It's been almost 3 months... The pain is now more intense

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I left a BP almost 3 months ago. She barraged me with emails and texts and voicemails. Even though I never responded to any of her attempts, as I charted my emotions, I saw a pattern emerge, every time she made contact I got a hit or a high, and it helped me to keep going. But if a couple days went by without her trying to contact me I noticed I would fall into a deep hole. But as soon as she would make any attempt to contact me I immediately was boosted. This will be the sixth day with absolutely no attempts of contact from her, and I am going absolutely crazy. After almost 3 months I feel like I am at square one! And now my mind is running wild that she has found someone else, which I am assuming is the reason for her no contact. In my mind I was thinking as long as she was still making attempts to contact me she probably was not seeing anyone else. So this is now shifted into a whole new phase and I feel like I'm crumbling... .  again, I thought I was doing so well but it seems like it's just starting.

[Rameses]

I left a BP almost 3 months ago. She barraged me with emails and texts and voicemails. Even though I never responded to any of her attempts, as I charted my emotions, I saw a pattern emerge, every time she made contact I got a hit or a high, and it helped me to keep going. But if a couple days went by without her trying to contact me I noticed I would fall into a deep hole. But as soon as she would make any attempt to contact me I immediately was boosted. This will be the sixth day with absolutely no attempts of contact from her, and I am going absolutely crazy. After almost 3 months I feel like I am at square one! And now my mind is running wild that she has found someone else, which I am assuming is the reason for her no contact. In my mind I was thinking as long as she was still making attempts to contact me she probably was not seeing anyone else. So this is now shifted into a whole new phase and I feel like I'm crumbling... .  again, I thought I was doing so well but it seems like it's just starting.

[LosingIt2]

What else would you expect her to do if you're completely ignoring her?

[Rameses]

I'm not talking about what she does or doesn't do. I'm simply sharing MY Feelings, rational or not. That's what I thought this board was about!

[LosingIt2]

Pointing out the rational might help you process your emotions. That's what helps me get through my darkest moments. I can relate to how you're feeling. It sounds like you're ignoring her to simply gain an upper hand. It's a device to regain control. In the end, that's probably not helping your mental/emotional well being, or hers.

[egribkb]

That hole is where you need to be until you can get out of it without her artificially boosting you out of it. I don't mean that in a punishment way and I'm definitely not encouraging you to go alone when it gets dark (therapy is awesome!). I'm just saying that it takes time for you to process and there will be some self reflection involved. When you don't feel the need for her is when she will contact you again. When you don't get that high you know you passed through the hole to the other side. Did you journal your time together at all? If so then reading some of those painful moments will help with current clarity.

[Rameses]

Losingit2... .  here is a quote from s who knows a lot about BPs, "If you manage to get away the borderline will barrage you for months, with incessant text messages, emails and phone calls. It's highly advisable that you ignore all attempts at contact, as this will keep you hooked in depression, torment and deep despair. The craziness you been feeling will intensify, whenever you listen to or read these efforts to manipulate you, so delete delete delete! As long as you hit the ball across the net, and let her engage you in any way, you are keeping your pain very present and alive"

Rameses

[LosingIt2]

Right, but aren't you saying not hearing from her is making you feel more desperation and depressed? I think you've most likely reached the point where NC is the only option. I don't know. Are you feeling some sense of guilt for not responding? I know your feelings aren't coming from a rational place.

Have you considered blocking her from all forms of contact in order to eliminate these ups and downs and your own feelings of doubt and insecurity?

[healingmyheart]

Rameses,

i feel the same way when I get texts from my ex.  I am doing NC as well so I never respond but I also feel better somehow after getting the text.  At first they were long detailed texts trying to get me back.  Now I'm getting one a day saying "I love you".  I know he is just trying to keep me attached while he figures out what he's going to do and who he will ultimately attach to.  

I think the high we are experiencing very much goes along with the addictive nature of the BPD relationship.  We are getting our "fix" so to speak... .  I know i no longer can accept him in my life but I still thrive off of his contact.  It's craziness, isn't it?  

I know ultimately he will grow weary and stop texting and I will go through more drastic withdrawals.  I'm just trying to work on myself in the meantime so that when it happens, I don't have a total meltdown.

Hang in there Rameses... .  

[Rameses]

From everything I've read NO CONTACT is the only way to break the cycle of addiction we have to this person. We must go through the withdrawal process in order to ultimately get freedom. It's absolutely no different than any drug addict.

For the addict one more drink, one more hit, one more pill, one more affair, starts the addiction spiral  downward all over again.

And for us, one more text, one more voice mail, one more phone call, does the same thing.

[Mightyhammers]

I don’t think I would have been strong enough to ignore all those messages and I can completely understand your brain going into overdrive when they stop. I accepted the fact that she has probably found someone else quite a while ago, which is why she said she doesn’t want to see or hear from me again……

[Billa]

i wish I could receive just one text... .  

[eniale]

I can understand how you feel.  At first, I, too, got lots of e-mails and even banging on my door.  Finally called him, and what he said was so painful I sent him e-mail "GOODBYE!"  Even then, my therapist thought he could again try to make contact, but has not and it has been 3 months, just like you.  I would be lying if I said that every time the phone rang, I hoped it was him, even though I was the one who really ended it.  The hoping he would contact me again has kept up for the 3 months, but I can tell you now I think it gradually is losing its intensity because as I pick up the phone I KNOW it will not be him.  I don't think he can stand the rejection and I already know he has someone else, that is the reason for the break-up in the first place, even though he wanted to hang on to me as his "best friend"!  A couple of things helped me, one I read in a book "It wasn't that he didn't want you; it's that he could not handle what you wanted."  Also, somewhere on this site there is a link to something like "Words You Cling To" and people posted all the wonderful things their BPD ex had said to them in BEGINNING of relationship.  I know I, too, had a lot of problem with the memories, but seeing how so many others had been conned also really helped me.  You are not alone.  A BPD person can be very loving and charming.  As I see it, they can fall IN and OUT of love, they just cannot BE or STAY in love.  Good luck; I know it sounds trite, but it will get better with time.  It will be gradual, so you won't notice it too much, but it WILL get better.

[Sleep doc]

Rameses,

 I keep saying this to people but its hard to appreciate until you are in it.  Your EGO is enmeshed in this person.  This isn't love or longing you are feeling (but you already know that).  It's the only thing left for me to break but it is by far the hardest.  My ego has served as the best protective mechanism I've had for self esteem for so long I can't imagine living without it.  But my long term happiness cannot co-exist with my ego.  This is the gift of the borderline.  

It's been a month and I am grateful to her for FINALLY respecting NC.  I know it's because she is recycling some other guy but I like to at least believe part of her sees there is no value to even a friendship.  I think the fact that she keeps contacting you is a real violation of boundaries.

Sorry you feel like you are starting again from scratch but that should tell you that the problem is as much you as them.

[Rameses]

Just a little more detail of my situation.

We were engaged and I broke it off, the only reason I gave her an engagement ring was because I had broken off the relationship 3 times before. She said the only way she would take me back was if I gave her a ring.

And even though I knew she was unhealthy for me and that men streak continued to rear it's ugly head more frequently, I actually convinced myself that marrying her would be less painful than being without her and going through the withdrawals.

I gave her a one carat diamond ring, later that night she said she was expecting something bigger. So, of course, me wanting to please her went out and got a 1.6 perfect cut diamond.

That's when she started ratcheting up the control, so I broke it off.

Some of the events that followed:

She hacked into my email account.

She hacked into my match.com account and changed my profile. I later found out that she had been monitoring everyone I was communicating with since I joined.

One night just a couple of weeks ago (we had been broken up 2 months by this time), from 6 pm until 11 pm she called me 57 times, sent 29 text messages and left 2 voicemails, I didn't look or listen to any of them.

When she realized I wasn't going to answer, she found a way to call my phone but have my son' s phone number show up on my caller ID.

So I blocked her from my phone and all my email accounts, that was hard to do because I knew I was willingly cutting off my fix.

She did call me from other numbers that were not blocked.

So I know if she really wanted to get through to me, she can just call from another number. And she did that a couple of times after all the blocks, just to let me know that she could.

So her's my question

It's been 6 days today that I have not heard from her. Now, I'm the one who broke it off, I'm the one who blocked her, so why in the heck am I still obsessing about her, and feel hurt and lonely, and think about having her back in my life?

[Mightyhammers]

It's been 6 days today that I have not heard from her. Now, I'm the one who broke it off, I'm the one who blocked her, so why in the heck am I still obsessing about her, and feel hurt and lonely, and think about having her back in my life?

I think maybe because you haven't got your mindset into something else? it was drama but it was drama that you miss nonetheless, I know I do!

[Rameses]

The real sad truth is, I really don't miss her as a person, I really miss her amazing looks, my physical attraction to her was off the charts. And it feels like I will never find anyone that attractive again... .  I know, can't get much more shallow than that.

[theboro504]

I believe addiction is the right word to use Rameses and it's good you see that. When the days mount up between "highs", withdrawal pains, literal withdrawal pains hit.

Stay sober bro... . they will pass.

[Sleep doc]

Rock,

  It's not that she is the hottest girl you've ever been with.  It's that she is this insanely hot girl who literally would do ANYTHING to have you.  I mean - think about the effort you have to go through to actually call from all those numbers.  Doesn't that, somewhere inside you, make you feel TEN FEET TALL?  LIKE THE BADDEST MAN IN THE JUNGLE?  I mean she is SMOKING HOT and she is literally BEGGING and DEGRADING herself to just let you know that you are like a worm eating a hole in her brain.

  My friend... .  it isn't about the looks.  Trust me... .  and you know this to be true... .  if you were with her for ten years you would want to end your life.  You are madly, madly, madly in love with how she makes YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF!  This is your ego talking and now it's your pride that is hurt.  As Marcellus Wallace in pulp fiction says, "you know that pain in your head... .  that's pride.  Well F*CK PRIDE". 

   This is about your ego... .  trust me... .  break it before it breaks you.  It is PATHOLOGICAL to find the desperation of this person that is insane... .  truly and literally insane... .  attractive.  Find out why looks are so important to you that you would willingly trade the power of you and your sanity for it.  Then you will find peace.

   

[Vegasskydiver]

The real sad truth is, I really don't miss her as a person, I really miss her amazing looks, my physical attraction to her was off the charts. And it feels like I will never find anyone that attractive again... .  I know, can't get much more shallow than that.

Rameses you and I are in the same frame of mind and it makes me feel horrible.  I don't miss my exBPDbf at all as a person.  He hacked into computer to the point that he could even see everything on my hard drive.  Same with my iphone, he could see everything.  I felt so violated.  He is completely out of his tree, but he is so amazingly handsome, my dream man physically, the sex was amazing and we did things together that I have never experienced before.  I doubt I will meet anyone to match his excitement level. BUT... .  he also made me feel horrible with the constant accusations.  Telling me that he just knew that I would leave him for another man... .  I never would have!  I just couldn't handle the constant third degree when our relaionship was going perfect he had to create drama.  I never experienced that either.  It was exhausting to say the least~!

[Rameses]

Man oh man I am very new to this site, but the feedback from my thread has been incredible!

I cannot believe there are So many other people out there who ""get it". If a friend didn't mention to me about this BP, I would have been married to a person that would have probably drove me insane... .  well, I was well on my way anyways, she would just finished me off

   This is about your ego... .  trust me... .  break it before it breaks you.  It is PATHOLOGICAL to find the desperation of this person that is insane... .  truly and literally insane... .  attractive.  Find out why looks are so important to you that you would willingly trade the power of you and your sanity for it.  Then you will find peace.

   

Sleep doc... .  WOW! Your WHOLE post was most profound. I am going to print it out and carry it with me, you hit it right on the head my friend.

My obsession with a woman's physical beauty has been there as long as I can remember. It completely clouds my ability to see that woman for who she really is. I hate that That I think like this, and you are absolutely right, until I figure that out I will not have peace.

Thank you to everyone who commented on this board, I never thought something like this would be helpful, but it surely has been for me.

[Billa]

I' striving not to contact him, really... .  I know this would give him another way to hurt me, so I resist, but it is very hard.

[MontyD]

Rameses,

The way I see it you are only half n/c. She sends, you read, and refuse to reply.

The ball that came over the net gave you one big wack !  Don't read texts or listen to voice mail.

Turn the phone OFF. Better still, take it to the lake and give it some swimming lessons !

Hard to block texts, if you have a Smart Phone it can be done with special software. Download the App.

Keep away from Face Book etc.

Now you have true N/C. It is tough but if you want this over, do it. It works.

Monty

[Rameses]

Monty, Believe it or not but of the hundreds and hundreds of texts and phone calls I've only read one or two, and that has been right from the beginning. Thankfully I got some wise counsel about BPs before I ended it.

I finally called my phone carrier AT&T and I have all her phone calls and text messages completely blocked, very easy to do logistically, painfully excruciating implementing it.

N/C Has only been seven days now, And I still think about her hundreds of times a day, but the intensity of those thoughts seem to have less impact as time goes by

IN MY NOT SO HUMBLE OPINION, NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO FOR QUICK AND TOTAL HEALING.

BUT IT IS ALSO THE HARDEST.

I believe it's our choice, slow and long-lasting agony, or quick excruciating pain but over quicker.

Rameses

[flynavy]

Please hang in there... .  here is an excerpt from my short story I wrote with my ex fiance/BPD/NPD... .  you ARE/so was I actually addicted:


WHO SHE REALLY IS and the types of behavior she exhibited and perhaps why she is what she is:

•   May have had inappropriate contact at young age with male family member….she actually divulged this to me early on but wouldn’t say who because she said….”she did not want me to hate this person”.  This too may have been one of her lies to get me “the knight in shining armor” to come to her rescue and feel so sorry for the victim.

•   In a sexual relationship with an 18 year old boy/man when she was 13 and stayed with him all through high school…making him 22 when she graduated

•   Married early to an abusive alcoholic for a short time

•   Married again because she was pregnant.  Stayed with him 10 years because he had $.  As soon as his business fell apart she divorced him, 4 kids unfortunately for them, later

•   Began quite a promiscuous lifestyle after her divorce and then met a guy in her development and actually got engaged to him and then called it off for what reason no one really knows

•   Moved by her sister and started dating her now boyfriend (8 years now)

•   Would still see her first ex husband…even go on vacation with him.

•   Tried on line dating and getting fixed up by friends and seeing guys who are reps from work on occasion while she is in a so called committed relationship with her current boyfriend.

•   All the time keeping her personal life very private from her family and probably only one real friend…who let’s just say has the same moral fabric

•   She has fling with guy she met in Home Depot because he is a “snappy dresser”…her words.  Cops/bounty hunters come to her house because he is wanted for identity fraud and goes to jail.  She may still see him/talk on occasion.  He was a married man.

•   Went out with a much older man who lost his wife …almost got married till the children intervened and stopped it.  I hear he was probably 15 years older maybe more.  He had a lot of money….see a pattern.  Her current 8 year boyfriend has a lot of money.

•   She meets me while committed to her current boyfriend

•   Accepts my marriage proposal

•   Accepts her current boyfriends proposal for marriage 2 weeks after accepting mine and dumps me…it was done very “coldly”

•   Starts seeing me for sex 2 months later while engaged – unbeknownst to me!

•   We start seeing each other regularly (4-5 times a week…mainly sexual) while she is engaged

•   I ask her to marry me again after seeing her for 8 months again…she says yes…again.  Still not sure if she is still engaged to the other guy

•   We come home one day and find a big penis drawn on her car and stuff thrown off of the deck and broken…could it be her disgruntled boyfriend who sees me there at her house everyday.

•   I start full investigation because something comes over me (compelled to do so)

•   When I find out the whole story, I call off wedding 1 month before

•   She is outraged, will not leave, becomes physically and verbally abusive

•   Finally leaves the next day

•   She is back with her current boyfriend but still rendezvous with me for sex on a routine basis

•   Her boyfriend find out one night and shows up at my house…I have to call the police because they would not leave my front yard

•   She still sees me for sex in hotels etc. while she got back with her current boyfriend again…God knows what she told him to make that happen?

•   She continues to text/call (and me too so I am no angel I guess)until I finally say enough is enough on April 24, 2013….Know why…she is in Florida text flirting with me…I meet her at airport to surprise her when she gets in ….guess who also is there.  I do not confront…but it is affirmation just how sick she really is…they were holding hands/smiling/ like an engaged couple should I guess!

•   Just sold her house…I painted it and spent a lot of $s on rugs, the listing on line, her first husband did landscaping for her at this house and her current boyfriend put in driveway and double decker deck…as far as I know any way.


“So what would make a seemingly intelligent, successful, loving, caring man, who just went through a terrible ordeal loosing his wife to cancer get and stay involved within this circle of Insanity”?

Did I say that the SEX was over the top!  Guess what guys….if it seems too good to be true….IT IS!  It was only about INTENSITY for her…not INTIMACY like it was for me.

I’ve asked myself that question now and after a lot of research I have figured out that I was extremely vulnerable and was essentially taken by a con artist who betrayed my trust, my love and took me for around $20K in gifts, paying bills, gifts for her kids, car repairs, home repairs etc.

[flynavy]

... .  forgot... .  I agree... .  It is painful... .  I was in love with someone that was not real... .  finding out the truth does not make the pain any less than loosing my wife of 34 years to Ovarian Cancer... .  still have to go through the grieving cycle.  Not sure what is worse... .  losing the Love of my Life to Cancer or loosing what I thought was my second chance at l

Love to a sick yet still deceitful, manipulative con-artist.  You have to find a way to detach yourself from the torment she has infused into your psyche... .  Thank God for places like this... .  

[laelle]

Have you had the opportunity to read Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

I know for me it really helped me to see how my ex viewed me vs how I saw him.  If your ex is BPD she is not feeling as you are.

She is an emotional 3 year old.  She cant help the way she is.  She acts as she does for survival.  Its her survival skills that are killing you.

Without some serious therapy someone with BPD wont change.  From my experience, they spend most of their time dumping all the bad stuff on us, so they dont

feel they have a serious problem.  Its you... .  Its all your fault.

Hang in there, It does get better.  I personally have spent quite a bit of time thinking about why a relationship where I gave all and got little was enough for me.

I must have felt like I was not worthy for some reason to have a healthy relationship.  I am worthy, and so are you.

 Laelle