WillSurvive420
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 63
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« on: May 02, 2013, 03:54:24 AM » |
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After lots and lots of soul searching... . ive been lead to this forum. I know almost everything happens for a reason, but not everything, i.e., inexplicable tragedies. Yesterday, I was crying outside a restaraunt during a family birthday party when an older women walked out and asked if i was ok? i said, oh just girl problems... . she felt sorry for me. I told her my gf and i broke up two weeks ago. at first it was mutual, but then it shifted towards her not wanting her, and me wanting it. now its mutual yet again after I finally found some self respect for myself. My gf was 18, im 25. I told her that, and she told me that when young girls look for older men, its most likely due to a pscyhological trauma that has to do with her father.
My gf told me her father was abusive, and negligent. She admitted to me that her father had hit her mom, and her sister. (prob her too, but she wouldnt admit it in a million years) she always says how much she loves her dad, but i know a side of her has to resent him. So i googled, "abusive fathers + daughers + relationships" Eventually, i found an answer! She must have BPD! possibly even schizoid. Im not a behavioral health professional, so i dont know for sure, but im about 95 percent certain she has it.
shes been hot and cold. weve had sex twice since we broke up (very intense, yet unemotional) she avoided kissing me for long periods of time. I told her i wanted to make out for a bit, and she said, "No! I want to do more!" She said it like she was mad? Even though she said it in a nasty way, how can a guy turn down a bj from his ex that hes been missing like crazy? After we had sex, we both cried. I started crying, and it made her cry a bit. she said please dont cry, and it made her cry. I know this goes against BPD charateristics, but immediately afterwards she was distant, detached. its like all of her love for me was sucked out by her disease and accumulated resentment for my small character defects.
im bipolar, but im fairly stable. been on meds for awhile, good nutrition, excercise, and CBT when needed. she told me things like, i'm not the crazy one. Your the one that takes the crazy pills. I told her its crazier to not know your crazy than to know your crazy and do something about it. She said she wants me in her life, but that she nees to focus on her, her school, and her graduation. shes graduating high school in 3 weeks. She also broke up with me 2 days before my lisc. was suspended. i have a feeling that she felt like I was getting over her due to her drama and she just couldn't take that. After our last fight as a couple, she said if you want me in your life, you need to tell me now! I said, No! Don't Go! in a sarcastic monotone way. I was mad at her, but i regreted saying that.
She claimed to leave bc i was verbally abusive, and she didnt deserve it. she said i was the sick one, and i believed her until i talked to that lady and did some research... . I didnt want to abandon her, but she gave me no other choice. she literally tortured me , and got off on it. she insisted on me being teased for 10 minutes before she would let me ~ her. What a power trip, huh? she even deleted all the naked pics of her on my phone that she sent me (w/o me knowing) so that I can's enjoy them pic without her approval. I know she is toxic, but she was my first love... . i wanted to marry her and have her children... . today i sent her all of the b day cards, valentine, anniversary bull~ that she gave me from the last year. I wrote a note with that I'm fed up of her lies and that im not going to wait for her to plant her flowers in my garden, i need to find my own flowers.
She said she was confused, and needed time to think it thru... . she even started stating what i needed to do if we wanted to get back together. she even suggested a time frame when it might happen... . I asked if i was invited to her graduation party? at first she said, why wouldnt you be? the next day when i asked for the date, she said she wasnt sure... . and then she asked, "won't you feel akward?" I said, only if you make it akward? that was so hurtful, bc i pushed her to excel academically and to go to college. i helped with her school work, paid for tutors, and paid for sat prep books.( i even took her to california to look at colleges, which her parents havent even done) that was so hurtful that she wouldnt want someone who supported her the most thru her last year of high school. Why would she do that? How could she want to ~ me one moment, and the next be stating on facebook," never looking back." "Letting go, doesnt mean you dont love that person anymore." I was like WAIT a minute, that exactly what it ~ing means!
she insisted our relationship was over, even though weve still been ~ing, and even went on a date last friday... . she gave me the cold shoulder intially friday, and then I got mad, and said, You're just using me for free tickets? you're not even spending intermission with me? she said she just wanted to smoke during intercession. Finally, with the last intecessin of the hockey game, she came back to me, and started rubbing my back. she knew that made me weak... . i immediately said i loved her when she rubbed my back. i rubbed her back a bit. we held hands on the way home. we had sex. and then she wanted to leave immediately. After she left physically, she acted like we were strangers, or enemies. but she insisted that she was "trying" to be my friend. she then said, if i did sleep with someone else right now, i wouldnt tell you... . i didnt react instantly, blew it off. but then that idea swirled in my head... . Did she already ~ someone else? i blew up at her, and got the last of my clothes from her apt. told her i wasnt going to take that ~ from her. that if she really wanted me in her life, she would be nice and amicable during the breakup. shes a hippocriate. says onething, does another. A.) be there for her when she reaches out B.) Run, dont walk! never ever talk to her again. C.) be distant and close at the same time? Does she sound like a BPD-ex? before i figured out the BPD thing, my pscyhologist said that even though she says your "not together", you are together... . but i dk if that true due to her condition.
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