Hurt my dBPDh

[lizzie458]

I was just talking with dBPDh over the phone about a possible promotion for him at work, he was telling me he’s gotten an interview.  He was monologue-ing as usual and as a knee-jerk reaction, I tried asking him a question as he was talking because I was into the conversation and I just do that regardless of who I’m talking to.  If I’m really present, questions pop up as they are talking and sometimes I ask them if they haven’t stopped in a few minutes.  This triggers him and I have been trying to be sensitive to him because I know how much it hurts him, but whatever, it happened today because I’m not perfect.

So he snaps back at me in a nasty tone which triggers me…and today I did a good thing!  I took a time out for myself.  But I didn’t execute it beautifully; I froze, thought about what I needed to do, and hung up on him.  Then I quickly texted him explaining I needed a time out.  When I calmed down a few minutes later, I texted “thank you for understanding.”  I was in the middle of writing him a note apologizing for hanging up on him and explaining that it was the best I could do and I hope to do better in the future – not in the hopes that he would understand, but hey you never know with him.  I was too late – he fired back “I don’t want to see you tomorrow (we usually don’t see each other until the weekend due to conflicting schedules).  I will not be going to (our son’s friend’s) birthday party.”  I responded “OK”  “I’m sorry I hurt you”

I do feel like my actions caused hurt in this case and I’m OK with that, I think apologizing in that way was appropriate.  I am also a little bit tempted to finish that note about working to detach (not the word I would use) more respectfully, but I really think it’s best to just give him space and let him calm down and have his feelings.  If we get there later, I will likely mention it, but I’m not overwhelmingly compelled to do it now.

I’d like to get some feedback on this from you guys, thoughts?

Side note – I’m so thankful that right now I am in a place where my world has not just come crashing down because of what H said.  I feel like right now I am lovingly detaching, and it also has occurred to me that there is a good chance he will not follow through anyway on what he said (whether he will or won’t isn’t really a big deal, but just acknowledging that there’s a big chance he won’t is a positive step for me).

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

You're almost there.    

The execution part will get easier as you get less triggered by what he says.  You get to a place where you hear the nasty tone, but it no longer really triggers you - you just know its time to take a time out.  Spend some time thinking about exactly what you want to say the next time you need to take a time out - and practice it by saying it out loud to yourself.  I used to take walks and practice what I would say in certain situations - neighbors must have thought I was nuts, walking around mumbling to myself!

Keep it simple and neutral in tone and hopefully you won't freeze up in the moment next time.  

And yes, an apology for hanging up on him was probably an appropriate apology.  We aren't perfect.  

[lizzie458]

Thanks Briefcase!  Is it codependent to approach him about this after I get home from work?  It seems like the thing to do would be to wait until he comes to me, but I'm not really sure.  If I did approach him, I would likely ask how he's doing and test the waters a bit to see if he's ready to talk.

[momtara]

A normal spouse realizes that no one is perfect.  As long as you say you are working on it, he should understand.  But I used to find myself apologizing for too much stuff.  He would make all these rules.  So just try to figure out what is realistic and what is not.  Interrupting his 'monologue' could be rude or normal - depends on how other people see it.

[waverider]

First accept that you wont always respond in a perfect way, that is ok. Second acknowledge that you dealt with far better than the average person, so give yourself a big vote of confidence there.

A short sweet apology is fine, but be vary wary about slipping into JADE and putting him on the high moral ground and undermining it.

Bottom line is, monologing someone is self absorbed and insensitive behavior. So you interrupting is his perception of right and wrong is not the reality, so keep your "infraction" in perspective.

At times you have to go against the grain and do things that might be triggering, the trick is learning to do that in the least destructive way. Less is more is a good principle here... . You may have to make a boundary about your right to contribute to a conversation and not just listen to monologue. As you have shown you have the power to hang up so you have the power to enforce a boundary.

When I get monologued like this, I raise my hand in front of my chest as a non interuptive sign that I want to say something (doesn't work on phone obviously). This gives an opportunity to my partner to make an opening  for me to say something, this will be followed by "can I ask/say something". If she does not then allow me to contribute, I leave the conversation. Otherwise I get frustrated and resentment starts to build up.

Do this enough times and there is no need to explain anything

[lizzie458]

Great ideas, waverider!  My apology was for hanging up on him in a less respectful way - I agree, that interrupting him was innocent and not something I really feel badly about.  In fact, I got so wrapped up in the conflict resolution that I forgot to address the initial trigger!  Glad you brought it up.

I am stealing your idea about the non-verbal sign, and gave him a heads up about that tonight.  He did not take that well, but that's no real surprise.  Lately I have really been working on enforcing my boundaries without JADE, and I appreciate the encouragement on that!

When I came home from work I was going to check in with H to see if he was ready to process, but to my surprise I came home to a vase of fresh flowers and a note saying "here is my olive branch, let's be more patient and loving with each other"!  This is new behavior for him, he doesn't idealize as much as the typical BPD (if there is such a thing).  He seemed really distant still though - which may have something to do with the fact that we didn't really get a chance to connect before he rushed out the door to work (screaming baby, etc.).  As luck would have it, I was awake when he came home from his shift a few hours ago and we carried on a cordial conversation, but it wasn't long before he dysregulated about some random things we were talking about.  I had to take some really deep breaths once he stormed out, but each time I stay strong makes me stronger for the next one, I think.  It's funny though, I felt really healthy and strong the last few days - but all of that flipped in an instant tonight and I was transported back to my childhood when my dad emotionally withdrew and all I wanted was my daddy (in this case, my hubby).

I'm very thankful for this board, and that I've plugged in here more lately.