Too late to practice acceptance?

[daylily]

I am trying to set aside my resentment and accept my uBPDh for who he is, weaknesses and all.  I am having a really hard time.  I don't want to leave him, and I've decided that I won't unless he hurts our children or cheats on me.  We have been together for 12 years, married for 6.  He has hurt me so much and I've been attacked for so long that I have no empathy at all for him, and zero patience anymore.  I've said here before that I think it's almost like it's a primitive self-protection stance that my body and psyche are taking, regardless of what my mind wants to do.

I am a "roll with the punches" sort of person when it comes to everything else.  I give everyone else the benefit of the doubt and I try to understand where they are coming from.  I make the best of situations when I find myself in a bad one.  That's what kept me with my H for so long, but it has disappeared when it comes to him, and it's been replaced by this cold, hard facade.  

For example, my H has been depressed for days because his roommate from 30 years ago died unexpectedly back in his hometown.  He wanted to go to the funeral, which is across the country and would have cost us a lot of money we don't have.  This is not someone he has kept in touch with at all, but he is devastated.  I know in my mind that I should focus on the fact that he's feeling upset about this (the feelings are real to him and he's struggling with them).  I just can't bring myself to help him through it because all I can focus on is how crazy over-the-top this reaction is, and that (in my opinion) he shouldn't be having it.  His behavior and feelings just make me angry.  It doesn't help that he's using his upset over this event as an excuse to criticize and yell at me.

I don't want to be or feel this way.  I'm wondering, though, is there a "breaking point" where we're just done with it all and it's not possible to go back (or move forward) into acceptance and love?  If anyone has come back from the "breaking point," I'd love to hear about it and how you managed to do it.

  :)aylily

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ApChagi1]

I struggle with very similar things with my dBPDw.  She hasn't worked in over 5 years because of her illness, and refuses to do chores around the house, so I am left doing all the working and chores. 

Recently, she told me she doesn't like it when I do dishes at night when she goes to bed, which is usually around 9pm.  She said she would prefer I do them as soon as I'm home from work.  (How fun for  me!)  Thinking it was a great opportunity to offer a compromise, I said I would be glad to do that, as long as she could unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher during the day sometime.  Well that didn't go over well and she said she couldn't do that and that I was trying to control what she does during the day. 

So far, all I'm able to accept is my situation sucks.  I really need help accepting it for what it is and learning not to let it make me miserable.

[bruceli]

I struggle with very similar things with my dBPDw.  She hasn't worked in over 5 years because of her illness, and refuses to do chores around the house, so I am left doing all the working and chores. 

Recently, she told me she doesn't like it when I do dishes at night when she goes to bed, which is usually around 9pm.  She said she would prefer I do them as soon as I'm home from work.  (How fun for  me!)  Thinking it was a great opportunity to offer a compromise,.

Compromise?  I can not even count the number of times I have brought up that concept with my BPDw.  I have never gotten a response to it.  All I get is a blank stare like she does'nt even know the meaning of the word.

[VeryFree]

Hi Daylily,

I think I never reached a real breakingpoint, so I can't answer your question.

During my 10 y r/s I've often thought about divorce, but never was ready to go through with it. Now she has made that choice.

There were a lot of moments that the r/s was bad, very bad and it could last from hours untill months. I noticed that after making up, every time it became harder to set aside my feelings and give in. Therefore, speaking for me, I don't think there's a coming back from a breakingpoint.

[daylily]

Compromise?  I can not even count the number of times I have brought up that concept with my BPDw.  I have never gotten a response to it.  All I get is a blank stare like she does'nt even know the meaning of the word.

Compromise is too much of a "grey area" to be understood by pwBPD.  If it's your fault/responsibility/task, you should fix it/do it.  And EVERYTHING is your fault/responsibility/task!   

[bruceli]

Thankyou Daylilly... .  Of course... .  I think I was just to close to think clearly on this one.  Exactly... .  how could one who sees in black and white comprehend something in the middle.

[yeeter]

I reached a breaking point.

Was in the middle of divorce proceedings, still living together and three young children.  I became so frustrated with my wife one day that I up and broke a chair in the middle of the room (she was intentionally putting our 3 yr old in the middle of an argument between us, to be 'right' - and has a history of using the children in arguments - something I refuse to do).

Anyway, the police was called and I spent the night away from the house.  Then CPS follow ups, etc etc etc.

I had become someone I never wanted to be.  Not that I broke a chair out of frustration, but that I let someone get under my skin so much that I lost my own control to that degree.

So it triggered a reset in me.  I cried and sobbed like a baby for a few days.  Essentially needing to grieve and come to grips with the concept of 'giving up' - that I was never going to get what I genuinely wanted out of the relationship.  But that I was staying anyway.

Things are better now.  Calmer, less conflict, and our children are better off because of it.

I do sometimes yearn for a connected, loving relationship and a sense of sharing ones life with someone else.  But it wasnt in the cards (hey, I made the choice to marry her), so I try to fill those needs via friends/family.  Limiting, but for me it was better than the absolute chaos that it would be coparenting with a contentious, bitter ex.

[babyducks]

I reached a breaking point.

I had become someone I never wanted to be.  Not that I broke a chair out of frustration, but that I let someone get under my skin so much that I lost my own control to that degree.

0h Yeeter.  Yeah Me Too.   In one of our endless 'fix this relationship' conversations I let the frustration build to the point where I lost control to a degree that I never have in my life.  I ended up punching a wall and fracturing my right hand. 

I can still hardly believe it.  It feels very surreal.

It was the point of no return for me.   It was the wake up call about how unsafe and unhealthy this was.

I am still trying to process how I got so out of control.   and heal. 

[daylily]

yeeter and babyducks, 

Thank you for sharing your stories.    The ability of a pwBPD to get under our skin is astonishing.  I too have behaved badly when provoked by my H - thrown things, yelled at him in front of the kids, etc.  He seems to thrive on being able to have something concrete to blame me for.  "See, she's the crazy one!  I knew it!"  But I guess it all comes with the territory.

As much as I hate being so close to it, this illness also fascinates me.  They are so absorbed in their own emotions and seemingly uncaring about our feelings, but when it comes to spotting and filing away our triggers to break out at the appropriate time, they are keenly tuned into our emotions.

I have gotten a lot better at controlling myself so I don't behave in a way that I'll regret later, but I'm just "blah" when it comes to my H now.  It hurts me to write this, but I just don't like him, at least not right now.  I feel like the love has all been eaten up by the hurtful things he has said and done over the course of years.  Even when he's not hurting me, almost everything he says and does bothers me, because it seems like it's all either empty and shallow or over-the-top emotional and self-serving.  I used to admire him in many ways, but I don't allow myself to feel that anymore, just the negative stuff.

  Daylily

[yeeter]

It hurts me to write this, but I just don't like him, at least not right now. 

Profound.  I completely get it, because its the same for me.  At the basic level, I really dont like my wife. 

Oh well.  Now what?  Im still married and had to choose between two bad choices.  I didnt like either one, but there really were only two (stay and live with it, or leave and live with it).  I choose to stay and make the best of it.  Including stop making things worse and avoid the conflict, which we have been successful in doing.  By no means is it a model I recommend, and I dont have a lot of insight on just how to coach my children in terms of a relationship because I have become a little bitter/cynical about it (which is very unlike me and again something I never thought I would be). 

Hugs.  You play the cards you are dealt in life.  Learn, adapt, move forward.

[hithere]

Everyone has a different breaking point... .  maybe you have passed yours.  Perhaps try therapy, they may be able to help you figure this out.

I know for me personally I realized I would spend the rest of my life being unhappy while I tried to make someone else happy and would never be appreciated for it... .  that light-bulb moment made me realize I could not go on with my relationship with my BPD.

[arabella]

It hurts me to write this, but I just don't like him, at least not right now. 

Fair enough and completely understandable. Your original question was whether or not it was "too late" and whether you might learn to like/love him again. I think so. The key here is the "right now" part. Where you are at right now and where he is at right now don't mesh. But I know from reading other threads that you're working on yourself too, Daylily. So the version of 'you' that has nothing left to give, the one that isn't feeling the love? That's your 'right now' self. It's possible that the Daylily of the future will see things much differently. It's possible that, as you learn to take care of yourself and your own emotional needs, you won't feel so burnt out by your husband. Perhaps even his reactions to you will change. No guarantees of course, your H will still be himself, but I think there is always hope if we are willing to change ourselves. 

[daylily]

yeeter, I suppose I can't expect myself to like my H again any more than I can expect him to start behaving normally.  Maybe that's part of acceptance and realistic expectations.  They apply to my expectations of myself as well as my expectations of him.  Like you, the alternative is not one I am choosing to pursue for the same reasons.  

hithere, thanks for your insight.  If I didn't have children and I didn't have as much knowledge as I do about the process of divorce and its effect on kids, what you are saying would be my focus.  Unfortunately, my happiness isn't a consideration to me anymore. (Wow, that's crazy to see that in writing!)  I've accepted that I'm not going to be happy in my relationship but that I'm going to stay in it for other reasons.  Now I am trying to remove the barriers that are preventing me from using the tools I need to use to make things better (to the extent that's possible).  I guess "acceptance" doesn't mean I need to "like" my husband.  Part of acceptance is accepting that I don't, perhaps?  Whoa, that's deep!  

[daylily]

The key here is the "right now" part. Where you are at right now and where he is at right now don't mesh. But I know from reading other threads that you're working on yourself too, Daylily. So the version of 'you' that has nothing left to give, the one that isn't feeling the love? That's your 'right now' self. It's possible that the Daylily of the future will see things much differently. It's possible that, as you learn to take care of yourself and your own emotional needs, you won't feel so burnt out by your husband. Perhaps even his reactions to you will change. No guarantees of course, your H will still be himself, but I think there is always hope if we are willing to change ourselves. 

Thanks, arabella!  You're on a roll with me today.     I really appreciate your input; I'm learning a lot about my own  .

[arabella]

Thanks, arabella!  You're on a roll with me today.     I really appreciate your input; I'm learning a lot about my own  .

And thanks for letting me rant all over your threads, daylily! I'm finding your introspection quite useful myself.

[briefcase]

Hi daylily,

I occupied the "I don't like her right now" space for quite a while.  It takes time to process everything you've been through and decide what you want to do about it.  

One thing that helped me tremendously was really thinking about and focusing on my role in the relationship.  Sure, my wife did and said a lot of terrible things.  But, I allowed it.  I tried to control her and manage her emotions.  I lacked communication skills.  I owned a part of my own mental state - a big part.  

This is tricky territory because I don't want to imply that you "blame yourself" or that people with BPD are angels.    That's not what it's about.  It's about accepting that you aren't powerless here, that you have control over your life, and accepting that in the past you have not lived your life as you might wish or as your values require.  

When I thought about my role in the spiral of the relationship, It became a lot less about my wife and what she did. I had to come to grips with what I would and would not live with.  In an odd way, I grew to "dislike" myself (the self I had allowed myself to become) more than I disliked my wife.  Once I made changes to my own self and life, my wife's behaviors became much easier to deal with.

It's hard to put some of this stuff in words, hope you are following the general drift though.  

[yeeter]

I recommend reading briefcases post again.  Very much echos my experience.  The acceptance part is simply accepting the reality of what things are, and what they are not.  And the self reflection was well stated by briefcase.  There are some things about myself that I dont like, (which indirectly is a result of the relationship.  But it's still my my own responsibility to recognize, and own change to be the person I DO want to be.  you are not powerless.  You have control, even if that doesnt equal infinite idealistic choices.

It's still a work in progress, and slow coming, but I am making progress.  And also my wife is responding differently as a result.  So overall improvement.

Is it too late for acceptance?  No, of course not.  But acceptance means accepting the reality, and the reality might not be your internal sense of 'ideal'.  And letting go of these ideals and grieving that loss and then moving on With reality is all part of the process.

[daylily]

Thanks for the inspiration, briefcase and yeeter.  Here's what I'm going to do to start:

• I'm going to stop reacting to my H and start acting for myself.



• I'm going to stop anticipating what he might be thinking or feeling, and do what's best for our family.  If I want to know what he's thinking or feeling, I will ask him instead of guessing.



• I will stay calm when attacked, especially if in front of the children.



• I will not bring up subjects that may cause arguments in front of the children.



• I will compliment my H when he does something that impresses me or when he looks nice.



• I won't make passive aggressive comments.



• I won't make important decisions without first consulting with H and giving him a chance to provide his input.  After he's provided it, though, I won't obsess on it if it's not reasonable or if it's too emotionally charged to solve real problems.



• I will ask my H for help instead of doing everything myself and feeling like a martyr.  If he won't help, I will use healthy ways of communicating with him in an attempt to get him to contribute.  If he won't, I will accept this as my reality and try not to get resentful.



• I will not feel sorry for myself.



• I will not focus so much on being perfect at everything.  I will allow myself to fail or not get things done.



• I will focus on the positive things in my life and not on the negative things.



• I will allow myself some "me time" and I will do whatever needs to be done to create that time.



• I will try my best to support my H when he's feeling down instead of ignoring him, but I won't get caught up emotionally.



• I will not take on my H's emotions as my own.



• I do not need to fix everyone's problems.  It's unhealthy for me and for them.  If I start feeling the need to fix someone else's problem, I will be aware of that need so that I can address it when it comes up.



• I will pay attention to my own physiological reactions in response to my H's emotions (or perceived emotions) so that I can determine when I am taking on "his stuff."



• I will not discuss problems with my H in detail with anyone except on this board or with a therapist.



• I will protect my children at all costs.

I know there will be more additions to the list as I think about this in more detail.

[Randi Kreger]

I've noticed that some people make their "final limit" as something society says is wrong (such as infidelity) instead of looking at their own limits. Is it possible that your husband is already hurting your kids? Children learn what relationships are all about by watching their parents. I have a whole book on this.

[arabella]

I've noticed that some people make their "final limit" as something society says is wrong (such as infidelity) instead of looking at their own limits.

I find this thought very interesting. I think there's also a tendency for others to push for a 'final limit' based on a societal norm even if it doesn't fit with the individual's personal belief system. (E.g. for me infidelity is not a deal-breaker issue but verbal abuse of children is.) So this is an excellent point, and it flexes both ways, we need to be very careful that our limits are truly our own and not based simply on some popular conception or 'group think'.

[daylily]

I've noticed that some people make their "final limit" as something society says is wrong (such as infidelity) instead of looking at their own limits.

Is it possible that your husband is already hurting your kids? Children learn what relationships are all about by watching their parents. I have a whole book on this.

This IS very interesting.  Perhaps many nons don't really have any limits but say they have societal limits because they feel they should.  For me, infidelity is a limit because my H was unfaithful before we were married and it was one of the worst times in my life.  I just feel like it's something I couldn't forgive again, especially now that we are married. 

My H actually is a very good father.  He lives by certain rules that he has made for himself, or identities perhaps.  One of them is that he must be a good father no matter what.  What's hurting our kids is conflict.  I'm not diffusing conflict as much as I should when the kids are around.  And because of my anger and resentment I actually am escalating conflict lately even in front of the kids.  I agree that children of BPDs must be negatively affected by observing the relationship between the parents.  I'd like to think that us nons have some control over that by what we say to and model for our kids.  I tell my kids all the time how much I love them, and I talk to my S5 about strong emotions and healthy outlets for them.  I suppose there is some point where conflict becomes so intense and unhealthy in a household and the tools are not working, such that divorce is necessary to protect the children, but that's not us, at least not now.

[waverider]

Acceptance comes a bit at a time and there are two sides to it. Accepting them for the way they are, and also accepting yourself for struggling to deal with it.

You will not always cope, you will get frustrated, you will build resentment. Accept that you will do this regardless of best efforts, and plan distractions and safety valves for when this happens so you dont project it back and make things worse.

Accept that you are not a failure and your life is not the pits just because sometimes it stinks and you fall short. The problem with knowledge about BPD is that we often set our standards too high because we feel like we should know better what to do. But knowing and doing are worlds apart, accept that.

You are here, you are trying, that makes you a great person. That in itself is self validation, which is the first step on the path to acceptance