He misses me, we're meeting up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After a few weeks of NC, finally, he reached out and admitted he cares about me, and thinks of me often. I'm sick and tired of back and forth via email (text is no longer happening, due to me blocking him). Weeks ago, I asked to meet up in person, and he said he couldnt do it yet - he wasnt there. Well, yesterday he emailed, and he agreed to meet up on Saturday to talk about things and get me back some things of mine he has.

I know he's seeing someone else, still. I know I love him. I know i'm incredibly hurt by what he did and the way he's handled himself. He's kept saying that hes ready to be civil and friends - which I am not. However, i've never had the opportunity to sit down and have a conversation with him about things. Now, 6 months later, it's time.

So, what do you reccommend I do? I know to put myself together, not be a crying mess, and not beg. I do want to express my feelings towards him, and my thoughts on his behavior, without getting him or myself upset. Any advice?

[lostkitten]

After a few weeks of NC, finally, he reached out and admitted he cares about me, and thinks of me often. I'm sick and tired of back and forth via email (text is no longer happening, due to me blocking him). Weeks ago, I asked to meet up in person, and he said he couldnt do it yet - he wasnt there. Well, yesterday he emailed, and he agreed to meet up on Saturday to talk about things and get me back some things of mine he has.

I know he's seeing someone else, still. I know I love him. I know i'm incredibly hurt by what he did and the way he's handled himself. He's kept saying that hes ready to be civil and friends - which I am not. However, i've never had the opportunity to sit down and have a conversation with him about things. Now, 6 months later, it's time.

So, what do you reccommend I do? I know to put myself together, not be a crying mess, and not beg. I do want to express my feelings towards him, and my thoughts on his behavior, without getting him or myself upset. Any advice?

[Phoenix.Rising]

What matters is what do you want?  What do you need?  If he has BPD and you are looking for closure, you will likely not get any.  If you are looking to reconnect, you stated he has a girlfriend, so that's probably not a good idea.  If you are looking to just be his friend, you might pose your question on the Staying Board, where you can learn how to better interact with him. 

Here are some of the things you stated: You are hurt.  Tell him that.  You said you are not ready to be friends.  You love him.  You sound confused.  If so, I understand.  What will give you some peace of mind?

[asher2]

lostkitten... .  personally, I wouldn't do it. I too would love to meet with my ex and express my feelings to my ex, but would good would it do? She's mentally ill. She lives constantly in survival mode. She fears abandonment. How could she possibly understand MY feelings when all she really cares about is HER feelings? I too still love my ex, but I feel the most loving thing I can do for her and especially myself is stay away.

If you are planning on meeting him I'd be very careful. As you know, he's very manipulative... .  its what they do (again, survival mode). Of course he is going to tell you he misses you. He wants to keep you around. You mentioned that he is seeing someone else... .  be wary of triangulation (read definition). I'd be prepared of a full barrage of "I miss you" or "I want you back" but odds are he's just trying to keep his cupboard full of options. If you do decide to go through with meeting him, be prepared for a full attempt to reengage you.

[marbleloser]

Maintain your boundaries.Be mindful of what's going on.You've no doubt learned alot about BPD.This will help you more than you realize right now.It'll be different.He'll be different,because he hasn't been around you to mirror.

If he starts to triangulate,you make the decision when you've had enough.You'll know it when you see it.

Remember,you control yourself,not him.You can walk away at any time.

[lostkitten]

I'm hoping that being able to sit down with him, face to face, on our own terms (He has been "sniffing" around my regular haunts and trying to involve himself with my friends a lot recently) will help me heal. I know i'll never get a decent answer, or a reason I can accept, but i'm hoping that seeing him and talking to him can be therapeutic for me.

I'm not going to walk on eggshells, but i'm also not going to attack him. He's caused so much hurt for me to not want to express it to him. I'm nearly certain he'll brickwall, but I think, overall, the meeting will be more for me than him at this point. Hell, he walked out of an engagement and couldn't even talk to me then - so i'm hoping that just a discussion is what I need to be a catalyst to let go.

Of course, because i'm absolutely hopeless and a sucker for punishment, theres the tiniest bit of me that hopes him seeing me makes him realize what hes missing out on... .  

He told me, yesterday, via email "What we had was great. But all great things come to an end." = which makes no sense to me at all. Who would walk away from a great relationship out of fear of it ending? I dont know what i'd do without the information from this board - so thank you, thank you, thank yoU!

[marbleloser]

I did the same.It sometimes helps to re-engage with new knowledge and awareness while maintaining your boundaries.It should be more about you than him.Yourself you have control over.Not anyone else.You owe him nothing.

"Of course, because i'm absolutely hopeless and a sucker for punishment, theres the tiniest bit of me that hopes him seeing me makes him realize what hes missing out on... .  

"

Don't count on this,but be aware that he may use this in an attempt to recycle.Pay attention to his actions,not his words.

[Newton]

lostkitten ... .  I would refer you to the title of your thread... .  "HE misses me, we are meeting up"... .  really?... .  

It sounds like he is still calling the shots... .  and I would be suprised if he shows for your meeting at all, unless it suits his current needs.  Is this a situation you are comfortable with?... .  

His email makes perfect sense to me... .  when interpreted through the filter of BPD... .  

What are you hoping from this meeting... .  just thinking aloud, best case scenario... .  ?

[lostkitten]

Ultimately, I want to either be able to let him go, or move on together. I know myself now, better than ever before, and I know what he's suffering from and with. Im hoping that (likely situation) we can talk like decent humans to each other, and get to some point of understanding with one another. Of course, i'd love for him to beg and cry and tell me he needs me - but i'm smart enough to know that is not likely, at all. I just want to be released from this hell ... .  and it's inevitable i'll run into him soon enough, so i'd rather have the opportunity to see him, on our own terms, to prevent any run-ins.

[sm15000]

I know he's seeing someone else, still. I know I love him. I know I'm incredibly hurt by what he did and the way he's handled himself. He's kept saying that he's ready to be civil and friends - which I am not. However, I've never had the opportunity to sit down and have a conversation with him about things. Now, 6 months later, it's time.

"Of course, because i'm absolutely hopeless and a sucker for punishment, there's the tiniest bit of me that hopes him seeing me makes him realize what he's missing out on

Of course, i'd love for him to beg and cry and tell me he needs me - but i'm smart enough to know that is not likely, at all

I understand your need to want to meet up. . .but you will have to watch out that you're are really still not holding on to too much 'hope'. . .otherwise you will come out hurt.

I seem to recognise your incongruence between your head and your heart 

Keep in mind his actions versus his words - do they match?  His readiness to be friends might mean 'he's al-right for now, he has someone to prevent any abandonment issues but he'll keep you in the background, as friend.  As hurtful as it is, don't mistakenly think any of this is for concern about you.

Im hoping that (likely situation) we can talk like decent humans to each other, and get to some point of understanding with one another

I don't know if you will get what you want. . .be prepared for that.  If you want to state "how hurt you've been". . .that will have to be it, prepare yourself for no real acknowledgement of it.

As someone else mentioned keep your boundaries firm, and be mindful of what's going on. . .and be prepared HE will trigger you.

Good Luck 

[tailspin]

lostkitten,

If you feel strongly about having a conversation with him... .  then you should.  I echo the comments of my friends above and will just caution you about unrealistic expectations.   

What we need we must give to ourselves and this includes love. 

tailspin

[hithere]

without getting him or myself upset. Any advice?

I don't think there is anyway to avoid this turning into a bad experience... .  you will likely leave sad and angry being no closer to any type of real closure, it is the nature of the beast.

My best advice is that if he has BPD, don't meet up with him.

[babyducks]

I never got the response I anticipated from emotional conversations with my ex.  She was always in a much different place from where I was.  When I would express that my feelings were hurt or that I was upset, one of two things happened, either it became a contest, "well you hurt me worse" or I heard  "you are too sensitive".  I heard a great deal about how hyper sensitive I was and how she couldn't deal with it.   

There is some truth to that, I am fairly sensitive.  There is also some truth to the fact that her symptoms of mental illness makes it very difficult for her to acknowledge my feelings or that I have a legitimate right to them.

Eventually I learned that in my situation, conversations like this were counter productive. Once we managed a reasonable conversation but mostly it was an exercise in frustration and futility. 

[MontyD]

Lostkitten,

Want advice, don't do it.

If he is a pwBPD, and you do happen to pull this off and come away from the meeting feeling better than you do now,  get straight  back here and tell us how you did it.

There are many of us here would love to know !

We have all tried this and failed.

Monty

[Clearmind]

Be mindful and ready to establish some strong boundaries - he could very well blame-shift.

At what point will you get up and leave? Where is your limit if he does shift blame?

What are your expectations of the meeting? What would you say if his current relationship is faltering?

[LoveNotWar]

Lostkitten, you either want to let him go or move forward together?

Do you feel like you are in limbo right now? Not with him but also not able to let him go?

And you want to be released from this hell?

You have the key to open this door and release yourself, you DO HAVE that power. 

I'm doubting HE will release you, it seems like one trait many pwBPD share is the need to recycle or have a backup relationship. 

[maria1]

Lostkitten

Be careful.

I did it- ultimately contact with my ex has helped me detach but I have only just survived intact and it's taken me a long time. And the first time I saw him after nearly 10 weeks NC my head was completely mashed. I couldn't say no to him. I managed to not be intimate with him in any way but I spent the next 3 days with him, seeing him every day and even let him sleep in my bed the first night. He was in a bad way so I could see the disorder very clearly. All he wanted was for me to agree to get back together with him and he tried anything to do that.

If he had been less dysregulated I might have ended up going back in. I felt like I was in a dream that I had to shout myself awake from at the end of the 3 days. I had to go NC again. That's moved to LC here and there over the months since.

I've finally just told him to never contact me again and that I won't either. I've finally realised he has no need of me and I no need of him. It is a huge relief.

Please take care of YOU and keep posting, whatever happens

[Rose Tiger]

Get your stuff and skadoodle.  Keep the convo light, know that what he says today, will change tomorrow.  Without a complete self, they just can't even fathom knowing who we really are.  It's all an act to protect the false self they portray.

Sorry to be so blunt.  You know the old saying, until you love yourself, you can't love another.  First off, they don't have a developed self, second, they do not love themselves. 

Keep it light, validate, walk away at abuse and get your stuff. 

[LetItBe]

I echo what everyone else has already said.

Keep in mind that since you haven't been in his life for awhile, one of his triggers (you) has been removed.  He might not be triggered again until he feels intimate and close to you again.  If he's like my ex, that could mean that he can be understanding and willing to offer "comfort" -- when it serves him -- until he's triggered.  If he's like a lot of pwBPD, he can be very seductive.  I've decided it's best for me not to be around my ex at all because of the addictive attraction.  I have to do what's best for ME and not be at the end of his chain when he decides he misses me (because I know he will).