My Mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

She was diagnosed (unbeknownst to her) with BPD about a year ago. I always knew something was off about her. I am the youngest of two and has always been the baby of the family. Little did I know, being the youngest is a curse when you have a BPD mother.  She has always treated me as though I am an extension of her, as if I am going to live the life she never got to live. Growing up she was so hot and cold to me. I won't bore you with the details, because as I have read previous posts, they seem to have similar things happen.

Since her diagnosis everyone in my family seems to use it as an excuse. My father, whom I have become his only means of support and his means of venting, seems to think she will just 'snap out of it.' Since her diagnosis she only seems to get worse (it may be because I now know the signs and symptoms.) a few months ago she got so mad at me and was screaming horrible things at me while I was in the passenger seat. The whole time she was speeding and flipping u-turns in the middle of a very busy street going 45 miles per hour. When she finally pulled over to get directions in a neighborhood I tried to get out of the car. She then slammed on the gas and flipped the car around. I was holding on for my life to the door frame hoping I wouldn't fall out and have her tire run me over.

I forgave her even though she never apologized. That was the beginning of my feelings to cut ties. Recently I have hit the point where I have to cut ties for my own health and sanity. My long term boyfriend and I are moving away due to a position he was offered. We are moving thousands of miles away and I thought that this would be good thing. He has been gone in training for two months and will be for two more, but then we are off.

I went over to my mothers the other day to see her and make sure she was doing well. After hours of an amazingly happy time talking with her she turned in a monster. She started telling me all these horrible things about how my boyfriend is going to kill me and that I shouldn't be going with him and that she would kill him for taking me away and then hurting me (which is weird because he has never given her any reason to believe that he would harm me.) after that she told me that she would rather me be back with my abusive ex-boyfriend than with the wonderful man I am with now. Ouch. Then she proceeded to call my father after I had left and say the same to him. While he was trying to convince her that he is not a bad guy she said "I need to find a way to make sure she doesn't leave with him." Then she mad egos on her threat. She called his work while he's in training and made up horrible lies about him. I received a call from his boss asking me all of these off the wall questions about his integrity and personality.

He has currently not had any of his bosses ask him about this, but it is coming. I am so furious, that I can't see straight. I was wondering if anyone had any advise on how to cut ties with her and if it is a good idea. Also, how can I stop having these panic attacks that have started recently. I feel so darn depressed and shakey that I have trouble doing anything more than wake up in the morning. Thank you.

[Katiecat]

She was diagnosed (unbeknownst to her) with BPD about a year ago. I always knew something was off about her. I am the youngest of two and has always been the baby of the family. Little did I know, being the youngest is a curse when you have a BPD mother.  She has always treated me as though I am an extension of her, as if I am going to live the life she never got to live. Growing up she was so hot and cold to me. I won't bore you with the details, because as I have read previous posts, they seem to have similar things happen.

Since her diagnosis everyone in my family seems to use it as an excuse. My father, whom I have become his only means of support and his means of venting, seems to think she will just 'snap out of it.' Since her diagnosis she only seems to get worse (it may be because I now know the signs and symptoms.) a few months ago she got so mad at me and was screaming horrible things at me while I was in the passenger seat. The whole time she was speeding and flipping u-turns in the middle of a very busy street going 45 miles per hour. When she finally pulled over to get directions in a neighborhood I tried to get out of the car. She then slammed on the gas and flipped the car around. I was holding on for my life to the door frame hoping I wouldn't fall out and have her tire run me over.

I forgave her even though she never apologized. That was the beginning of my feelings to cut ties. Recently I have hit the point where I have to cut ties for my own health and sanity. My long term boyfriend and I are moving away due to a position he was offered. We are moving thousands of miles away and I thought that this would be good thing. He has been gone in training for two months and will be for two more, but then we are off.

I went over to my mothers the other day to see her and make sure she was doing well. After hours of an amazingly happy time talking with her she turned in a monster. She started telling me all these horrible things about how my boyfriend is going to kill me and that I shouldn't be going with him and that she would kill him for taking me away and then hurting me (which is weird because he has never given her any reason to believe that he would harm me.) after that she told me that she would rather me be back with my abusive ex-boyfriend than with the wonderful man I am with now. Ouch. Then she proceeded to call my father after I had left and say the same to him. While he was trying to convince her that he is not a bad guy she said "I need to find a way to make sure she doesn't leave with him." Then she mad egos on her threat. She called his work while he's in training and made up horrible lies about him. I received a call from his boss asking me all of these off the wall questions about his integrity and personality.

He has currently not had any of his bosses ask him about this, but it is coming. I am so furious, that I can't see straight. I was wondering if anyone had any advise on how to cut ties with her and if it is a good idea. Also, how can I stop having these panic attacks that have started recently. I feel so darn depressed and shakey that I have trouble doing anything more than wake up in the morning. Thank you.

[doubleAries]

Hi Katiecat and 

Sounds like you've come to the right place! We all understand the emotional roller coaster you are on.

We have lots of great resources here--videos, articles, work shops, chat groups--to help you learn about BPD and learn how to cope with/heal from your experiences. This is a really good article How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children and here is an article about panic attacks you may find useful What is a panic attack? How to deal with them.

My mother also is a BPD. I cut ties with her many years ago, but find I still have issues that need to be dealt with. Are in any kind of counseling? How did your mom come to be diagnosed (without her knowing)?

doubleAries

[Being Mindful]

Dear Katiecat,

Stopping by to give you a warm welcome. I'm glad you are here and sorry that you are suffering.

DoubleAries gave you some great links. I hope you have time to look at them. They are very helpful.

How about your sibling and how are they handling this?

Have you talked to your dad about going no contact with your mom?

Keep reading and posting here. It helps a lot and we want to help.

Being Mindful

[skelly_bean]

Hi Katiecat,

I'm so sorry to hear this. Even just reading your story makes ME see red. I know how borderline mothers can ruin things. She is obviously in panic mode because she feels like she's being abandoned. The rule of thumb with my mother after she starts saying insane things to strangers is that me or my siblings call a meeting with the person she talked to. We sit down and explain the situation as clearly as possible.

My mother made my grandfather's financial advisor's life a living hell. She would call him and scream at him. My sister had to beg him to continue to be my grandpa's advisor. I have lost countless opportunities because of my mother's illness so I empathize so much with you about this.

Take good care of yourself, try to be proactive with your boyfriend's boss. Make the extra effort to explain, best in person, what happened and why. Even maybe printing out a description of a borderline's symptoms because people often don't know what borderline is.

And get the heck out!

Wishing you all the best with this... .  

Skelly

[Katiecat]

Thank you all so much. I appreciate the kind words. My mothers therapist has dropped hints and told us without telling us about her condition. I have spoken with my dad and he says ":)o what you need to do." But he sounds a little disappointed because I was the only other one who truly knows how she is. My sister doesn't fully understand and doesn't really have the time to deal with it due to her newborn being in the hospital.

It's so hard because my dad travels majority of the week and my other siblings live out of state. She has cut out everyone in her life and so I feel bad, but I know I need to do this for myself and my own family. I just feel terrible for my dad. Is it wrong that I wish he would just leave her?

Thanks for the links, I hope they will help bring more comfort. I really do appreciate have other people who have had similar experiences. I was going to a therapist, but my schedule with planning the move and working all the time has made it quite difficult. Going to a therapist made me feel like I complain and there really wasn't much to talk about with my therapist. My dad has offered to pay for me to go back, but I not know if I can bring myself to do it.

Thanks again guys. I am so grateful for the support.

[boatingwoman]

In my opinion, any threat made by a mentally ill person needs to be taken seriously.  She threatened to kill your boyfriend (in those words) and then backed it up with an intimidating behavior (she called his training for his career).

Where I am at with this, I'd call the police and report her.  At the point I am with my BPDs, I am looking to get a paper trail on her destructions and intimidations.

This is strictly me.  I realize you may be just starting this journey and so any movement you make is a terrific positive that should be celebrated.   

I would suggest you make a crisis plan for what might happen if she does A, B,C. 

Hang in there!