I'm devastated

[Scott72]

Well went see the ex and she says she has to be alone. Doesn't want her family, doesn't want me, doesn't want anyone. I tried to reassure her and validate what she said but she says with me she can't go back. And that the more I try the more I push her away. I am gutted. I truly love this woman, I'm not codependant or thinking only of better times - I just love her and need her. Regardless of everything. If I only knew about BPD before now. I love her so much

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scott72]

And she still loves me- so infuriating- I wish she told me she didn't love me and to **** off

[waverider]

When you try you are probably expressing what YOU want or think. That invalidates her as she is only thinking about what she wants. Often just listening and offering no solutions takes the pressure off, and they are more comfortable with someone who just listens to what they have to say, offering your thoughts is often seen as hijacking their line of thought.

Their thought process are usually illogical and inconsistent, by trying to engage in debate about their thoughts can often cement in place a point of view which otherwise may be just fleeting, as you are giving it substance. Their instincts are to defend and deny hence loading up their justifications for their actions. Having to defend their actions in effect convinces them they are right, as they can only be right or wrong, no maybes.

With my partner the first sign of conflict of opinions sees her digging trenches ready for a stalemate war. Reality and progress goes out the window at that moment

[MockingbirdHL]

Scott72 - I am right there with you ... .  my BPDh is the same way.  Currently we are on day 3 of no contact.  Initiated by him.  Day 1 he just left the house and stayed away for two nights (first time he has done that since we've been married and living together), yesterday he had to go to work (out of town).  When he left on Day 1 he said "I will talk to you later in the week".  I know what that means - don't contact me, I will contact you - and I am about 90% sure when he does it will go something like this "I can't do this anymore, I can't trust you, It's killing me."

He can't trust me because he can't trust anyone; not because of anything I have actually done.  Or at least not anything that any NON would connect to a forever lack of trust ... .  

But if asked (and I asked several times) during his withdrawal (leading up to the actual physically leaving) he will admit he still loves me.  If I tell him I love him, sometimes he will nod, sometimes he will tell me he loves me too.

I want to scream in his face: IF YOU LOVE ME, THEN WHY THE F*** ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS AND TREATING ME THIS WAY?  WHY ARE YOU GIVING UP ON US, ON OUR FAMILY, ON OUR LIFE?


I almost wish he would say he doesn't love me anymore, THAT would make his behavior more understandable.

I am respecting his boundaries - I am not calling him, or emailing himm or texting him.  I want to more than anything!  I want to send him a text that says "I just want to let you know that I love you and I am here for you when you're ready."  But I haven't.

I'm deathly afraid I am going to come home from work one day this week and all his stuff will be gone out of the house.

[Scott72]

Wave rider thank you! I made the usual mistake of trying treason but also tried listening I think nc is only option now.

Mockingbird thanks for sharing I Feel same. We broke up in feb, but all from misunderstandings , disagreements of which I was partly responsible too. It's do obvious that the best thing for her and her children is we work at it, but it won't happen. I honestly feel that's it, and I will probably never see her again, it's destroying me

[waverider]

Problem is we cant control what other people do or think.

The more we say the more potential there is for reasoning being twisted to provide the "evidence" they require to justify otherwise unjustifiable actions. Hence often less is more