realizing why it hurts so bad

[leftbehind]

Today I realized why my breakup with my undiagnosed exBPDbf hurts soo much.  It's because he's treating me like a one night stand that you want to just cut out of your life.  I don't do one night stands, haven't done one in over 20 years. 

I've never had someone who said they loved me over and over and over every day three times a day for months cut me out like I was a one night hook up.  That's why it hurts so bad, and that's what my brain has been trying to make sense of.  Finally it hit me today. 

Whenever I was in a relationship where "I love you" was exchanged by both partners, it was either a much more thoughtful breakup process, or the person and I stayed friends  (even if it took some time for that to occur).  But no one that ever told me he loved me has cut me off like I never existed, and like my energy was toxic.

That's what's been bugging me, and it finally hit me today.

Does anyone else have any insights on this?

[Validation78]

Hi LB!

Sorry the realization of this is so hurtful for you. I find that having a better understanding of BPD has helped me to accept many aspects of my marriage and how it cannot be compared to any other relationships I've had. Do a search on the term object consistency. I think you'll find that this may offer some explanation for this particular behavior. Hope it helps!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[leftbehind]

thank you, Val78.

[benny2]

I know exactly what you are saying. My uBPDex has been treating me like a one night stand now for the past 2 months since he begged me for another chance, told me he loved me and wanted to make this work.  Now he says he is thinking about it and wants to keep me in suspence. I told him to take a hike! I told him he has made me feel like a fool, once again, and no one should be made to feel that way.  Have'nt heard from him since and that was friday. It is their way of parting. No discussing it, no goodbye, no nothing. Just gone. I'm sure he will contact me at some point, he always does, but I am not going to stand being his casual after all he has put me through. Left my home, and everything over a year ago to be his one and only. What a joke! He started cheating on me with his ex 3 weeks after I moved in. They have no empathy. They do these things with little thought behind it. One day they love you, the next they are unsure. Mine usually acts like that when he is envolved with someone else, so I think thats whats going on here.

[OTH]

I wish my ex treated me that well. Lol

[leftbehind]

so sorry you went through all that, Benny2.  It helps to hear that this is a standard way for the BPD to break up.  It just feels so wrong, so dismissive.  I hope there is such a thing as karma, because if there is someone will do the same to him.

Yes, I know he's sick and all, but I'm not feeling so forgiving tonight. 

[benny2]

The way I look at it is they live in hell everyday and thats enough payback for me.

[ComoLu]

My uxBPDH left me in a phone call and an email after 32 years, and I had been clueless that there was a real problem.  I understand your pain.  We have 3 children together and 4 grands, and he acts like he owes me nothing and like he never knew me.  Finding out about BPD has helped, but the pain is still there every day.  Knowing how miserable he is helps me to cope.

[VeryFree]

After being together for 10 years and I had started T so later on we could go together to a T I was away for a few days.

During that days I recieved an email from my stbx that our marriage was over.

When I was home I tried to talk to her, but it didn't work out.

When became clear that I really wanted to work on the r/s, she went down another route: became violent and accused me.

So: I understand your pain.

[Siamese Rescue]

All of the above. On vacation one week, exchanging the most tender of moments, pledging forever, etc. A week and a half later, threats of restraining orders, "he hates me, I'm a liar, I'm crazy, I need mental help, etc."   "Look, I hired a private investigator because your entire personality changed before we even went away, you and your rekindled relationship with your ex, whom you also claimed to hate, was more than I could believe." 

There's no doubt in my mind - he was involved with her and frankly, whether it wasn't documented as a physical relationship by way of surveillance is almost irrelevant to me because he aligned himself with her, against me and all of a sudden all of his attitudes, opinions, actions were as if he was her puppet.

I'm sick that I ever trusted him. It's ridiculously painful.

[benny2]

I think my ex is also very influenced by his exwife. I think he is very easily influenced by anyone. Well makes sense I guess seeing as they really don't have a mind of their own.

[leftbehind]

I definitely see how easily influenced my ex was by others.  One of the clues that he was beginning to find me replaceable (while we were still together) is that he started to make friends with a woman on facebook who was a health food coach .  All of a sudden my meat and potatoes man was cooking up kale! 

While we were together he finally made some sort of peace with his ex wife so he could see his children one night a week.  I encouraged this, because I knew it was good for him and the kids.  (There had been a girlfriend between the ex and me, so I didn't have any issue with this, since I never came between their marriage.)  Was it a coincidence that two months after he was back in contact with the ex wife he abruptly broke up with me?  I'll never know.  If he had ever told me he wanted to reunite with her I would have been heartbroken, but I would have understood since they have two young kids together.  But when I asked him he just laughed and said no, like that was the most ridiculous question ever.

Was it a coincidence that 2 months after work transferred him back to his old building where the ex girlfriend (after the wife) still worked that he broke up with me?  I'll never know. 

Was it a coincidence that the same day he calls me up to tell me he's "incredibly in love with me"  (he'd been telling me for 7 months, so it wasn't the first time) that the same day a girl came in to where we both work looking for him?  She had been at his old part time job that he quit.  Somehow she found that he worked at the new place and wanted to reconnect.  Two days later he comes over my house, bringing me all my tupperware, not wanting to sit next to me or to make love with me, still telling me he loves me however.  Two days after that he breaks it off.

I'll never know if he left me for someone else, or just left because he wanted to be single again.  But what I do know is that he kept telling me over and over that this relationship was it for him, meaning I was the one, the soulmate, the long term life partner.  In his words... .  "Yup, you're stuck with me!"  (Uttered two weeks before breaking up with me.)

Then all of a sudden he's calling me controlling, and that he feels like I'm holding him hostage (this was during the very limited contact we had after he already broke up with me via email). 

I've been blaming myself for the last two months, since the break up.  But the more I read everyone else's experiences, the more I'm realizing that these are his patterns.  I don't go around telling people I love them then breaking up with them.  But apparently he does.

[Siamese Rescue]

Each and every time without fail- when you post it's identical to my experience. The minute she's back in the picture he shifts. It's painful to endure and causes great panic on my end and I cannot tolerate it or keep my mouth shut... .  

Starting to hate him... .  

[leftbehind]

I don't blame you for hating him.  Maybe it's part of the healing process, meaning that you need to love yourself more than you loved him.  I've come to wishing my ex's karma catches up with him... .  a week ago I was praying for his happiness.  It's the stress of what they put us through.  Thank you for all your supportive posts - they've really been helping me