my need to win

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I see that there is some vicarious satisfaction hanging out in the "leaving board" but it's time for me to ask myself what drew me in and kept me in the r/s - and why I am have a hard time forgetting.

I have strong rescuing / savior tendencies. Probably got that from my mom.

I see that in my work and social life history. I seem to take on difficult jobs that take a longer time to accomplish - my ex was in many ways such a "project" but one at which I did not "succeed".

[nolisan]

I see that there is some vicarious satisfaction hanging out in the "leaving board" but it's time for me to ask myself what drew me in and kept me in the r/s - and why I am have a hard time forgetting.

I have strong rescuing / savior tendencies. Probably got that from my mom.

I see that in my work and social life history. I seem to take on difficult jobs that take a longer time to accomplish - my ex was in many ways such a "project" but one at which I did not "succeed".

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not quite seeing a clear connection between your subject and what you wrote.

How does the "need to win" related to the "rescuing / savior tendancies" ?

[fromheeltoheal]

I know what you mean, and there is no winning with the disorder.  It was hard to let go of my BPD 'project', especially since my heart was in the right place, but that challenge would just suck me dry, a bottomless pit of emotional need.

And graduating from the Leaving board is progress; I've found that after 8 months of NC she is no longer the focus, my own healing is, and I've been making great progress, motivated initially by the disorder.  Thanks BPD.

[Suzn]

I understand nolison. My rescuing tendencies made it very hard to "give up" the rescue, the project, the win. I found later putting aside my well being wasn't winning in the first place. There is a feeling of power when we feel like we're winning, then comes the realization that we never had a chance with the information we had at the time.

What do you think drew you in?

[nolisan]

We both had trauma - drawn together like moths to a flame.

I do believe that we both believed that we could "heal" each other.

A noble delusion

[nolisan]

The "Why" of winning = self esteem boast. Needing external approval.  Ouch

[lhd981]

nolisan:

I can more than relate. Even my success in entrepreneurship has come as a result of my unwavering tenacity and focus - not to mention my always taking on the biggest, toughest projects in my line of work.

I also have a savior complex, as a result of my mother, and have gone out of my way to help others - not just women/prospective partners - throughout my life. But in the two relationships I've been in with women who needed "saving", they almost became projects for me in the sense that I was determined to do whatever I could to make them work, even when I realized they didn't particularly WANT to be "saved", despite claims to the contrary.

[Mountaineagle]

I was listening to this earlier. Maybe or maybe not related, I just immediately thought about this when reading your headline: www.pathwaytohappiness.com/sound_files/not_good_enough.mp3