Struggling son of uBPD mom

[NervousGuy]

I don't know where to start to be honest. I always had a rough time with my mom, for as far as my memory goes. It only got worse as I grew older, especially when I started school. I had my fair share of problems when I was in the school system because I was above average when I was tested, it ostracized me along with a lethal food allergy and I grew very depressed from being socially rejected and underachieved.

My mom always tried to enmesh herself in my life, with heavy handed interventions. She has a background in psychology (an irony not lost on me) and part of her abuse was her constant "diagnoses" of me. She was convinced that I was autistic, later Asperger's Syndrome, something she convinced my sister and other family members for a long time of. Then when I had my episode of depression and started lashing out at her she became convinced I was Bipolar. There was always something wrong with me that needed to be fixed in her eyes.

I know that my grandmother was uBPD, because my mother and aunt have been open about their abuse at her hands, and she was almost a textbook case. However I never considered her being BPD because I was "mentally unstable" and thus it was my fault for perceiving things incorrectly. In fact, she even uses my grandmother as evidence that what she does is "not abusive". It was only when I recently got over my fear of psychiatry and started talking to a therapist that they suggested that my mother had a personality disorder.

I've tried to talk to my sister and dad about it, but they aren't very supportive of me. My dad is very submissive to my mother and thinks I "always think things are worse than they really are". My sister (who has always had a better relationship with my mom probably because she was socially accepted and a good average student) thinks that I should do group counseling with my mother and that I have to admit that things are the way they are because I'm partially at fault. Not to mention that previous attempts have resulted in my mother putting on her June Cleaver act and then having her revenge against me when it's over.

This is all really new to me, but all I need right now is to be certain that I'm not crazy. As much as I find this to be accurate, I still can't get over the doubt and self-blame that makes me almost want to say I'm just making it up to excuse my own personal failings.

Thanks for reading such a long post.

[Suzn]

Hello NervousGuy   

I wanted to extend a warm welcome to you.    I'm sorry you have gone through all of this with your mother. Such a painful situation for you. You are not crazy. BPD is a serious and confusing disorder, we all understand what you've been dealing with.

Kuddos to you for reaching out to a therapist! I think it's important to listen and trust your therapist going forward with  what he suggests as far as any group counseling with your mother and not rely on family members to direct you with what they think is best. Your mother will not get better until she accepts there's an issue with herself and seeks therapy on her own. However, we can indeed help you with learning some specific communication skills necessary to "not make things worse" in your interactions with her.

I'm really glad you have found us, you've come to the right place. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story. Take good care of you. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Nervousguy!  

I'm sorry that you've had such a rough time with your mother. I have a uBPD mother too so I can (unfortunately) relate to your story.

She has a background in psychology (an irony not lost on me) and part of her abuse was her constant "diagnoses" of me. She was convinced that I was autistic, later Asperger's Syndrome, something she convinced my sister and other family members for a long time of. Then when I had my episode of depression and started lashing out at her she became convinced I was Bipolar. There was always something wrong with me that needed to be fixed in her eyes.

Having your mother treat you like this must have been very hurtful and confusing. My mother did similar things. I remember one particular instance when I was completely fed up with her mean and crazy behavior. She denied any wrongdoing and instead said that I needed a psychiatrist.

In fact, she even uses my grandmother as evidence that what she does is "not abusive". It was only when I recently got over my fear of psychiatry and started talking to a therapist that they suggested that my mother had a personality disorder.

This is a classic trick many abusers use to get away with what they're doing. Always pointing out how bad other people are to make you feel like the way they're treating you isn't that bad at all. People with BPD are often very manipulative.

I've tried to talk to my sister and dad about it, but they aren't very supportive of me. My dad is very submissive to my mother and thinks I "always think things are worse than they really are". My sister (who has always had a better relationship with my mom probably because she was socially accepted and a good average student) thinks that I should do group counseling with my mother and that I have to admit that things are the way they are because I'm partially at fault. Not to mention that previous attempts have resulted in my mother putting on her June Cleaver act and then having her revenge against me when it's over.

Not having the support of your father and sister isn't easy. Sounds like they're still in denial or are still brainwashed. BPD parents often split their children in all-good and all-bad, do you feel like your mother did this to you and you sister too? The all-good child can do no wrong in their eyes while the all-bad child gets blamed for everything.[/quote]

This is all really new to me, but all I need right now is to be certain that I'm not crazy. As much as I find this to be accurate, I still can't get over the doubt and self-blame that makes me almost want to say I'm just making it up to excuse my own personal failings.

Thanks for reading such a long post.

You're not crazy! You'll find that many people on here can relate to your experiences with your mother. Take care   By the way, your post really wasn't that long at all

[NervousGuy]

Having your mother treat you like this must have been very hurtful and confusing. My mother did similar things. I remember one particular instance when I was completely fed up with her mean and crazy behavior. She denied any wrongdoing and instead said that I needed a psychiatrist.

I have to admit I used to be terrified of psychiatry, mainly because my mom used it as a weapon. Whenever I'd get too "out of control" she'd threaten to have me institutionalized and given ECT and that having that would be a "black mark" for getting a job, etc. I was also coerced to take anti-depressants which gave me rather bad side effects, and my objections were muted because it was either that or involuntary commitment. I also had to see the same therapist my mom went to, which was rather uncomfortable for me because I didn't trust him, especially after decades of her supposedly seeing the guy and she isn't even aware of being BPD.

Not having the support of your father and sister isn't easy. Sounds like they're still in denial or are still brainwashed. BPD parents often split their children in all-good and all-bad, do you feel like your mother did this to you and you sister too? The all-good child can do no wrong in their eyes while the all-bad child gets blamed for everything.

My sister was spared a lot of the treatment I received, and I did feel like she was treated better than me. My problems with school stressed her out more and so she would explode on me, but because my sister didn't have such problems she wasn't verbally berated or hit as much as I was. Whenever I protested the unfairness of punishment she'd usually retort, "What do you want me to do? Beat her? She gets good grades!" and put on a show where she'd call my sister into the room and tell her to "put out your arms so I can beat you with a belt." or "burn you with this cigarette." to shame me.

I feel like she actively encouraged me to hate my sister, and she is extremely jealous of the fact that I am closer to my dad than her. She berates him for "being soft" on me because I'm "his favorite" and threatens to divorce him all the time so that she can leave him to be with me, which is "what he obviously wants". She never really acknowledges any of this, except when I went to college which was 3 hours away. I stopped talking to my mom and she grew terrified of me cutting her out of my life. She'd eavesdrop on calls I made to my dad or sister, and would get really maudlin about how "I have to forgive her". A lot of the time I wouldn't want to come home on holidays, and she'd emotionally terrorize my dad to get him to convince me to come home and "stop being selfish". Needless to say I didn't want to have to move back home after I graduated, but I had no choice because I couldn't afford to find a place in the city without a job lined up.

[kcobain]

 [/quote]
I have to admit I used to be terrified of psychiatry, mainly because my mom used it as a weapon. Whenever I'd get too "out of control" she'd threaten to have me institutionalized and given ECT and that having that would be a "black mark" for getting a job, etc. I was also coerced to take anti-depressants which gave me rather bad side effects, and my objections were muted because it was either that or involuntary commitment. I also had to see the same therapist my mom went to, which was rather uncomfortable for me because I didn't trust him, especially after decades of her supposedly seeing the guy and she isn't even aware of being BPD.[/quote]
Newguy, that woman I unfortunately have to call my mother did exactly the same thing to me! Her brother was institutionalization for schizophrenia back in the day when the hospitals could be very violent places for the patients. When I mouthed off to her... . that would be her threat. Shame of them!

Mother did the same thing to me with her shrink back in high school (in the 70s) Of course I didn't trust either one of them so the "therapy" was useless

The best part of being here at this forum is WE ALL understand what you went through... .  no one is going to tell you "oh but your mother was so nice" your pain and damage is real 

[browns4]

If you're looking for validation and answers to the question "Am I crazy?" you've come to the right place. I joined bpdfamily about a month ago, and have read so many posts of adult children of BPD Moms that sound EXACTLY like me! Please feel free to read my introductory post telling my story. I can already hear the similarities... .  my Mom sent me to 8 different psychologists from the age of 12 to 17. (I believe you can look it up under my profile name browns4 or under the message title: MY STORY: ROBBED OF MY CHILDHOOD)

Know this, and tell yourself this in the mirror ten times every day: you are not the source of the crazy. You are a reaction to the crazy, a victim of the crazy, a survivor of the crazy. The fact that you are on this message board is a testament to the fact that DESPITE the crazy you've been surrounded by since the day you were born, you somehow emerged and are ready to start anew. Yes, you're exhausted, disoriented, confused, and overwhelmed. That's how you're supposed to feel after years of treading water to keep yourself afloat!

So be gentle to yourself, be kind and positive and forgiving. During our childhood, our parents are supposed to provide us with the tools to eventually lead a healthy, independent adult life. Look what you've done with the little/no tools you've been given! Absolutely incredible! Miraculous! Truly admirable!

You are not crazy, you are not crazy, you are not crazy!

[FilmFemme]

Hey Nervous Guy,

Don't be nervous! 

I think you are REALLY ahead of the game in a lot of ways!  You have found therapy, finally, and are on your way to healing.  Like you, I didn't go to therapy because "that's for crazy people!" (according to my family) (and clearly none of us are crazy!) (right?).  So I hope you are in talk therapy as well as psychiatry / meds, because it really helps a ton to have someone with a more objective opinion help you think through things - and feel them, too.

As far as the "am I crazy" part - have you read up on the term "gaslighting"?  I was a victim of this to an immense degree to the point that I practically did have a nervous breakdown when I was a teenager.  Time, distance, and therapy has helped.  And getting older, too.

I just wanted to say, don't be too down on yourself.  It sounds like you were painted black (I was too) and your sister escaped.  So don't compare yourself to her, and don't compare your relationships to your parents to hers; you're different people who were treated differently and grew up in different circumstances. 

Also, some things really do take time. Don't expect to be "healed" overnight!  I used to think that one day I'd have this great epiphany and then everything would fall into place, at long last!  Unfortunately, life isn't like that.  Small changes, small victories are really where it's at. They will build on each other.  So keep your chin up.  I think you're going to be just fine!