My BPD brother demands an apology.

[howdy123]

Hi.

I'm trying to better my relationship with my brother who suffers from BPD.

In the past few months things have gotten pretty bad between us. But this message board has helped me and other members of my family communicate with him better.

At this point, however, I'm at a loss. He is demanding an apology from me for a lot of things I have a very different take on. He has also stated that he does not care about any of my grievances.

I understand that I should attempt to apologize for the situation and things of that nature. But in an effort to hold true to my principles, I don't feel I should apologize for my actions per say.  

Also, I don't know if i should try and relate to him that in order for us to make progress, we need to be having a two-way conversation. In other words, I don't think it's fair for me to be considerate of his grievances with him ignoring mine.

So, Hi -  - Thanks for any replies in advance. I want to state again that reading this forum has really helped me understand what's going on.

[laelle]

Howdy Howdy,  

Sorry I just had to say that.  

I would like to offer you an official welcome to the BPD family.

I can understand how you must feel being the bad guy in your brothers eyes when your reality tells a very different story.

Im my experience with my ex, I apologized for only the part that I felt sorry for.  The rest, I let him deal with in whatever way he decided to deal with it.  Anger (I wouldnt hang around for) or Being ignored (to which I left him alone and tried to continue my life)

As you have already taken the time to scout out our boards, have you taken a moment to read some of our lessons in how to communicate with a loved one who has BPD.  Here is just one link of many.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

What makes you feel you need to apologize when you dont feel that you have anything to apologize for?

Laelle  

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi howdy123,

I'd just like to extend another a warm welcome to you.  I'm glad to hear that you have found a lot of help on this site - me, too! 

I know I have a really hard time apologizing when I don't feel it's justified, or I don't understand the demand, and especially when there is no reciprocity.  You are definitely not alone in this - so many of us have been there.

Keep writing.  So many of us can relate and we have lots of tools, and advice that can improve this situation with your brother.

heartandwhole

[livednlearned]

 

Hi Howdy123,

The communication tools that laelle suggested are really good. I have a brother who is likely BPD -- didn't realize it until I divorced my N/BPD ex and learned about the disorder. Now I can see it in my family much more clearly. I haven't had to test any communication techniques on my brother because he isn't talking to me right now 

But I was reading a book called Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work by Dr. Burns, and he talks about the Disarming Technique. I have found it useful dealing with nonBPD people, and I imagine it could be useful with pwBPD. What I liked about the disarming technique is that you don't have to focus on what is right or wrong about what the other person is saying. If you do, and you feel defensive, you already know how that is going to end. But if you focus on what the person is feeling, and know that they are making those allegations because of the feelings they have (usually negative emotions like fear or anger), then you can acknowledge the feelings first, and disarm him.

I've used the technique with people at work, and it's been so profoundly effective I felt like I had discovered magic. Haven't tried it on BPD, but you might want to check it out. Seems promising.

[Alastor]

Welcome Howdy,

I think you've been given some great advice and resources here, so not much I can add except for some empathy. I think BPDs commonly demand apologies (which kind of takes away from the point of an apology, but oh well). Maybe it's a control thing, or some reach for validation of their crazy interpretations of things. My own dear BPDm once demanded an apology from me (for my "filthy behavior and treatment of her", whatever that was supposed to mean), and then promptly demanded I apologize to a while list of people "for lying to them about BPDm and misleading them". Bizarre and obviously not productive in my case to cave into her demands and ultimatums. Unfortunately at that time I didn't have the resources listed here on bpdfamily.com!

[hopesprings]

It wasn't until I started reading this board that it began to dawn on me that my brother could have BPD as well as my uBPD mother.  I came here for help with my mom, but your post about your brother demanding an apology is something I'm currently going through.  I actually have apologized, but my apology wasn't good enough. It never is.  He is allowed to have rages and lash out at me and my mother tells me I need to be the "bigger person".  No consequences for him whatsoever. He absolutely refuses to see any point of view besides his own. He'll tell my mom that he called me to "reach out", but he hasn't. It makes me crazy. He has a history of substance use/abuse and it is hard to determine how much that is effecting his behavior.  I have a much more peaceful life when I don't deal with him.  I also don't want his influence around my sons until he is in a more stable place, which may never happen. I finally got to the point where I understand that the little brother I tried to protect for so long is damaged and there isn't much I can do about it.