab off a slightly healed deep wound.  If she ignores you, you feel rejected all over again.

Let this pain you are in be the deepest - use your own resources to heal.  I know you want to reach out to her to alleviate your pain - but reaching out to someone who is mentally ill and treated you poorly to alleviate your pain - doesn't that seem a bit contradictory?

Let yourself cry until you are done - this is grief... .  no need to undo the hard work you have done getting you to this point.

Hang in there,

SB

[turtle]

Over the holidays she had a "crisis" and painted me black, completely imagined that I abandoned her, and we haven't talked since then. 

Flowers and an apology might work, but be sure to ask yourself why you are signing up for this again.

What you've said above isn't something that happens once... .  it happens over and over and over again.  If she accepts your apology (that you don't even think is really necessary) are you willing to do this all over again? 

turtle

[Hard Times]

Flowers and an apology might work, but be sure to ask yourself why you are signing up for this again.

What you've said above isn't something that happens once... .  it happens over and over and over again.  If she accepts your apology (that you don't even think is really necessary) are you willing to do this all over again? 

turtle

I know what you mean turtle.  I just am at a very unhappy point in my life.  Prior to the holiday break-up, I was planning on proposing to her this summer.  I know she's a sick person... .  she even admitted this to me and told me she was going to get herself into treatment.  People advise me to count my blessings and run from her as far as I can.  But I loved her dearly.  Am I the person to make her all better, obviously not.  I guess the loneliness and sadness is what gets me.  I really thought she was the ONE.  We talked about marriage and kids, moving in together, etc.  Then just like that she threw all that away and discarded me.  It hurts.

[seeking balance]

  I guess the loneliness and sadness is what gets me.  I really thought she was the ONE.  We talked about marriage and kids, moving in together, etc.  Then just like that she threw all that away and discarded me.  It hurts.

Yes, it does hurt.  I thought mine was "the one" too.  You will make it through this pain. Contacting her won't take this pain away - it will only exacerbate it.

[turtle]

I know what you mean turtle.  I just am at a very unhappy point in my life.  Prior to the holiday break-up, I was planning on proposing to her this summer.  I know she's a sick person... .  she even admitted this to me and told me she was going to get herself into treatment.  People advise me to count my blessings and run from her as far as I can.  But I loved her dearly.  Am I the person to make her all better, obviously not.  I guess the loneliness and sadness is what gets me.  I really thought she was the ONE.  We talked about marriage and kids, moving in together, etc.   Then just like that she threw all that away and discarded me.  It hurts.

I know it hurts.  You are certainly not alone in that.  I hate it when people tell me to look at the bright side and blah, blah, blah... .  but that's what I'm going to do here.

If you had married, bought a house, had kids, the dog, and the tainted white picket fence, etc., your life would be soo much more complicated right now.  AND... .  there would be little innocent people running around that you would HAVE to protect from their own mother.  That is a pain that we see all over these boards -- and it's a pain that lasts FOREVER in the form of a child with a disordered mother!

I'm sorry it hurts so bad.  I know how it feels.  But try to do yourself a favor and feel this pain only ONCE... .  and don't complicate by returning to a situation that can only get MORE complicated and MORE painful.



turtle

[laelle]

I have started to read the book Feeling Good... . its one this website recommends.  Its cognitive therapy written in language thats easy to comprehend.  No doctor terminology.

In it the writer believes that our thoughts cause our own suffering.  Our thoughts cause our own suffering because in that thought is a bit of twisted thinking... .  meaning, its not true or not quite rational.  What do you feel is causing you to suffer so much?

[laelle]

I loved spending time with my ex.  When we broke up I could not bear to think that I would not be able to spend time with him.  Addiction like... .  soo much pain

When I broke it down it really amounted to this.

I liked that he kept me from being bored.  I am finding other things to keep me from being bored... .  like hobbies

I liked that he (seemingly) wanted to spend time with me.  He wanted to spend time with me to keep me close for his own reasons, not for me.  I would find out every once in a while how he "really" felt with a letter telling me how I never give him any time to himself.  (I never asked him to skype, it was always his suggestion)

 

When we spent time together it was mostly him doing all the talking.  Alot of times I was afraid to say anything, because I feared he would go off on me.

Sometimes when I talked he told me "no offense, but shut up, Ive had a long day"   He constantly criticized me or complained that was fed up and unhappy, or about a freaking video game he wanted that most likely I would be buying for him if he played nice.

The only time he really let me speak was when I was being good Laelle and giving him something that he wanted.  It usually bought me a few moments of Idealization.

Short lived.

What did I really get out of spending time with him?  Why was it so painful to give up those things that actually hurt me?

If I am a little bit pickier about who I spend my time with I can be spared the devaluation.

The way I saw them in my head didnt really match up when you put it down on paper.

[Hard Times]

I have codependent traits, which is another reason I have such a hard time letting go.  My uBPDexgf told she loved me four days after our first date... .  during intimacy of course.  She had names picked out for our kids.  It's as if this was all a fantasy, a make-believe world.  So easily constructed and so easily destroyed.  I don't know all the details of my ex's history (partly because I respected the past as the past) but from what she shared voluntarily with me, she left a wake of destruction... .  ex-friends, ex-best friend, and even an ex-boyfriend who flipped her off in a parking lot.  Her side of the story she shared with me always painted herself as a sweet, loving person always tragically wronged by others.  I'm not so sure now.

[Hard Times]

Feeling real broken... .  the constant cycling in my mind of her, what went wrong, what can I do to fix it, why does she not want me when just two weeks prior to her leaving me she was ready to spend the rest of her life with me, it's agonizing.  I just don't know how to get through this.

[oricle]

Hard Times,

In my experience yes it I think it might be wishful thinking, the cards and gifts were met with anger and frustration from her, it has been 3 months NC for me now after i sent cards and gifts and arranged a time to meet ant talk... .  thinking it could work and we could resolve it... .  boy was i wrong! black black black and then some more black!

I still cycle the thinking of "what if, maybe if i told her, maybe i did this wrong, maybe it was me" but i know that it wasn't just me even if some of it was my fault... .  and we were at the point 4 hours before she switched where we were talking about marriage, had picked out kids names, were living together for 6 months so far, and had literally just booked a 2 week overseas holiday together the 4 hours before... .  it changed that quickly and has been black ever since so I think i can relate somewhat to how you are feeling, along with alot of people on this forum... .  

Whenever i feel like wanting to contact her, i contact one of my friends and tell then what im doing, and they usually help me talk me out of it, or i come on this board or a few other sites and read symptoms and stories and reaffirm that knowledge that it isnt going to work under the current circumstances... .  its an addiction that is so hard to break, i started smoking again after the break up and have since stopped again a month ago without too much of a problem... .  but i can't kick the habit yet of the ex... .  it just takes time i guess... .  

[Hard Times]

My ex had kids names picked out too.  I know part of the break-up was my fault to a degree.  I admit that I don't have completely zero liability.  But normal relationship frustrations, petty arguments, raised voices, etc that normal relationships can persevere through just seems to topple these dysfunctional relationships.  My sadness is at its highest right now than it has been since the initial week or two after the breakup.  My mind knows better, but my heart just tells whats the point of going on anymore?  Sometimes I don't want to.

[laelle]

Feeling real broken... .  the constant cycling in my mind of her, what went wrong, what can I do to fix it, why does she not want me when just two weeks prior to her leaving me she was ready to spend the rest of her life with me, it's agonizing.  I just don't know how to get through this.

Because she is ill, and as hard as you try, you can not fix her.

Rational and Irrational can never live in harmony.  You can not fix what she can only fix herself.  

How would bringing all of that chaos and hurt back into your life help either one of you?

You get through this by working on yourself.  :)id you get a chance to read the article https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf?

They really helped me to see that I was projecting how I thought my ex was feeling vs how he was really feeling about the relationship.

[Vindi]

if you made it this far 4 months... .  you can make it further. You did say your apology's already, no need for the flowers, and yes getting in contact will open the same ol' doors, things may be different on the good side for a few months, but i guarantee you she will go back to her old ways. Remember, you did no contact this far, you can still do it. Alot of us hold on for hopes, the good times, etc, but overlook all the bad times and what made us unhappy.

Just get thru one day at time w/nc!

[Mightyhammers]

Few points

1 DO NOT apologise again, rational people ( depending on what was done obviously ) would accept one apology, forgive and then move on from it. Even if she didn’t have BPD this juts makes you look weak. My ex would NOT let anything go, even though I apologised 100 times for the same thing it fell on deaf ears – it’s a waste of time. She bought up the same issue in her final, oh so loving parting email ( as well as a few other things that had been rectified )

2 If you send her the flowers and she doesn’t respond, or respond in a positive way you will feel 120% worse I GUARANTEE it, and this will also give her the upper hand which you DO NOT want, it hands the control over to her. I almost did this on her birthday a few weeks ago but was advised against it, Im so glad I didn’t.

3 When was the last time you spoke? How do you know she isn’t with someone else right now?

[aurora.dragon]

I am a firm believer one must find ones own wisdom.

I had a year and a half relationship with a BPDman with extreme narcissistic traits... .  he would go from waif to superman in a blink.  I found him fascinating.

Completely seductive... .  sigh... .  

Anyways, I have been 3 months NC and I am doing very well.

I have not replace him yet, though have been dating, but no one comes close to his charm, intelligence, excitement... .  

He split we after 6 months the first time for 1.5 months, we got back together, but it was not the same for another 6 msonths as he was more guarded and the presents and nice dinners stopped and he split me again for 2 months as he was upset I was going away for a couple of days and I discovered he had been seeing someone in that time.   He dumped her to go back with me and went again for 3 months but I was going on a trip and he got agitated and went on an online dating site, I got upset and told him he had to get off the site or I would go.  He got upset and split me and met someone 2 days later while I was on vacation.  I found out when I got home.  I found evidence on fb and confronted him.

They lasted 2 weeks and he broke up with her.

My point is that after every recycle he got more wary and suspicious and felt I was going to leave so the "abuse" got worse and he triggered quicker.

Things got worse, not better.

The relationship was ideal at first and I thought I had found the one... .  however things eroded over time... .  they did not get better.

I will say, the last cycle was helpful as I caught him in a lie, as he always said, he was "just looking" at the pictures on the dating site, however, I found her picture on the site and a picture of them on her fb - I emailed both to him and said - it is over, we will never be back again.

I got closure - I was disgusted.

I still miss him but I have no desire to contact him.

He broke up with my replacement and he is back on the dating site looking for new prey... .  

It is scary as he will use and abuse some other unsuspecting woman... .  and it won't stop.

Always looking for the one who will save him.  he treated me amazing in the beginning isbut after they split you, it is all downhill from there.

Good luck.

the people on this site are right... .  run, save yourself, love yourself and move on.

The BPD cannot save you or heal you... .  they will just make things worse.

You must heal yourself.

I know, been there and done that!

[Mightyhammers]

I will say, the last cycle was helpful as I caught him in a lie, as he always said, he was "just looking" at the pictures on the dating site, however, I found her picture on the site and a picture of them on her fb - I emailed both to him and said - it is over, we will never be back again.

I got closure - I was disgusted

This seems to be a success story, of sorts, because you stood up for yourself. Getting some sort of closure on BPD relationships seems to be very hard, personally I have my suspicions about what happened in my relationship ( a lot of things didn’t add up ), but Ive never been able to prove anything and I did ask her once if she was seeing someone while emotionally involved with me and she shut me out for 6-7 months. I feel like I have a lot of unfinished business with her, but I might not get the chance to resolve it