When you spy & reveal their secrets

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

We went a month NC that she initiated. Then 2 weeks ago tonight she FB creeped me and showed up with her new guy at the same bar me and my friends were at. I suspect she wanted to see if me and my female friend were dating. She asked as much after my female friend seeing how much her showing up affected me confronted her. After a few emails the following Sunday I initiated the NC this time. So that's why it's kind of fresh for me.

[BorderlineMagnet]

We went a month NC that she initiated. Then 2 weeks ago tonight she FB creeped me and showed up with her new guy at the same bar me and my friends were at. I suspect she wanted to see if me and my female friend were dating. She asked as much after my female friend seeing how much her showing up affected me confronted her. After a few emails the following Sunday I initiated the NC this time. So that's why it's kind of fresh for me.

[MontyD]

You must go completely n/c.  I don't even go out any more.  I used to read her emails texts etc but I then discovered I was really half n/c, so I have become complety remote so as I can heal.  I would see her in the supermarket car park and I would finish up a mess.

I got out of town for 3 weeks, had a vacation.  Left the phone at home, no computer, and I came home much stronger.

Now, I'm on vacation at home, don't read her email;s, they go strait into the trash can  and her phone is blocked !

Monty

[ComoLu]

My uxBPDH seems to actually want to get caught and then pretends that I don't know what I know.  The biggest issue right now is his address.  He told me he moved and gave me his new address.  It was the local UPS store (he lives in a different city).  I told him I didn't think the cubicle would be big enough for him to live in.  He was furious.  Then he insisted that I do a joint tax return with him (his attorney threatened to bring legal action against me if I didn't), and got angry that I got a copy of the return with his W2's on it.  One of them had his actual new address on it.  Now he has sworn to the court that he has moved again... .  into his best friend's house.  He never moved, but he lied to the court.  He pretends that I never knew his address and don't know the truth.  I can only guess why.  He also is paranoid about bank accounts.  He was furious that I figured out where he banks.  I don't get it.  I don't know why it matters now that we are divorced, but he keeps on with it.  If it isn't one thing, it is another.

[VeryFree]

My uxBPDH seems to actually want to get caught

Interesting thought.

I myself have thought that quite often. Like she wants the attention, whether it's positive or negative.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Monty,

No way in hell will I give her the power to dictate where I go and what I do. And neither should you with yours. That is not healing. That is being held hostage to some extent. Do what you want to do. Maybe I should not have checked in on FB in a part of town she lives in- but I was curious to see if I had been erased. Nope, I hadn't. Case closed there. Hiding is not healing. Hold your head up proud wherever you go. Just don't make the mistake of advertising where you are like I did. Going out has actually helped me. Hitting the gym 4-5 days a week has helped me. LIVING has helped me. Not hiding at home under the guise of healing. That's giving her the ultimate form of power over you.

[Peterpan]

I have almost been in this situation myself. I caught him red handed cheating on me right under my nose, but not before I had seen many instances which made me suspicious of it going on.

He swore, after confrontation that I was wrong, I had imagined it all, adn at the time I was so deeply devastated  but so in love with him, that I chose to believe my confrontation was enough for him to turn a corner.

In short, I chose to believe he regretted it, was 'sorry' humbled. His manipulation and acting were so good that I still carried on with it all.

However, he continued to 'refer' indirectly to her, there were many inconsistencies to follow, he carried on being evasive, secretive, mentioning things which hadn't happened with ME, adn talkign aout things which clearly were about her, and of course I was obsessed with the thought that it was still going on,after all, although he had denied it, I did have proof of it happening previously.

I had those inconsistencies coming every single day, I analysed every word from him, his schedules, everything.

I was in a place where every single piece of contact had me doubting and suspecting him, and I knew that the only thing which would end my agony once and for all would be to hire a P.I.

I considered it over and over, all the time getting messages from him that 'didn't add up', but yet all the same usual words of love, sincerity, etc.

I decided not to hire a P.I. in the end purely because I already knew in my heart that anyone who can say to you

"I just can't let you go" but can deceive you at the same time, will surely be saying the same things to everyone he was intimate with? And if he couldn't let me go, then surely he wouldn't be letting her go either?

The above posters are right, hiring a P.I. is a drastic measure, but when you have been gaslighted into oblivion, and know you have been lied to over and over, you can easily lose perspective, wanting to trust versus constant suspicion can often have you feeling that it's the only option.

[shenanigan247]

It's like we all have dealt with the same person... .

I had no idea my bf had BPD 6 yrs ago when I met what I thought was the perfect guy who listened & shared his feelings, then asked me to marry him within a month of meeting.  But I fell for it.

Moved in, then in sharing the same computer discovered he was a serial dater meeting people online the whole time. I got suspicious after he "shut off" emotionally. I was confused, felt I needed to know why... .

Then when confronted he denied then blamed me... .  said he was lonely & needed someone to talk to & I wasn't "there" for him even tho I was the one always trying to connect & understand him. He would act as tho I slapped him in the face when I asked him how he was feeling... . Then he was very condescending toward me pointing out any "flaws" I might have. Punished me... .

So  I left him, a few months later he claimed he loved me more than anyone ever, I went back several times.

I Wish I had known what I was dealing with, I wasted so much time was a complete train wreck... .  depressed, anxiety.

But learning & support on this website has been a Godsend, knowing I wasn't losing my mind & his rejection had nothing to do with me, yet I have alot of healing to do.

I start moving out  tomorrow. I have never felt so hopeful I can finally move w/o any help from him, back on my feet financially. I can cut all ties & finally feel Peace. He acts as if he cant get rid of me fast enough... . but I know the drill.

Changing  my ph# & any point of contact & finally feel free & on the way to peace & healing. 

I say that now & hope that I feel the same tomorrow, next week, month, year... .  

[Surnia]

Siamese Rescue

Honestly, I would be angry and livid too when my partner would tell me he had a PI sent after me.

How do you feel about the fact that the PI didn't found any evidence?

[Billa]

mine recycled one of his exs at least three months before we broke up. He gave me lots of hints about it, it seems he got some kind of pleasure in doing it and give me pain, but he was always claiming they were just good friends. As we lived in different places, in the end he was always going around with her, among our friends. It was humiliating, for me, but every time I tried to discuss the situation he became harsch, angry and cold. She was a saint, I was the devil. She could say everything about me, I could say nothing. After I left him because of his behaviour (i.e. he had accused me to have said bad things about her at a birthday party, which was not true, and called me all sort of names) he reached out to me and we came back. Some days after, they agreed to make her write an e-mail to me, aimed to re-assure me about their r/s - just friends- while, as I discovered after, they were planning a weekend together. And, as "now things were ok" between me and the exGf, he wanted me to give him my blessing to their journey together... .  When he came back, he was very disappointed at my cold reaction and in the following days he alternated sarcasm and coldness with some good moment. Then he had two days off and he spent all the time with her (she was so nice to let me know it by Facebook... .  ). This made me mad and I called and left him. He was very angry, blamed me for all that was happening and denied everything. I am the crazy one, I'm the one who created all problems and destroyed it all. She is the saint, I'm the one who is toxic and full of anger. Than he painted me definitely black, blocked me on Fb (after I removed him because he had put me in the acquaintances list for the third time) and whatsapp and so on. But he never admitted his cheating, even if they are now openly dating.

[caughtnreleased]

My uxBPDH seems to actually want to get caught

Interesting thought.

I myself have thought that quite often. Like she wants the attention, whether it's positive or negative.

I agree. My BPD ex kept mentioning other girl "friends".  Either he was tired of lying about himself (he was actually way overly candid with me about other things), or wanted to provoke me somehow, so without actually saying that he was sleeping with others had other ways of letting me know others were in the picture... .  

[lhd981]

I was thrown off from the beginning because of my BPD exgf's adamant hatred of liars and lying.

As an accountant, tax season was hell on her stress levels (and on our relationship), but we made it through; on the last day (tax deadline day), her firm threw a very nice party with an open bar at a local restaurant (local to her meant over an hour of driving for me). She often said that she had never made it through tax season with a boyfriend - I was determined to be different! We spoke a lot about how the end of tax season would be a huge milestone for us, so imagine my surprise when she stopped texting and emailing on that day. In fact, all I had was the address and a vague time. Apparently I'd be picking up her best friend and meeting her there "later". Imagine my surprise after 2+ hours of driving, waiting for her friend, etc, to finally walk into the restaurant where the party was being held - to see my lovely exgf drunk as a skunk, blatantly flirting with her coworker. Not just any coworker either, but who appeared to be the casanova of the office, by which I mean a smarmy "player" type. I also knew that they had gone out drinking together during the prior year's tax season.

While she did greet me with the requisite kiss, I could tell that she was very drunk. Her friend that I brought with me had actually brought her a present and asked her to choose which piece of jewelry she'd like from a little bag her friend had brought. Imagine my surprise when my exgf goes to the "player guy" and says "ooh, which one do you think would look best on me?". It was as if I didn't exist.

More disconcerting to me was how she immediately went back to drinking with this guy at the bar and more-or-less ignored me. At one point, the guy began to put his arm around her and kissed her on the cheek. Another younger male coworker joined in and asked "<lhd981's gf>, would you sleep with me?" (as a hypothetical question). Her response "No, I told you, I like bigger guys. You're too small for me." Afterwards, the same coworker motioned towards my exgf and the "player guy" and made a very clear gesture with his hands about them engaging in sex. Only for another, more meek and nerdy coworker of hers to pull me aside, point to them and say "If that were my girlfriend, I'd have left by now".

She did apologize of sorts two days later; her excuse was that "I hadn't touched her much during tax season" - which was an incredible rationalization on her part; she explicitly told me that, after regularly working until midnight and beyond every night, she wouldn't much be in the mood.

Furthermore, we were once discussing a new apartment for her and she mentioned how "player coworker guy's" apartment complex was very nice and his apartment had a great layout which she began describing; only to end with "I mean, not that I've ever been in his apartment". If I were a more vindictive man, I'd have pushed her on what she meant by that.

Funny thing is, the past is the past and it doesn't bother me what she did. What bothers me is that Ms. High and Mighty may not have been anywhere near as virtuous as she claimed to be.

[Siamese Rescue]

Siamese Rescue

Honestly, I would be angry and livid too when my partner would tell me he had a PI sent after me.

How do you feel about the fact that the PI didn't found any evidence?

I have mixed emotions about all of it.  First, the private investigator seems shady to me and the fact that he has had an indirect link to my ex and my ex's ex-girlfriend because he was working for business people that they were involved with makes me suspicious.  Each time I met with this PI to pay a bill, my ex-boyfriend mysteriously happened to see me or one of his friends saw me. Too coincidental.  (yes, I could have paranoia from dealing with my ex for this long)

How do i feel about the lack of evidence? Again mixed emotions.  How do you feel when your ex who was at the time your bf tells you he "has to" take his ex-girlfriend, your enemy, out to a function on a Saturday night because she's handling his foreclosure for him and he promised her a long time ago he would do it for her... .  and the PI surveillance shows they weren't holding hands or kissing - How do you feel about that? Oh, well, he took his ex out while i sat home but he didn't kiss her... .  

Then the second incident, with the other woman, he lied beforehand about the circumstances of what he was doing that night.  He told me he was going to something related to his business (and it was legit) and having dinner afterward with three guys. Well, the surveillance showed he took this woman with him, afterward they made one stop that was related to the business they're in, and then he dropped her off with no affection.  He then called me when he got home (and I believe he suspected he was being followed, he admitted at the break up that some guy was following them) and he casually admitted, "oh the place was amazing babe and I got to meet hit_ and hit_ and it was fantastic facility, I went down with "Suzie" cuz she was going so why take two cars, then afterward I stopped her at hit_ so she could decide about hit_ then I dropped her off at her car. I just got home" ... .  

So I ask, why didn't you tell me this morning that you were taking her? "Well, you asked me if I was going with women and I said I was going with a ton of them and you didn't ask any more questions so I didn't say anything. I didn't touch her, it's business, why are you mad?" "Because you told me you were going alone and having dinner with the men afterward" "Well, it didn't work out that way, why are you giving me ~? I didn't touch her!"  -----

Do you see how the half truths just end up piling up on me and making ME look like the maniac? He carries himself as marginally single in my opinion.  He might admit to his female clients that he has a girlfriend but it's usually a tale of woe... .  "things are kind of screwed up right now, blah blah blah" Why didn't he say "I'm taking hit_ to this seminar because she's signing up to do this business?" Why not just say it? Maybe because he fears I'll react and frankly, after five years of being lied to and cheated on, I don't trust him.  I simply don't trust him. I feel that if he loved me and was interested in putting my mind at ease in light of his cheating that he would introduce me to these women - simple as that.  Instead, he creates this climate where everyone has an adversarial feel - he whines to other women about his girlfriend, then if I casually meet them they look at me like I'm the nagging btch girlfriend... .  it's not fair, because any male friend I have has found me going out of my way to make him feel secure and comfortable - introductions, encouraging him to get to know them. I'm not hiding anything (i only have a few male friends - who are like brothers to me)

In the end I'm still intact enough that my brain hasn't been totally fried out from all this and I do realize that I probably blew this up --- He saw me with a private investigator - thought I was having an affair (he's accused every woman he's ever been with of cheating on him) and then i had to admit no, it's a PI and that set him off.  :)o I wish I could do it all over again? YES.  Would I still hire the PI? The answer is either No, or I don't know --- hearing that he wasn't affectionate with his ex was very very comforting to me and it gave me hope that I might manage to handle their relationship as it pertained to the handling of the foreclosure etc.  But maybe I wouldn't have -- I don't know.  I hate that the hiring of the PI and me being seen with him at a coffee place, on a parking lot, in a grocery store cafe, caused my ex-bf to think I was betraying him... .  I just don't see hiring a PI as betraying him when he has put up so many odd behaviors of hot and cold and unpredictability and nonsensical things - all I was trying to do was see if he was cheating on me.  I didn't want to be tricked again. I didn't want to be hurt again. If I hadn't hired the PI i probably would still be going out of my mind with wonder and curiosity.  

It's a no win situation.  He goes through periods where all is well and all feels calm, he is where he says he is, his head is straight, he is "with" me, then he loses it, starts doing all kinds of crooked ~, lying, being evasive, and then I freak and start digging... .  and when I invest in digging the effective way that yields results, I always end up disappointed and hurt. The day that he took that woman to that seminar, he called me right before he met her to make sure I was home. If I hadn't had the PI I would have stupidly believed he was going on his own... .  by himself... .  and if he hadn't suspected he was being followed, would he have confessed when he got home? who knows?

I appreciate this board because sometimes writing it out and thinking it out makes me feel validated that just because a PI didn't find any public affection doesn't mean that this ex of mine isn't a LIAR and a truth twister who regularly indulged in lying by technicality and omission.  

Thanks for asking me that because for now, I feel like I've realized something - not sure what but I've realized something... .

One day I'll emerge from this and I think I'll survive it.

[Surnia]

I agree with you, there is some mistrust/paranoia in your lines, compared to your exbf and the PI.

Could it be that one reason for the PI is to validate your own feelings of mistrust? Which didn't worked bc he did not had strong evidence. And so you are back again with your mistrust.

Your mistrust is a reality. Your reality. In my opinion it is very difficult to be with someone in a rs when you not trust him.

You will survive it. And we are here for you. 

[Siamese Rescue]

Thank you. My feelings are so deep for him and there's so much frustration layered in with all of it. I do realize that he is the root of the problem with his BPD and I have to own and acknowledge that I have become dangerously codependent.  It's extremely disappointing to me because despite the novels of agony I have showered upon this board, there were huge chunks of our relationship and the interaction that we had on a daily basis that was "good" for long stretches of time.  Even so, his ex was always lurking and she's vicious in her antagonistic ways toward me. (She's histrionic) I have had to face the fact that we were doomed from the beginning and all the connection, love, time spent together, was always compromised in one way or another.  Even when we would go away for trips, he'd be a wreck because of her tantrums and when we would get home he would turn against me. Bam. There's another example of one more revelation I am having about this.

Ugh. This is so painful.  I am embarrassed to admit that I miss him, or at least the part of him that I thought I knew or the facade of him that he showed me from time to time.