how do they justify it?

[Depression = 72% of members]

last monday, my ubps started moving out of mom's house.  she met with her psychiatrist on the same day & said he was helping her to do so.  whatever that means.  hallelujah.  mom said she was very calm & focused on her packing.  she offered no indication of where she was going, & mom didn't ask.  S made it very clear that her attention was on the task at hand & couldn't answer any questions.  she relayed that message nicely enough. 

mom got back about 1 1/2-2weeks ago from a 17 day trip.  she had given S a credit card to have her car fixed; it had had a window smashed.  she had also given S $1000 to cover her april bills & food.  S is working 40 hours a week at around $20/hr. i think.  i urged mom to make sure to get the credit card back.  she did so on monday with no conflict.  good, right?  this evening, the credit card statement arrived.  the car repair was on it.  fine.  so was an additional $2600+/-.  what the heck.  some of it was gas for a trip from ga to fla to pick up mom's dogs from our dad's house.  fine.  in a honda civic, that is only about 2 tanks of gas.  what on earth made her think it was ok to charge hundreds at bicycle stores?  or to make 2 charges to christian mingles?  or to spend $500 in one trip to kroger?  or whatever else crap she blew mom's money on?  how does she justify this?  mom worked hard & saved hard.  that doesn't mean that S is entitled to mom's $$  just because she has more than S.  i just don't get it.  mom was shocked, but not even really mad;  just hurt & sad.  S  thinks that mom has so much & S has "nothing" (whose fault?) & therefore mom owes it to S to cover her because she never learned to budget or save or understand money, blah, blah.  i feel bad for my sister because i believe it must be hell to live in her mind, but i also want to kick her in the mouth.  how does she think this is ok?  right now, mom is so done.  we are both so thankful she is out of mom's house.  i hope mom finds the strength to stay done.  i don't know what kind of responses i'm hoping for here, if any, but i think this a better vent arena than letting loose in a scathing email to my sister.  sigh.  what the crap.  i feel for my mom.  so frustrating.    :'(

[beatnik chick]

last monday, my ubps started moving out of mom's house.  she met with her psychiatrist on the same day & said he was helping her to do so.  whatever that means.  hallelujah.  mom said she was very calm & focused on her packing.  she offered no indication of where she was going, & mom didn't ask.  S made it very clear that her attention was on the task at hand & couldn't answer any questions.  she relayed that message nicely enough. 

mom got back about 1 1/2-2weeks ago from a 17 day trip.  she had given S a credit card to have her car fixed; it had had a window smashed.  she had also given S $1000 to cover her april bills & food.  S is working 40 hours a week at around $20/hr. i think.  i urged mom to make sure to get the credit card back.  she did so on monday with no conflict.  good, right?  this evening, the credit card statement arrived.  the car repair was on it.  fine.  so was an additional $2600+/-.  what the heck.  some of it was gas for a trip from ga to fla to pick up mom's dogs from our dad's house.  fine.  in a honda civic, that is only about 2 tanks of gas.  what on earth made her think it was ok to charge hundreds at bicycle stores?  or to make 2 charges to christian mingles?  or to spend $500 in one trip to kroger?  or whatever else crap she blew mom's money on?  how does she justify this?  mom worked hard & saved hard.  that doesn't mean that S is entitled to mom's $$  just because she has more than S.  i just don't get it.  mom was shocked, but not even really mad;  just hurt & sad.  S  thinks that mom has so much & S has "nothing" (whose fault?) & therefore mom owes it to S to cover her because she never learned to budget or save or understand money, blah, blah.  i feel bad for my sister because i believe it must be hell to live in her mind, but i also want to kick her in the mouth.  how does she think this is ok?  right now, mom is so done.  we are both so thankful she is out of mom's house.  i hope mom finds the strength to stay done.  i don't know what kind of responses i'm hoping for here, if any, but i think this a better vent arena than letting loose in a scathing email to my sister.  sigh.  what the crap.  i feel for my mom.  so frustrating.    :'(

[sad but wiser]

Sorry to hear about all of this.  It is always hard to deal with someone who works from a warped frame of reference.  The short answer to your question is that she doesn't feel a need to justify it.  In her mind, her behavior is absolutely fine.  There is a trait of the disorder called "entitlement."  It means that the person with BPD feels like they are entitled to special treatment.  For instance, if you were to ask her whether the situation where someone takes their mom's credit card and uses it for things the mom didn't approve is right or wrong, she would say wrong.  But she doesn't feel it is wrong for her personally, because, well, it is her.  She is entitled.  It stinks, doesn't it?   

[ScarletOlive]

Hey beatnik chick, this sounds like a tough situation. Your sister made some bad choices here and broke your mom's trust. I hear your anger and frustration, and can see where you're coming from. Maybe in the future, your mom could transfer the needed money to your sister or give it to her via check or cash? It might help alleviate the temptation and stress.

[beatnik chick]

it does stink, for sure.  that description was right on. 

mom did deposit $$ for bills into my sister's account, ALSO!  ugh.  s has moved out, thankfully.  she hasn't been in touch with mom since mother's day.  S told my dad she's living at an extended stay hotel.  good.  life for mom has been pretty peaceful these past 2 weeks.

thank you both for your input so much!

[isshebpd]

beatnik chick, I know how you feel. I've watched my uNPDbro take advantage of my parents (uBPDmom and enDad) for many years now. To even begin to calculate how much he has taken while supposedly "working" for the family business goes into the six figures... . and then I just want to stop estimating. What scares me is what I don't know about. It just keeps adding up.

My T tells me I can only control my own actions. I can't make this end. Only my parents can make this end.

[Pilate]

S  thinks that mom has so much & S has "nothing" (whose fault?) & therefore mom owes it to S to cover her because she never learned to budget or save or understand money, blah, blah.  i feel bad for my sister because i believe it must be hell to live in her mind, but i also want to kick her in the mouth.  how does she think this is ok?

My uBPDSIL has similar problems. I think her entitlement traits and risk taking BPD behaviors justify it and her waif/toxic shame traits punish her for it. She is not in treatment, and she cannot curb her impulsiveness. It might be a good idea for your mom to check her credit card statement and look at her credit report. My upbdSIL racked up almost $100K in credit card debt on her dad's credit card by the time upbdsil was in her 40s and used similar rationales that your sister has. He eventually declared bankruptcy. Her dad would give his card to upbdsil to get groceries or other items for him, and she would pay herself for being his personal shopper. She also kept the card and then copied down the number to use online.

I know my uBPDsil feels incredible guilt and shame but swings to entitlement. I have similar feelings, beatnik chick, of compassion for her illness, but anger with her persistent, abusive behaviors. She has been offered so many opportunities for help, but upbdsil is not the only one with unresolved/untreated issues. My dh and I continue to work on radical acceptance with family members, and we have limited contact, which helps.

Money is such an issue for many families even when mental illness is not involved. I'm glad you and your mom have a break right now.

Pilate