I'm back... and I'm done for good this time

[crashintome]

She did it again.  I absolutely have to be done.  For my own sanity and well being, I have to cut her out of my life and move on.

She contacted me about a month ago.  She said, ":)o you still hate me"  I said I never hated her, I just hated what she did to me.  There was a lot of back and forth.  I basically told her I couldn't be just friends.  She said she was "healing" from this last relationship but, as soon as she was better, it would be be, for sure.

So, I bought her about $1500 worth of stuff she said she needed.  A hoist for her Jeep, a pair of shoes, expensive headphones, concert tickets (that I was supposed to go to).  I paid to have her hair done, I paid for her to go out golfing.  She said she needed $400 because she overdrew her bank.  I set her up as bill pay.  She said she was about $750 a month short on all of her bills - I offered to give it to her.

She wanted me to spend the summer with her (I'm a teacher - off all summer) and take care of her.  I agreed. 

I started suspecting she was dating, but I live states away so I couldn't confirm.  She would get SO MAD when I would ask her, which is a red flag with her.  If she is lying, she throws it back at you like you're crazy.

I found out yesterday that she has a girl coming in from Ohio to spend the weekend with her.  I'm crushed.  It hasn't hit me yet, but it will.  I am devastated that I was this dumb again.  I've spent upwards of $3000 on her in the last 2 recycles.  I need to say I've been used for the last time.

Please, I know none of you know me but I need strength right now.  I know she will contact me again - she is a financial mess and she has no one else to pay her bills.  I need you all to please keep me strong is telling her no more.

[crashintome]

Oh, and I forgot to add... .  

We had a HUGE blow out last night when I confronted her. 

This morning, she text me asking if I would still be transferring money into her account.

And, she has my debit card number.  I think I should probably change it.  She's used it without asking the last few weeks.  I don't think I can trust her to just delete it.

[marbleloser]

Cancel the debit card today and don't transfer any money.That should send a clear message to her.

Also,go NC and don't let her pull on your heartstrings.This should make you mad enough that you have the incentive to stop this now.She's a big girl.She can take care of herself.Time for tough love.For you and her.

[crashintome]

I stopped the transfer and cancelled the automatic bill pay of $750 a month.

I hate that she may have to sell things and give up things, but if she can't take care of my feelings, then I can't take care of her bills.

[hithere]

Consider getting therapy... .  being used is very painful.

[slimmiller]

I stopped the transfer and cancelled the automatic bill pay of $750 a month.

I hate that she may have to sell things and give up things, but if she can't take care of my feelings, then I can't take care of her bills.

Kuddos! Stick to your guns. She may rage initially then go all charming on you trying to get you to reverse your decision.

However, your above comment is telling. In a healthy mutual relationship, you dont pay like that in order to have someone take care of our feelings... .

As much as I hate to say it, its a .

It shows how much she has you in the FOG.

[lhd981]

You are clearly a caring person with a big heart; I don't think you're dumb at all! It's hard to see when we're in the moment, but never lose sight of that clarity you eventually come into - no matter what sob story she comes at you with.

If somebody would have told me a few years ago that I'd be doling out thousands of dollars every month to support a woman several states away, I would've laughed it off. Yet that's precisely what happened three years ago with my first BPD exgf. Since I'm reasonably successful and am rather "conspicuous" about my money, I've heard many questionable, pull-on-the-heartstrings stories of woe from people in the past, but never fell for it. She was different. She was sweet, loving and very affectionate. My money didn't impress her one bit. Sure, she was in a "little" financial trouble, but I more than had the means to help her, so I went for it. After all, our love would overcome all... .  

When I finally got my head back after that relationship, my accountant pointed out that I had spent around $60k in 15 months JUST on her/us (which includes my almost weekly trips out there and the cost of moving her out here with me). She had the nerve to contact me a few months after the breakup and ask for "a few grand to get her back on her feet". I obliged - just to get her out of my hair. Of course, I still paid our joint cell phone bill for the next year - naturally, the most expensive plan with all the bells and whistles. The last I heard, she's with another wealthy guy.

[recoil]

... .  and don't feel guilty about cancelling your financial support.

They are survivors.

[crashintome]

Financially, she is a mess.  She works 20+ hours a week in overtime alone and still can't pay her own bills.

She is very showy.  She wants the best of everything and is very proud of what she has.  I don't think she will willingly sell off anything at all.  Logistically, she cannot work any more than she already does.

This is why I know she will be back and this is why I need to be strong.

Most of my friends, with the exception of 3, don't know I've been talking to her.  If they did, they would be livid and I'd probably lose most of them.  I have basically no one to lean on in my real life.

[slimmiller]

Its so very hard to be strong when they go all sweet and 'woe is me'  For me it helps to realize helping sometimes is actually not helping because it only prolongs their plight.

Maybe complete NC and getting involved in things to distract you as in getting a new hobbiw may help you to face the inevitable which is her contacting you. Maybe block her numbers, e-mails, etc.

As someone else asked, are you in counseling? That helped me greatly just for the sake of clarity.

Be strong and stay close to this board. To me this forum was also a great help in detaching in that I was able to see my situation for what it really was

[Validation78]

Hi Crash!

Sorry to hear that this is so hard for you. Please do what you have to in order to take care of yourself, feelings and finances. pwBPD are notorious for pushing boundaries, so you must decide what your boundaries are, and what you will do to enforce them. She will figure things out on her own. She is an adult, and will have  to be responsible for herself. You didn't create this, and you can't fix it. She'll keep pushing the limit until you put a stop to it.  If you're sure this is it for you, don't allow her to play on your sympathies. It's bait, waiting to be taken, however, you have all the control to not do so.

I know it's hard, however in order to heal, you must remove yourself from the FOG! What can you do to feel good, and to take care of yourself?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[crashintome]

Thanks, everyone.

I talked to her mom.  Her mom said she gave her $200, as well as her dad.  So, while she was crying broke to me, she had $400 from her parents.  I mean, it's not a lot of money, but she was acting like she was overdrawn.

I don't *want* to let her go.  I care deeply for her.  But, I have to be done.  She is draining me emotionally and financially.  She won't rest until I am dead.

[LoveNotWar]

You absolutely know what you want to do and what you have to do... .  stay strong! You CAN do this!   

[WillSurvive420]

change your debit card, change your phone number, move from your address... .  RUN, dont walk! Remember Jodi Arias' boyfriend... .  and be like if i stay that could be me... .  

[crashintome]

In speaking more with her mom, I found out that she was going around BRAGGING that she had this date this weekend.  She's telling everyone - except for me.  I feel like such an idiot for falling for it again.

After everything in the past, I still can't shake that I love her.  Whenever I would bring it up to her, she would tell me to stop living in the past and to let it all go but she hasn't changed.  I don't think she ever will change.

Her mom also thinks she has BPD.  Her mom and sister don't believe she is even going to therapy.  Her sister offered to go to a recommended therapist with her and she just shrugged it off.  She's sick.  Her ex-girlfriend said the same thing.  Everyone around her knows she is on a downward spiral.  All of this considered, why can't I just walk away?

This girl should be going home (she lives about 3-4 hours away) tomorrow.  I don't know if I will hear anything but, if I do, I need to tell myself I am better alone than with her.  She really won't rest until I have nothing left to give.