Walked in as Knight in Shining Armour, Left with Knife in Back

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After lots and lots of soul searching... .  ive been lead to this forum. I know almost everything happens for a reason, but not everything, i.e., inexplicable tragedies. Yesterday, I was crying outside a restaraunt during a family birthday party when an older women walked out and asked if i was ok? i said, oh just girl problems... .  she felt sorry for me. I told her my gf and i broke up two weeks ago. at first it was mutual, but then it shifted towards her not wanting her, and me wanting it. now its mutual yet again after I finally found some self respect for myself. My gf was 18, im 25. I told her that, and she told me that when young girls look for older men, its most likely due to a pscyhological trauma that has to do with her father.

My gf told me her father was abusive, and negligent. She admitted to me that her father had hit her mom, and her sister. (prob her too, but she wouldnt admit it in a million years) she always says how much she loves her dad, but i know a side of her has to resent him. So i googled, "abusive fathers + daughers + relationships" Eventually, i found an answer! She must have BPD! possibly even schizoid. Im not a behavioral health professional, so i dont know for sure, but im about 95 percent certain she has it.

shes been hot and cold. weve had sex twice since we broke up (very intense, yet unemotional) she avoided kissing me for long periods of time. I told her i wanted to make out for a bit, and she said, "No! I want to do more!" She said it like she was mad? Even though she said it in a nasty way, how can a guy turn down a bj from his ex that hes been missing like crazy? After we had sex, we both cried. I started crying, and it made her cry a bit. she said please dont cry, and it made her cry. I know this goes against BPD charateristics, but immediately afterwards she was distant, detached. its like all of her love for me was sucked out by her disease and accumulated resentment for my small character defects.

im bipolar, but im fairly stable. been on meds for awhile, good nutrition, excercise, and CBT when needed. she told me things like, i'm not the crazy one. Your the one that takes the crazy pills. I told her its crazier to not know your crazy than to know your crazy and do something about it. She said she wants me in her life, but that she nees to focus on her, her school, and her graduation. shes graduating high school in 3 weeks. She also broke up with me 2 days before my lisc. was suspended. i have a feeling that she felt like I was getting over her due to her drama and she just couldn't take that. After our last fight as a couple, she said if you want me in your life, you need to tell me now! I said, No! Don't Go! in a sarcastic monotone way. I was mad at her, but i regreted saying that.

She claimed to leave bc i was verbally abusive, and she didnt deserve it. she said i was the sick one, and i believed her until i talked to that lady and did some research... .  I didnt want to abandon her, but she gave me no other choice. she literally tortured me , and got off on it. she insisted on me being teased for 10 minutes before she would let me ~ her. What a power trip, huh? she even deleted all the naked pics of her on my phone that she sent me (w/o me knowing) so that I can's enjoy them pic without her approval. I know she is toxic, but she was my first love... .  i wanted to marry her and have her children... .  today i sent her all of the b day cards, valentine, anniversary bull~ that she gave me from the last year. I wrote a note with that I'm fed up of her lies and that im not going to wait for her to plant her flowers in my garden, i need to find my own flowers.

She said she was confused, and needed time to think it thru... .  she even started stating what i needed to do if we wanted to get back together. she even suggested a time frame when it might happen... .  I asked if i was invited to her graduation party? at first she said, why wouldnt you be? the next day when i asked for the date, she said she wasnt sure... .  and then she asked, "won't you feel akward?" I said, only if you make it akward? that was so hurtful, bc i pushed her to excel academically and to go to college. i helped with her school work, paid for tutors, and paid for sat prep books.( i even took her to california to look at colleges, which her parents havent even done) that was so hurtful that she wouldnt want someone who supported her the most thru her last year of high school. Why would she do that? How could she want to ~ me one moment, and the next be stating on facebook," never looking back." "Letting go, doesnt mean you dont love that person anymore." I was like WAIT a minute, that exactly what it ~ing means!

she insisted our relationship was over, even though weve still been ~ing, and even went on a date last friday... .  she gave me the cold shoulder intially friday, and then I got mad, and said, You're just using me for free tickets? you're not even spending intermission with me? she said she just wanted to smoke during intercession. Finally, with the last intecessin of the hockey game, she came back to me, and started rubbing my back. she knew that made me weak... .  i immediately said i loved her when she rubbed my back. i rubbed her back a bit. we held hands on the way home. we had sex. and then she wanted to leave immediately. After she left physically, she acted like we were strangers, or enemies. but she insisted that she was "trying" to be my friend. she then said, if i did sleep with someone else right now, i wouldnt tell you... .  i didnt react instantly, blew it off. but then that idea swirled in my head... .  Did she already ~ someone else? i blew up at her, and got the last of my clothes from her apt. told her i wasnt going to take that ~ from her. that if she really wanted me in her life, she would be nice and amicable during the breakup. shes a hippocriate. says onething, does another. A.) be there for her when she reaches out B.) Run, dont walk! never ever talk to her again.   C.) be distant and close at the same time? Does she sound like a BPD-ex? before i figured out the BPD thing, my pscyhologist said that even though she says your "not together", you are together... .  but i dk if that true due to her condition.

[WillSurvive420]

After lots and lots of soul searching... .  ive been lead to this forum. I know almost everything happens for a reason, but not everything, i.e., inexplicable tragedies. Yesterday, I was crying outside a restaraunt during a family birthday party when an older women walked out and asked if i was ok? i said, oh just girl problems... .  she felt sorry for me. I told her my gf and i broke up two weeks ago. at first it was mutual, but then it shifted towards her not wanting her, and me wanting it. now its mutual yet again after I finally found some self respect for myself. My gf was 18, im 25. I told her that, and she told me that when young girls look for older men, its most likely due to a pscyhological trauma that has to do with her father.

My gf told me her father was abusive, and negligent. She admitted to me that her father had hit her mom, and her sister. (prob her too, but she wouldnt admit it in a million years) she always says how much she loves her dad, but i know a side of her has to resent him. So i googled, "abusive fathers + daughers + relationships" Eventually, i found an answer! She must have BPD! possibly even schizoid. Im not a behavioral health professional, so i dont know for sure, but im about 95 percent certain she has it.

shes been hot and cold. weve had sex twice since we broke up (very intense, yet unemotional) she avoided kissing me for long periods of time. I told her i wanted to make out for a bit, and she said, "No! I want to do more!" She said it like she was mad? Even though she said it in a nasty way, how can a guy turn down a bj from his ex that hes been missing like crazy? After we had sex, we both cried. I started crying, and it made her cry a bit. she said please dont cry, and it made her cry. I know this goes against BPD charateristics, but immediately afterwards she was distant, detached. its like all of her love for me was sucked out by her disease and accumulated resentment for my small character defects.

im bipolar, but im fairly stable. been on meds for awhile, good nutrition, excercise, and CBT when needed. she told me things like, i'm not the crazy one. Your the one that takes the crazy pills. I told her its crazier to not know your crazy than to know your crazy and do something about it. She said she wants me in her life, but that she nees to focus on her, her school, and her graduation. shes graduating high school in 3 weeks. She also broke up with me 2 days before my lisc. was suspended. i have a feeling that she felt like I was getting over her due to her drama and she just couldn't take that. After our last fight as a couple, she said if you want me in your life, you need to tell me now! I said, No! Don't Go! in a sarcastic monotone way. I was mad at her, but i regreted saying that.

She claimed to leave bc i was verbally abusive, and she didnt deserve it. she said i was the sick one, and i believed her until i talked to that lady and did some research... .  I didnt want to abandon her, but she gave me no other choice. she literally tortured me , and got off on it. she insisted on me being teased for 10 minutes before she would let me ~ her. What a power trip, huh? she even deleted all the naked pics of her on my phone that she sent me (w/o me knowing) so that I can's enjoy them pic without her approval. I know she is toxic, but she was my first love... .  i wanted to marry her and have her children... .  today i sent her all of the b day cards, valentine, anniversary bull~ that she gave me from the last year. I wrote a note with that I'm fed up of her lies and that im not going to wait for her to plant her flowers in my garden, i need to find my own flowers.

She said she was confused, and needed time to think it thru... .  she even started stating what i needed to do if we wanted to get back together. she even suggested a time frame when it might happen... .  I asked if i was invited to her graduation party? at first she said, why wouldnt you be? the next day when i asked for the date, she said she wasnt sure... .  and then she asked, "won't you feel akward?" I said, only if you make it akward? that was so hurtful, bc i pushed her to excel academically and to go to college. i helped with her school work, paid for tutors, and paid for sat prep books.( i even took her to california to look at colleges, which her parents havent even done) that was so hurtful that she wouldnt want someone who supported her the most thru her last year of high school. Why would she do that? How could she want to ~ me one moment, and the next be stating on facebook," never looking back." "Letting go, doesnt mean you dont love that person anymore." I was like WAIT a minute, that exactly what it ~ing means!

she insisted our relationship was over, even though weve still been ~ing, and even went on a date last friday... .  she gave me the cold shoulder intially friday, and then I got mad, and said, You're just using me for free tickets? you're not even spending intermission with me? she said she just wanted to smoke during intercession. Finally, with the last intecessin of the hockey game, she came back to me, and started rubbing my back. she knew that made me weak... .  i immediately said i loved her when she rubbed my back. i rubbed her back a bit. we held hands on the way home. we had sex. and then she wanted to leave immediately. After she left physically, she acted like we were strangers, or enemies. but she insisted that she was "trying" to be my friend. she then said, if i did sleep with someone else right now, i wouldnt tell you... .  i didnt react instantly, blew it off. but then that idea swirled in my head... .  Did she already ~ someone else? i blew up at her, and got the last of my clothes from her apt. told her i wasnt going to take that ~ from her. that if she really wanted me in her life, she would be nice and amicable during the breakup. shes a hippocriate. says onething, does another. A.) be there for her when she reaches out B.) Run, dont walk! never ever talk to her again.   C.) be distant and close at the same time? Does she sound like a BPD-ex? before i figured out the BPD thing, my pscyhologist said that even though she says your "not together", you are together... .  but i dk if that true due to her condition.

[Newton]

WillSurvive420 ... .  I am very glad you found this community... .  your description of your SO's nonsensical behaviour makes absolute sense to me and it will to many other members... .  

There is an article on this forum that describes the progression of a relationship with someone with BPD... .  I am sure an ambassador can provide you a link to it... .  It sounds like thats what you have experienced... .  started as a hero... .  ended up as the villain!... .  

I wanted to congratulate you on this sentence you wrote... .  "I told her its crazier to not know your crazy than to know your crazy and do something about it."... .  

You are striving to address your issues... .  that is fantastic... .  she isn't... .  denial is an essential coping tool for pwBPD.

Your psychologist made a great point... .  although you are not together... .  you are still in a relationship with her... .  people with BPD struggle to let go when they are enmeshed with someone (as do we)... .  how you decide to deal with that is your choice... .  

How would you respond if she wanted to try again?... .  

[WillSurvive420]

I got the idea from someone on the forum. Give her a list of demands... .  (she will not be able to met these demands)

1.) she agrees to move with me in 2014. ( she gave this as a "reason" why she left... .  she wasnt ready to move to California with me... .  )Even though she had been so SURE for so Long about it... .  We were both working towards THAT GOAL... .  now thats over... .  it hurts so much. she gave me reason to live... .  she taught me i could be loved and i could love... .  id never been in love before... .  Im afraid this experience will forever distort my reality of what love is... .  your perception is 99% of your reality. .

2.) She recognizes her illness.

3.)stays in therapy (preferably with a speciliast) she sees a counselor sporadically who is not equipped to handle her and her therapist doesnt have a clue bc she is so good at hiding stuff from people intially

4.)She admires and appreciates me and lets me know that. Men need to be appreciated and admired.

5.)Doesn't want to change me. (accused me of being a sex addict, cheating, didnt approve of my lifestyle as a medical marijuana patient. (even though shes ok with alcohol and tobacco) but thats bc her parents conditioned her to think those things are ok. Her parents did even care that she started smoking when she was 15 years old. I think back and wonder what the hell was wrong with her parents? I'm convinced her dad had BPD now, bc she told me he had ":)epression" and took "antidepressants", but I knew it went much deeper than that... .  But I had no idea how DARK and DEEP that relationship with her father went... .  I recently looked at an old facebook quiz she filled out... .  It asked if she had a good relationship with her parents? She replied, " With My Mommy " What a BPD thing to say! Daddy issues along with a 5 year old mentality, dont know many adults that adress their mother as "mommy". She always adressed her as that too. I didn't think too much into it until now. It also asked her what she was doing that night? She replied, "looking forward to watching UFC with my boyfriend" she use to love what i love intially... .  including UFC... .  But as the relationship evolved from idealization-->clingyness_> to finally complete DISRESPECT and DEVALUATION she started to get BORED and irritated with "watching what I WANTED to watch all the time."

6.) takes responsiblity for her actions

7.) quits smoking tobacco

8.) stays clear of alcohol (her parents are both drunks) I fear shell go down this road as she gets older... .  Shes had issues with opiates, so I know it wouldnt be too hard for her to go down that road?



The chances of that happening? less than 0. Now, if Ill actually stick to this list is a whole nother matter. But thats the plan. Need to take it one day at time. Been 4 days no contact. literally feel dope sick without her... .  vomiting, weight loss, insomnia, anxiety, depression, aches, headaches,etc. OXYTOCIN Withdrawl maybe?

[Newton]

This list of demands/ultimatums simply isn't going to work... .  

I understand that you care about her very much... .  whats important to focus on is why you are attempting to shape someone else to become what you want them to be... .  

It sounds like her behaviour is in conflict with your values and boundaries... .  wouldn't it be easier to find someone who was a better match to what you want and deserve from a partner?... .  

[WillSurvive420]

Yes... .  of course. But im a social introvert... .  never had a real girlfriend before this... .  she approached me, and seduced me... .  thats what made me fall in love with her... .  bc she was infatuated with me... .  and i didnt know that I could be infatuated. That feeling is more addictive than heroin. "I'm chasing the dragon." Looking for her to idealize me once again... .  She told me I deserved someone who didnt push my buttons. Someone who was more accepting of the pot smoking. That was the part of her that felt shame for her behavior i think... .  So i know she really does love me bc deep down inside she wants whats best for me... .  even though she has a VERY DIFFICULT TIME communicating that. i cant help but obesess but wonder what her next move is? im a narcissit and im in denial that shell move on to another man... .  she never had a real orgasm before me. (im 99% certain that wasnt a delusional lie bc she had been with"Boys" before she met me.) In a sick way, i hope thats what brings her back... .  bc im so damn addicted to her sex... .  and I have a feeling shes still addicted to my sex(maybe thats a delusion) as a 25 year old man... .  I know i wont be emotionally available, or even wanted for quite sometime since my self esteem is almost non existent. How do I get any sexual release? I feel impotent without her... .  not able to maintain erections. know its ALL PSYCHOLOGICAL. never been like this ever... .  except when my sister died when i was younger. but that was different. i was in catatonic shock... .  im just in plain shock right now that my gf had BPD and i didnt realize it until it was too late

[Newton]

It's good to hear you appreciate the addiction their behaviour can create in us... .  addressing how and why that happened will give you long term relief but I appreciate it won't address the pain and loss you are feeling right now... .  

It's important you look at the lessons and workshops here on "mirroring"... .  

PwBPD often tell us what we want to hear to form an enmeshed bond... .  their lack of stable "self" manifests itself by searching out a host... .  I know it's not pleasant to hear but it's a fact.

Infatuation is very different from love and friendship... .  your current grief is a process of weaning yourself off of the drug she was feeding you... .  

You DO deserve someone who doesn't "push your buttons"... .  in her current state... .  that person isn't her... .  she just led you to believe it was.  Most of us here were sold the same illusion... .