Fear of Myself more than her

[Hurt llama]

As I enter week three since 'breakup #4 or #5" of a long distance (thank god) push pull (both of us) relationship after telling her it's official... . it's over and watched her neatly and calmly (dead calm) pack her bag, we have only been in touch with a few very short emails and I sent her an email telling her I can't be her "Special friend" (w t h) or be her "Family".

Its about day 8 or 9 since NC week three of the end... .  longest ever in 6 years even though I broke off the engagement 3-4 years ago.

She's not the type to reach out for me nearly as much as I did for her... .  To her, it seemed like I was always saying goodbye but never leaving... .  and she was right. I left but didn't leave and I was 24/7 text partner and we would torture each other long distance with pictures of interesting things or pictures of our selves.

But the real fear here is me not her... . I block her number most of the time but she's not going to call anyway. I feel her... .  I could be wrong but if I were to guess, I think it's time for a new attraction and after that ends badly I will get the call... .  That's about 90-120 days... .

We've been apart for a long time and she was in some ridiculous relationship with a much older man and it was torture as expected for both of them... . same circus different clowns.

I am mostly scared of myself... . of breaking down and forgetting the reasons I can't be with her in spite of all the great and true things we shared... . I bottom line never felt safe that even if she didnt cheat she just made me nervous with being friends with ex's and men in general... . I never forgave her for early infidelity and got her back, and wrecked her life... .  maybe part of it was revenge. WHy don't I feel bad. i just don't.

But that drug was strong... .  I can easily rationalize why i should see her if she calls or is in my city... .  I can have fun sex, great times as long as I accept that I cut her loose and would have to accept that her MO is to step it up with an ex... . and her ability to sleep with me and then someone else or someone else and then me has been seen more than a few (disgusting) times.

If I am right about her (and I always seem to be) she will come after me at some point and maybe I will have drunkingly reached out and opened the door. But dollars to donuts, she will hurt me back for dumping her yet again... .  and the way to do that is to tell me in her nice calm toned voice "Llama, i am seeing "X" and it will make me want to throw up.

So maybe by writing this thread, I am a tiny bit closer to realizing that my words are true and that by acknowledging them, I am stronger.

One hopes.