Our son is 36 years old...

[grits52]

Hello, really not sure if I'm doing this right or not.     my daughter found this web site for me so her I am. 

Our son is 36 years old, has not held a job any longer than 2 years at the most and has had several jobs.  We have been dealing with his behavior since his late teens making us think he was possibly bipolar.  He has had the opportunity to receive help on numerous occasions.  First therapist he saw told him he was an alcoholic, I believe he was around 20 or 21.  He siad that is what made him drink more and refused to see  her again.  Since that time he has had several relationships that did not work out. Suicide attempts twice that we are aware of.  We have been with him to counseling, I guess I'm saying we have offered help and been there to help.  The only  help he wants is money to bail him out when he doesn't have it.  He has such a feeling of entitlement.  He and his girlfriend moved in with us Christmas before last because thhey had a huge blowup with her family about them living with her mother and grandmother after he lost his job.  They both got jobs 6 months after they moved in with us.  At that time they moved an hour up the road from us. We have helped them financially, nearly draining us.  She is a hard worker and is a codependent.  He is currently unemployed again after quiting 2 jobs since last June.  At this point in time their relationship is rocky.  He just spins his wheels at applying for jobs.  Says over and over again he just wants to do something he enjoys but can never determine what that is.  Does his usual of sleeping all day, not returning calls or text.  Calling only if he needs something, etc.  I ask him what he would do if his fiancée left.  He said he guessed he would move in with us.  His dad and I both told him that wasn't happening.  How do we deal with this without him trying suicide again?  My husband has taken a job out of state and I am here left to deal with selling a house and my son and his fiancée.  This is not the first time, I have done this several times before.  We have been married for almost 43 years and have moved 16 times.  I have ad 36 different addresses, so you  can see where some of his problem comes from.  Our family is perfect, but we love each other.  Our daughter who is the oldest has a home, job, and family.  Sometimes she as well as us don't see how this happened.  He is the youngest and has always been more sensitive.  I don't know if I should move 11 hours away or stay close by.  One of our moves was after a suicide attempt to move closer to him for support.  He them moved 12 hours away.  What does a parent in this situation do?  Thanks for any suggestions you can give me, it is greatly appreciated.  One other thing, when they moved in with us we told him no alcohol of which he really didn't pay any attention to. 

I talked with a alcohol counselor who said he couldn't be diagnosed until he was completely off the alcohol, so you can see I'm not positive what I am dealing with. 

Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

  Grits52

There are many parents here is similar painful situation. It is so hard to let go of our grown up kids when they seem so unable to help themselves. There are many resources here for you to figure out if your S fits the BPD criteria - at least from your perspective as the mom. I hope you will take the time to check out the "What a parent can do" post at the top of the board index page. Click on the blue link here to check it out:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0

We are glad you have found us. We care - we understand - keep coming back to let us know how you are doing.

qcr  

PS - I just want to scream when I hear a professional say that part about you have to be cured before we can help you.  Many people with mental illness use alcohol and drugs to self medicate. There are many programs available that deal with dual diagnosis -- addiction and mental illness. Yet, it is true that if the addiction is controlled other treatments can work to their best ability.

The hardest part for me is that my BPDDD26 refuses any kind of treatment, and does not accept that she has any substance abuse issues. She does not accept her BPD dx - only her depression and anxiety issues.

[parent of bpd daughter]

Hi grits52,

I am sorry for your situation and also glad you have found this site for support. Funny thing

I was just craving Grits the other day :-)

Your story sounds so familiar - my BPDD is now 33 and has had about 10 relationships and 10 different jobs - nothing sticks. She also only contacts when she needs something, doesn't return texts, calls, letters etc.

We have all done all we can here - if we hadn't - we wouldn't be here on this site - we'd be out there in denial

about it all.

My advice would be - 1) Get YOU some help - I cannot survive this without counseling - it is a very difficult thing to have a mentally ill child no matter how strong you are - you need help for YOU. 2) Do what YOU feel is best at this point for YOU - if you feel moving is what YOU want to do - do it, if not, don't  - you have sacrificed long enough - it's time for YOU now.

My BPDD 33yo is also in a relationship now - and I am actually more than willing to pass the baton of caring onto her new partner - as I have done all I can and it has cost me preciously in my own physical and mental health. Time for someone else to pick up the heavy lifting now. I am here if needed, will provide financial support when I can, send cards etc, but I cannot be primary caregiver anymore - I have offered - same as you - all the therapy in the world, you know you can drag a horse to water, but can't make them drink.

I've done all I can do - I am learning to love with detachment thanks to the wonderful souls here on this site and my therapist and other non-BPD daughter.

Mental illness is very hard on families - I hope for some societal progress in the next few decades so we have more available to us all.

God Bless and take care.

[vivekananda]

Hi grits52  ,

You sound a bit tired and a little frustrated about the situation you find yourself in. So understandable. It feels like being on tenderhooks, waiting for the call and what will it be this time? This should be our golden years right? Instead we find ourselves grieving for our living child and on call at a moment's notice.

You have come to the right place   well done! this is a supporting, caring community of people who understand. We are all in it together. My dd is 32... .  she hasn't been diagnosed with BPD either, but we believe it is BPD.

The thing is, there is hope for us. Since I have been here, my relationship with my dd (dear daughter) has improved (She was no contact with me for most of last year). I saw her last week and pointed out to her the only time she contacted her dad was for money. She said that's all he can do for me... .  all so sad.

qcarolr (see below) wanted to point you in this direction:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0

I highly recommend this to you.

There are tools for us to use to help us in our journey. The first is values based boundaries, the second is validation. There are layers of understanding in these concepts and it takes a bit of learning to feel comfortable using them - much like any tools. But, as 'parent of a BPD daughter' says. The first thing is to look after yourself! Do you have a T (therapist) you can see?

Have an explore of the site, have a read of the link and let us know what you think, ok? You see the best support is to be found here on our boards where we can support each other, so keep on posting, ok?

cheers,

Vivek      

[pessim-optimist]

Hi grits52!

 

Welcome to this site! You are doing a wonderful job posting.

So, there's  to a wonderful start!

Thank you for sharing your story. So much worry. I see you care so much for your son... .     

You ask a couple of questions.

First, about your move: Your husband took a job far away. When your son attempted suicide, and you moved to be closer, he then moved away. Do you have any reason to think you should not follow your husband and be where he is?

Second, about what to do to prevent our child's suicide attempts: As hard as that may sound, that is not something that we can control. You can try to be supportive of him, and be there for him within the limits of your safety and sanity, but it still does not guarantee a positive outcome... .  

As he goes through life, you will not be able to shelter him from the consequences of his actions, and the sooner he faces them, the sooner he can conclude that he has a problem and needs to work on himself. You can then be there for him to validate his experience, to support him without rescuing or enabling him.

In the meantime, you can learn on this site and from other resources and books to find out what you're dealing with and confirm or rule out whether it is BPD. That will help you help him in a more effective way.

Welcome again, and take good care of yourself, when we're strong, that's when we can be of most help to others.   

[grits52]

I can see there are so many wonderful people here! Just knowing I have someone I can talk to helps greatly.  There are times he can be so loveable, then it changes.  I am so weary of the rollarcoaster ride!  I feel responsible for him because he is my flesh and blood and I feel as if our moving and him being in different schools is what caused this to happen.  Yes I would love to be with my husband, but I am afraid to leave him.  His SO has not left yet, but I am afraid what will happen to him if she does.  He has no other family close by.  A couple of friends is all he has.  His sister is 2 1/2 years older, has a very busy life and family about 15 hours away.  So you understand my fear of leaving.  I feel like I am torn between my husband and my son.  I cannot allow him to live with us unless he gets rid of the alcohol, gets some kind of job, and gets professional help.  He wil drain us quickly if we let him. (finacially) and  never think a thing about it except  saying we shouldn't let it happen, its basically our fault.  Again, not taking any type of responsibility.  He informed us we wasted a lot of money on psychiatrist and meds. in the past 17 or years.  He says he does not have an alcohol problem or any other type of problem, I am the one who has a problem along with the rest of th e family.

[Eclaire5]

Welcome Gritz, hopefully you will find some relief coming here. It seems like you are still struggling with some guilt and feelings of responsibility, just like we all do at times. It’s so easy for us as parents to blame ourselves for the way our children turn out, but even though environment plays a big part, this illness can also be caused by biological factors. Try not to blame yourself so much for the moves, if that was the real cause then your daughter would have had the same problems, don’t you think? Or even in a bigger spectrum, if moving was so detrimental, then all the children in military families would mentally ill. Sometimes I find myself picking at the smallest mistakes I made when my daughter was little and feel excruciating guilt thinking that it was my entire fault that she is BPD, but then I come to my senses and see the situation in a more objective light. This helps me to stay grounded and not give in to the guilt trips that she so often pulls. Be gentle with yourself and avoid any harsh self-criticism, we can be our worst judges at times! Wishing you all the best.

[vivekananda]

He says he does not have an alcohol problem or any other type of problem, I am the one who has a problem along with the rest of th e family.

Last night I was lying in bed thinking about this very sort of dilemma. They are the ones with BPD but it is us who have to change... .  

grits52, we may not have been the ones who have caused the BPD, but we are so important to being able to support our loved ones... .  and really, we need to change to do just that! Don't you think? You have heard it said that if you keep on doing the same thing and expect a different result - that's the real definition of craziness? So perhaps we need to change what we are doing to get a different result for ourselves.

There is a thing called FOG: Fear, obligation and guilt. Have a look at this link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

When we look at what we did when they were younger, we can drive ourselves crazy. Perhaps we are better off looking at what we can do now. What do you think you can do now?

Thinking of you grits,

Vivek