OOPS missed the top bit - copied from the welcome board and moved to here on good recommendation:
######
Hi all. My wife and I have seperated. I was becoming more and more detached and simply couldn't manage anymore. I was actually diagnosed the Cumulative Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood and Anxiety.
Four wonderful kids. High worth; well in the millions. She just kept milking and milking and being like a vampire sucking everything dry. I didn't use good stress management techniques and thought I could "manage on my own" - I am pretty capable and clever but simply not up to the abilities required to manage her.
So; as a pre-emptive strike she takes $500,000 off a joint line of credit, kicks me out of the house, changes the locks, files a restraining order on me under false pretenses, and that's been my life over the last two months! Oh did I mention she is a para-legal who specializes in working with people in high conflict divorces! All her friends/associates (current - no old friends!) are either going through their own high conflict divorces or are lawyers who do them.
My reaction has been mainly to self heal + prepare for a high conflict divorce.
I thought a lot about things and thought it would be wise to extend an open hand and ask to work to reconcilliation. Amazingly, she is SOMEWHAT receptive to this and we are talking; carefully. I am not certain if this is sincere or tactical on her part. It may be both.
I do NOT want a high conflict divorce; I may actually do very well with it I have a lot of documented abusive behaviour on her part towards many people including the kids, myself and others. However it is a huge risk and I KNOW it will be damaging to the children.
I want to keep all options open; very very complex situation. Very open to hear others thoughts and experiences.
*****
Kids aged 6, 10, 12, and 15.
She has not been diagnosed. I am doing some dangerous extrapolation. Perhaps she is NPD? Or Bipolar? Or something... . Note she is medicated on Dexedrine, Cipralex, and Wellbutrin. Has been on this cocktail for at least 10 years. I note Dexedrine has noted side effects in > 1% of population that describe her current state.g
Irrespective learning better tools to cope with a BPD person may well be helpful but need to be careful.
She was abused as a child by neighbor boy and has a father with issues, hostile and mean and beyond opinionated etc. I don't think she's ever fully gotten by those two issues.
The options I prefer to high conflict divorce are reconciliation (with great self care, tools, support!), flight (I have a lot of $$$, currently almost all in my name and under my control). Normal divorce and co or parallel parenting I do not believe realistic. I honestly do not know the chances of reconciliation. She is warmer some times and cold as hell as some times. Not physically seeing but talking on the phone in the last week. Two talks 30 minutes and one 2.5 hours. They went well. I am employing empathic listening (newly learned, sigh... . ) and NOT placing any expectations on her for change or expressing my desires for change.
Live in Canada so the laws may be quite different but yes need to know more and more and more about it. BTW have extensive "goods" on her in terms of electronic communications (email, text, phone) that would prove very useful in custody battle. She would have to rely on (mostly) making stuff up as she has done so far.
At this point, I would REALLY REALLY REALLY like pointers and tips in understanding how best to communicate, give space, how much to give and how much to persue, etc etc etc to maximize the chances of defrosting her and getting real engagement going.
*******
We have been together for 23 years and married almost 20.
No other breakups in the past. For the past maybe 6 years she has been dropping the "I want a divorce" bombshell.
Did I mention that she gets "wildly involved" in things; at expense to other parts of her life. So she gets into Mary Kay some years ago and puts enormous hours into it; it blows up in her face as she pisses off the people around her. Her latest "wildly involved" thing has been working on OTHER PEOPLE's high conflict divorces pro bono. What a thing to want to be around... . She takes sides and is incredibly combative to the other party she is tilting against. She did this for a few months for pay until December 2010, when she blew up with the lawyer she'd been working with. That ended badly when she reported the other lawyer to the law society... .
White to Black... . Has done this time and time again. As a result has no long term friends that she has had much to do with. She does have a few long term friends but the circumstances to those friendships are that they've drifted apart without a blowup due to circumstances and seldom have contact; yet she clings to those few instances as examples she DOES have long term friends and relationships.
Tiny bits of Black to White - she has since tried to make up with that lawyer she reported to the law society, out of self-interest I presume. But interesting reflection on psychology.
So in essence what I am seeking is some tools and techniques to communicate, and to influence the thinking to try to get back to White. She has actually specifically warned me that once she crosses the line and paints someone black she finds it incredibly hard to pull back from that. So some self-awareness, this may be very useful.
OK here is a specific situation - after some nice and long phone calls in the past week she has gone radio silent. What the heck? Not returned calls etc. Should I just sit back for a period (3 days? More?) and no contact.
Per the links on invalidating and validating, I think employing empathic listening skills which are generally useful on anyone would take a PILE OF WIND out of the sails of a BPD. This technique if very well explained in this article, also it is on MP3 too check it out
www.nature.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7article/article40.htm
