am I more screwed up than the rest of you?

[Not2Crazy]

I often think that I got extra screwed up because I didn't know about it till the end. With 20 years of having been married to a BPD I tried to put my trust in her and make decisions that I thought she agreed to.

She just parroted our counselors. Within her the lucid days and yet I see that most days were BPD days and she was just telling me that I had to do what the counselors said in times of her anxiety. Repeating these "isms" is her torrets.

It set her above me so she never did them herself it was just a way to excuse herself. What good does it do to tell a pwBPD that her partner has trouble expressing their feelings and a poor communicator? That's what they would tell her about me. that's a joke right?

I needed a counselor certified for working with BPD's or I'm going back to believing that it's really me that I didn't meet her needs and was the one abusing her like she said and the courts said because who can stand up to this vomit?

When none of them say ... .  "it could be BPD"

or are we all here blowing smoke about something that doesn't really exist?

lets talk DIAGNOSED BPD.

[No Black Tie Man]

Ha! I just last night had "the conversation" with my uBPDwife which primarily consists of all the ways that I am coming up short in our relationship, one of the biggest being my inability to communicate effectively (from her perspective). Her counselor has no idea what the real problem is, so they are focused on extraneous stuff like that.

Its a constant inner battle to convince myself that I did not create this situation. My only hope is that I have told enough people what is going on that when this blows up in my face, someone will go to bat for me.

Being a man is a liability in this situation, as it sounds like you have found courtesy of the courts.

[MontyD]

One thing I discovered is that most marriage counsellors don't have the skills to diagnose BPD.

If they do, they won't address the problem because they know that pwBPD will soon manipulate them. 

There is an awful lot of counsellors and psychologists that refuse to treat BPD.

When BPD is in the game, you are almost on your own.

Most help you will get here.  If you read all the stuff here and understand, you will soon know if your partner is a pwBPD.  And you will soon know who is screwed up !

Monty

[Take2]

Yes, I feel this way sometimes... .  not that I'm more screwed up than anyone else but that I will wonder how much I have contributed to the dynamic in my own r/s with an uBPD-bf.

I recognize that my issues DO contribute to the explosive dynamic that we have - but I am able to see that my ex IS without a doubt BPD and I suspect antisocial personality disordered as well - and it truly helped that my own therapist commented on that without prompting from me.  He's not diagnosed.  She doesn't know him so she can't diagnose him.  but if you aren't in therapy on your own, it might help you to go, as it can help you talk it out and have someone who DOES have experience with BPD point out what is clearly not your issue.  And also what might be your own issues that allowed you to experience the emotional abuse for 20 years that goes along with a BPD partner... .   

[lockedout]

When we were still in marriage counseling, I did some research on BPD after stumbling across a Yahoo ad about control freaks. I got to an appointment a little early and told him about what I'd learned and how the dynamics were a carbon copy of what I was dealing with. He told me that because she held a steady job, didn't jump from one relationship to another, and she didn't have a drug or alcohol problem that it wasn't possible for her to have BPD. He even dismissed my concerns over "high functioning" BPD. Because she played it so cool while she was there for her appointments; much of the time gaslighting me, he didn't see any signs of it. All while he was thumbing through his DSM-IV textbook reviewing the section on BPD.

I went to a few more appointments after the separation and he was concerned that I would place an inaccurate label on her and why our marriage flopped. I had already attributed much of our issues to my AHDH which is well managed. I had also gotten tested for Asperger's after the ex suggested it and I convinced myself that I'd had it after reading a few books. She could have told me I had anthything and I wouldhave gone off in that direction to try to solve all the problems I had that were making her so unhappy and miserable. He thought that m suspicions of BPD were just another thing I was pursuing to label the issues.

A diagnosis of BPD is highly unlikely nor is it useful. They'll resist any notion that something is wrong with them and even play nice in front of the therapist to deflect themselves as a target for being a "bad" person. If a therapist gives them such unpleasant news, they lose a patient. BPDers are looking  a buddy or a shoulder to cry on, not someone who will put them to the task of looking inward and addressing those issue.  Most insurance companies won't cover it either. Depression and anxiety are and it's just as easy to stick on that label, again, so they don't lose a patient. The diagnosis isn't useful since these people will never seek treatment.