Changes

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After the separation and the discovery of so many lies I just crashed. I felt like a hollow woman. I would get up in the morning, go to work, smile and do my job and come home empty, scarcely remembering what happened during the day. I wasn't lonely or angry, I was just empty. That was two years ago and I've begun thinking about how the trauma of discovering my xBPDh's  other life changed me. 

I move at a slower pace, thinking things through, a less spontaneous person.

I have a leftover sadness in me.

I am more aware of my feelings.

I am less trusting.

I find I truly care about what other people are going through with a compassion that wasn't previously there.

I have less tolerance for BS.

I put more investment into relationships and less on things.

I am living more for the day rather then the future.

I have more peace within me.

I don't know if I like this newly aware person better then the old one who was easily and blissfully deceived, I'm still getting to know me. But I do think what I was given is a gift even though it can be hard to see that at times. 

[Cumulus]

After the separation and the discovery of so many lies I just crashed. I felt like a hollow woman. I would get up in the morning, go to work, smile and do my job and come home empty, scarcely remembering what happened during the day. I wasn't lonely or angry, I was just empty. That was two years ago and I've begun thinking about how the trauma of discovering my xBPDh's  other life changed me. 

I move at a slower pace, thinking things through, a less spontaneous person.

I have a leftover sadness in me.

I am more aware of my feelings.

I am less trusting.

I find I truly care about what other people are going through with a compassion that wasn't previously there.

I have less tolerance for BS.

I put more investment into relationships and less on things.

I am living more for the day rather then the future.

I have more peace within me.

I don't know if I like this newly aware person better then the old one who was easily and blissfully deceived, I'm still getting to know me. But I do think what I was given is a gift even though it can be hard to see that at times. 

[heartandwhole]

Great insights, Cumulus, thank you for sharing.  I, too, think the BPD r/s was a gift, and yet, I still have residual uncomfortable physical symptoms and sensitivities which seem to be hanging around one year out... .   Though I have seen some subtle changes in them recently.

What an unexpected journey.  I certainly can't say that my life has been boring 

Wishing you the best,

heartandwhole

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow.  I pretty much share your list line for line.  Kinda spooky, but not surprising on these boards.

I noticed I grow, then plateau, then grow, then plateau.  I'd been on the latest plateau for a while when she showed up, actually too long, and then went through what we go through with BPD types, up, down, way down, back up, and I choose to believe the place I'm in now if the next climb for me.  It actually feels good and right, not that it has changed me as much as pushed me forward in a direction I was headed, but not as fast, without that BPD boot in my ass.

One thing I don't have anymore is a sadness.  I definitely went through grieving, but that was related to her, and now I feel much more prepared for the stellar relationship in my future, so I'm optimistic.

Thanks for the connection.

[Diligence]

What a lovely post, Cumulus!  Thank you for sharing it with us!

I like the person you describe.  

Your reflection prompts me to think about how wishing many things never happened to me is to imagine I can somehow control all the factors that affect my life.  In truth, the only control that I am learning to positively use is over myself.

We don't know what the next moment will bring us, do we?  That you took the time to reflect on how your experiences have shaped you is fantastic.

I think these are the type of insights that belong when taking personal inventory of ourselves.  

I appreciate your post.  

Warm regards!

[Cumulus]

Hi fhth, I too, found the growth came in stages, it still feels like a game I used to play as a child called, Mother May I. You'd ask if you could take a giant step, or two baby steps or leaps forward and the "mother" would tell you yes or she could tell you to take that many steps back. I never realized as a six year old that I was really practising for a game called life.

Diligence, thank you, you are such an encouraging soul. The reflections came as I realized how different I am as a person now. My personality has changed considerably. I always believed ones inner self would always be the same but I don't believe that anymore. Do you feel like your personality has changed from when you first began to question and understand?

Heartandwhole, a gift, not one I would ever have chosen, but one that has allowed me to feel life in a way that I don't think I would have otherwise. I think I would have continued on in my own materialistic, self centred universe, happily unaware of the depth of emotions available to us.

My xMIL passed away yesterday. She too had a PD, hers undiagnosed. She didn't want a funeral, how sad not to want a funeral because there wouldn't be anyone to come and say goodbye. Like so many with PD she caused huge emotional turmoil in the lives of those around her, yet was capable of acts of kindness so endearing that you would draw close, only to be slapped away. I feel sad when I think of her life with so little love in it. She abandoned a daughter to a terrible situation and raised two sons, both with personality disorders. (Oddly, the daughter who dealt with abandonment from her mother and abuse in the place she was raised is a warm, loving and compassionate person.) I also feel anger towards her because she took so many lies and secrets to the grave with her. Some of those lies and secrets belonged to other people and now they will never know the answers.

[Diligence]

Dear Cumulus,

I think my personality is undergoing an incremental make-over.  I'm more in favor of the miraculous, but I've noticed that God's timing is not mine.   

Hope you are having a pleasant day.  I am facing a counter full of dishes to wash.     But, I am also looking forward to getting together with a group of friends this evening.

I suppose it is so obvious to a healthy person, but I am starting to promise myself rewards for doing the many mundane things I wish did not exist (like dirty dishes).  Seeing friends tonight is something to look forward to.

Warm regards!