Do they difine things differently

[benny2]

I was sitting here thinking about something my ex said to me. He stood in front of me and bold faced told me he has not cheated on  me since we started seeing each other 2 years ago. I know its a lie, I caught him sneaking over to his ex's house. He also told me more than once that his ex would constantly accuse him of cheating and he was. I reminded him of that and he said yeah but that was with so and so (a woman from his past). Does he define cheating as being with someone new? Does he think that as long as he was cheating with someone from his past that is not considered cheating? Maybe its his way of looking at it to convince himself he did nothing wrong. I don't know but its very distorting thinking.

[Lady31]

No.  He KNOWS very well what he has done and that he is lying.  That's it - they really can bold faced lie to us.   I caught my H lying about many thing towards the end.  He was obviously so believable earlier on.  That was the hardest part to believe and accept about him.

[SWLSR]

My exBPDw did the same thing they lie and about everything.  They will continue to lie and theybalways will

[Surnia]

Yes, quite possible that your ex define things differently than you. We all do this to a certain grade and when it is very different it creates a lot of frustration and pain.

One of the reasons that you are here on Leaving... .   

He is what he is and you are here starting to detach.

What can you do to yourself to stop little bit the thinking about your ex? Did you have friends you neglected a bit in the last time? Or what about a bit walk out? Or reorganizing your apartment a bit?

[Validation78]

Hey Benny!

As Surnia said, they very well may define things differently than we do. It's that darn twisted thinking that kept us wondering if we were crazy.

I have actually chronicled a lot of the one liners he used over and over in an attempt to make me see things from his perspective, and with such credibility! Now I chuckle at some of them, and look at them as gifts and reminders of how dysfunctional the relationship is. Every time I think about it, I am reassured that I am not crazy, and that leaving this relationship is very healthy!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[benny2]

I know leaving the relationship was the best thing for me. I am doing better this time than before. It hurts and I miss the companionship more than anything but I do not miss the deceptions. I refrained from taking a ride past his house last night because I wanted to see if anyone was there. I just wanted to know if that is why he was treating me this way. I have this feeling it may be a friend of mine from work as he was asking about her a while back. It would kill me if it is because I have confided in her about everything I went through with him. She was sopose to contact me last night to meet out for a drink and never did. I sure hope I am wrong.

[Validation78]

Good for you for not giving into your curiosity! The knowledge may do you more harm than good. Only you know.

In the meantime, reach out to others to keep busy. Have you considered doing some volunteer work? If you need a distraction, seek out things to do that you would not ordinarily do. Think out of the box a bit, just move, and find joy elsewhere! It's within your reach!

Best Wishes,

Val78 

[Take2]

I agree with what has been said here... .    at least in my experience, my exBPD-bf clearly defined things so that it conformed to his needs.  And his need is to confirm that I am the one cheating.  I have never cheated on him.  I would never cheat on him.  But he seems to NEED to believe that I did and/or will - so that he can push away a person (me) who he truly loves. 

An example, a week and a half ago, we were supposed to have dinner after work one day and that day was extremely stressful for him (work reasons).  So he left work before me and accused me of flirting with his boss (I wasn't even TALKING to his boss, I was talking to a different coworker completely and NOT flirting at all, yet he managed to convince himself I was flirting with his boss).  So I called him after I left the office to see if he had relaxed and wanted to see me?  No.  I was upset and told him he was truly hurting me.  I told him I was on my way to the gym.  I went and worked out for 1.5 hours, then went home for the night and did not text or call him again.  He started texting at 4am to accuse me of not being at gym, but having gone out.  Why?  because of course he stalked me at the gym - which means that immediately after we hung up from our call, he had to have driven to my gym-which was PACKED -and I found a spot different fromwhere he looked.  But yet still out in front of the gym.  But he somehow poorly stalked me and didn't see my car.

I have wanted to drive past his house to see who might be there.  But NEVER do.

Like Validation78 said, it could seriously hurt you more if you do.

And what also prevents me from doing so is that I refuse to let myself cross that line.

They can truly make us feel crazy - keep focus on YOU and what will help YOU feel stronger... .    Believe in yourself and find what can make you happy... .  

[laelle]

I have wanted to drive past his house to see who might be there.  But NEVER do.

Like Validation78 said, it could seriously hurt you more if you do.

And what also prevents me from doing so is that I refuse to let myself cross that line.

They can truly make us feel crazy - keep focus on YOU and what will help YOU feel stronger... .   Believe in yourself and find what can make you happy... .  



This is the same attitude that I have had to come to terms with.  If I look and find nothing, what does that really give me?  Nothing

If I look and I find something, that will hurt and set me back.  I have stopped checking anything of my ex's even tho its tempting.

I have to move forward.