thinking of suicide

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been 4 months of NC with my BPDexgf, and I say no contact because she has completely cut me out of her life and has gone silent.  I miss her so much.  The last two weeks have been harder than usual.  I'm tired.  I thought she was the one, she thought I was the one.  We were on the brink of taking the next step and building a good life together.  I'm lonely.  I think about her all the time and wonder how what was going so good ended up so bad.  Why she sees me as a horrible person.  I was good to her.  I was the best to her of anybody I've ever been involved with.  She makes no effort to reach out to me.  How could I have gone from being the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with to somebody that she despises.  I didn't do anything to merit this.  Yet I want her back.  And I'm sad.  I feel helpless that's there's nothing I can do to get her to come back.  I'm hopeless.  I honestly am tired of life at this point.  I don't want to wake up anymore to this.  I have sought help, but it doesn't take away the pain.  My life is pain.  Sometimes I feel its best to just put the pain to rest.

[Hard Times]

It's been 4 months of NC with my BPDexgf, and I say no contact because she has completely cut me out of her life and has gone silent.  I miss her so much.  The last two weeks have been harder than usual.  I'm tired.  I thought she was the one, she thought I was the one.  We were on the brink of taking the next step and building a good life together.  I'm lonely.  I think about her all the time and wonder how what was going so good ended up so bad.  Why she sees me as a horrible person.  I was good to her.  I was the best to her of anybody I've ever been involved with.  She makes no effort to reach out to me.  How could I have gone from being the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with to somebody that she despises.  I didn't do anything to merit this.  Yet I want her back.  And I'm sad.  I feel helpless that's there's nothing I can do to get her to come back.  I'm hopeless.  I honestly am tired of life at this point.  I don't want to wake up anymore to this.  I have sought help, but it doesn't take away the pain.  My life is pain.  Sometimes I feel its best to just put the pain to rest.

[laelle]

Hey Hard Times,

I can understand how lonely it is for you right now.  Its normal to have feelings of helplessness and hopelessness when in pain.

I see that you are in alot of pain, and I wanted to send you a huge   and let you know that you are not alone.

We are here for you.  

You feel that there can no longer be joy in your life because you arent speaking with your exgf?

[Mightyhammers]

It's been 4 months of NC with my BPDexgf, and I say no contact because she has completely cut me out of her life and has gone silent.  I miss her so much.  The last two weeks have been harder than usual.  I'm tired.  I thought she was the one, she thought I was the one.  We were on the brink of taking the next step and building a good life together.  I'm lonely.  I think about her all the time and wonder how what was going so good ended up so bad.  Why she sees me as a horrible person.  I was good to her.  I was the best to her of anybody I've ever been involved with.  She makes no effort to reach out to me.  How could I have gone from being the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with to somebody that she despises.  I didn't do anything to merit this.  Yet I want her back.  And I'm sad.  I feel helpless that's there's nothing I can do to get her to come back.  I'm hopeless.  I honestly am tired of life at this point.  I don't want to wake up anymore to this.  I have sought help, but it doesn't take away the pain.  My life is pain.  Sometimes I feel its best to just put the pain to rest.

Hello mate – how old are you?

[heartandwhole]

HardTimes,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way.  We really care about you.

What happened today to put you in this frame of mind and heart?

I encourage you to call a local helpline.  You can find it in the phone book.  It's just a precaution, you don't even have to give your name, but you can speak to a live person, which really helps at times like these.  

Keep writing, we are here to support you.

heartandwhole  

[costadelmar]

Hard Times,

I feel your pain we all do, we're all going through it, my exBPDgf essentially did the same thing.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and yes I did so much more to make it work in that relationship than any I've ever been in.  I just have to take solace in the fact that it was only real to me, and I also think about the emotional pain and ask myself do I really want to go back to this again?  I mean if we got back together for some reason it would only end again and she would happily move onto anther victim but I would be right back to the pain again.  It's not worth it not anymore.  Be strong it gets easier, some people it seems can rebound faster than others but it doesn't mean the pain's not the same it's been 4 1/2 months since my last relationship with the BPD ended and 48 days (49 today) NC technically 72 days NC there was a quick 1 text each exchange her texting me telling me not to reply but informing me of a good deal I should look into and me texting back telling her to never contact me again.  Either way I don't think I could ever handle or go through that kind of pain again.  Hang in there, my thoughts and prayers are going out to you today.

Costa 

[Siamese Rescue]

I'm new here but I've noticed a lot of posts related to "he/she loved me one minute and hated me the next"  I can easily identify with you. My ex and I were on vacation two weeks ago exchanging I love you and being so intimate it's not appropriate to discuss on this page. Ten days later he hates me and I'm his enemy. I too feel your raw agony. I can feel it coming through this computer screen. It feels just like mine... .  

Don't kill yourself because honestly it won't make her feel remorseful about your death, she'll just write you off as a nut who had mental disease. I know that suggestion may seem absurd but some of us wonder if we make the ultimate sacrifice whether THAT will make them love is again even if we aren't alive to enjoy it. If you're contemplating suicide because you can't bear the pain of losing her, I would get medical attention because there are Rx meds that can help restore your panic and despair. If you're thinking of killing yourself because you don't think your life is repairable, keep in mind that the greatest love of your life could still out there and you could be depriving her and yourself of a wonderful life together. Further, you could find your future so much happier than now. Don't throw in the towel, because she'll really think less of you then. I know that's not a cogent argument for talking someone out of suicide but I'm trying to communicate with you in terms that you care about right now and that is solely all about her. Hang in there because killing yourself isn't an option. It's off the menu.

[Siamese Rescue]

Correction - there are Rx meds that can restore your mind from panic and despair.

[Hard Times]

Thank you all.  I am too tired to reply with more but I am here.

[hellnback]

God has a plan for you. He needs you alive. Trust me, you will be ok

[Dave44]

Hey man, please view my profile and read my previous posts. I WAS exactly where u are... .  EXACTLY. Please read my posts.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Just like Dave44 said, take a look at some of mine too. In the exact same boat as you. Except now I'm able to look at her for what she really is, and see there was nothing I could do about it, nor could she. You gotta try and not take this personal. And trust me, I know that seems like an insane thing to say when you are talking about losing someone that meant so much to you. But for them it's a defense mechanism. You know what's equally crazy? You were probably so good to her, and for her, that the thought of losing you someday made her leave. That's what they do. They end up fulfilling their own worst fears by being the one to leave first. Me and my ex have never had a shred of bad blood or fighting between us. She was the love of my life also, and was only in my life for a precious 10 months. Now it's been a little over 1 month since she's been gone. She did pop back in my life about a week ago, which was kind of cathartic. She FB creeped me and showed up where I was at with her new guy. It tells me she hasn't let go either. I bet neither has yours. You are only a terrible person to her now because the truth that you were a great part of her life, and that she threw that away would cause pain to her even more crippling than you are feeling now. Have some solace in this: If she's happy, it's only temporary. These people are never TRULY happy. It's only fleeting for them. When something becomes too serious, or wrong with her new guy, she'll ditch him too. She might even look to you at that point. They do have people they see as special, or good. And those people become safe places in times of pain or need. So this may not be over yet, but if you do hear from her it will be on her time. But be careful, it can never be the same again. Unless this person is really wanting to address their disorder with you, and is willing to work with you to make a life (such as couple's counseling specializing in BPD, or talking to you about what she feels) then you will repeat this cycle over and over again. I've gone through 2 BPD ex's, and one keeps popping back up the worse her life gets, and the other I think about everyday and miss her so badly sometimes I can't help but cry. Be strong, even though now that seems impossible, try and fill your life with positivity and you will be amazed with what comes from it

[Scott72]

Don't give up mate! We can do it!

[Mightyhammers]

Hey man, please view my profile and read my previous posts. I WAS exactly where u are... .  EXACTLY. Please read my posts.

Yep – me too. It got to the point where I was actually trawling through the internet for ways to do it – horrible. Just give it a few days to pass but I guarantee it will. IT GETS BETTER, trust me.

[heartandwhole]

So many of us have been there, HardTimes, and it's a terrible place to be.  But it really does get better.  We are thinking of you.  Have you been able to talk to someone?

We care.  

heartandwhole

[Rameses]

Don't be ashamed of going to a doctor and getting some meds to help you through this time. We have gone through a traumatic experience and sometimes our neurotransmitters get jacked up. And a lot of us had these problems even before our BP relationship. So it's not weak to get meds it's actually very wise.

[VeryFree]

We all are worth more than we were made believe during our r/s, or in some cases: after breaking up.

We all are worth more than we might think after being dumped.

We all are worth more than we might think after being treated like a b*stard/criminal/bad person/…

We all are worth more than we got from our x.

And so are you!

It’s hard, I know, we all know. We’ve been there, we are there.

Don’t let it get to you: share your story. Share your feelings. Use these boards.

Take care.

[bb12]

hey Hard Times

I'm the same as Dave44... .  was in the exact same position as you are in now

And guess what?... .  it gets better really fast!

I am fine now... .  more than fine... .  I have learned so much about myself, others, ... .  life

This can be a really amazing experience, after the rawness stage that you're in

My ex cut me off cold. Silent treatment. And it invalidates us beyond our comprehension

The trick is not to believe it. So a person with a mental illness is immaturely trying to teach you a lesson... .  when she is in no place to be teaching anything!

Just don't buy into it. Apply radical acceptance... .  that she has a serious illness and you can't fix it

Then radically accept this: you are amazing, generous, completely worthy of love. And none of the messages she is trying to send actually apply to you.

And while we're practising these affirmations... .  keep going. Keep examining yourself. Take the focus off her and being a victim to what she is trying to dole out.

Love yourself sick.

You need to tough these first few months out... .  learn to sit in it. Accept it. Don't fight it.

The addiction peptides will abate... .  and what emerges is a whole new you. A you that can't be attracted to these people ever again!

And keep posting here. This panel of wonderful strangers is awesome. All bonded through borderline abuse... .  and all here for you!

BB12

[Sleep doc]

Do not let her illness win!  Don't let her win!  Living well is the best revenge and is also the key to your long term happiness.  Don't give up on yourself.  NONE OF US HERE WILL... .  please tell us you are ok and let us know whatever you need!

[Hard Times]

I am hanging on, but the pain continues. 

She once told me that she was closer to me than she had ever been to anyone she was involved with.  I felt special.

We were about to move in together.  She told me while she was scared to start this new phase of her life she couldn't think of anyone she'd rather do this with than me.  I felt special, but I scratched my head thinking... .  why be scared?

She broke it off with me after having a major meltdown... .  triggered by a bad night of bickering three days before the breakup, high stress levels, and her imagined abandonment.

Does she even think of me anymore?  It's been 4 months of silent treatment.  Is she long gone?

[nolisan]

I have has simular thoughts. She made me feel bad - I'll make her fell bad by ending my life.

Great theory ... .  bad outcome - for you an the rest of the world that wants, needs and loves you.

Mine told me one time that other people suicides did not bother her in the least - neither would mine.

Take back Your power - take her as a great teacher - for the things you DO Not need.

[Newton]

Hard Times ... .  your user name illustrates exactly what you are going through right now... .  I have felt exactly the same as you before... .  we feel such a sense of loss that a future seems pointless... .  

What gets us through this is hanging on to the glimmer of hope... .  that things will improve... .  suicide is often an attempt to make sure that things cannot get any worse... .  but what it really acheives is stopping the chances of things getting better... .  

This pain you are suffering WILL subside, I absolutely guarantee that, these feelings will pass... .  I suggest you take Dave44's advice and look back through his posts... .  he was in your place only a few weeks ago... .  and now he is in such a stronger place and posting insightful, sensitive, thoughtful posts which are helping others... .  and helping his recovery... .  ... .  I think his story is inspirational... .  I hope you do too... .  

The person you lost is NOT the key to your happiness or your future... .  I fully understand it feels that way right now... .  Avoiding your current pain by taking your life will end the chance of things improving for you... .  and you deserve things to improve... .  as we all do.

[Chazz]

It's been 4 months of NC with my BPDexgf, and I say no contact because she has completely cut me out of her life and has gone silent.  I miss her so much.  The last two weeks have been harder than usual.  I'm tired.  I thought she was the one, she thought I was the one.  We were on the brink of taking the next step and building a good life together.  I'm lonely.  I think about her all the time and wonder how what was going so good ended up so bad.  Why she sees me as a horrible person.  I was good to her.  I was the best to her of anybody I've ever been involved with.  She makes no effort to reach out to me.  How could I have gone from being the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with to somebody that she despises.  I didn't do anything to merit this.  Yet I want her back.  And I'm sad.  I feel helpless that's there's nothing I can do to get her to come back.  I'm hopeless.  I honestly am tired of life at this point.  I don't want to wake up anymore to this.  I have sought help, but it doesn't take away the pain.  My life is pain.  Sometimes I feel its best to just put the pain to rest.

Four months is a long time to be in such terrible pain, Hard Times. I'm so sorry.

I understand though, I'm in my own pain, and have been, on and off, for the past 4 1/2 years.

As to your comments:  "My life is pain... .  Sometimes I feel it's best to just put the pain to rest." I understand why you may well feel that way. I often do, too. I'd be a liar if I said suicide has never crossed my mind.

When I get to that place, I believe it's because I'm in an emotional trap. I'm confusing the pain I feel BECAUSE of my relationship with my BPD partner, with the NEED for the relationship to end. The relationship is the source of my pain, regardless of how much I wish it was otherwise.   

Partnering with our BPDs will never/could NEVER get us to a pain free state. The outcome was always inevitable - the relationship had to end. On some level I knew that and toe danced my way through craziness for years. I was trying to forestall the inevitable at considerable cost to my self-esteem, psyche and life in general. It was on a fool's errand that could only end one way. And, it has. It was I N E V I T A B L E ! ! ! ! 

Basically healthy, loving human beings aren't meant to live in pain or craziness. Trying to do so, got us questioning whether we can, or wish to, continue breathing.   

Living in close proximity to the illness of BPD can do that to you. It can, and often does, make us Nons a little bit crazy, too.

I see my suicidality as a metaphor. A feature of my exhaustion, sense of powerlessness and hopeless over not being able to "love" my Ex into wellness... .  Hard Times, that was NEVER something that was realistically possible. Their illness is not ours to conquer. It's a war raging within them. We're casualties of that war and it's time for us to withdraw from the battle field to nurse our own wounds lest we succumb to a war not of our making.

Hard Times... .  It is really important that we are right-minded about our pain and despair. Dying over a metaphor is a victory for BPD.