How do I remedy a relationship when there is none.

[angeldust1]

My daughter lives 5 miles from me.  After my father died she told me she wanted nothing more to do with me or "my" family   as though they aren't hers.  This typical irrationtional behavior is all I have ever seen from her.   I felt it was just another way to hurt me.  She seems to hate everyone,  but most of all me.  She had a marriage that lasted 9 years, (he was a very tolerant man,  and they were young then divorced... .  but of course it was all his fault.)  and then another that lasted less than 3 mos.  She has had several relationships that ended with the mate moving while she was at work.    This last marriage (if that is what call it,)  seems to have sent her over the edge.  She hasn't spoken to me in well over a year over something she thinks I did,  but I did not do,  and if I try to explain she hangs up on me.  My heart breaks from missing her,   but, I must admit,  it is easier than being disrespected and having to measure every word.  I am the only family member she will not have contact with.  But I still miss her so much.  If I try to make any contact I am chastised for being a horrible parent and that I never loved her.  I have walked on eggshells most of her life,  I also know if  she were to come back into my life,  it would just bemore of the same.

She has a good job, nice home, and  is very functional in everyway,  except in  relationships.

How do I deal with this?  I have just stopped blaming myself,  and do realize she has a disorder,  but I love her,  she is my child.  How can you love someone who seemingly hates you without reason,  and offers you nothing but pain and hurt.  Most to the point how do I distance her from my emotions,  until she is ready to get help or realize she has a problem and not everyone else,  without going out of my mind,  with sadness.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mamachelle]

Hi angeldust1,



It sounds like you are in a difficult situation right now. I see you have been with us before and not only have concerns about your Daughter but also about your Son as well. Welcome back and we look forward to hearing more of your story.  

I am a mom and stepmom. I am a Non remarried to a NonH. Both of us with BPDex spouses. We are raising 6 kids, brady bunch style, yours, mine and ours... .  ranging in age from 2-16. One of my SS10 is showig BPD traits. Even at 10 years old it is a challenge.

There are so many parents and grandparents dealing with the same or similar issues you are right now.

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey.

I hope you are interested in coming out to our Main Boards to share more of your story and learn ways to cope with the stress of having possibly 2 children with BPD.

Yours,

mamachelle

[Grey Kitty]

  angeldust1,

Your situation sounds really tough, I wish I had some good and easy answers for you.

It sounds like you realize you can't make her talk to you... .  or do anything else for that matter. Wanting it to be otherwise is very natural, but it doesn't change anything. Acceptance does help.

Radical Acceptance for family members

mamachelle already suggested some other good material for you to read.

Would you be comfortable telling us more about what she thinks you did a year ago, or how the (bad) conversations about it go?

Hang in, and stick around here--you will find the support of people who really understand what you've been through is invaluable!

 GK

[angeldust1]

Thank you both for your replies,  and I am reading some material right now, and see a therapist.   I will never stop trying to find the answers,  to what seems insurmountable.   I must apologize,  and I am coming clean ... .  It IS  my son I am refering to! I didn't realize you could see previous posts,  I am so paranoid that he would find out I am still seeking answers,  that I changed his gender to hide it. 

Id lost my log in info,  so I have not been able to get back in.  I just found an old book that I'd written it in,  and was so happy I was able to get back in.

As you both know,  these kids make you so paranoid,  you are afraid to even say how you feel for fear they will find out and rage out of control or fear more isolation.  If he knew this I'm sure I'd be isolated again for even more years. While I am writing this,  I am realizing he contols me even in his absense.  This is my house,  my computer and he doesn't even visit.  Why am I still trying to protect/hide from him.   He is a grown man,  and has no right to tell me what I can or cannot do. 

The issue we spoke about that began this whole isolation thing is this:

I'd taken him out to eat,  and we had a marvelous time.  He ate and laughed and we actually had fun.  On the way home,  I accidently  told him I knew his... .  EX WIFE OF 10 YEARS BACK... .  had a child.  I thought he knew!  OMG,  the unpardonable sin.   Upon arriving home I got a phone call, raging about me consprining with his ex and we must be friends, he'd previously told me I had to pick who I'd be loyal to. Ridiculous right,   and I always "befriended the people that hurt him the most" we hung up angry and he called right back.  I didn't answer for fear of more angry words from him.  So he texted me the most horrible things a person could say to another.  And even mentioned that he wanted nothing more to do with me since my mother died.  What on earth does one have to do with the other. 

Anyhow,  he told his father whom I am divorced from, and is  bi-polar that I'd shown him pictures of her kids, (plural),   have them over,  and even baby sit for her. ( I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE SEX OF HER CHILD!) I swear I thought he knew,  or never would I have been the culprit of such unbearable news.  He and she could not have children... .  so that was his reason for the break up,  I suspect it was a lot more than that. 

That... .  was the horrible sin I committed to have him isolate me for over a year.  Didn't see him for Christmas or Easter of this year,  and no exchange of text for Easter.  He doesn't answer his phone,  only replies to text in the ugliest way possible.  I just will not subject myself to more hurt just to have a relationship with him.  Before I took anything he dished out just to see him.  But no more of it!

The fact still remains I miss him and love him,  I don't like him very much,  but I will always love him.  I would not be still trying to understand otherwise.     Sad!

[mamachelle]

Hi angeldust1,

Oh, no worries, on the son/daughter stuff.   

It's part of our job to read older posts and so that is how I saw it. If you click on the tab-

profile you can see a link to your last posts.

Yes, it is highly unlikely your S would ever find you on this board so I would not worry at all.

This is a link to a few suggestions on internet privacy for you. If you have further questions -- let us know.

Privacy/Security

As for you going forward, please go ahead and post on our Main Boards, you will find other parents dealing with these same kinds of issues right now.

Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

Here are a few more links to help you with coping right now:

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

  mamachelle

[Grey Kitty]

angeldust1,

Given how upset your son is now, you may not get a chance to use this anytime soon, but I think it could help your next encounter, especially if the same topic comes up.

TOOLS: Stop Being Invalidating

Are you making things worse?  Many times, when we are communicating with our loved ones, the words we use to explain ourselves or to justify ourselves, or to prove our point, come across as challenging and defiant to them. How often have you been in a conversation where the more you tried to explain something, the less the other person seemed to hear you and the angrier they got? That's because your words were essentially telling the other person they're wrong and you're right.

This was written targeting romantic relationship partners, but I think the dynamics still apply to your situation.

I hope you find some healing here. Posting on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board as mamachelle suggested will be helpful for you.

[vivekananda]

oh angeldust1,

It hurts so much doesn't it? If I think too much about how it hurts I start to cry, so I try to gloss over it, but your post is so raw and I think I can understand how you are feeling. We mums of adult children with BPD who have no contact are in such a bind aren't we... .  we love them, want to have a good relationship with them, want them to get better, want to have that family we dreamed of when they were little babes. We are grieving aren't we?

Just to let know, my dd of 32 has had very little contact with me since early last year. At the end of last year I was hoping that we were on the way back to establishing a relationship (we had coffee twice) but then it seems she had a relationship break up and had another melt down and I haven't seen her or spoken with her since Xmas. The text exchanges have been hurtful when she has responded to my requests for another coffee chat.

So, I think I get it eh?

Just to let you know though, that I am hopeful and working on it all still. But it is hard. My dear husband is not quite with me yet on doing what I think we need to do, but we are slowly getting there.

What am I doing? Reading still anything that will develop my understanding of the key tools: boundaries and validation (esp Validation). Reading all I can that helps me understand BPD. Reading all I can about Mindfulness and how to be happy. Most importantly for me though is participating on the boards here. It has been through my friends here that I have been able to stay on track and keep sane.

angeldust1, I do recommend that you introduce yourself to us on the Parents Board (see the link on mamachelle's last post to you). There are many of us there who know how it feels. If you introduce yourself to us and start your own post, you can begin your own conversation and begin to feel the benefits of having people to talk with who understand.

Let me know what you think... .  and if you have any questions, feel free to ask,

Cheers,

Vivek        

[vivekananda]

angeldust1 just a note to put this into your new replies box... .  

Vivek