how to get therapist to talk to you about d when she is almost 21

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, does anyone have any ideas on how to get therapist and phys to talk to you about your d almost 21 . I have called them both several times to discuss my d issues left messages about what I wanted to let them know but no calls back I know about PRIVACY ISSUES but common sense has to come into play with our BPD children no matter how old they are .  Thank you in advanced

[mggt]

Hi, does anyone have any ideas on how to get therapist and phys to talk to you about your d almost 21 . I have called them both several times to discuss my d issues left messages about what I wanted to let them know but no calls back I know about PRIVACY ISSUES but common sense has to come into play with our BPD children no matter how old they are .  Thank you in advanced

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Would your dd sign something giving you permission ? Can you convince her that it would help everyone involved? I don't think there is anything stopping you from talking to them and giving them an idea of how your dd is behaving outside their office... .  Maybe for now you just keep leaving the messages as an update to them when you feel it is necessary. sorry i can't be of more help... .  it must be so frustrating... .  

[mggt]

jellibeans, My d would never sign a release .  I dont get why they wont speak with us considering what a terrible and dangerous disease this is that is what I meant by common sense sometimes I really wonder how credible these t and p . We family are doing everything to help them and then we get stonewalled by t and p they really need some more common sense or they have to be re credited to deal with BPDs .  All over this board is how our children can play alot of the p and t very frustrating we are not the enemys our children already see us this way no need for professional to act same as our disturbed children COMMON SENSE

[mamachelle]

mggt,

I have been reading this book to deal with my SS15 who is possibly pre-schizophrenic but it applies to your situation I think. It's worth picking up at any rate since there is a lot of great information in there.

I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help!

The book talks a lot about different issues, but one of them is how parents and siblings can communicate with the doctors of a mentally ill family member off the record or on the record as the case may be... .  Since he is a M.D. he talks about his experience of at first not wanting to talk to his brother's care providers and then realizing how important it was.

Hope this helps.

mamachelle

[jellibeans]

Do you think mggt that this is the T's attempt to put the burden on your dd and not you? Making her the one that is driving the bus? Maybe you need aother family therapist you all can go to... .  would she be open to that? We have just started with a family therapist and I am hoping she will be able to guide us all. I just had my second session with my H and I think it will help us with our relationship along with repair our family.

[ontherox]

Hi mggt, I’m not sure what the law is where you are but here we can’t get any info without our dd20 signing a consent form because she’s an “adult”.  I agree it’s crazy but it’s not the t or p’s fault, they’re just obeying the law.  Can you contact them by email?  I have had luck with that.  Even though it is not two-way I can at least give the t a heads up on what our dd is up to.  This helps them tell when dd is telling the truth or not. The t is OK with advising us sometimes on how to react without telling us what our dd has told her. Also, they can read it when they have time.  Unfortunately I have only seen progress with our dd when she wanted to make progress. When she’s in that mode she has no problem signing release forms.  I wish you luck, this stuff is madding.

[griz]

I don't know if this will help at all but I recently left a message for my daughters T.  DD is 18 so by law there are HIPPA issues.  The message I left was:  Hi this Griz, DD's mom.  I felt it was important to touch base with  you and that we are on the same page. I would like to give you any insight that might be helpful to you from my perspective and although I don't need to know what DD discusses in therapy I thought you would be the best person to give me pointers in how I can help her.  I got a call back the next day.  We did not discuss any of DD's issues or what she talkes about in therapy.  I told her what I was seeing at home and she shared with me somethings that I could do that would also be helpful.  I told her since DD is not the talkative type I welcome any time she thinks she has an idea that could be helpful or even maybe if I am doing something that is not good or frustrating DD she could let me know.  She welcomed my feedback and told me to call if I felt like I had anything important to share.  She told me even I just wanted to leave her a message that would be fine.

Maybe in your messages you could make it clear that you do not want to intrude or ask for any information they might be more receptive.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Trust is very important between patient and therapist.  Communicating with you without your d's knowledge and consent might be seen by the t as breaking trust.

[vivekananda]

Hi mggt,

It is so frustrating to not have input into the therapy for our adult children. I know that only to well. I nearly went crazy trying to get her the best help and my dd rejected and sought her own T - who diagnosed her with PTSD it seems. Of course she won't let us have anything to do with him because she sees that as part of our emotional abuse, being controlling.

While I was so frustrated, I have learnt here to accept the situation. I have learnt a bit more about BPD and the various treatments etc, and am less distressed. My dd trusts her T and he has helped her a bit, but she won't see him (we offer to pay him, but she rejects that as 'controlling' - I think it's her current favourite word). As lbj said, trust between the T and your dd is critical to the success of any treatment. There is research I understand that shows that trust is essential for any success with BPD.

The Aust National Guidelines say: Some actions or behaviours by family, partners or carers might worsen BPD symptoms or reduce the effectiveness of treatment for BPD and goes on to give 8 reasons for a T to be cautious. Now I know that your involvement would be productive, but there are good reasons for a T to be cautious.

Having said that, the same guidelines say: Families, partners and carers can play an important role in supporting the person’s recovery. Health professionals should acknowledge and respect their contribution. It also outlines 5 ways that a parent can support their child, including 'co-operating with healthcare professionals'.

So, if I could suggest you take a deep breath and plan how you could best co-operate with your d's T. Me, my focus is to encourage my dd to attend regularly, if her T is any good (and I think he may be) then he'll recognise BPD and in the meantime he is using CBT as a therapeutic tool which is helpful anyway. I don't need to know what goes on - I am making an assumption about what my dd's T says and does. My dd is an adult too, she is responsible for her decisions. I have learnt to accept that (generally  )

Mggt we just have to trust that the work we did in raising them as littlies will stand them in good stead. They are adults now.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Vivek  letting go - it is hard to do with our twenty-somethings. They still seem like adolsecents to us - well to me anyway with DD26. And her actions so often are like a 15 year old. She has even said that of herself, recently, feeling like a 15 year old emotionally. She is really struggling the past 6 weeks, and is at a real low tonight. She refuses all therapy, and is not on her meds for the anxiety and depression. For some insane reason her NP (nurse supervised by pdoc) gave her rx for stimulant at DD's request based on 10 minute ADHD survey. This seems to be pushing DD into a deep hole. Do I call the clinic with this info? They always, ALWAYS, tell DD that I left a message and what I said. It often comes back to bite me from DD's lips later.

I try to stay out of her therapy r/s's now. Is this an exception?

So hard so hard so hard to keep on when they want to be grown up and they look grown up and they are like 15 inside.

Sorry if I am off track - no hijacking intended.

qcr  

[mggt]

Thanks to all of you for your advice .  I will keep leaving messages for both t and p and I am not really sure if she is going to see them she tells me she is but who knows.  She has been on all types of meds from p and before when i spoke long time ago with him he said "oh she has bipolar" No I said remember its BPD OMG  this is what I am dealing with .  Different pdoc diagnosed her long time ago but  she has been seeing new pdoc for years off and on .  So I am not sure how or what they are treating her for. My d is almost 21 years old but really 14 years old and if these pdoc and t know all about BPD they should at least use common sense and realize they are not adults . Thank you all again and sending hugs to all of you  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

good to hear back from you mggt I was worried that I was abrupt when I know how hard it is... .  and yes our young woman are so immature, they are like children. Yes, cqr, mggt you are so right.

And I am get so frustrated with T's in general - I also have had so may unhelpful experiences with them.

I think that if we have our tools under our belt (boundaries, validation etc) if we are practicing acceptance and mindfulness ourselves and we are informed about BPD and treatment types - we can act with integrity and try to open conversation with their T's.

Nonetheless, it is important to accept what we cannot change. Instead we can turn our thoughts to planning what we can effect - most importantly that is our relationship with our kids... .  

love to you,

Vivek      

[qcarolr]

It sure is easier to be mindful when dd is not here. In my face in a rage.

And I remind myself from this more calm safe place that dd does ask and need a loving connection with her family. It is up to us to find the ways to keep our health in this connection. And to keep others in family safe aswell.

Qcr  

[heronbird]

You can talk about your dd, but they cant tell you about her.

I always say I am happy with that, I dont want to know what she is doing.

Hope things work out ok in the end

[mggt]

Thank you all I will continue to leave messages with t and p along with many prayers cant hurt right?  

[vivekananda]

I'll throw in some prayers for you too mggt! Can hurt eh? (though I don't know what God would think to hear me praying... .  ... .  ahh what does she want now!)

best wishes,

Vivek      

[mggt]

Dear Vivek ,  So funny I got a good chuckle this morning thank you