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Think About It... Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from abusive relationships because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources - and the emotions on both sides "amp" up. The best exit is one where you are boring and resigned. ~ Joseph Carver, PhD.
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Author Topic: He misses me, we're meeting up  (Read 2436 times)
lostkitten
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« on: May 09, 2013, 09:25:39 AM »

After a few weeks of NC, finally, he reached out and admitted he cares about me, and thinks of me often. I'm sick and tired of back and forth via email (text is no longer happening, due to me blocking him). Weeks ago, I asked to meet up in person, and he said he couldnt do it yet - he wasnt there. Well, yesterday he emailed, and he agreed to meet up on Saturday to talk about things and get me back some things of mine he has.

I know he's seeing someone else, still. I know I love him. I know i'm incredibly hurt by what he did and the way he's handled himself. He's kept saying that hes ready to be civil and friends - which I am not. However, i've never had the opportunity to sit down and have a conversation with him about things. Now, 6 months later, it's time.

So, what do you reccommend I do? I know to put myself together, not be a crying mess, and not beg. I do want to express my feelings towards him, and my thoughts on his behavior, without getting him or myself upset. Any advice?
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2013, 09:41:03 AM »

What matters is what do you want?  What do you need?  If he has BPD and you are looking for closure, you will likely not get any.  If you are looking to reconnect, you stated he has a girlfriend, so that's probably not a good idea.  If you are looking to just be his friend, you might pose your question on the Staying Board, where you can learn how to better interact with him. 

Here are some of the things you stated: You are hurt.  Tell him that.  You said you are not ready to be friends.  You love him.  You sound confused.  If so, I understand.  What will give you some peace of mind?
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asher2
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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2013, 09:44:17 AM »

lostkitten...   personally, I wouldn't do it. I too would love to meet with my ex and express my feelings to my ex, but would good would it do? She's mentally ill. She lives constantly in survival mode. She fears abandonment. How could she possibly understand MY feelings when all she really cares about is HER feelings? I too still love my ex, but I feel the most loving thing I can do for her and especially myself is stay away.

If you are planning on meeting him I'd be very careful. As you know, he's very manipulative...   its what they do (again, survival mode). Of course he is going to tell you he misses you. He wants to keep you around. You mentioned that he is seeing someone else...   be wary of triangulation (read definition). I'd be prepared of a full barrage of "I miss you" or "I want you back" but odds are he's just trying to keep his cupboard full of options. If you do decide to go through with meeting him, be prepared for a full attempt to reengage you.
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marbleloser
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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2013, 10:05:15 AM »

Maintain your boundaries.Be mindful of what's going on.You've no doubt learned alot about BPD.This will help you more than you realize right now.It'll be different.He'll be different,because he hasn't been around you to mirror.

If he starts to triangulate,you make the decision when you've had enough.You'll know it when you see it.

Remember,you control yourself,not him.You can walk away at any time.
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lostkitten
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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2013, 10:16:01 AM »

I'm hoping that being able to sit down with him, face to face, on our own terms (He has been "sniffing" around my regular haunts and trying to involve himself with my friends a lot recently) will help me heal. I know i'll never get a decent answer, or a reason I can accept, but i'm hoping that seeing him and talking to him can be therapeutic for me.

I'm not going to walk on eggshells, but i'm also not going to attack him. He's caused so much hurt for me to not want to express it to him. I'm nearly certain he'll brickwall, but I think, overall, the meeting will be more for me than him at this point. Hell, he walked out of an engagement and couldn't even talk to me then - so i'm hoping that just a discussion is what I need to be a catalyst to let go.

Of course, because i'm absolutely hopeless and a sucker for punishment, theres the tiniest bit of me that hopes him seeing me makes him realize what hes missing out on...  

He told me, yesterday, via email "What we had was great. But all great things come to an end." = which makes no sense to me at all. Who would walk away from a great relationship out of fear of it ending? I dont know what i'd do without the information from this board - so thank you, thank you, thank yoU!
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marbleloser
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« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2013, 10:29:19 AM »

I did the same.It sometimes helps to re-engage with new knowledge and awareness while maintaining your boundaries.It should be more about you than him.Yourself you have control over.Not anyone else.You owe him nothing.

"Of course, because i'm absolutely hopeless and a sucker for punishment, theres the tiniest bit of me that hopes him seeing me makes him realize what hes missing out on...  

"

Don't count on this,but be aware that he may use this in an attempt to recycle.Pay attention to his actions,not his words.
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« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2013, 10:30:20 AM »

lostkitten ...   I would refer you to the title of your thread...   "HE misses me, we are meeting up"...   really?...  

It sounds like he is still calling the shots...   and I would be suprised if he shows for your meeting at all, unless it suits his current needs.  Is this a situation you are comfortable with?...  

His email makes perfect sense to me...   when interpreted through the filter of BPD...  

What are you hoping from this meeting...   just thinking aloud, best case scenario...   ?
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lostkitten
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« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2013, 11:24:15 AM »

Ultimately, I want to either be able to let him go, or move on together. I know myself now, better than ever before, and I know what he's suffering from and with. Im hoping that (likely situation) we can talk like decent humans to each other, and get to some point of understanding with one another. Of course, i'd love for him to beg and cry and tell me he needs me - but i'm smart enough to know that is not likely, at all. I just want to be released from this hell ...   and it's inevitable i'll run into him soon enough, so i'd rather have the opportunity to see him, on our own terms, to prevent any run-ins.

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sm15000
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« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2013, 11:59:01 AM »

I know he's seeing someone else, still. I know I love him. I know I'm incredibly hurt by what he did and the way he's handled himself. He's kept saying that he's ready to be civil and friends - which I am not. However, I've never had the opportunity to sit down and have a conversation with him about things. Now, 6 months later, it's time.

Quote
"Of course, because i'm absolutely hopeless and a sucker for punishment, there's the tiniest bit of me that hopes him seeing me makes him realize what he's missing out on

Quote
Of course, i'd love for him to beg and cry and tell me he needs me - but i'm smart enough to know that is not likely, at all

I understand your need to want to meet up. . .but you will have to watch out that you're are really still not holding on to too much 'hope'. . .otherwise you will come out hurt.

I seem to recognise your incongruence between your head and your heart 

Keep in mind his actions versus his words - do they match?  His readiness to be friends might mean 'he's al-right for now, he has someone to prevent any abandonment issues but he'll keep you in the background, as friend.  As hurtful as it is, don't mistakenly think any of this is for concern about you.

Quote
Im hoping that (likely situation) we can talk like decent humans to each other, and get to some point of understanding with one another

I don't know if you will get what you want. . .be prepared for that.  If you want to state "how hurt you've been". . .that will have to be it, prepare yourself for no real acknowledgement of it.

As someone else mentioned keep your boundaries firm, and be mindful of what's going on. . .and be prepared HE will trigger you.

Good Luck 


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tailspin
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« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2013, 12:33:05 PM »

lostkitten,

If you feel strongly about having a conversation with him...   then you should.  I echo the comments of my friends above and will just caution you about unrealistic expectations.   

What we need we must give to ourselves and this includes love. 

tailspin
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