Resolved an issue on my own now he is upset

[Depression = 72% of members]

There is a car issue in our family that has been a big problem. When I try to discuss it or ask for help, he rages at me. This has been going on for about 4 months, and about 6 weeks ago, I stopped saying anything about it at all. It is costing me A LOT of money and the last argument, I was told it was my problem. So, I have been working on a solution that doesn't involve him, and got it worked out. He found out that I had it resolved today (not that it was a secret... .  I just didn't discuss it), and he is now upset again. He says he feels embarrassed and humiliated & everyone would think he failed. I told him I was not upset with him, but I had to solve the problem. I stated that he had gotten angry when I tried to talk about it, so I had to come up with a solution. Then I left him alone with his feelings. I am not upset, but I do think he cost me quite a bit of money by his actions. Not helping resolve situation, saying he was gonna do xyz and not following thru etc. I didn't tell him anything other than I am not angry, and just had ti figure things out. I have changed my expectations on this type of thing in the future. I will make sure I can do whatever on my own. That in itself sometimes becomes a problem, because he gets upset when I take care of things on my own. I don't know if he wants to help & can't get it together, or if it is a control thing where he wants me dependent and he has control.

How am I doing, and what can I do better?

[sadeyes]

There is a car issue in our family that has been a big problem. When I try to discuss it or ask for help, he rages at me. This has been going on for about 4 months, and about 6 weeks ago, I stopped saying anything about it at all. It is costing me A LOT of money and the last argument, I was told it was my problem. So, I have been working on a solution that doesn't involve him, and got it worked out. He found out that I had it resolved today (not that it was a secret... .  I just didn't discuss it), and he is now upset again. He says he feels embarrassed and humiliated & everyone would think he failed. I told him I was not upset with him, but I had to solve the problem. I stated that he had gotten angry when I tried to talk about it, so I had to come up with a solution. Then I left him alone with his feelings. I am not upset, but I do think he cost me quite a bit of money by his actions. Not helping resolve situation, saying he was gonna do xyz and not following thru etc. I didn't tell him anything other than I am not angry, and just had ti figure things out. I have changed my expectations on this type of thing in the future. I will make sure I can do whatever on my own. That in itself sometimes becomes a problem, because he gets upset when I take care of things on my own. I don't know if he wants to help & can't get it together, or if it is a control thing where he wants me dependent and he has control.

How am I doing, and what can I do better?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

It sounds like you did great!  You can't really manage his feelings around these things.  You were right to leave him alone to sort out his own feelings. 

[yeeter]

You did great!

And don't sound agrynor bitter or anything... .  Just the facts.  You needed a resolution.  You solved it.

Was he more upset at the higher level concept that you did it without him, or was there something about the specific solution you chose that upset him.

C

[sadeyes]

You did great!

And don't sound agrynor bitter or anything... .  Just the facts.  You needed a resolution.  You solved it.

Was he more upset at the higher level concept that you did it without him, or was there something about the specific solution you chose that upset him.

C

He was upset on one level because my parents helped me for the afternoon. He said they would look down om him.

Second, he said now he failed his family.

In all honesty, I think he was feeling badly, because he thought others would think badly of him. That's  the only thing I can really figure. That and the loss of control.  He was not the puppetmaster on this subject anymore. He had no control. If I needed him to get a job done then he has power. If i dont he doesnt have the power. subconsciously I believe.

[sadeyes]

It sounds like you did great!  You can't really manage his feelings around these things.  You were right to leave him alone to sort out his own feelings. 

Go Me!  :-)