H coming home

[Mara2]

After a two month seperation H will be coming home tomorrow.  I am going to make sure he understands that this is his last chance.  If he blows it this time I will get a restraining order and leave or ask him to leave.  I will not put myself or the kids through more of the same.

That being said, he is in therapy twice a week and on a new anti-depressant that seems to be working really well.  His whole countenance has changed, even from what it was when he was doing well before.  His new counselor has been able to reach him where no one else has- thank goodness!  He is learning to re-think how he thinks about events and ask questions instead of make assumptions.  He is still working on taking responsibility for his actions, but is making progress there. 

I have learned about boundries (thank you again, Grey Kitty!) and how to not let him push his way past them.  He told his counselor that he respects my strength and ability to say no to him.  Just hope he feels the same way after he comes home, because I am not budging.

I may not be able to be around the forum as often when he comes home, but I will still check in when I can.

Wish me luuck! 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Althea]

This is wonderful news!  I pray he continues on his path to healing his family.  Enjoy eachother!

[lizzie458]

Great news, let us know how it goes!

[dickL]

good news ! stick w/boundaries. i have uBPDw of 35yrs gone past month , her first boundary to return home is too leave denial and enter treatment . time will tell . i do love her but will not be abused further in our home.

[Grey Kitty]

  I'm wishing you both love and luck!

  I'm really happy to hear that he is making progress--that is fantastic news for both of you!

I'm also delighted to hear that you understand boundaries!

And as for last chances... .  make sure you know what is a deal-breaker, and what is a problem that can be dealt with. Any road to recovery has ups and downs... .  just make sure that you protect yourself and your children from the downs that aren't acceptable.

And I'm going to suggest that you try to make time to come in here and update us, and most especially ask for support on anything that seems difficult or o challenging--You will need more support when he comes back, not less!

[Mara2]

Thank you all.  Yes, I am definately going to be popping in when I can.  It is harder because I cannot while he is around, but, like today, he does go into town sometimes and he is looking for a part time job.  So when I can I will be back.

As for last chances- the boundry to cross is much closer than it was before, but there is grace as we all learn together.  After all, I blow it too. 

The weekend went well- H is learning not to cross boundries with even the children.  He actually asked them to tell him when he was doing something they didn't like.  There were uncertain looks, but when the youngest told him she did not like to be tickled, he told her he would not do that anymore and the others were really surprised.  One step forward. 

[Grey Kitty]

Mara2, I'd like to remind you that there are a couple different ways to talk about boundaries.

First there is the concept of healthy (or unhealthy) boundaries. If you have healthy boundaries, you won't try to control other people, or think it is normal if they try to control you. You also will be able to deal with other people's emotions constructively, because you know that you don't have to feel what they are feeling.

People with BPD don't usually have healthy boundaries in this sense of the word.

Second, we talk a lot about boundaries here, and what we often mean is enforcing our own boundaries when someone (usually a pwBPD on these boards) is encroaching on us. They are things that we choose to enforce... .  they are not rules that the pwBPD can break.

A rule could be "don't verbally abuse me". Your pwBPD may lose control and start doing that. You could refer to this as "crossing my boundaries". We don't recommend t his process.

A boundary could be "I will leave the room if you start to verbally abuse me". Your pwBPD is not capable of "crossing this boundary" unless you choose to let him. He cannot verbally abuse you if you have already left.

Boundaries (like this) work very well. Rules, not so much. (Many people here have reported taht their pwBPD responded to consistently enforced boundaries (like my example) by stopping the behavior, although it often took a while)

I bring this up, because your youngest is not in a position to enforce a "no tickling" boundary with his dad.

His saying he wouldn't do that anymore is a great step!

You are an adult, and can enforce boundaries with him, to protect both yourself and your children. It is a great tool!

[lizzie458]

Great reminders about boundaries, GK!  Good for all of us to keep in mind.  It's easy for me to forget that I am the one responsible for maintaining my boundaries.  It doesn't work for me to tell H he "can't" xyz... .  because he very well CAN do whatever it is I would rather he not do.  Me telling him he can't or he shouldn't do something is definitely an attempt at control, whereas getting up and leaving - though more difficult for me after years of doing things the other way, is much healthier and much more effective!

[Grey Kitty]

Whups, did I forget to tell you that it was easier to get up and leave than to tell him he "can't do something"? 

I guess that was because it is NOT easier!

But it is soo worth it! It will make life better for you, your children, and even your H. Stay strong and be as consistent with it as you can.

[Mara2]

Thank you for the clarification.  Still learning all the time. 

[Juliecelle]

Prayers for you, Mara! I've been exactly wher you are. I loved it. It was like a breathe of fresh air.

My BPD husband gained ALOT of insight from reading the workbook, ":)on't Let Emotions Run Your Life" by Scott E. Spradlin. I highly recommend it along with the counseling. We bought it off Amazon. Hope this helps.

I recently enforced more boundaries. He calls them "ultimatums". Call them what you will, but I too, will not budge. Been there, done that. Tried to keep it together because of how we view our family ties. Now it's his turn. Same for your husband.

I'm hopeful and excited for you!