help advise needed for a situation

[enough abuse]

Ugh, just when I thought I was having a good day... .  

So even though I am trying so hard to get my life back together something happens to upset me terribly. 

I had mentioned a situation with an upcomming family shower and what to do about the gift my mom, my BPD sister and myself were going in on until she had her last horrible outburst and now we are not speaking to her.  My mom and I decided we would not contact her re the gift because that would only rev up problems that finally settled for the time being.  If she still thought she was going in on the gift she could contact us and pay. 

My mom was talking to my aunt (grandmother of the bride) and asked her to tell her if her name was on the gift or not and if it was not she would send something.  My sister told my aunt there is trouble in the family.  My aunt knows the story of what has happened and how horrible she has treated my mother and I.  My aunt just said "I'm sorry to hear that"  she did not let on that she knew about her behaviors and what horrible things took place.  My aunt told my mom my sister started to cry real hard.  She just listened to her.  My aunt told my mom she told my sister she would call her back after the shower.  My aunt has asked my mom what she should say.

UGGGGG... .  Of course no extended family member want to get involved and I understand and respect that, but on the other hand it makes me so frustrated... .  I wish SOMEONE would stand up and call her on her actions.  I know she is hurting, she is hurting terribly... .  evidenced by the crying.  As my social worker has said, she likely fears abandonment.  Even though she is so awful to mom and I, she fears our abandonment.  I truly feel awful for her and just wish she would seek help.  I have offered to get her help, pay for her help, go with her if she wanted and of course like any BPD she refuses as "she has no problem"

What should my aunt tell her? 

I just had a inappropriate outburst to my mom because I just cant take this much more.

Thanks for any input

[cleotokos]

Hi enough abuse, I can't say what your aunt should tell her, but I know how unfair you must feel it all is. While the rest of us have to deal with the consequences of our actions, BPD people create their own hell and expect other people to take the rap for it. It's sad that she broke down when your aunt said she was sorry to hear the story. She clearly is in pain, and is craving understanding and comforting and sympathy. I know you probably feel she doesn't deserve any of that since she created the whole situation in the first place. What to do? I struggle with the same questions with my uBPD mom. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but you're not alone in these feelings. I wish there was some way to make them see they need help!

[ScarletOlive]

Hi enough abuse,

I'm sorry you're struggling with this dilemma. It can be tough to feel caught in the middle of family drama, and I hear you. Your social worker is probably right-your sister likely feels abandoned. Thus far, what your aunt has said is really good. She's been validating your sister's feelings without validating her behavior.

Do you think that your stress comes more from your sister not getting help than from the gift? Sometimes we hit that last straw. What do you want to happen in this situation? What do you want your aunt to say? Perhaps (just a suggestion) it would help if you talked to your sister directly using the SET Technique

.

Sending you lots of caring and support.

[enough abuse]

I wish talking to my sister directly was an option but I clearly is not.  Speaking from much experience, this would only rev up lots of problems.  She would not simply answer the question it would turn into #1 lies and #2 she would go off on a tangent with lies not even related to the subject.  This happens all the time.  During this last episode I always use a very calm voice when talking to her and am very matter of fact.  She feels trapped by this and says " I think I know it all and am all professional etc. etc... .  "  She wants me to argue back and just fight... .  which I refuse to do.

My Aunt is 75 years old and does not need to get involved in this.  If she did try to talk to her it would only bring out lies and her trying to show she is the victim.  As cleotocos said, she creates her own Hell then expects everyone else to pay for it, or SHE wants to look like the victim. 

If anyone could convince her to get help (I know nearly impossible) and if the professional could read through her.  She is excelent on being intuitive and manipulative... .  such an expert makes me sick... .

My SW told me she will not even see BPD pt's as she does not trust them in the pt-professional relationship.  Funny she said that as my husband told me a few years ago when my sister put in a swimming pool " I will never be the the pool with her kids cuz I don't trust her, she will take any opportunity to turn it into a lie"  MY husband refuses to be "set up" or put in that situation... .  so sad... .  

I guess I just "want" my aunt to simply anwer her and say "your name was not on the gift"  goodby I need to go... .  but my aunt is a big talker that will not happen... .  She needs to just be firm and state she doesnt want to get involved... .  not sure how that will go over... .  

I so know this will linger ALL my life... .  but I so wish I could walk away and never deal with it... .  wishful thinking... . everyone in this group probably wishes the samw