How do I disconnect with my BPD Mother?

[shea]

I just want to be free from my 37 year prison sentence with my Borderline Personality Disorder mother. I have recently set boundaries, but she does not respect them. She calls. She comes over uninvited and she says that she will not give up. Every time I see her or hear her voice I am unable to shake the stress for days, which is not healthy for me because I am having a high risk pregnancy.

I have set the following boundaries which I thought were fair for her: she can visit my daughter the day after the birth at the hospital only; she can visit with both of my children on her birthday and on their birthday's. No holidays because she always ruins them. No exceptions. I do not want a relationship with her and would prefer no contact but with my children involved I feel like limited exposure is the best answer for them.

Please help me. How do I deal with her coming over? How do I deal with her incessant phone calls? When she calls I normally don't answer. When she comes over I ask her to leave and not indulge her with a fight or conversation. Do I need a restraining order?

[KEnsign27]

I have a mother just like yours except she doesn't come to my house uninvited she comes to my sisters house uninvited.  Honestly I think you are doing the right things now, ignore her phone calls and just ask her to leave when she shows up or do not answer the door.  If does not leave your house when asked or she acts out of control then it might be time to involve the police. 

I understand wanting to be free of your mother with this kind of disorder, I'm 33 years and I have just decided this year that I'm no longer going to have contact with my mother until she desides to obide by my guidelines (which right now she refuses to do).  Its been rough and she tries every month or so to have contact with me but I just keep reiterating that to have a relationship she MUST follow my guidelines. 

[shea]

Thank you for responding to my post. I thought being her daughter was the most difficult part of my journey, but now separating from her is proving to be even harder. I guess it is her fear of abandonment that makes it so difficult. She is a typical waif and I have learned from my aunt that she has threatened suicide. I asked for my aunts to please contact the police if she threatens suicide again. They have agreed. I believe I should not fuel that behavior by getting involved.

It's amazing to find a community of people that understand what it is like to be an adult child with a mother with BPD. My friends can not relate and I feel judgement from others because I don't want to see her.

Good Luck on your journey and thanks again for reaching out.

[Cordelia]

I don't have a lot of practical advice to add but I wanted to express my support for your decision to keep some distance between you and your mother right now.  It's really important to take care of yourself during a high risk pregnancy, even though I know myself it's hard to slow down and stop doing everything (including managing your mother!) that you usually do.  But think what a good example it sets for your other kids too, to see their mother able to distance herself from negative influences in order to create a more peaceful environment for all of your immediate family.  It's really not so different than confronting a frightening unstable neighbor or a dangerous dog or a school bully.  I don't have a lot of sympathy for the idea of "grandparents' rights" in the case of grandparents who were/are abusive.  They decided to treat you terribly, now they have to deal with consequences.  It's really not you that's causing them pain, it's simple cause and effect.

[shea]

Thank you for your response. I had my healthy baby and my mother moved back to her home state, which is over 2,000 miles away. What a blessing! The phone calls are for a different thread.

Thanks for the feedback. I hope this thread reaches someone who needs it. Life is tough with a borderline mother, especially when you are pregnant.

[Jenniferhurts]

When I disconnected with my mother it was the hardest thing I ever did but it finally helped me to heal. You really don't want your kids to feel the effects of that. I changed my phone number my email address and got a restraining order because she was harrassing me at work and was coming over to scream at me at four in the morning. This may seem extremely harsh but in the end I had to do what I had to to recover from the stress and the nerves of being around her. I'm sorry that you are going through this but sometimes you have to put your health and your kids first