Relationship just ended

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm joining this board from the undecided board as my undiagnosed BPD partner of 7 years ended it with me yesterday.  We've been separated for about 1 month, and we separated back in the fall as well.  I've been getting more and more exhausted and frustrated by our relationship, and he left when I stood up and angrily let him know that I cannot tolerate the silent treatments anymore.  (we had been having a really great week, started the morning with some amazing sex, and by 10am he flipped out at me - still not sure why - and stonewalled for the next 48 hours until I stood up in anger). He told me I was crazy and he finally has seen the light and we were over, not to talk to him, and he started wildly packing his things and taking his dresser out of our bedroom. When I tried to talk to him, he told me to stop attacking him, he never wanted to talk to me again, and so I left to see a friend and let him do his thing.  When I returned a couple of hours later, he was watching tv on the couch and told me he would leave in the morning.  And then, an hour later, when I came down for some water, he apologized for his anger and said that maybe he had overreacted earlier.  You think?  He offered to live on the 3rd floor while we figured this out, and I said no.  I couldn't live with someone who was angry at me all the time for things I wasn't doing.  So he left.

For the past month, I have set and been able to maintain a boundary of getting together to chat once a week, and only about relationship stuff.  He was looking to chit-chat, go to movies, and act like everything was ok, but I couldn't do it.  It was one silent treatment too many for me, I guess.  I told him the ball is in his court to figure out his anger, etc.  To his credit, he's been going to men's groups and addiction groups for awhile now (he has sex and food addictions), however, there seems to be little to no movement in our relationship.  And I'm just so done with the lack of empathy and [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] for my side of the relationship.  He acts with impunity and ignorance to the effects of his behavior on me.  He breaks deals we've made together and says that he forgot.  He is happy as long as I am happy, but if anything difficult needs discussing, especially about his behavior, then that's the end of any peace.

Not sure how much cross-reading happens between boards (I posted about this on the undecided board), but he bought a motorcycle without telling me, but told my son instead, and told me that because I had set a boundary of not discussing small-stuff, he didn't need to tell me.  I couldn't let this go for my own sake - purchasing a motorcycle is a big decision and I was frustrated that he couldn't recognize that to at least let me know what he'd done, instead of me finding out about it second-hand.  The conversation about that went south (he apologized that I was frustrated, but said *he* was fine with the purchase and not telling me), and ended with him saying the relationship is over because he needs to have a partner who loves him. When I said I do love him, but I'm looking for some understanding, he started ranting about all he's doing to fix himself and can't I just let this go.  In the past, I would have backtracked and switched gears if he started to threaten separation, but I didn't.  I think part of me wanted him to do it so he wouldn't have a reason to hate me.  I am fairly financially vulnerable for the next couple of months as I'm just finishing up my studies, so I am hoping he doesn't completely flip out and pull the rug out from under me financially.  (as in we own a house and are splitting the mortgage and utilities for now - he's living rent-free elsewhere).

I'm still eating/sleeping, and vascillating between feeling relieved and worried about breaking down and wanting him back.  I know this relationship has not been healthy for me, but what I'm reading about being addicted seems so true.  I've put up with a lot of bad just to get those highs. 

3 days ago he dropped by and gave me a hug, telling me how much he misses me, with lots of feeling in his voice.  Yesterday he ended it.  Boy oh boy, I just want to have some stability and dependability in my life.  Period.

Not sure if anyone will read such a long post.  Thanks to any of you that make it this far!

[Healing4Ever]

I'm joining this board from the undecided board as my undiagnosed BPD partner of 7 years ended it with me yesterday.  We've been separated for about 1 month, and we separated back in the fall as well.  I've been getting more and more exhausted and frustrated by our relationship, and he left when I stood up and angrily let him know that I cannot tolerate the silent treatments anymore.  (we had been having a really great week, started the morning with some amazing sex, and by 10am he flipped out at me - still not sure why - and stonewalled for the next 48 hours until I stood up in anger). He told me I was crazy and he finally has seen the light and we were over, not to talk to him, and he started wildly packing his things and taking his dresser out of our bedroom. When I tried to talk to him, he told me to stop attacking him, he never wanted to talk to me again, and so I left to see a friend and let him do his thing.  When I returned a couple of hours later, he was watching tv on the couch and told me he would leave in the morning.  And then, an hour later, when I came down for some water, he apologized for his anger and said that maybe he had overreacted earlier.  You think?  He offered to live on the 3rd floor while we figured this out, and I said no.  I couldn't live with someone who was angry at me all the time for things I wasn't doing.  So he left.

For the past month, I have set and been able to maintain a boundary of getting together to chat once a week, and only about relationship stuff.  He was looking to chit-chat, go to movies, and act like everything was ok, but I couldn't do it.  It was one silent treatment too many for me, I guess.  I told him the ball is in his court to figure out his anger, etc.  To his credit, he's been going to men's groups and addiction groups for awhile now (he has sex and food addictions), however, there seems to be little to no movement in our relationship.  And I'm just so done with the lack of empathy and [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] for my side of the relationship.  He acts with impunity and ignorance to the effects of his behavior on me.  He breaks deals we've made together and says that he forgot.  He is happy as long as I am happy, but if anything difficult needs discussing, especially about his behavior, then that's the end of any peace.

Not sure how much cross-reading happens between boards (I posted about this on the undecided board), but he bought a motorcycle without telling me, but told my son instead, and told me that because I had set a boundary of not discussing small-stuff, he didn't need to tell me.  I couldn't let this go for my own sake - purchasing a motorcycle is a big decision and I was frustrated that he couldn't recognize that to at least let me know what he'd done, instead of me finding out about it second-hand.  The conversation about that went south (he apologized that I was frustrated, but said *he* was fine with the purchase and not telling me), and ended with him saying the relationship is over because he needs to have a partner who loves him. When I said I do love him, but I'm looking for some understanding, he started ranting about all he's doing to fix himself and can't I just let this go.  In the past, I would have backtracked and switched gears if he started to threaten separation, but I didn't.  I think part of me wanted him to do it so he wouldn't have a reason to hate me.  I am fairly financially vulnerable for the next couple of months as I'm just finishing up my studies, so I am hoping he doesn't completely flip out and pull the rug out from under me financially.  (as in we own a house and are splitting the mortgage and utilities for now - he's living rent-free elsewhere).

I'm still eating/sleeping, and vascillating between feeling relieved and worried about breaking down and wanting him back.  I know this relationship has not been healthy for me, but what I'm reading about being addicted seems so true.  I've put up with a lot of bad just to get those highs. 

3 days ago he dropped by and gave me a hug, telling me how much he misses me, with lots of feeling in his voice.  Yesterday he ended it.  Boy oh boy, I just want to have some stability and dependability in my life.  Period.

Not sure if anyone will read such a long post.  Thanks to any of you that make it this far!

[Validation78]

Hi Healing!

Welcome to the leaving board. Sorry you are here, I know you hoped that things would work out. The fact that you were on the undecided board for a bit means that you tried to work it out. Believe in yourself, and that you tried to salvage the relationship, even though you knew that something wasn't quite right. Now, you must begin the healing journey.

Make up your mind to put this behind you, and to do what you must to move forward. You will experience many moments of sadness, anger, doubt etc. Keep your eye and mind on what you know is right for you and your future. It's bad enough that you have invested so much of yourself into this relationship, do you want to look back years from now and say, I wish I had done this sooner? Sounds to me like you know, deep down, that this is not the path you want to follow. You must be strong now, and start your plan.

I believe that the less you are exposed to his toxic influence, the better you will feel. He will probably vacillate as well, and you have to be ready for this. In your weak moments, you may believe that things have or will change. I suppose that is a possibility, however, unlikely. Stay focused on your gut instincts, what you know is right for you. Don't allow his disorder to sway you from your instincts, they are always right.

Make a plan. How will you protect your emotions? How will you start to separate your finances so that you can become independent? You will not be able to count on him, and should be thinking about a plan B should you need it. What can you do now, to love yourself, and start to move your life in a positive direction?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Siamese Rescue]

I'm two weeks out and still in agony and pain over the break up.  We've had zero contact.  First time in 7 years we've gone this long.  It's been horrible for me. 

I'm at war with what I know versus how I feel.  Like you, I tolerated a lot of horrifyingly bad behavior in order to enjoy the intermittent good times and the sporadic "highs".  I'm addicted.  I loved him, but I hated him, but I couldn't throw him away. I believe he went back to his ex and found a new supply. It's simply devastating to me.

Still, I read your post and see all the craziness that I lived.  The lies, the half truths, the "I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you" the gaslighting, the moods, the swings, the actions that never matched the words... .  Exhausting.  He was always in some form of chaos with someone, always had a crisis brewing, always making bad choices that I would try to fix or simply suffer the consequences with him.

I wish I had never met him. The highs do not outweigh the destruction, mental abuse and the time lost.

I'm so sorry you feel scared.  I understand it. Despite my just telling a new friend how to get past all this and move on and repair and rebuild, very eloquently I might add, I can't seem to implement it for myself.  I bounce back and forth between anger and sadness. 

I think a motorcycle purchase is pretty huge.  I also think it's very telling that he would share it with your son but not you.  I hate the way they always make you seem like the police or the authority who isn't "cool' and is like the warden.  They make us their enemy. They force us into these adversarial positions because I've noticed that my only options were: sit quietly and calmly while he lies to me and not give him a hard time about his nutty lifestyle, or be dumped.  Yep, those are the options.

Sucks. I'm sorry you are in this position. 

[Healing4Ever]

Thanks so much for your feedback and support.  The hardest part for me has been validating myself in the face of his mixed and confusing messages. I pretty much have not had any capacity to do that.  Getting some feedback about my situation here is helping me to see I'm not off base.  Maybe I can trust at least in part, my instincts.  I really do want to heal and find peace and happiness in my heart. 

H4E

[Healing4Ever]

Still, I read your post and see all the craziness that I lived.  The lies, the half truths, the "I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you" the gaslighting, the moods, the swings, the actions that never matched the words... .  Exhausting. 

Thank-you for this also - what a "great" list of my life!  I'm wondering what gaslighting means?

H4E

[Validation78]

Yes, the mixed messages are confusing. That's the hook! Bear in mind, it's what has kept you hanging on all along. I speak from experience. You know the truth. You know he's ill, and cannot control his emotions. I don't believe that pwBPD do this with evil in their hearts. We just have to be aware of what is happening, stay one step ahead, and not take the bait. When he tosses you a bone, you must have the inner strength to resist it. History will tell you all you need to know. Be resolute in the pursuit of what you want. Decide this now, and don't allow your emotions to lead you! Your head has the answers, for now, don't listen to your heart!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Healing4Ever]

Wow - just fell into a sad, sad pit.  Realizing I will never get that high again of being in his arms and feeling like the whole world is right.  Definitely my heart speaking, not my head, because I *know* it doesn't last.  It's a good thing he's not close by right now... .     :'(

It's also sad for me that this is all happening during my graduation, birthday, and now mother's day.  All of those I'm having to spend "alone".  My kids are here, and have been here, and you'd think that would be enough.  I'm feeling very sad about that too.  A bit of a pity-party as I see it.  Argggh.

H4E

[clairedair]

Wow - just fell into a sad, sad pit.  Realizing I will never get that high again of being in his arms and feeling like the whole world is right.  Definitely my heart speaking, not my head, because I *know* it doesn't last.  It's a good thing he's not close by right now... .     :'(

Hi H4E

I recognise this feeling.  I used to feel it a lot when we were separated and loved the 'honeymoon' start to our reconciliations when I could feel loved and safe. However, the last time I was with exH, we spent the night together after a few rocky weeks.  I felt reassured by his hugs and tenderness.  Next morning everything was fine and I dropped him off at work and ... .  zilch.  He 'disappeared' again leaving me to work out he'd gone.  Since then, I haven't longed for the comfort of his arms again.  This time (eventually!) I've accepted that I will never feel safe.  But it took years and years of this kind of thing happening before I really accepted this.  I hung on for so long thinking it would be different.

It's also sad for me that this is all happening during my graduation, birthday, and now mother's day.  All of those I'm having to spend "alone".  My kids are here, and have been here, and you'd think that would be enough.  I'm feeling very sad about that too.  A bit of a pity-party as I see it.  Argggh.

Congratulations on the graduation and Happy Birthday and Mother's Day!  Could the combination of events focussing on you be part of his leaving? 

I'm going to end on a positive note - my son phoned earlier to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.  But we live in UK and Mother's Day was in March. He must have picked it up from US tv or something.  I've had a sad day today too (I call it getting a dose of PMS = Poor Me Syndrome) so it was a boost to get two Mother's Day good wishes from him!

[Validation78]

Sorry you are feeling down on a day to celebrate your role as a mother. I know how hard it is. The grief you feel is for a real loss, and you will experience these feelings in stages. It's normal, and it's alright. Focus your attention on being good and nurturing to yourself, and take advantage of the fact that your kids are with you. Treasure every moment with them, and count your blessings. You have so much to be thankful for!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Healing4Ever]

During the separation part, I was limiting contact.  Once a week, figure out relationship stuff, no chit-chat.  I just read somewhere else that this is a way to detach.  It was feeling pretty good. I was optimistic about the future, and didn't really envision us being able to work things out.  I definitely was in control - he didn't like this set-up, and asked me on numerous occasions to get dinner, go to a movie, hang out and do other stuff.  The very things that he wasn't doing anymore when we were together.

Now that he's made the decision to end it, I'm in a completely different place, and I'm devastated and frustrated and sad and overwhelmed.  I feel like he's taken back all control, and he started peppering me with e-mails, texts, and dropping by for various odd things yesterday.  I finally called him and said - I can't do this.  You have to stop popping up.  I needed to continue with some sort of schedule of contact.  That conversation didn't go so well - he said he couldn't pick out times to meet me while we were talking on the phone and would get back to me in a few days.  Which was exactly what I was trying to avoid.  When I resisted this set-up, he called me emotionally needy. 

I can't believe I'm feeling so devastated as a result of switching from separated to done!  I keep reading that it's normal, and part of *my* issues - that I've gotten myself so attached to someone who is emotionally not well.  Man, it really, really, sucks. I feel so alone and my future all of a sudden seems very bleak.  I guess I was holding out more hope than I realized that he would still figure this all out.  Or now I get to be in the very pain that has kept me here - fear of being alone.  I keep reminding myself that it is just sadness and pain - I will survive and find better times.  But my own sabotaging voice tells me that I will always be alone.  As I write this, I see myself in other people's posts, and realize that the living out of this drama is so much worse than can be conveyed through the written word. 

[Healing4Ever]

The other part that is really hard is that no one sees this side of him.  His way of life is to help everyone- and people love him.  He's extremely outgoing and engaging and spends lots of time fixing people's computers, helping them doing house projects, etc. etc.  I, on the other hand, am the one that keeps our house running, the kids/pets fed and to their activities.  Although he inspires me to be more generous in this regard, I feel like mutual friends that only know this part of him will gravitate towards him during this break-up.  Just another overwhelming aspect to this situation.

[Healing4Ever]

New development - My now ex-BPD and I started a soccer team together with mutual friends years ago. (at least 5 years ago).  He's been playing on it for the past 8 months on his own due to my schooling, but we planned to play together during this season.

Since the separation, he had offered not to play so I could see everyone.  Then he offered that we go on alternate weeks.  I didn't show up the first couple of weeks, due to other commitments, and just let him know I'd like to do the alternate weeks arrangement.

He responded by saying that he'd rather we split the games in one night (there are 2 - so one game each).  I let him know I'm not wanting to bump into each other now that things are over, so could we please stick with alternate weeks.  He responded with letting me know that I have issues if I can't see him in public and I need to go to a therapist.  And that he wants to play every week so his solution makes sense and honors both of us.  (how exactly?)  Since the games are back to back, it would mean that we are literally in the exact same place (sidelines of the field) with our team for at least 15-30 minutes, and if he stays around to chat, which I could easily see him doing, then longer.  This *isn't* not bumping into each other!  I'm soo frustrated - perhaps my boundary isn't appropriate because he's on the team too?  Maybe I should just resign myself to stop going?  I'm sad because we have mutual friends there I only see at soccer, and I started out with the solution of alternate weeks because he initially suggested it!

Obviously, I"m still stuck in confusion.  I cannot wait to be able to negotiate with people who can understand where I'm coming from and give me at least that space.  The constant nattering away at my sense of self is exhausting and gets me second-guessing everything.   

If I'm way off base - please let me know.  I'm starting to think that i should just walk away from the team and cut my losses there, but count my gains in mental sanity.  It just feels like he's winning by bullying me though.  Arrrrggghhh... .