ouch

[leftbehind]

I wish his love had been real.

[Clearmind]

It was real for him.

When thinking of the word "love" - what do you see it meaning?

[leftbehind]

Commitment, loyalty, hanging in there with someone.  Forgiveness.  Giving someone a second chance.  Allowing things to deepen and get better and better each passing year, instead of leaving when the glitz and thrill first leave.  Going to the next level. 

We were only together for 8 months, although we knew each other for 3 years before that.  I think if he had stayed, we would have moved on to a deeper level of intimacy.  But instead it seemed the love came on really strong for him, and then started to fade after 6 months.  Still, he told me he was incredibly in love with me 4 days before wanting to break up.  He told me he loved me 3 times the day before wanting to break up.  He was cold and detached while breaking up, as if we had only been the most casual of aqaintances, and he couldn't go on being my aquaintance any more.

I'm having horrible dreams of seeing his other side, his mask slipping and him showing me contempt.  I only saw that during the breakup for the very first time ever.  He didn't even look like the same person I had been dating.  It was awful.

I think this has been like a beautiful dream turned into a nightmare of abandonment, by someone who told me over and over how they loved me.  Two weeks before the breakup, he left me a funny message where he said, "Yep, you're stuck with me" - it made me so happy.

I can't believe it, and still want to make it my fault that he left - like I was "bad" so the love disappeared. 

[Clearmind]

leftbehind, Borderlines fear intimacy so you saw it all - there was nothing left to see. He also fears abandonment and engulfment - complete opposites of one another which creates a push/pull.

You cannot fix him - as much as you tried to - its not your fault. He is an adult that needs to save himself.

Your definition of love is pretty telling - I for one am sure I never had that in my relationship - don't know about you.

[leftbehind]

I don't understand.  What is my definition of love telling of?

[Clearmind]

Commitment, loyalty, hanging in there with someone.  Forgiveness.  Giving someone a second chance.  Allowing things to deepen and get better and better each passing year, instead of leaving when the glitz and thrill first leave.  Going to the next level. 

I agree with your points here left behind - I will add that love for me is about mutual trust and respect. Most importantly, for me its not about changing each other but rather accepting each other for what they show us to be.

I spent my entire relationship attempting to change my partner and he certainly tried to change me. Neither of us trusted or respected one another - in time, and I am 2 years out now - I realize more and more that my ex and I were no more compatible than we were in love. Our bond with each other was more out of need - the need to be loved.

[VeryFree]

After the first six months my r/s didn't go deeper into intimacy anymore.

And we were together for about ten years.

[leftbehind]

the funny thing is, for both he and I we were the first people to fully accept certain things about each other.  so it really seemed like a good fit, not like we were trying to make it fit just to have someone else.  I've been in those relationships before, and I know the difference.  It seemed so seamless.  

I understand about mirroring, but I know that whatever my ex mirrored in me (my spiritual beliefs, ways of practicing, my business skills, even cooking) he's now adopted as his own.  Almost like he assimilated all he thought he needed from me, and doesn't need me anymore.  Like now it's time to "grow" through having a new relationship with someone else who can teach him different things that he can then assimilate and make his own.

[leftbehind]

VeryScared & Clearmind, I see both your points.  That maybe while I was gearing up to go to the next level of intimacy, he was downshifting.  Like his maximum capacity for intimacy had been reached, so it's time to leave the relationship.  Is that what you both had experienced in your relationships with BPD persons?

[Clearmind]

Yes he mirrored you and others to make himself feel whole - Borderlines lack a sense of self. Its unfortunate that this is not sustainable left behind.

Our partners jump to another relationship quickly, because they cannot be on their own.

VeryScared & Clearmind, I see both your points.  That maybe while I was gearing up to go to the next level of intimacy, he was downshifting.  Like his maximum capacity for intimacy had been reached, so it's time to leave the relationship.  Is that what you both had experienced in your relationships with BPD persons?

Yes my friend! He got close, close enough to then feel the need to push you away - fear of abandonment and engulfment.

Is it what I experienced - Oh yes! My relationship seemed great for about 4 months then it slowly withered away to a state of nothingness.

[leftbehind]

thank you both for responding.  it's been a tough morning, with thoughts that I'll never find another love running through my head.  This contact helped.  I'm going to try and get a little more sleep now before starting my day... .  

[VeryFree]

The first months were great. But at the moment things should go deeper, they didn’t. The problems started, the secrets, the strange behavior.

But there was always a reason I found to don’t see the big picture.

Looking back she never has had any form of deep intimacy with anybody. Not in her childhood and because of that lack, not after that. At first I thought we went deep, but it was just in the first couple of months.

[babyducks]

Hmmm,  I don't know about gearing up to the next stage of intimacy, for me it felt like whenever I started to relax and think ahhh things are going good now, BAM some issue came out of the wood work that escalated into emotional mayhem. That's part of what was so puzzling for me.  We were so working for different goals.  I was striving for stability and calm and she need the stimulation level to be about 5 pegs higher than I could stand on a daily basis.

[Siamese Rescue]

Leftbehind,

Yet again, another thread where your words could be my words. Your descriptions of yourself and your BPD partner and how you define things, how they behave, etc.  All of it is truly identical.  When I met my ex-boyfriend seven years ago it was as if we just found each other.  The relationship just happened between us.  It's hard to describe.  I wish I had known then what I know now.

[lhd981]

I can relate very well to this; especially leftbehind's definition of love. Let's just say that I forgave a lot.

Digging deeper into my BPD exgf's past, I've found some of the people that she was close to, including the man before me that she was "in love with" but could not have as he was married, much older, etc. It was actually of very little surprise when I saw how many of her views on life and spirituality were directly mirrored from him; not to mention the so-called "sacred" bond we had with our very specific musical tastes; they were all mirrored from this man.

Just like leftbehind's exbf, mine seemed to have adopted/mirrored certain traits from me as well, that she uses to the day. Though she'll likely claim that she just "grew and learned" from US, not that she outright mirrored.

I often wonder if her love had been real; but like a friend told me over the weekend when discussing my ex and all her mirroring, it was almost as if I was "in love with myself" with how much she mirrored/reflected (and my friend meant that in a non negative/narcissistic sense).