Why we stay & how we do it

[byasliver]

I'm writing this for me, to sort out my thoughts but also for those who might relate - or not. I stay because I dearly love my uBPDh. Sometimes he's not here but it's the BPD instead but for those times when HE'S here, it's... .  perfect. His smile, his laugh, his embrace, his intellect, his humor... .  all worth it. I wouldn't leave him if he had Alzheimer's or Dementia so why for this? I have teenage kids who are just horrible some days but I don't let it affect me too much because I know it's just a phase they will outgrow. I don't know that my uBPDh will "outgrow" this but I still know it's only a part of him and not the whole of him. THAT is why I stay. It's easy to forget that sometimes but that brings me to the "how" part of this.

My T talked to me last week about relaxation techniques. What relaxes me is water: being on it, in it, near it, hearing it, whatever. I knew that but never thought to use it to my advantage till now. uBPDh is in a dark place right now and I'm having to distance myself. I have a "hideaway space" in our attic where it's cool, dark and quiet. I go there for solitude, peace and personal rejuvenation. Tonight I took it one step further and have been listening to the sounds of lapping water. It's almost hypnotic... .  almost like a drug because the effect is so powerful. THAT is the "how" I stay. I'm not sitting here worried about him because I know I have absolutely ZERO control over him, his actions and emotions. I'm not worried about my kids because I've made sure they are safe. I'm just here, taking care of MY needs and for once in my life not feeling guilty about it because I know how necessary this is for me to be able to be there for him and my kids like I want to be.

And that is the why and how of it. No, it's not easy! It's hard as hell! Hardest thing I've ever done (and I've given birth to and am raising 4 kids) but it IS doable. Not for all but this is my choice and the choice many make.

Just hoping this post inspires some, comforts some or just eliminates confusion for some. Go find your reason for staying... .  and your how  

Btw, really wish there was some way to "tag" people in these posts. I have made incredibly dear friends on here: jedicloak, ScarletPhoenix, yeeter, arabella... .  I'm sure I'm forgetting some. It's strange to feel so close to you all, to know so little and, yet, so much, too. Fellow travelers through Oz 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[byasliver]

Have to add this for the parents going through this with a pwBPD:

MY oldest daughter just came home from a date with her bf at a local festival. She had a minor accident but was nearly transported to the ER because they thought she needed stitches. However, she kept a cool head and walked away with just some band aids, severely scraped shins and bloody jeans. We spent several minutes laughing about the story and our lack of blood stain removing knowledge. All this after a horribly tense day with uBPDh and him just a few feet away while we were laughing it up. It all helps me remember that sometimes it only takes one really solid parent in the home. My mom was (and still is) a high-functioning alcoholic & pill addict but my dad was ever-solid. Even when he was traveling for work and gone four nights a week, I totally credit him for my being so grounded today. Yes, my uBPDh may be doing damage to the kids but they will gravitate towards what is more secure: me... .  and, in the end, be ok

[jedicloak]

What you said makes sense for you and I'm happy that you've come to a place of peace about your decision. I am in a different place (because so much of our story is unique to us) but bound by a common thread of disruptive behaviors from our partner. Here's my feelings... .  

I was presented with the option for leaving a few weeks ago - and though I seriously contemplated it, I'm still here (although the wife is on the other side of the country for awhile longer). It has been a bit of a tug of war since she left - she wants to come back home and I'm happy she's gone. Granted, I do have the fortune of keeping in touch with her via chat, email, phone. And I find the space and choice to keep in touch more enjoyable, than having her ever present and in need. And in need she is. She has panic attacks, dissociates (well, turns out she up played her symptoms for attention), hasn't managed to keep a job for more than a few months "because of her symptoms.," has had endless counseling (which is expensive).

Tonight she inquired about sex - what do I do? why didn't I want her (for the two months before she left)? Etc., etc. As part of my recovery from codependency, I practice being honest. I told her that romantic feelings/sexual desire come from my wanting to be with her because I'm attracted physically, emotionally. My FEELING responsible for her in all ways is a major mood killer - she feels like my child - and that is NOT good for me and happy-joy-joy-feelings. She HAS been SUPER DEPENDENT on me - financially, emotionally, physically - and it has drained me to no end. Now I am in recovery for codependency - attend Alanon, do the 12 steps, and come here, and talk to a counselor.

I don't see how I can feel attracted to someone I feel responsible for? I am learning I am NOT responsible for anyone else except myself. I am working to figure all that out and how it works in a marriage... .  not sure yet... .  I just know, I don't control anyone or anything except (on a good day), myself. At least I'm being honest with her and my feelings. Still not sure how to present my needs (or even what my needs are from her). I really don't want much... .  I really don't. I want her to earn some money to pay for life expenses like insurance and food and what not because otherwise I feel like she is dependent on me and that is not good (for me). I can make my own food, do my own laundry, run my own errands. I just want somebody I can enjoy being with, sharing with and doesn't feel like an emotional anchor or a financial one... .  does that sound rude? Is that too much to reasonably expect? She's not stupid, just emotionally immature with an anxiety disorder.

Thank you for listening... .   

[Rockylove]

Fellow travelers through Oz 

Living in Oz is a great analogy!

I'm so glad you made your little attic space.  It sounds like such a lovely haven and you deserve it! 

[zaqsert]

Hi byasilver,

It's great to hear how this is helping you stay while keeping your sanity and raising your four kids!

It all helps me remember that sometimes it only takes one really solid parent in the home. My mom was (and still is) a high-functioning alcoholic & pill addict but my dad was ever-solid. Even when he was traveling for work and gone four nights a week, I totally credit him for my being so grounded today. Yes, my uBPDh may be doing damage to the kids but they will gravitate towards what is more secure: me... .  and, in the end, be ok

Very nice and reassuring to read this too.  I worry about my D2 and really hope I can help her so that her fleas never develop into anything close to a PD.

We spent several minutes laughing about the story and our lack of blood stain removing knowledge.

In case you're still looking for a solution, hydrogen peroxide does wonders.  Learned this trick from a veterinary assistant several years ago after we brought our dog home from being spayed.  Test it carefully first since it can discolor garments, but it's worked really well whenever I've needed it.

[byasliver]

Rockylove! See, I knew I forgot some people! My attic space IS lovely and more healing than I thought it could be.

jedicloak, my heart is breaking for you. You deserve peace in your life and in your heart. I think maybe you need to start figuring yourself out then worry about the r/s with your wife. Not easy, I know but you have needs that she isn't going to be able to meet right now. Take care of you  

zaqsert, Thanks for the tip. We already washed the jeans but I don't know how well the stain came out. D16 is really sore today from the injury so we're more focused on her than the jeans. She slipped on muddy ground and her legs slid under a soda cart. Her shins were scraped pretty bad but not hurting last night. Today the bruising has set in so she's hurting.  I'm going to make her some chicken & dumplings and "baby" her a little.

I wish I could invite you all to my great little attic space. We'd have tea, maybe hot cocoa, share some laughs  

[dickL]

rockylove,

just started educating myself about uBPDw of 35yrs and my role then and now . i liked oz,it's the land my wife has led us to . 25yr old s , mentally handicapped  , and myself are still there but learning tools here, in therapy.a safe place is a healthy place , that attic sounds nice

[zaqsert]

byasilver, I'm sorry to hear about your D16's bruises and pain.  I hope she feels better soon!

Thanks for the thought of an invitation to your great little attic space.  I'm sure it would be fun!   Then again, we'd have to make sure we're not invading your space now that you've set it up. 

[arabella]

I'm writing this for me, to sort out my thoughts but also for those who might relate - or not. I stay because I dearly love my uBPDh. Sometimes he's not here but it's the BPD instead but for those times when HE'S here, it's... .  perfect. His smile, his laugh, his embrace, his intellect, his humor... .  all worth it. I wouldn't leave him if he had Alzheimer's or Dementia so why for this? I have teenage kids who are just horrible some days but I don't let it affect me too much because I know it's just a phase they will outgrow. I don't know that my uBPDh will "outgrow" this but I still know it's only a part of him and not the whole of him. THAT is why I stay. It's easy to forget that sometimes but that brings me to the "how" part of this.

***

Just hoping this post inspires some, comforts some or just eliminates confusion for some. Go find your reason for staying... .  and your how  

Btw, really wish there was some way to "tag" people in these posts. I have made incredibly dear friends on here: jedicloak, ScarletPhoenix, yeeter, arabella... .  I'm sure I'm forgetting some. It's strange to feel so close to you all, to know so little and, yet, so much, too. Fellow travelers through Oz 

No need to tag - I follow you around the boards!

Seriously though, thank you for this! Sometimes I get a little down at all the BPD negativity. We focus so much on the problems that we lose sight of why we're in these r/s to begin with! I feel about my H much the same way you do about yours. He's a wonderful, loving, giving, considerate, compassionate, supportive husband who makes me laugh, gives me comfort, and likes the same pizza toppings as I do. Of course, when he dysregulates or goes into a period of dissociation... .  well, that's why I'm here, to learn how to cope and to figure out how to best stop the bleeding during those times.

I'm still working on finding the key to my 'how'. It's coming in pieces. Detaching is helping a lot (much of this comes with healing my own codependency issues). I am doing more for myself and learning to enjoy our quiet, casually detached, time together rather than pushing for more. Sometimes less is more, you know?

Btw, I alternate between thinking of it as Oz and Wonderland. Sometimes it feels like I got hit by a tornado, other times I realize I'm responsible for choosing to follow that cute rabbit down the rabbit hole!

[byasliver]

arabella, just read some updates on your situation on another thread. See, I follow, too! 

Seems to me that the "how" needs to be your focus for now. You're so concerned about your pwBPD and I totally understand that. But you can't be any good for him or your r/s until you get yourself straight. I honestly only went to T initially to satisfy my H but I am so grateful for him now. It is so powerful to have someone who REALLY knows what you're going through and (1) reassures you of your own sanity, and (2) helps you find healthy ways of coping. My T is even really good at finding encouraging signs in my r/s. He helps me feel not so hopeless. If I wasn't seeing my T I wouldn't have recognized that my H is self-soothing tonight (explained on another thread) instead of continuing to rage. T also helped me realize that detaching is not about not caring or caring less but about letting go of feeling responsible for my pwBPD and refusing to let pwBPD have control over me. Even when the branches of a tree intertwine, they are still separate trees and separate branches getting their needs met on their own. 

[Grey Kitty]

  I just wanted to say that your attic sounds delightful and fantastic for you to have, and if I could pipe an ocean view in to it for you, I would    

Keep your refuge safe, secure, and strong!

That and that at least for fresh bloodstains, hydrogen peroxide does wonders Not sure how much it helps with old ones.

[arabella]

hey there - thanks for following along!

I read your other thread too... .  Sounds like a rough spot for you right now. Hope you're hanging in there and that you can keep your 'why' in mind through all this!  

I'm not quite sure what it is that I've said lately, but people keep telling me to do more work on/for myself. I must be missing something somewhere but I can't figure it out. I might start a new thread... .  hmm... .  

[byasliver]

We are saying it because we see in your writings what we once could not see in ourselves. It's hard to understand the need to work on yourself while also accepting that our partner is mentally ill. But even those whose partners have severe physical disabilities know the value of treating theirselves, too. We care, arabella 

No need for an ocean view: I can create whatever view I wish thanks to modern technology but thanks for the offer! 

I am hanging on to my "why" even though it's tough. It really helps to think of it like Alzheimer's or something similar. He isn't choosing this path willingly or knowingly: who would? It's just all he knows and is capable of. He is coping with tremendous fear and stress. It isn't talked about much here, but I pray for him, too. I have faith: in him, me, us and in something bigger.

I still haven't asked D16 about her jeans but since she hasn't mentioned them, I guess the stain came out ok. Her legs are still sore but a butterfly bandage has helped. Hoping the worst of the soreness will be gone by tomorrow.

[MockingbirdHL]

I would answer the WHY for the same reasons you did, byasilver.  Because the good times really are good. And I truly believe he can't help a lot of his behavior. Long ago after the first huge explosion my best friend kept asking me why I was staying?  Why bother?  Find someone with less problems, who is less work etc. I kept saying that not only do I LOVE him but if he had some other medical illness - cancer, MS, or affliction - Tourette's, say - would I leave him?  No. She is a medical professional and I thought that would resonate with her. It didn't. Or maybe she was too outraged with his treatment of me at the time?  Now ... .  Three years later she's seen this several times; she knows how it is, how he is, and she likens it to addiction. She says you love them, you want the best for them and you don't want to give up on them. You just take one day at a time.

I hope he gives me the chance to take each of those days one at a time with him.

As for the HOW ... .  I don't know yet. I don't know how I've stayed this long.  I don't know how I've endured this. Conviction?  Stubbornness?  Fear of failure?  Codependency?  Or (e) All of the above.

When he leaves and subjects me to the silent treatment does it OCCUR to him that I'm preparing myself for the worst, trying to detach, getting angry at him?   I'm not necessarily ANGRY when I see him during these times, I'm more HURT for my pain and his pain. It hurts me to see him struggling with his feelings etc.   But when he's gone I find myself getting ANGRIER and more RESENTFUL.  Is that what he wants, for me to get fed up and just give up?

I hardly know anymore.

[Grey Kitty]

Gack, the silent treatment is soo tough. I've been through more of it than I care to experience in my lifetime!   

When he leaves and subjects me to the silent treatment does it OCCUR to him that I'm preparing myself for the worst, trying to detach, getting angry at him?   I'm not necessarily ANGRY when I see him during these times, I'm more HURT for my pain and his pain. It hurts me to see him struggling with his feelings etc.   But when he's gone I find myself getting ANGRIER and more RESENTFUL.  Is that what he wants, for me to get fed up and just give up?

I hardly know anymore.

That anger and resentment is a very real feeling... .  and I'd treat it like a warning light on the dashboard saying "check engine" or some such.

It could be saying that you are focusing too much energy on him, and not enough on taking care of yourself. Have you read our workshop on that yet?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

It also might be saying that you are accepting stuff from him that you really can't afford to, and you need to set some new boundaries.