uBPD mom - just need to vent

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am really triggered tonight by the idea of me and my siblings' inheritance from our grandfather. I was in an OK mood and then my older brother texted me saying that she is just giving money to people in the family who ask when they ask for help.

Seems nice right? Except it just means that she's a) started spending the inheritance the way she pleases and b) it's a power thing. We have to ASK for the money from her, in small increments.

She has been holding this inheritance over our heads for years and years. She's threatened to cut me out of the will more times than I can count. I swore to myself that when the time came I wouldn't care. I would just accept that I wasn't going to see it and let her have it. I had a great grandpa and that is more than enough for me.

But I am in deep debt with university. My inheritance would pay it off plus give me savings for a downpayment for a little condo or something. In other words, it would put me way ahead of where I am now.

It seems like a cruel twist of fate that my uBPD mother would be left all the money to do as she pleases. To hold it over our heads and make us ask for it.

I can't stand the humiliation of NEEDING the money from her. I have too much pride to ask for it.

There's no happy ending here. I'll work hard, I'll pay off my student loans, I'll learn to forgive her. I just am so mad right now my head hurts.

I wish I hated her less. I want to be more mature. But I just hate her so much.   :'(

[skelly_bean]

I am really triggered tonight by the idea of me and my siblings' inheritance from our grandfather. I was in an OK mood and then my older brother texted me saying that she is just giving money to people in the family who ask when they ask for help.

Seems nice right? Except it just means that she's a) started spending the inheritance the way she pleases and b) it's a power thing. We have to ASK for the money from her, in small increments.

She has been holding this inheritance over our heads for years and years. She's threatened to cut me out of the will more times than I can count. I swore to myself that when the time came I wouldn't care. I would just accept that I wasn't going to see it and let her have it. I had a great grandpa and that is more than enough for me.

But I am in deep debt with university. My inheritance would pay it off plus give me savings for a downpayment for a little condo or something. In other words, it would put me way ahead of where I am now.

It seems like a cruel twist of fate that my uBPD mother would be left all the money to do as she pleases. To hold it over our heads and make us ask for it.

I can't stand the humiliation of NEEDING the money from her. I have too much pride to ask for it.

There's no happy ending here. I'll work hard, I'll pay off my student loans, I'll learn to forgive her. I just am so mad right now my head hurts.

I wish I hated her less. I want to be more mature. But I just hate her so much.   :'(

[lucky blue jay]

That sounds really painful. I'm sorry you habit go through it.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm sorry, skelly.   It doesn't seem fair, does it? Your grandfather willed this money to your mother, right? Did he say anything in his will about giving any specific amounts to you and your siblings?

You do have a choice here, as much as it hurts. What worries you about asking your mother for the money? Are you worried that she'll say no or are you worried that it empowers her?

You also have the option of paying off your student loans. That's a tougher thing to do and will take longer, but could be very empowering. Does that seem like a better option?

[boatingwoman]

It is definitely a dance.  They can't dance alone so they go back and forth pulling people in to be their dance partner.

Did your grandfather put it in writing that the money was to be split?

If not, as unfair as it is, the money isn't there for you.  Perhaps do something to move toward acceptance of this issue-- imagine the things you could have done with the money and then burn it or something.  Or make a goals list and or a vision board of what you plan for yourself with only your resources.  You know, try to turn it around to you don't need the money and this is your plan for your life.

I think it is o.k. to kind of have a pity party about it-- it really is a shame that this money could help you and she isn't honoring your grandfather's wishes, which would be the right thing for her to do.  But a PwBPD seems to never choose the morally correct thing to do.

If it was in writing, how about hiring a lawyer.  That might cost a few thousand dollars, but you would be able to get the bulk of your money.  Spend 4k, get 50k is still a good deal.

I find pwBPD tend to be cruel.  They seem to enjoy suffering and chaos.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[boatingwoman]

Also, have you actually SEEN a copy of the will?  Has anyone opened succession?  You may want to consult with an attorney to protect yourself anyway.  Usually the first meeting is free, so for like 500.00 you could get your atty to get a copy of the will and to make sure procedural law has been followed and then see if you can prove what your grandpa's wishes were.

I'm feeling like you may need an independent third party expert to review what is happening here.

Have you considered these issues?

[skelly_bean]

Boatingwoman,

Good idea about a copy of the will. My sister says my mother hasn't let her see it or touch it (she's in the same city as my mother). I agree if it's not in writing then I might as well just kiss it goodbye and move on. A symbolic goodbye would be important I think. My grandfather discussed with my family how he wanted his estate divided among all of us. It's hard not to think of practical ways that $ could have been used.

Anyways, I will follow up on this and see if I can at least see a copy.

Thanks for lending some advice... .

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi Skelly,

Im sorry you seem to be having a hard time with this. Good luck with the will, it is hard enough dealing with the emotional part of dealing with a BPD parent, let alone the financial and practical level. I agree with some of the replies, its really important that you make peace with the idea of never seeing any money from the inheritance. As hard as it is, and i know firsthand, its all part of the BPD game. Even if you are expressly included in the will, are you prepared for the ramifications of going down the legal path? it wont be an easy battle.

I am nearly 30 years old, my family (my dad and my sister) are split and are only just beginning to forge strong bonds now, 10 years after my mother separated from my dad and went "travelling" with her new man. Not disimilarly to you, when all this happened i was starting university, living out of home and working all night in clubs so i could study during the day. My mother got a substantial settlement from my dad but do you think any of it was used to help my sister and i? not a chance! she traveled up and down the coast enjoying the high life until the money ran out.

Its taken me a long time, but ive finally gotten my head around paying off my loans, and honestly, im glad ive done it myself. My dad is beautiful, and would give me anything after what we have all been through the last 10 years but ive come out the other side the better person. Somedays, sure, i have a little freak out and think, what if my marriage fails, where will i go? I have no family "home" to go to, what if my business fails? I have no mother to ask advice, help, loans etc, who will help me when i have children? But then I remember that hang on, i have a great marriage family (besides her) and business and i will not let her in to my head like that!

Everyone has loans and debts and its not a bad thing, its what we do to get ahead and to put us in a great position with our education. You are working on yourself and making great gains in getting to a better place, dont be drawn in to the game, its like quicksand, dealing with a BPD. Especially when its our mother. If you dont need it, dont let it consume you, its typical behaviour from your mother, its not personal, my mother is the same. Its her way of keeping you close, and it fulfills her need for you to need HER.

Just keep working on yourself and staying strong. Are you in contact with your mum at the moment? Do you have the support of your brother and sister? it might be worth putting up some boundaries with him too, asking him not to pass on such information. Its really important that you get to a place where you can take it all in your stride and not let it get to you xxxx big hugs

[skelly_bean]

Hi NonBPDaughter,

I honestly think if it comes down to it, I could never muster the personal resilience to actually hire a lawyer and sue her (if the agreement is in writing). Her father was her best friend in life, as much as she used him and stressed him out while he was alive.

I really do feel that this is a matter of learning to let go. I have renewed energy to check out the will at least, but I swear if I see that money it will be a miracle. Or actually, maybe it would be the worst thing ever. Would she ever let me forget that she "gave" me that money? Probably not. On her death bed she'd be telling us how ungrateful we were - after all the things she did for us.

Sigh.

Anyways. It sounds like you have really met your challenges in life head on and have built a beautiful life for yourself. Very inspiring !

I really do need some reassurance about these student loans, because part of my plan for paying them off was always that my grampa said he'd be leaving some money for us. The idea of paying off 30k+ debt is daunting. Thanks for reminding me that it's worth it in the end.

It's unfortunate that typical BPD behaviour coincides so perfectly with what our conception of 'evil' behaviour is. I consider not spending a cent on your children or their education and then forcing them to give you money by bursting into tears and threatening to take your life "evil" behaviour. But, it's just the stupid disorder.

She wants us to want this money because it means if we want it we'll ask for it, and if we ask for it she can say 'yes! I'm the beautiful perfect mother who shares so generously with you' or 'no, you're terrible and you don't DESERVE it.'

The power tripping aspect of it (over my truly sweet and kind grandfather's wishes for us to have money to take care of ourselves) makes me want to shoot her.

So yes, I would like very much to just get over it. I am trying to prepare mentally now for receiving nothing. But whenever I feel like I've settled on the idea, I think: "and when she runs out... . and she's starving... . she's getting NOTHING from me."

And I don't like that thought process. It just goes from angry and hurt, to revengeful and spiteful. I don't want to feel any of that. I just want to accept it, move on, and say "I'm sorry you hurt me this way, but I know it's not your fault."

I just hope I can achieve that level of maturity by venting on here and in therapy because right now I am not feeling anything other than rage authentically.

I'm not in contact with my mother because I said no contact unless she gets help. Now she's got money so she doesn't need to contact us anyways. (That's literally what happens. When she has money she doesn't contact us. Literally! I can't believe that this person is real and that she's my mother.)

Gah, yes I will talk to my enmeshed brother and sister about it. I could go on about how they earnestly believe they will see that money fair and square, but I will just sound like a bitter hag haha... . so I'll stop here.

Thank you so much for the support. It helps immensely with handling this... .   

[boatingwoman]

 If the will has been filed, you can get a copy.  Maybe try the clerk of court's office.  If she is spending the money as hers, she needs to have filed the will.  Otherwise, she has stolen the money.

[Cordelia]

So yes, I would like very much to just get over it. I am trying to prepare mentally now for receiving nothing. But whenever I feel like I've settled on the idea, I think: "and when she runs out... . and she's starving... . she's getting NOTHING from me."

And I don't like that thought process. It just goes from angry and hurt, to revengeful and spiteful. I don't want to feel any of that. I just want to accept it, move on, and say "I'm sorry you hurt me this way, but I know it's not your fault."

I just hope I can achieve that level of maturity by venting on here and in therapy because right now I am not feeling anything other than rage authentically.

You know, maybe I'm also just an angry person, but the idea of saying, you took my inheritance and spent it on yourself, now you're not getting anything from me when you need it, seems perfectly fair to me.  I think money becomes a proxy for so many things.  I feel like this about my mother - she didn't spend any inheritance that I was looking forward to and planning on but when I was a child and depended on her for love and protection, I didn't get those things from her, instead she used lashing out at me to deal with her personal frustrations, so HECK YEAH when she's old and vulnerable, I will not be the one helping her to face the end.  If I have the money to pay someone to help her out, I'd do that just because she's the one who gave me life, no matter how crappy a mother she was.  But I will not personally participate because that just seems so insulting, to be expected to be there and provide a kind of care that wasn't provided to me when it was appropriate.  I would feel like a fool if I did that. 

What is so wrong with being angry over this issue?  It's incredibly hurtful, first to lose out on money you were expecting, which would have made a big difference in your life, which is bad enough, but also to have the perpetrator be your mother, the one who is supposed to support you and want the best for you and even sacrifice her own interests from time to time so that you her child can grow and have the best chance in life.  For me, the betrayal of such a core relationship is just as bad, if not worse than, the sheer financial loss. 

And yes, seconding the rest of the thread, please, get a lawyer, see the will for yourself, if she is spending money that your grandfather specifically said was for you, that's stealing and she should face the consequences of that.  She doesn't just get to make up reality - the will says what it says.  If she's the executor then she has a legal obligation to get the money to you.  If she is playing games with that role she's putting herself in a poor legal position.  Please don't make excuses for her or feel sorry for her - she wouldn't for you, obviously.  You have to treat her like the stranger she considers herself to you. 

I'm not in contact with my mother because I said no contact unless she gets help. Now she's got money so she doesn't need to contact us anyways. (That's literally what happens. When she has money she doesn't contact us. Literally! I can't believe that this person is real and that she's my mother.)

My mother was the same way.  The day I told her that even though she was broke, as a graduate student I was unlikely to be in a position to help her financially for many years, was basically the end of her interest in me.  Even though it's so painful, it's important to look at that behavior clearly and see the motivations behind her engagement in your relationship.  It's so dangerous to fool yourself into thinking that maybe this time things will be different.  As a normal kind loving person YOU want only to have a good relationship with your mother, to be able to share your life with her, to love and be loved by her.  But SHE (I'm sorry) sounds like a con artist, who is interested only in her own advantage and will use any leverage she has over another, even family relationships which even hardened criminals are often loath to contaminate, to get what she wants, without regard for morality or anyone else's wellbeing.  It's a disease and she didn't choose it etc., but that is what she is and you deny it at great peril to yourself.  Before forgiveness, protect yourself.  Once there is an iron wall in place against any further exploitation of your love for your mother and desire for a relationship with her, then you can think about the tragedy of it all.  But first and foremost, protect yourself. 

[skelly_bean]

Cordelia,

But I will not personally participate because that just seems so insulting, to be expected to be there and provide a kind of care that wasn't provided to me when it was appropriate.  I would feel like a fool if I did that. 

Man isn't that the truth? BPD parents make you feel like a fool for caring your whole life. I gave my mother so many chances and she made me feel like a gullible idiot for trying to help her.

She once contacted me to tell me that if I didn't find my runaway stepfather, she would kill herself. I found him, told him, and he returned. And do you think she contacted me to thank me? Do you think she said "I love you honey, you really helped me through a crisis - I'm sorry I put you through that... . etc."

NOPE! She didn't call for months. She had what she wanted.

They make us feel like fools for caring. And I think that's where a lot of my trust issues lie. That somehow, putting myself on the line - really loving someone unconditionally - will end up with me being in the position of the gullible idiot.

What is so wrong with being angry over this issue?  It's incredibly hurtful, first to lose out on money you were expecting, which would have made a big difference in your life, which is bad enough, but also to have the perpetrator be your mother, the one who is supposed to support you and want the best for you and even sacrifice her own interests from time to time so that you her child can grow and have the best chance in life.  For me, the betrayal of such a core relationship is just as bad, if not worse than, the sheer financial loss.

It's funny because I agree yes I SHOULD be angry. But it's her that's making me feel angry. I hate reacting to anything she does because I feel like a puppet. My only defense to her rages and crying spells was just having no reaction at all. Which she hated! I only felt like I had power when I was not responding.

But, I have been hurt, I am being hurt. Anger is natural. My therapist is trying to convince me that anger is OK. But it's tough to accept that. Thanks for reminding me of this.

Please don't make excuses for her or feel sorry for her - she wouldn't for you, obviously.  You have to treat her like the stranger she considers herself to you.

Kick ass. I love this sentiment. I think we are socially reinforced to have "soft spots" for our mothers and when I feel hardened towards her I feel there's something wrong with me. But its true that she won't/wouldn't help me unless it benefited her directly.

Thank you for the insightful response!  I will follow up on the will. 

[BrownOxford]

I'm so glad I joined this group, first post I read and it is something that happened to me as well.  My grandfather died almost 10 years ago, when I was 23.  Long before that, shortly after my sister was born in 1985, my grandparents put my sister and I in their will leaving each of us $10,000.  My grandfather's health was in decline the last year or so of his life, and my grandmother had suffered 2 strokes and was mentally unable to handle the finances.  My mother visited them about 6 months before my granfather ended up passing away, and she somehow convinced them to completely re-write their will and leave every last penny to my mother so she could have that control.  Though both of my grandparents were still living at the time, they added my mother's name to their bank accounts and gave her control of all of their assets, including the 2 homes they owned.  They did this with the expectation that this would ease the transition when they passed away, and also expecting that my mother would take care of myself and my sister.  Not only did we never see any of that money, my mother began spending the money immediately, bought herself a brand new Jaguar, went on several vacations, quit her job, etc.  My grandparents were pretty well off, both had pensions, retirement accounts, and a significant amount of money in the stock market.  At the time of my grandfather's passing, $1.5 million in total assets went to my mother.  That money was gone in 2 years, she sold both properties and cashed out all the stocks.  I thought about confronting her over her bahvior and asking for what my grandfather always intended for me to have, but in the end I decided it just wasn't worth all the strings that would be attached, since my mother surely would have felt that she could dictate how I spend the money.

Like you, I feel like having a fantastic grandfather was all I needed, sure the money would have been nice, but I would give it all up 10 times over if I could still have him in my life.     

[sonofbpd]

I'm sorry you are going through this. My mother held $10k over my head for a while after my grandmother passed away. When she finally gave me the check, I left it at their house. It felt great turning that money down. Of course I could use the money. But my pride is worth a lot more than $10k. I'm not going to play that game so that for the rest of the life she has more 'ammo' for her unreasonable demands and meltdowns, etc.

[skelly_bean]

At the time of my grandfather's passing, $1.5 million in total assets went to my mother.  That money was gone in 2 years, she sold both properties and cashed out all the stocks.  I thought about confronting her over her bahvior and asking for what my grandfather always intended for me to have, but in the end I decided it just wasn't worth all the strings that would be attached, since my mother surely would have felt that she could dictate how I spend the money.

First of all  BrownOxford!

God, BPDs and money. What a nightmare. It's true that if I do see any of my inheritance she will never let me forget. I'm glad to hear that your grandfather was a  gem too. 

Thanks sonofBPD, what an awesome moment that must have been. Some of my most triumphant memories are dodging the "yoke" of my mother when she tries to rein me in again.

Before my grandfather passed away she threatened numerous times to cut me out of the will my non-reaction to that stopped her from threatening it. Whether I see that money or not, I will keep my pride intact.

[Clearmind]

I can't stand the humiliation of NEEDING the money from her. I have too much pride to ask for it.

Skelly, I completely understand the feelings you have.

Is it possible to reframe this?   “I am worthy, and deserve to be looked after – that is how my grandfather would have wanted it”. You have worked hard at Uni, you do really deserve it. Think of it in terms of your grandfathers wishes – I’m sure he want this for you.

BrownOxford

[BrownOxford]

Thanks for the welcome skelly_bean!   

I'm trying to get a feel for how the message boards work, and get and intro up as well, but I don't even know where to start, I could write a book on my BPD mom. 

Don't feel bad for being angry, it is a natural reaction to this situation and you are doing the right thing by talking about your feelings.  I think us kids who grew up with a BPD mom were never really shown how to rationally and properly express our emotions and we tend to bottle things up (I do anyway).  Talking about it will hopefully help you feel better and maybe even feel less angry.

I have a really good book on forgiveness, I often think about my experiences with my mom while I read through the stories.  One in particular addresses feelings of anger.  At the end each story, the author poses a few questions.  I always read them one at a time and really thing about my answer to each one before moving on.  Regarding anger, the questions are:

What situations in your life cause you to feel the most anger?

Do you think your anger is necessary to bring about change?

Who would you be without those feelings of anger?

Why is it so hard to let go of it?

I know you can get through this, you're strong 

[Islandgrl]

Hi Skelly and welcome Oxford

Sorry to hear about your situation Skelly - my uBPD mother also tries to use money to control me - she used to refuse to give me info and documentation I needed for Financial Aid applications at Uni and offer then withhold funds to get me to do what she wanted.  I agree with the other posters that you should look into the terms of the will too - I think this might be helpful as at least you would be doing something practical about the situation which might help you feel more in control.  It is unbelievable in a way that this is your mother - not only are you not getting the support and love you should but I sounds like you need to protect yourself from her too.  It's very hard but hopefully being here and speaking to your therapist will help.  Like Oxford says, you are strong and resilient.

Oxfords questions about anger are useful to think about.  I'm in my late 30s now and I've spent so much of my life angry but I think I struggle to let go of it as I feel somehow my anger protects me from pain and makes me feel powerful.  In a lot of ways, tho Im Starting to recognise that I could do with a lot less anger and that in my case, it's done me harm using this as a coping skill.  I know what you mean about not having any reaction to your BPD mother - pretty much all my life I have reacted either with indifference or anger to BPD mother, I certainly would never want to show her how deeply hurt I am by her behaviour. Having to mask my feelings all the time has left it difficult to handle them as well as I might tho.

Of course you do have a right to be angry in this situation, it's unfair and awful and would make anyone angry.  Anger can also be a positive force to help protect from hurt and motivate change.  In my case, I think I have too much and need to work on this but that doesn't mean that applies to your situation too.  Best of luck to you in dealing with this situation. 

[Islandgrl]

Also wanted to add that I know what you mean when you say you wish you hated her less! I feel that way about my mother - I wish she did not inspire such strong emotion in me and that I simply didn't care.  It drives me crazy sometimes that I waste my precious time thinking about her and feeling this way.  But as I'm sure you know, you feel how you feel and there's nothing wrong with that - as we didn't get any validation from our BPD moms so i think we need to accept our own feelings now.  I think venting definitely helps and I've certainly found even just reading about others experiences on here helps me and makes me feel less alone and more "normal" for want of a better description.

[Clearmind]

Venting to a point helps before we need to begin to heal from our past. We will not move forward if we continue to lament in our past. All we tend to acheive then is validating the invalid.

To not care about Moms stuff is to continue to move forward and on with your own life. Part of what keeps us back there is that we continue to hang onto our emotions we had in our childhoods rather than now understanding we are adults with choices.

We can choose to:

1) Relive our past trauma - not move forward or better our relationships with our spouses, kids, work people and friends; OR

2) Understand our past trauma, how it has shaped our coping skills and view of the world now and begin to toss out all those faulty beliefs instilled in us as kids and build new ones - live your life authentically, the way you want to live.

skelly, its great you recognize your trigger - we now need to begin to work with it, come to a resolution so it does not build and misguide us. Triggers can help us learn so much about ourselves - if you are willing to be open to vulnerability.