3 weeks NC thanks for the support

[Mark2430]

Thanks for the insight these boards have provided, I'm 3 weeks of NC right now and everytime I start to miss her I keep reminding myself that these things don't seem to turn out well, I keep telling myself that yes there were good times but those things aren't worth the other part, I don't know if she will attempt to contact me again, at this point I'm not even sure I would respond, I honestly think that it scared her how close we became, there were certain moments that were very intimate and all of a sudden she would push away hard, I figured then that she was struggling with the emotions of it all but I didn't know of BPD at the time, I know from talking to her friends that she fell for me hard and fast and that thu had never heard talk of a guy so much and in that way... .  So I believe I was special to her but I realize that that same connection is probably what pushed her away, and the fact that I didn't respond and chase her when she pushed initially... .  I guess only time will tell, and I figure that even if she did contact me and I don't think she will at this point, I don't want to go back into what seems like and endless cycle, anyone have a similar experience? Did you continue the cycle ?

[chuckstrong]

I ve been doing it or almost a year now. It sucks. 13 days my NC record. Even after a scathing email 4 weeks ago where she told me move on, im seeing someone, and please dont contact me again all it took was a pic of us hugging and kissing she sent me last week to reel me right back in. I cannot help myself literally. Ugh!

Chuck

[Mark2430]

Did she contact you after the 13 days or did you contact her?

[chuckstrong]

I saw her as i was pulling out of post office in my car... .  she texted me within 15 minutes... .  what are you doing in "my " town... .  you shouldnt be here etc. i responded nothing to do with you i wish you the best... .  a week later she sent me a photo of of hugging What the heck... .  that was last sunday... .  its CRAZY!

Chuck

[Mark2430]

Mine got upset with me for a stupid reason and then told me she was done with me, and she was going to block my number and then two days later she sends me a text saying how I hurt her and don't respond to the text, but I did which led to us talking all day and she became rude and I told her to knock it off and she kept going so I told her that I was done, I was tired of being hammered and accused of cheating and she went ballistic because I wasn't coming to see her the next day and stay with her for a week... .  ... .  So a week later I get a text telling me no guy will ever compare ever... .  and so I emailed her back that I missed her and loved her but didnt want to be treated disrespectfully and she unloaded on me again saying inwas cocky and she was never in love with me it was just a challenge to her because I'm nothing like the guys she usually dates ... .  I told her ok she meant alot to me but take care and I haven't heard from her in three weeks, I guess I'm a little concerned that she will do what yours did and try to suck me back in, but part of me thinks that after this long she probably won't 3 weeks seems like an eternity

[Hurt llama]

I'm also starting week three no contact after knowing her for years and me having ended it while engaged.

We played the push pull game (both of us) and she loves me deeply as she can but without the usual embellishments, I know that it's an impossible relationship.

I ended it with her 3 weeks ago... . Direct and clear and she was calm as she packed her stuff and left (she was visiting)

she and I exchanged some light texts and emails but finally i told her I couldn't be her friend or the family she said i was.

What was in it for me other than getting a dysfunctional 'fix'.

I have too much self respect to be her 'friend' as she will recycle ex's and always be there for me as the 'special one'. No thank you baby.

ANY contact right now is bad contact... .  not one word... . She left some clothes as she packed fast to leave... .  she knows it and it's an expensive suit and blouse... . but I can't bring myself to contacting her and even sending them back is an action... .  it's contact... .  and it will bother me to show her anything and even her expected ice cold response such as 'thx'... .  might set me off!

I'm taking it day by day getting stronger but not in a straight line.

Failure is not an option. This is first time of no contact ever... .  

Fun stuff.

[cska]

all it took was a pic of us hugging and kissing she sent me last week to reel me right back in. I cannot help myself literally. Ugh!

Chuck, yea I'm the same way. I'm NC right now, but its so easy to draw me back in. I feel paralyzed and unable to refuse. Its pathetic... .

[Mark2430]

I here ya... .  There are moments when I want to reach out and when I write something to her I read it and then I think to myself are you kidding me it's tough though, she would always tell me that once she broke up with someone that was it and she would never talk to them again, however while we were dating she would always tell me how her exes would contact her on facebook and when and then going out to lunch with her ex husband and another ex boyfriend tells me she doesn't cut contact so that's the part that worries me if she is a creature of habit then I think she will try... .  and depending on the day and time I may want to respond . Like I said before I think I threw her for a loop, I think she is used to guys chasing her, and putting up with it... .  

[cska]

Mark,

YES, mine kept in contact with her ex, and would hang out with him whenever "I would make her upset".  And she would act like she wanted to get back with him, and boy was he in turmoil. He would write her 6 page letters asking her to take him back. And they would always talk on fb. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PATHETIC GUY WHO HAS NO SPINE! Man, I want to find the power to make a decision and stick to it. I just want to escape this emotional abuse and leave with my head held high. But I always start to miss her terribly and come back. Its like I have no pride whatsoever!

[Mark2430]

I guess what helps me when I feel like I'm getting weak and want to contact her is I write her a letter to her talking about how I feel and then I don't send it, ill wait a little bit and then to back and read it thinking of all the cruel stuff she has said and attempts to make me jealous and I always end up deleting it and never sending it... .  it's hard I know, but I have to try to remain objective and tell myself that she may not love me because I won't let her walk all over me but ill respect myself and somewhere down deep inside she will respect me for not taking it ... .  did she always reach out to you or do you break down and reach out to her trust me I know the temptation

[cska]

Sometimes she reaches out, put primarily I break down and reach out to her. My problem is that my mind seems to disconnect "her" and "her BPD". So whenever I start to miss her, I remember the cruel stuff she did to me, but then my brain "jumps in" and says: "But that was not her that was cruel, it was her BPD. Its her BPD that's bad, not her. She did all of cruel stuff b/c she has BPD and can't control it, otherwise she loves me... . "

I'm anthropomorphising of course, but this is my reasoning when I break down and reach out to her.

Do you ever struggle with these kinds of thoughts?

[Mark2430]

Yes! I think it's natural to try to seperate the two, but the reality is she has BPD, and that will not change, I struggle with it too, tonight I have pass by the area in which she lives and part of me wants to reach our to see if she wants to get together, but if I give in then she has all the power and I reinforce that she can keep acting that way and she needs to understand my terms are non negotiable

[Mark2430]

And those terms apply to all relationships in my life not just her

[Mark2430]

When it comes to mine I think the one thing all her exes had in common is they always chased her, I watched her totally mess with other guys right in front of me, some were guys she was seeing right before we met, and they would keep coming back, I realized what she was doing and I think my ban may be permanent because I just can't find it inside myself to chase her, I think they are all exes because at some point she quit respecting them because they kept taking her abuse, I know it seems counterintuitive but I really believe that they want you to stand up for yourself, because they can't respect you unless you respect yourself... .  It was funny the last thing she said to me was "the times we were together were the most amazing of my life but I can't stand someone being cocky with me it just pushes me over the edge so I am ok if we never talk or see each other again" my cockiness was me saying "I do not want to be called names, accused of cheating and having her throw stuff I say back in my face" ... .  See cocky means standing up for yourself I think she was threatened by that but in the end I think it's exactly what they want

[Hurt llama]

Mark, I think you are right but I also think there is no 'answer' or the answer is not what we want to know.

I think of my ex as a rescue pet... .  Abused and mistreated at a very young age... . You can rescue one and some adjust and some never do.

She never will or not without years of hard work that she might or might not eventually get to... .

I think the withdrawal process some of us experience... . the unreal difficulty of it, even if it's the right or good thing to do, is a glimpse into what it feels like to be them... . In their reality... .

In other words, they live in misery and agony.

And it's not my problem any more and I don't need the drug of being her favorite victim.

[Mark2430]

Zero,

I agree with you 100% they will always look for their supply so the choice is for us to quit being the supply and let someone else do it, I believe that they can change but from what I have read it seems that those that admit they have a problem make changes but I also read that very few actually admit to having a problem and what we don't know are the success stories because those aren't always posted on sites like this

[Mark2430]

So I think it's a matter of putting ourselves first

[chuckstrong]

Its SO freaking hard isnt it? There is no easy answer to what to do or how to do it... .  Ive been here on this site since Nov and broken up i guess (for the third time) from my BPD xgf since Sept 1... .  i have spent countless hours ruminating, crying, reading and posting here, writing texts letters and emails to her... .  For

what? Im the the exact same position probably worse than i was at the beginnning. I am nowhere near close to over her and everytime she yanks my chain i am always there. Never even gone 2 weeks NC despite many blowups and brutal mistreatment and her hands the past 8 months. Its way WORSE than being addicted to drugs or booze many have said. I believe it. i also believe what has been written here in terms of standing up for yourself. The few times ive done it she has always been the one to reach back out. I need to find the inner strength to do it for good once and for all.

Her birthday is in 2 hours and its killing me thinking where we were 1 year ago today.

its literally killing me. She told me 4 weeks ago please dont contact me again and last nighti was telling her how much i LOVED the pic of us she sent me. Wonder how the guy she is supposedly dating would feel about that pic. She did the same thing to me and she will do the same thing to the next guy the same way. Time for me to get off the merry go round. After her bday passes tomorrow i will again respectively request we are no longer in contact because i cant be her friend and bear witness to her moving on without me as her partner. I will tell her i need time and space to heal so please allow me to do so. The Catch 22 is that will increase her respect for me and make her want to contact me even more. its a circular sick and twisted game. A friend here said stay silent and she will bring out the big guns. We will see cause i once and for all am going totally silent after her bday.

God bless all of you here this is brutally hard for us all. Glad we have each other for support.

Chuck

[cska]

Chuck, keep you head up high. You're stronger than me, you can go 2 weeks. Me best time so far has been 5 days. Initially, I feel so free when I go NC, but it takes me 5 days and the pain sets in. Sometimes tears just start pouring, and i write heart-breaking letters/texts that would probably make a rock cry... . I don't even know why I'm doing this... . For most people, the things my girl did/said to me would be deal breakers. Come on, why do I want to start a family with someone who tells me I'm a living piece of ___? That is a very good question!

Zero, the thing with cheating also drives me nuts. Mine has this thing where she declares a r/s official or not, and then uses that to her advantage. She would break up with me, hook up with her ex, then get back with me, and say: "oh but I didn't cheat, we weren't "official", so its not cheating." And she herself believes this crap... .

[Mark2430]

Hang in there Guys it's hard that's for sure, some days and nights are better than others but the loved you stay no contact you start to realize that your world revolves around you and not someone else, and your happiness can't be defined by another person by only by you, I know it's hard because we loved them by remember they really don't know what love is

[Hurt llama]

Good time to remind us all (I was reminded today) that No Contact is not the holy grail... .  It's not about just No Contact... . it's about detaching and looking at the things that come up for us when we do have contact.

But I get it... .  The No Contact thing and how many members post up to the minute how long it's been... .  

I hope soon I don't really care how long and as I posted earlier I did have contact via text today since the longest LC/NC ever by far since I've known her.

She tried to hook me... .  I sidestepped it easily. I was absolutely prepared.

She's also easy as she never yells, (it's always me who loses it it seems), she never was a big writer or said all that much unless pressed... .

So when she offered she hopes we can be 'friends', I could have laughed out loud... .  And just a month ago, my answers would have been far different.

Me a month ago:

"Yes sweetie, we will always be friends. You are an important part of my history. We've shared some of the best memories of our lives together."

"I will always be there for you baby. You don't even have to ask me for a loan, I'll just send it as I know you are good for it and are in between jobs"

Me Now

(In response to her asking me if we can be friends)

"I'm sure you will be successful in anything you do"

(If asked for a loan now)

"I'm sorry that would be a bad idea".

======

So progress is happening and will continue... .  Can I slip? Maybe... . Would I see her again if she comes to my town for job training... .  I'd like to say no... .  I don't know really... .  Would she have any real power over me anymore... .  Nope. I think that ship sailed and I'm not letting it back.

Onward!