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Author Topic: When you spy & reveal their secrets  (Read 4059 times)
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Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5642

« Reply #20 on: May 03, 2013, 08:13:23 PM »

Yup, echoes of hell in this thread for me too.

The other women were triangulation (read definition); a BPD gets too close to you, they feel engulfed, need to find someone to idealize, a different phase of the pathology.  Plus it gives them a sense of control because they have options, and can keep the needed distance from you.

I think the core of the busted-when-lying rages is a belief by the BPD that if you really knew who they were, honestly and openly, you'd leave, and their biggest fear is that of abandonment, so they need to create a version of themselves they think you'll like, and play that; it started in their mirroring of you in the beginning.  Once they see it isn't working, because you bust them or display mistrust by hiring a PI of whatever, their cover's blown, shame shows up, they can't tolerate it, so they rage.

And like mine, your gut feel was telling you something, which motivated you to hire the PI to begin with, and that something was a lack of trust, like you were being played, which you were.  I just focus on the fact that she was doing it because she has a very low opinion of herself, and can't fathom how anyone could love the real her if the truth be told.  Nothing for us there, let's go find some someone capable of real connection.

And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make
All members still incontact with their partner should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions.
If you are evaluating a decision to stay or leave, please post on Conflicted and Deciding
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Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 623

« Reply #21 on: May 03, 2013, 08:30:40 PM »

A friend of mine told me that my ex had gone on a major promiscuity spree maybe a day after I broke up with him, sleeping with anything and anyone, even with his best friend/coworker's girlfriend (thereby sabotaging an important relationship and work contact).  It took me three months to digest the information and get the courage to tell him about it. When I finally told him that I knew what had happenned he tried to deny it at first, finally conceded and could only say he didn't know why he'd done it.  He clearly felt awful about it...   it made me feel bad for him. I think in the end talking about it just made him feel so bad inside that he left right after I told him I knew.  I haven't hear from him since. 

The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
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Posts: 94

« Reply #22 on: May 03, 2013, 09:00:23 PM »

My BiP/BPDh, even when presented with the evidence, denies, denies, denies any wrongdoing. He never gets angry about me snooping on his pc he just gets pissed that I am accusing him of something denies that he's done anything wrong and then he attempts to become Mr Perfect. I know it's all just an attempt to smooth things over so I don't try to leave or call the police on him (his activities are illegal) but too late, I called the police today. They are reviewing the evidence I gave them and likely will be arresting him in the near future.  All I can say is C'est la vie.
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Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 516

« Reply #23 on: May 03, 2013, 09:25:15 PM »

I think all of this applies to PAPD and NPD too.
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Posts: 158

« Reply #24 on: May 03, 2013, 10:37:39 PM »

The only mildly angry or even harsh feelings my ex pwBPDgf showed towards me in the 10 months I knew her was when I exposed her to her new guy, that she was still my gf for a good month when they were supposedly a couple, and had tried to get me to have sex with her in that time. She didn't like being forced to make a choice. She even basically said that in an email recently, that "when I had to make a choice I choose him." Well no ___? Like you think I was just gonna be cool with it if you chose me? This scenario should have never arose in the first place. But yeah, abandonment fears/low self-esteem issues. They don't like being found out for what they are, especially the higher-functioning ones like her. She won't even admit at this point that her disorder had anything to do with her cheating. Half tempted to email her and ask her: "Well, if it wasn't your disorder that caused you to cheat when we essentially had a perfect relationship then you must just be a dirty, lying whore. So which is it?" Doubt that would go over well.
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Gender: Male
Posts: 101

« Reply #25 on: May 03, 2013, 10:56:14 PM »

Hi BorderlineMagnet,

Pop over here  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79702.0  

People affected by Borderline Personality Disorder generally have diminished executive functions.

They know what they do is wrong but can't help themselves.

They know right from wrong.

Consequently all the wrongs they did on impulse continually revolves around in their heads and causes their pain.  Imagine you thinking all day every day of all the mistakes you made in your life. We would go crazy too.  They have found mechanisms to cope with this we will never understand.

Understanding reliefs our pain
,  a bit !


« Last Edit: May 17, 2013, 12:27:10 AM by Clearmind » Logged
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Posts: 158

« Reply #26 on: May 03, 2013, 11:04:22 PM »


I actually knew these things...   It's just tomorrow is the one year anniversary of us meeting, and I've just been thinking about her a lot lately, and have been in an angry/sad place. My life has been going great lately, and this is just haunting me. I miss her honestly. I know she isn't a lying whore. I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I know what she feels is probably more excruciating than what I'm feeling. I'm just really kind of mad at fate I guess. She was so much of what I wanted, that it feels like such a sick cosmic joke that she had to be BPD.
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Gender: Male
Posts: 101

« Reply #27 on: May 03, 2013, 11:08:12 PM »

So true, I have said it a thousand times "WHY ME"

I didn't just run over a Chinaman, I got the whole bloody family !

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Posts: 158

« Reply #28 on: May 03, 2013, 11:10:12 PM »

The fact that she was the second BPD ex in a row makes it worse. She actually picked me up and made me whole again, only to shatter me even harder than the one before her. I'm strong and can endure, but there are days...  
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Gender: Male
Posts: 101

« Reply #29 on: May 03, 2013, 11:15:17 PM »

I have been 59 days now in N/C, after three years last March of being in Hell.  I to have ups and downs but I am finding the downs are becoming less.  I have my own home and the garden has been keeping me busy and my mind off things.

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