Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 22, 2017, 05:46:21 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
How to choose a life partner Read here
Administrator: heartandwhole
Moderators: Meili, once removed
Member support team: DaddyBear77, Flourdust, Tattered Heart, Turkish, wendydarling, Woolspinner2000
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Please Donate Login Register  
Breaking up with Someone Suffering with BPD traits... You know that leaving is the healthiest thing you can do, yet your attachment is undeniable. You feel trapped by your desires to rekindle a relationship even though you know it isn't healthy - and may not even be available to you. This guide explores the common struggles of breaking away from a "BPD" relationship.
86
Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: When you spy & reveal their secrets  (Read 3793 times)
fromheeltoheal
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5643


« Reply #20 on: May 03, 2013, 08:13:23 PM »

Yup, echoes of hell in this thread for me too.

The other women were triangulation (read definition); a BPD gets too close to you, they feel engulfed, need to find someone to idealize, a different phase of the pathology.  Plus it gives them a sense of control because they have options, and can keep the needed distance from you.

I think the core of the busted-when-lying rages is a belief by the BPD that if you really knew who they were, honestly and openly, you'd leave, and their biggest fear is that of abandonment, so they need to create a version of themselves they think you'll like, and play that; it started in their mirroring of you in the beginning.  Once they see it isn't working, because you bust them or display mistrust by hiring a PI of whatever, their cover's blown, shame shows up, they can't tolerate it, so they rage.

And like mine, your gut feel was telling you something, which motivated you to hire the PI to begin with, and that something was a lack of trust, like you were being played, which you were.  I just focus on the fact that she was doing it because she has a very low opinion of herself, and can't fathom how anyone could love the real her if the truth be told.  Nothing for us there, let's go find some someone capable of real connection.
Logged

And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make
ARE YOU ON THE RIGHT BOARD?
All members still incontact with their partner should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions.
If you are evaluating a decision to stay or leave, please post on Conflicted and Deciding
caughtnreleased
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 608


« Reply #21 on: May 03, 2013, 08:30:40 PM »

A friend of mine told me that my ex had gone on a major promiscuity spree maybe a day after I broke up with him, sleeping with anything and anyone, even with his best friend/coworker's girlfriend (thereby sabotaging an important relationship and work contact).  It took me three months to digest the information and get the courage to tell him about it. When I finally told him that I knew what had happenned he tried to deny it at first, finally conceded and could only say he didn't know why he'd done it.  He clearly felt awful about it...   it made me feel bad for him. I think in the end talking about it just made him feel so bad inside that he left right after I told him I knew.  I haven't hear from him since. 
Logged

The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
Kunoichi
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 94


« Reply #22 on: May 03, 2013, 09:00:23 PM »

My BiP/BPDh, even when presented with the evidence, denies, denies, denies any wrongdoing. He never gets angry about me snooping on his pc he just gets pissed that I am accusing him of something denies that he's done anything wrong and then he attempts to become Mr Perfect. I know it's all just an attempt to smooth things over so I don't try to leave or call the police on him (his activities are illegal) but too late, I called the police today. They are reviewing the evidence I gave them and likely will be arresting him in the near future.  All I can say is C'est la vie.
Logged
Louise7777
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 516



« Reply #23 on: May 03, 2013, 09:25:15 PM »

I think all of this applies to PAPD and NPD too.
Logged
BorderlineMagnet
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 158


« Reply #24 on: May 03, 2013, 10:37:39 PM »

The only mildly angry or even harsh feelings my ex pwBPDgf showed towards me in the 10 months I knew her was when I exposed her to her new guy, that she was still my gf for a good month when they were supposedly a couple, and had tried to get me to have sex with her in that time. She didn't like being forced to make a choice. She even basically said that in an email recently, that "when I had to make a choice I choose him." Well no ___? Like you think I was just gonna be cool with it if you chose me? This scenario should have never arose in the first place. But yeah, abandonment fears/low self-esteem issues. They don't like being found out for what they are, especially the higher-functioning ones like her. She won't even admit at this point that her disorder had anything to do with her cheating. Half tempted to email her and ask her: "Well, if it wasn't your disorder that caused you to cheat when we essentially had a perfect relationship then you must just be a dirty, lying whore. So which is it?" Doubt that would go over well.
Logged
MontyD
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 101



« Reply #25 on: May 03, 2013, 10:56:14 PM »

Hi BorderlineMagnet,

Pop over here  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79702.0  

People affected by Borderline Personality Disorder generally have diminished executive functions.

They know what they do is wrong but can't help themselves.

They know right from wrong.

Consequently all the wrongs they did on impulse continually revolves around in their heads and causes their pain.  Imagine you thinking all day every day of all the mistakes you made in your life. We would go crazy too.  They have found mechanisms to cope with this we will never understand.



Understanding reliefs our pain
,  a bit !

Monty

« Last Edit: May 17, 2013, 12:27:10 AM by Clearmind » Logged
BorderlineMagnet
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 158


« Reply #26 on: May 03, 2013, 11:04:22 PM »

Monty,

I actually knew these things...   It's just tomorrow is the one year anniversary of us meeting, and I've just been thinking about her a lot lately, and have been in an angry/sad place. My life has been going great lately, and this is just haunting me. I miss her honestly. I know she isn't a lying whore. I know she didn't mean to hurt me. I know what she feels is probably more excruciating than what I'm feeling. I'm just really kind of mad at fate I guess. She was so much of what I wanted, that it feels like such a sick cosmic joke that she had to be BPD.
Logged
MontyD
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 101



« Reply #27 on: May 03, 2013, 11:08:12 PM »

So true, I have said it a thousand times "WHY ME"

I didn't just run over a Chinaman, I got the whole bloody family !

Monty
Logged
BorderlineMagnet
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 158


« Reply #28 on: May 03, 2013, 11:10:12 PM »

The fact that she was the second BPD ex in a row makes it worse. She actually picked me up and made me whole again, only to shatter me even harder than the one before her. I'm strong and can endure, but there are days...  
Logged
MontyD
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 101



« Reply #29 on: May 03, 2013, 11:15:17 PM »

I have been 59 days now in N/C, after three years last March of being in Hell.  I to have ups and downs but I am finding the downs are becoming less.  I have my own home and the garden has been keeping me busy and my mind off things.

Monty
Logged

2018 Financial Sponsors - Thank you all!
Thank you. We are all appreciative of the thoughtful and responsible men and women who provide the support, education, brotherhood, and funding to keep BPDFamily on the air and make a difference in the lives and families of many. To you all, thank you for this wonderful resource.
12years
AskingWhy
At_Bay
braveSun
Butch13
Cat Familiar
Change2014
Chosen
chump
Coffee BE Twin
confusedbloke
coworkerfriend
DearHusband
Dkandyk
drained1996
earlyL
EmpatheticWife2B
empathic
Faith2014
Fie
flourdust
freespirit
Gagrl
gloveman
Gorges
gotbushels
Harley Quinn
Harri
imprisoned
incadove
IsThisThingOn
Japeslee
joeramabeme
jones54
Kailin
KarenDH
lera
LittleBlueTruck
Meili
mother of son
Mutt
Narkiss
NotOverHer
Ox
P.F.Change
Panda39
patientandclear
Randi Kreger
RecoveringDee
Reforming
Roma
SamwizeGamgee
Scarlet Phoenix
seahorse
SES
Skip
Sluggo
stayingpositive
Stripey77
Sutherland
sweetheart
Tarquin42
Turkish
Twiggy1971
vanx
wendydarling
Wentworth
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife

Pay it forward Here

Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  



Just been thrown from the roller coaster? Stepping off? Are you emotionally raw? Is your self-esteem crashing? Work with us to get to steady ground.

Welcome
What is BPD?
Should I post on this board?

Articles
Clinical Information
Self-help Material


The Lessons
1. Healing - the big picture
2. Understand your situation


The five stages of Detachment

1 Acknowledgment- we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings.

2 Self-Inquiry- we then probe the feelings - it's important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you both to be present with them and to stand a little aside from them.

3 Processing- become aware of what has been useful in the journey you've just taken, regardless of how it all turned out.

4 Creative Action- start something new with real enthusiasm for the doing of it, rather than out of the need to prove something.

5 Freedom - the stage when thinking about your loss (or the thing you desire) doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being.


Workshops
Participate Here

Frequently asked questions
... about BPD.
... about using the board.


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2017, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!