Tried to set a boundary...

[lucky blue jay]

Hi all,

First of all thanks for this board and all the support. It is proving invaluable to me right now!

My last post told the story of my current dealings with my mom. After a lot of thought and talking to my therapist today I decided to not have my mom come and visit while my husband is away. I des died for the following reasons:

1. Last time she was here (for the birth of my son 5 weeks ago) she was agitated and ended up going home early. She then wrote me an email where she called my husband a liar. This all is stressful and anxiety provoking for me. I don't want to be stressed out any more than I have to be. I want to protect my son from my stress/anxiety.

2.  I am sleep deprived--with a newborn. I am not at full capacity to respond to her in healthy ways.

My mom called me today and I told her that I need one on one time with my son that weekend. I would like to schedule another time for her to come out and help. She said "well that's, well that's... .  I need to go" and we hung up the phone.

I absolutely think I did what was best for my family. I did it respectfully. I do want to try to maintain a relationship with her. I also needed time with just my son this weekend.

My mom has now posted on FB that she is coming to my city anyway on that weekend. Do I arrange to stay with a friend that weekend? I don't want to live in fear of her coming by.

Also, I had originally planned to notify her via well written email, and when she called today she was planning out what she would do when here. So I thought I needed to tell her. Do I still write the email?

I feel like this is a lose/lose. Now I am anxious about her response. :/

[boatingwoman]

My BPDs knows that if she steps foot on my property I will tell her once to leave.  If she doesn't, no more words... .  I call police.  She is trespassing.  She doesn't do this because she knows I will do what I say.

My space is my space and she is not allowed in my space.

It is hard though, especially if I was a sleep deprived new mom!  It is hard as a forty something woman!  You have a responsibility to yourself and your newborn to keep things calm and positive and happy. 

Hang in there and stay strong!  And good for you for calling her and telling her no can do for that weekend.   

[lucky blue jay]

Thank you for your response. She has this evening sent me a text that says "by" not sure what that means. She has also put a bunch of thinly veiled bible verses on FB.

[ScarletOlive]

Hi lucky blue jay,

Congratulations on the new baby!

You stated your needs in a kind but firm way. If she wants further explanation, you could tell her just what you said: that you're sleep-deprived and not able to entertain visitors as you normally could. Staying with a friend wouldn't be a bad idea. Another idea would be to lock the doors, watch a movie or take a nap, and if she shows up, ignore the door or pretend to be asleep.

I don't know if you've seen this article on BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence yet, but it's really good and might be helpful as you talk to your mom.

Let us know how it goes! Take care, dear one, and be gentle with yourself.