Why after all this time has passed am I feeling the hurt again?

[DarkCurls54]

It has been months since I have had any contact with him.  But I am finding myself drawn to his FB page (WHY am I doing this?) and find that he leaves indirect "messages" that are meant for me.  I have a very significant event coming up in my life soon and sent him an email invite.  He simply checked off NO and that was that.  I would love to hear from others who have inexpicably found that their old wounds have opened up again for no apparent reason.  Rationally I KNOW that what I feel I am grieving for is something that never really existed, but I would LOVE some support... .    Would love to hear your stories of how to keep the love we have for the very very damaged person but keep the idea of "relatedness" in the past.  Thank you!   

[fromheeltoheal]

I love the beautiful person under all the BPD crap in my ex, but then I wonder, what is it that I love?  The mirroring she did initially was really a reflection of what she saw as my good back to me, so of course I liked it and thought we were soul mates.  And then I filled in the blanks in her lack of self by projecting my idealized traits onto her.  So what was it really that I loved?  Over time I've come to believe that it was me I loved, which is a good thing, along with a potential for her to be that person, but she just isn't.  I can't fix it, and trying would destroy me, so I just had to let go.  She was pure and perfect at some point, probably infancy, but things got way off track, and decades later have solidified into full time chaos.  I can't fix this.

So to address your point, I've found that seeing the love I had for her is really a love for myself, since you agree that what we thought we had never really existed, and I've also found that I get to acknowledge my capacity to love.  Detaching those from the pwBPD helps, and there's a grieving that needs to happen as you let go.  My intentions were pure, but I would never be the solution; sad, but it's about our healing now.

[Validation78]

Hey Darkcurls!

My advice is to focus more on compassion than love. I really worked on feeling apathy towards my stbxBPDh. I know he is very sick, and will never get better. I had a good life before him, and will have a good life after him. He never could really enhance the life I want. I simply made an error in judgement, and will be better for having realized it before my life is over. I have allowed myself to grieve the loss of what I thought we had, and I am moving on, one day at a time. I enjoy the challenges that each day presents, and am relearning what I need to do to take care of myself. It's the end of one chapter, and the start of another.

BTW, for me, NC (LC actually since we still have a divorce to wrap up) has been the key. He is toxic to my well being. Not being exposed to his influence has been wonderful. Since I feel so much better without him, nothing could make me feel like I want him around for anything, not even a happy, momentous occasion. My attitude has been mistaken for anger, however, that's not it at all. Not to say I haven't felt some anger, however, it is not my general mindset. I feel true ambivalence. I wish him well, but don't care more about him than I do myself!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[lhd981]

DarkCurls:

I am currently going through an identical experience. For some reason, her FB page - which has never really had anything public on it before (she's a self-professed private person) - suddenly seemed to have public posts on it. One was a very specific song about loving someone and letting them go but holding onto their memory, posted four months after our breakup. I smiled a bit when I saw that, but then I realized that it probably wasn't for me, but rather the man she had been emotionally involved with for 2+ years before I came along.

NC is going on 1 year now, and I only reactivated Facebook a few months ago. For a while, I couldn't even stomach the thought of seeing her profile, but I've started look at it recently.

I did think to myself that even if the song she posted was about me, and she wanted me to see it, why would it matter? My love for her was truly directed as a person who doesn't exist. I can type it and say it all I want, but it's a very hard and bitter pill to swallow. I realize that I'm likely quite a bit CD, and my mind's selective whitewashing over many confusing and downright hurtful things she did to me is a sign of this. At the same time, I refuse to give into any kind of contact; even though I feel like I deserve some closure from her, I know that the only meaningful closure will have to come from within.

[fromheeltoheal]

My love for her was truly directed as a person who doesn't exist. I can type it and say it all I want, but it's a very hard and bitter pill to swallow. I realize that I'm likely quite a bit CD, and my mind's selective whitewashing over many confusing and downright hurtful things she did to me is a sign of this. At the same time, I refuse to give into any kind of contact; even though I feel like I deserve some closure from her, I know that the only meaningful closure will have to come from within.

Awesome!  Well put man, exactly how I see it.

[Sharkey167]

My love for her was truly directed as a person who doesn't exist. I can type it and say it all I want, but it's a very hard and bitter pill to swallow. I realize that I'm likely quite a bit CD, and my mind's selective whitewashing over many confusing and downright hurtful things she did to me is a sign of this. At the same time, I refuse to give into any kind of contact; even though I feel like I deserve some closure from her, I know that the only meaningful closure will have to come from within.

Awesome!  Well put man, exactly how I see it.

Agreed. It's crazy to think that we would be so foolish as to love someone who wasn't even there. It hurts.

[fromheeltoheal]

Agreed. It's crazy to think that we would be so foolish as to love someone who wasn't even there. It hurts.

Nah, we weren't foolish, we fell in love with ourselves, which is what got mirrored back to us, and then we filled in the blanks of a missing self with our own hopes and dreams.  I'll be that kinda foolish all day, just gotta be sure we pick a fully formed human next time.

[BradyK]

Hi DarkCurls,

I had a similar experience, and to some extent still do have it, where I will be suddenly very raw with grief and emotion and longing for my ex, when I thought I was doing fine. I think to some extent this is the nature of grief. It is cyclical. But each cycle gets a little easier to handle, and I get clearer about what I am really feeling and why. It's good.

I don't think you can control it, or even should, but you can get very clear on where you want to go and how you want to feel eventually. And you have done that -- you know you want to move on and also that you want to feel love not bitterness. It may be easier to get to that state if you don't focus on the good times and the love right now. Let yourself be angry and remember the truth of the bad times. Give it time. Stay away from him. It will get better. It really will. This is temporary.

[DarkCurls54]

Thanks, Everyone!  These comments are so uncanny!  I am blessed to have you "here" to remind me how pernicious this is and how fortunate I am to have gotten free to the extent that I have.