Intensity versus Intimacy

[maria1]

And no surprises: the kinds of relationship where this could happen were generally intense (i.e, falling in love, feel as if we've always known each other, complete enmeshment).

I'm not sure I have ever had a relationship that didn't start in this falsely intimate way. With this intensity and a false sense of closeness that really isn't intimacy at all. I am still not sure if I am afraid of intimacy or if I am more craving it from the very people who can't give it to me, because of my FOO script.

But so many people seem to want to start relationships that way- I'm realising it's the norm that's skewed and it's what we are set up to think of as true love, when it's nothing of the sort. It's an illusion.

[Phoenix.Rising]

And so this is why so many of my first relationships were ones that begun with "instant" intimacy.  They were full of intensity (what I called passion) and drama.  Because only then would my insecurities and anxieties be swept up and carried off.  And this is why I had so many relationships with pwBPD; like a moth to the flame.

Then again it seems appropriate: if I am afraid of intimacy, who better should I court than women who are incapable of intimacy.

This is true for me as well.  I've been talking with my therapist about what it looks like to have real intimacy with a woman.  She says I need to date a mature, stable, emotionally available woman.  I understand what she is saying, but it is a bit frightening.  Not as much as it used to be, though.  I believe my Mom has BPD, and I've been discussing that with my therapist as well and how it has affected my relationships with women.

I'm very drawn to women who offer a false sense of self and intensity from the get go.  This does bypass what should be a natural progression of really getting to know someone on an emotional and intellectual level.  I would hold back a lot of who I really was w/exBPD because I could, and I don't think she wanted to go there with me anyway.  I didn't hold back on intensity so much, but I did on intimacy, a lot. 

Part of me did want to go there with her (more intimacy), but I saw it wasn't possible.  When I tried to have deep conversations with her, she would get very flustered and usually terminate the conversation.  This is the same dynamic with my mother. 

I told my therapist I loved my ex, though.  And I did.  I'm still not completely over her.  But it was not a very functional relationship.  In fact, it was becoming torturous.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm destined to play the emotional caretaker role in these types of relationships, but I don't think so.  I want to be with someone who is capable of intimacy.  Am I willing? 

[fromheeltoheal]

My r/s with by BPD ex was so completely the wrong way to do it, in hindsight, that the whole experience has forced the question What's the right way?  I'm thinking it's about being present and paying attention right from the beginning and continuously, looking for compatibility in this person, realizing real love is sustainable and grows stronger as it matures, and visualizing what life would be like, what the r/s would be like, a year down the road, 5 years down the road, and does it seem right with this person?  Impossible to tell and there are no guarantees, but being present and aware and not ignoring red flags, and discussing sensitive subjects when they occur, instead of stuffing them to keep the peace, as in BPD hell, and not barging blindly ahead.

And then at some point, let go.  New relationships have a pace, and are we trying to speed it up, slow it down, or go with the flow?  They don't call it walking in love or driving in love, they call it falling in love, and to fall is to be out of control, by definition.  And of course we're afraid of intimacy, since the more we expose ourselves to someone, the more extreme the rejection if it doesn't work, and the boundaries between where I stop and she starts blur, and we could feel we're losing ourselves.  But that's where all the bliss is too; the difference between falling and flying is one is comfortable and awesome.  And courage is not the absence of fear, but action in the face of it.  Our BPD experiences did not damage us, they educated us, on our way to the stellar r/s we deserve.