My ex best friend dating my ex BPDgf

[swimjim]

I am currently in counseling for my losing my ex girlfriend to my ex best friend.   Yes, two losses.

The way it happened was my ex girlfriend who has BPD traits contacted my friend fo a secret lunch to trash talk me. She manipulated him by telling him things that would make him mad at me and in turn he told her things that would turn her against me. Yes it sounds like we are back in high school. However, I was never around to defend myself and the damage was already done by the time I caught wind of it. If I was in my friends shoes, the way I would have handled it was to tell her that I would not want to get in the middle of anything and that my friend would have to know about our meeting. Well, it did not happen that way. Now they are in a relationship and I feel betrayed by both of them.

I have so much pinned up anger and I am trying to let it go. I am codependent and I am working on that in counseling. My question is regarding the betrayal. Codependents are supposed to form boundaries and stand up for themselves so the boundaries are not violated. In this situation, I have been told that the best thing for me to do IS LET IT GO. That contradicts not only me standing up for myself and being betrayed but also lets them off the hook. my leaving it alone, I remain codependent and they can act as if it was okay what they did because BY STANDING UP FOR MYSELF, I risk the chance of getting in trouble. Can anyone help me with this?

[Hiloguy]

I'm sorry for your loses.

First of all I  think your friend sounds like an ass for dating your ex so soon and not having any more regard for you than that. I also think that if he was really is a friend he would have talked to you about what your ex said to him and give you a chance to defend yourself.

In my opinion don't interfere and let the situation unfold as it will, he will see for himself what she is like. Keep talking to your therapist and try to move on, this situation sounds toxic and you deserve better than this.

Hiloguy

[egribkb]

Letting it go is setting boundaries. You are implementing a boundary that says "you idiots suck balls and I'd rather clean my toenails than have anything to do with either of you". It is not your job to punish them so how they take you letting it go should be of no concern. Whether or not you fed your goldfish enough this morning before work should be a higher priority for your braincycles than worrying about your best-non-friend and your xBPDgf.

[healingmyheart]

swimjim,

I can very relate to how your feeling.  I have a unique but equally messed up situation with my exBPD which still makes me feel soo wronged.  

I was introduced to my exBPD by a "mom friend" .  I didn't know her very well other than through church and our children through school.  She and my ex were what they called each other "best friends".  Keep in mind, this women is very MARRIED.  How many married women have single, good looking male friends that they have at their side to play with while there husband is away on business which is very frequent?  I think you get the picture... .  very inappropriate... .  already I've got red flags going off.  I even had another friends say, you know... .  the only way their relationship would be appropriate is if my ex was gay which he very much is not.  

After we got together, she suddenly acted "jealous" and refused to talk to me.  She would literally turn her head the other way to avoid me when she saw me... .  I knew something wasn't right.  She had a huge birthday party for herself yet didn't invite my ex (her so called "best friend"... .  hmmmm, something is fishy here.  

Well, six months into the relationship I stumble across written documentation that my ex had written in a journal about their "intimate physical affair".  I questioned him about it without telling him I knew the truth.  He adamantly denied it.  I gave him two more times to come clean and he still denied it.  I finally told him that I knew the truth.  Well, he finally said they did have an affair but they got over it and they are just friends.  I told him that I felt that even though they had discontinued the physical affair that I felt they continued the emotional affair (she is in a very unhappy marriage and my ex very much became a surrogate husband for her both emotionally and physically.) I said I wasn't comfortable with him communicating with her.  He agreed not to.  

Well, move forward about another 5-6 months and I found in my office writings about their physical affair.  It was in open journals right in front of my desk staring at me... .  yes, I looked and read but it's not like he was hiding them.  It made me sick to my stomach to have to stare at those journals every day knowing how much he relished in their intimacies.  He is a wonderful writing so he went into great detail about the physical relationship.  I asked him to shred the documentation... .  he protested and threw everything in my face and tried to blame me for everything.  That night he raged at me... .  I was on the floor in the bathroom in a ball crying while he was screaming at me.  OK, so he has an affair which he lied about and I'm the one getting scolded because I demand the truth.  

About a month or so later, I see my ex texting someone after midnight in bed.  I ask him about it... .  oh, it's just my daughter he says.  I see him doing it again and again.  He is being very discreet with his texts... .  muting the phone, etc.  I know something is going on... .  I go online and pull his phone records only to discover that he has been having secret communications via texts and phone calls with this married women for over 3 months.  Oh, I also discover that he was communicating with an ex girlfriend and another married women.  I was SHOCKED!  That night I exploded and told him I knew the truth... .  he tried to deny the phone records for over an hour.  

Within a matter of days, I changed the locks to the doors and locked him out.  I left and suitcase and pillow outside and the first night he slept in his car in the driveway.  He wouldn't leave!  I packed all his belongings up to and make him come get everything.  I have never felt so used and deceived in my life!  The man I thought I  knew was a pathological liar.  

I still hurt over the deceit that both my ex and this so called married "friend" did to me.  I feel that when my ex reached out to her after we got together she had a responsible to say "go away and work things out with your girlfriend and if it doesn't work out, then come to me".  I mean after all, she's the one who introduced us and wanted us to be together, right?  In hindsight, I see that she was equally as addicted to him as I am now and couldn't let go.  So, maybe in her heart she knew it was the right thing to let him go but she couldn't let go emotionally.  She still wanted and craved him... .  well, she can have him now for all I care!

I've talked to me ex and I asked if she apologized for her role.  He said "no".  He said that she can't believe that I kicked him out for that.  So ultimately they both sit and downplay what they did and make me out to be the bad guy... .  I was the one who was lied to and deceived but yet they are back together because of their deceit and I am said to be unforgiving and etc.  

I just talked to my counselor yesterday about how it still eats at me what they both did with no regard for me.  She said that they both have mental issues and all they can focus on is their needs.  (This women had two other affairs before my ex so she has a history herself of overstepping her boundaries).  Their own craziness bounds them and I can't change that... .  crazy attracts crazy.  I have my own standards which I have to follow.  My counselor says that with them, the rules don't apply.  I have to let go.  I can't change the way they feel about what they did.  I know the BPD cycle will continue with them just like it did with me.  The difference is that they both seem to be ok with affairs so they continue to take each other back.  I can't be involved with someone who has such poor boundaries and low standards and total disregard for me feelings.  I so deserve better.  

You deserve better too.  You've discovered that your friend is not really your friend.  Let him become enmeshed with the BPD craziness for now.  It is just a matter of time before he becomes devalued and as far as you should be concerned, he deserves it. What goes around comes around, right?  Be grateful that your ex has moved on.  They both have shown their true colors to you and you must accept that for what it is.  You shouldn't feel like you need to defend yourself now.  They will not change their thinking no matter what you say.  You should take the high road and be mature enough to say that you will not waste anymore of your time and energy in their drama... .  let it go and start living a "new, healthy life."  You know, I'm starting to feel very grateful for what I went through.  I've become stronger and trust me, I will not allow dysfunction back into my life again.  Yes, I have codependency traits too and the BPD relationship really brought them to the forefront.  There is hope for us and as long as we avoid mentally ill people in our life, we can have normal.  So, you are standing up for yourself by moving on and letting go... .  trust me, that is the right thing here.  Good luck to you

[turtle]

Now they are in a relationship and I feel betrayed by both of them.

You WERE betrayed by both of them.

I have been told that the best thing for me to do IS LET IT GO. That contradicts not only me standing up for myself and being betrayed but also lets them off the hook. my leaving it alone, I remain codependent and they can act as if it was okay what they did because BY STANDING UP FOR MYSELF, I risk the chance of getting in trouble. Can anyone help me with this?

Leaving them alone to wallow in their own dysfunction (BOTH of them are dysfunctional to have participated in this,) is the best advice ever.

Leaving it alone doesn't make you codependent.  Leaving that kind of chaos, deceitfulness, and drama alone propels YOU forward, leaving all of the BS behind you.

They can act as if what they did was okay if they want to.  That is their right, but remember the word "act."  Acting takes energy and when the ___ hits the fan, the acting will go out the window.  Chances are, they will soon find out (without ANY help from you,) that they are in a big fat mess.  They may think life is all sunshine and roses now, but relationships that start out in deceit rarely work.

What actions are you considering here that would make you feel like you're standing up for yourself?  Chances are, anything you would do (other than leaving it alone,) would just make YOU look like the crazy one.

Leave them be!

turtle

[seeking balance]

swimjim,

I can relate, my ex ended up with a close friend too.

Both were horrible betrayals and have really taken a toll on my ability to trust... .  give yourself time to process all these emotions.

What I can say is this is not uncommon - as a matter of fact, when I was looking for divorce attorney with BPD experience, one website had info on BPD and some supporting questions - one of the questions is has your stbx started an affair with your best friend... .  I was a bit shocked to say the least.

Standing up for yourself sometimes is letting go... .  If you say anything to either of them, you are going to look like a spurned lover.  Unfortunately, people forget how f'd up this is - it is - but outsiders have very short memories.

I wrote many a letter and had many conversations in my head to the ex friend... .  my own T reminded me that this person is likely PD of some sort... .  I mean this person knew we were in MC and I even discussed the SWOE book with her... .  so eyes wide open and chose to see the victim... .  

Let your anger process, give it time - it will get better... .  I am living proof that it gets better.  It doesn't dominate my thoughts any longer... .  Time does heal.

Hang in there,

SB

[swimjim]

Thanks for all your answers. I know that the best thing to do is let it go and I am commited to doing just that. I find myself ruminating about a fantasy of giving my ex buddy a piece of my mind by saying " I've known that woman a whole lot longer than you have and I could have done you a big favor if only you would have valued our friendship. But since we have no friendship, the favor I could have given you would have been important information to you (BPD) that would been for your own good. Instead you will have to find out on your own and by that time, it may be too late for you".

Then I wake up from my fantasy and realize I look better just ignoring him. He is a recovering alcoholic, 60 years old and has not been in a real relationship in over 35 years. The best way for me to move on is to never see either of them ever again. This is highly unlikely since he is still a client of mine in business and she bought a house that is only a few blocks away from my business.

[turtle]

I find myself ruminating about a fantasy of giving my ex buddy a piece of my mind by saying " I've known that woman a whole lot longer than you have and I could have done you a big favor if only you would have valued our friendship. But since we have no friendship, the favor I could have given you would have been important information to you (BPD) that would been for your own good. Instead you will have to find out on your own and by that time, it may be too late for you".

He is a recovering alcoholic, 60 years old and has not been in a real relationship in over 35 years.

Not to rain on your fantasy, but even if you "warned" him... .  he wouldn't believe you.  You wouldn't have believed it either!

And yeah... .  he sounds like a real catch.    After a 35 year break, he's in for a wild, and unpleasant, ride.

[Somewhere]

swimjim,

If you think about this . . .  thank goodness they found each other.

As for what to do?

"Never Interfere With the Enemy When He's in the Process of Destroying Himself."

I would look at replacing him as a client.  You do not need that kind of business.

And Thank God for removing her from your life.

Really.

You do not want to get in the middle of the grief they are going to cause each other.

Now that those problems are out of your personal life . . . what are you going to do of real quality?

[swimjim]

I am going to work on myself and becoming a healthier emotional being. I have been eating healthy, not drinking, exercising every day, have lost almost 30 pounds. Now I have to work on my people pleasing, rescuer, codependent traits so I don't fall into another unhealthy relationship. I need to stop feeling guilty for failing this relationship. I need to stop feeling guilty for thinking I am responsible for drawing those two together. I need to actually believe in my heart that I truly DODGED a bullet.

[turtle]

I am going to work on myself and becoming a healthier emotional being. I have been eating healthy, not drinking, exercising every day, have lost almost 30 pounds. Now I have to work on my people pleasing, rescuer, codependent traits so I don't fall into another unhealthy relationship. I need to stop feeling guilty for failing this relationship. I need to stop feeling guilty for thinking I am responsible for drawing those two together. I need to actually believe in my heart that I truly DODGED a bullet.

[Shawry88]

I’m going through this exact situation right now.
I understand this happened 10 years ago to you, but what was the outcome in the end?