Ugh

[XL]

There was a huge crisis with extended family. She is not responding to it correctly. Way too happy, manic, ranting about projects, shopping, etc. Then turning around and criticizing the way everyone else is coping. I am being polite as I can to her, and acting as the family spokesperson to everyone else in a sense. This is a level of angry I can't discuss in public.

I'm starting to wonder if she's also bi-polar.      

[boatingwoman]

 . Ugh is right.  One question-- do you have to be the family spokesman?  Could you step back and let things unfold as they will?  Is it necessary-- are you trying to shield everyone from her?


Tell us more.

[boatingwoman]

BTW, mine is Dx bipolar, UBPD.  At this point, the BPD is worse, though when there are behaviors of both at the same time-- watch out!

[GeekyGirl]

I've heard that there's a link between BPD and bi-polar disorder... .  I'll have to dig around here and see if I can find the article.

In the meantime, boatingwoman has a couple of good questions. If this family crisis involves someone besides you or your mother, why not let someone else serve as the "incident commander" and lead the rest of the family?

[XL]

There was an incident that should be responded to with grief and concern. While she is exhibiting those to an extent, she's also showing a lot of manic, cheerful blathering, mixed with criticism about how other people are coping/communicating. She loves the drama of disasters, and it's upsetting.

Though this seems more like just plain manic behavior.

[GeekyGirl]

There was an incident that should be responded to with grief and concern. While she is exhibiting those to an extent, she's also showing a lot of manic, cheerful blathering, mixed with criticism about how other people are coping/communicating. She loves the drama of disasters, and it's upsetting.

Though this seems more like just plain manic behavior.

Could be manic behavior, but could it be that your mother likes being the center of attention?

In any case, I'd try as best I could to ignore the inappropriate reactions and focus on what's really going on. Can you think of a way to filter out your mother's blathering and criticism and focus on the facts and information she's sharing?

[XL]

This is really kicking off a new level of disaster fantasizing, morbid theoretical death scenarios, and smothering. Demands for assistance/paranoid ramblings about the ways I might fictionally die carrying out said tasks. "Take me to the airport/don't take me to the airport, you'll die on the drive home!"

I am trying really hard to grit my teeth and not rock the boat right now because she needs support. Meaning that a normal person would require support in this situation, and I will provide just that much. This visit today was still totally exhausting.

[GeekyGirl]

This is really kicking off a new level of disaster fantasizing, morbid theoretical death scenarios, and smothering. Demands for assistance/paranoid ramblings about the ways I might fictionally die carrying out said tasks. "Take me to the airport/don't take me to the airport, you'll die on the drive home!"

That has to be hard to hear. Your mother has a fixation with death, most likely because she's terrified that you'll leave her. What can you do the next time she starts talking about dramatic death scenarios to soothe yourself?

[XL]

The morbid scenarios come up in every sentence. Order salad, and the sentence ends in someone dying of pesticide cancer.

I just ignore it. I unfortunately am beginning to think it's somehow compulsively worse around me, maybe even subconsciously, because she KNOWS it irritates me. It's almost like tourettes or something. The less she should be talking about disaster, the more nervous she gets and the more negative she gets. She also won't get off the phone until I admit that "I know how much she loves me". "In case we all get in accidents, you know I love you... .  right? RIGHT? RIGHT?"


Oddly, the few times I have been really sick to the point of possibly dying she wasn't totally there for me. My attitude is "You dropped the ball on so many health things when I was a kid, you don't get to lecture me on cancer screening as an adult."

The only thing this is bringing up for me is that I need a living will. If I ever have something happen, I don't want her near me or making decisions.

[GeekyGirl]

The only thing this is bringing up for me is that I need a living will. If I ever have something happen, I don't want her near me or making decisions.

That's an excellent point. Even if you were comfortable with the thought of your mother making decisions, it's smart to set up a living will.

Your mother is probably more afraid of losing you than anyone else, so it's very likely that her fear of death/abandonment is much more acute when it comes to you. It has to be unnerving to hear someone obsess about your death, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. An emotionally healthy person can have a fear of death (most people do), but doesn't let it get to the point where it's overwhelming. I think your best bet is to ignore it, as you're doing, and accept that this is a glimpse into what has to be a very scary and isolated world--your mother's.

[XL]

Your mother is probably more afraid of losing you than anyone else, so it's very likely that her fear of death/abandonment is much more acute when it comes to you. It has to be unnerving to hear someone obsess about your death, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with that.

I could see how her attachment is less secure with me, since I did go NC at one point and made it very clear that it was because she was being abusive. I put my foot down with her more than the enmeshed family does, and she push/pulls me a lot more. The fictional death musings are a way of keeping me under her control. "Promise me you won't go jogging alone". "No." "You're going to get kidnapped, just promise me before I get off the phone." "No." = tantrum because I evade her control. The other siblings just lie and say they're not jogging in the first place, for example. They laugh off the crazy and baby her, and I won't. I irritate her.

But when someone actually gets f***ed up, she responds with mania. I almost can't get her to focus on the present, actual reality of this real emergency that's happening. It's so opposite of normal behavior it's disturbing.

[NonBPDaughter]

XL, it must be a BPD thing! my mum goes on and on about death and what ifs that all invlove horrible situations. Am i going swimming? Watch out for sharks! Am i walking home? Look out i dont get raped? I have a headache... .  its probably a brain tumor. If its not that its talking about news reports... .  about horrible news stories and horrible things that happen to people. Learn to switch off and block it out.

[NonBPDaughter]

We once had a rage episode because i had a sinus infection, but she was convinced it was a brain tumor! She said the doctor must be wrong and i should see another one! Just insanity, She would love it if i did though! Really give her something to go on about!

[P.F.Change]

The Hermit is ruled by fear. There are some good pointers for ways to respond to those fears in Understanding the Borderline Mother. You are already refusing to feed them, so maybe you've already read that bit. I have a mostly Hermit mother, too.

My sister may have either BPD or BiPolar also (actually, sometimes I wonder about OCD as well). She has had a couple of episodes that are probably best described as manic. She becomes fixated on an idea and is relentless to try to get other people to become as excited about it as she is, she has almost superhuman amount of energy, and then afterwards can't even remember what she thought was so important. She does not see this as a problem. I have very firm boundaries with her about what I will listen to or in what conditions I will see her.

Perhaps tragedy to your mother is energizing because it validates for her that she is right to be afraid of everything. Her fears may be self-fulfilling prophecies. Perhaps she thinks the only solution is to increase her vigilance, so that she feels some control over what happens.

I think it is compassionate of you to want to support your mother. However, it is ok to step back and recommend professional support instead. She may actually need someone she is not so fixated on. Keep showing her your confidence in your own ability to cope with life by maintaining your boundaries and autonomy.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[XL]

XL, it must be a BPD thing! my mum goes on and on about death and what ifs that all invlove horrible situations. Am i going swimming? Watch out for sharks! Am i walking home? Look out i dont get raped? I have a headache... .  its probably a brain tumor. If its not that its talking about news reports... .  about horrible news stories and horrible things that happen to people. Learn to switch off and block it out.

Yes, this is exactly what I'm talking about. I lie a lot. I'll be out hiking and say I'm in the grocery store, but there have been several tantrums much like your sinus story where I refuse to play the game. Unfortunately REAL medical problems get escalated, and she ends up becoming her own crisis on top of it.

The Hermit is ruled by fear. There are some good pointers for ways to respond to those fears in Understanding the Borderline Mother. You are already refusing to feed them, so maybe you've already read that bit. I have a mostly Hermit mother, too.

I've been trying to figure out what mix of these types she is, and I think it's mostly waif/hermit.

[XL]

You know, this is bringing up an anger that's been welling up for several years. That I am not allowed to die. That if I ever die, it will be the ultimate betrayal and only effect her.

I'm not expecting to die soon, but it's a very childish, demanding world view. That I should sacrifice all of my enjoyment of this planet and nature and friendship to appease her fears. That I will be a huge jerk if I fail to literally re-write the laws of time and physics to become immortal. She did have a few miscarriages, and that might be where this is coming from, but it's suffocated my entire life. I'm a middle aged adult in relatively good health, and she would have me live in a supervised daycare.

It's a constant guilt trip for not being immortal, which is just so insane I can't play along or humor it anymore. There's also been weird stuff like me specifically saying (at an appropriate time) that I'd prefer cremation, and her insisting people need to be buried so their families can visit them. She thinks she owns me.