Well, 4 1/2 hours of sitting and talking with my exfiance last night. Yikes. No yelling, no real hurtful things said. He swears he left because I was mean to him - he said he meant everything he ever said to me, and he wanted to marry me up until that point.
No yelling, no real hurtful things said... . why? Because he needs you now. And he has sufficient emotional distance not to have his disordered feelings triggered. That will change if you choose to re-engage with him. His behavior will re- cycle.
He swears he left because you were mean to him. Let me elaborate that for him: he left you because he swears he believed you were going to leave him (abandon him) and so he left you first. The problem is, you never intended to abandon him. The problem is, he will always imagine that the ones closest to him will abandon him. This is in the nature of his disorder.
Right now, since he's been distant, he is not dealing with his disordered feelings so much (with you). But this will change. His behavior will re- cycle.
We got into a fight in July and I threw my ring across our apartment. We patched it up immediately and we were fine. During our last fight, which wasn't major, I took my ring off and put it down, because I was done fighting and wanted to go to bed. He swears I threw it down and "you don't get to do that twice" - we obviously disagree on this.
So what does he reasonably expect of you? That you never, ever for the rest of your life take off your wedding rings? Because the minute you take it off, he will expect that you intend to leave the marriage?
Or is the problem not that you might occasionally take off the ring, but rather when he is experiencing his disordered fear that you will abandon him, if at that instance he also sees you not wearing your wedding ring, then this only adds fuels to his disordered fear?
He said he went back and forth and it was hard because he saw how upset I was, and hurt, and felt guilty for doing that, and also for me being good to him. Ultimately, he said he just couldn't handle being hurt anymore.
He saw how upset you were. But he couldn't handle being hurt anymore.
I would argue that for pwBPD, they will always place their own feelings (even/especially the disordered one) ahead of the interest and feelings of their loved ones.
I told him that his actions were not those of someone who loved me, and that he was terrible at expressing his feelings - because I had the rug pulled out from under me with no warning. He agreed that he should have talked more to me and expressed things more.
His actions were, however, consistent with someone who suffers from BPD. People with BPD (pwBPD) act impulsively... . when they have the emotional impulse to act. If/when his (disordered) emotional impulse is: this woman who says she loves me is going to abandon me, then he will do what he must to avoid that abandonment. He will abandon first. Because the person who leaves first is the abandoner. And he can not bear to be the abandoned.
He might agree that he "should" have talked more. But what is he going to do? Convince you that he is right for acting on his disordered feelings? What does he see when he is experiencing his disordered fear of abandonment? He sees you convincing him to stay, telling him that you have no intention to leave him, while his brain is screaming to him that you are only saying this to catch him unaware.
When he is in his (disordered) emotional state, everything you do is interpreted in a way that supports his (disordered) thinking. For pwBPD feelings = fact. Or rather their disordered feelings will alter their perception of what is real.
He kept saying the standard "all good things come to an end" and "better now than later". I of course told him we didn't know what the future holds, and the one thing we could have counted one was the certainty of each other.
And I would argue that it is a certainty, while he is unrecovered from his disorder, that he will be overwhelmed by his disordered feelings again. His behavior will re- cycle.
He said that he's learned about himself and he's speaking up for himself more. He talked about the new girl he's seeing. He told me he doesn't love her, he's not thinking of a future with her, or anything, and speaking up for himself with her instead of being sad. He told me she knows everything, and even has told her how sad our situation is.
Well, I would argue that his feelings were very different before. When you didn't hear from him before, I'd bet money that he was planning on a future with her. That he did love her. Even worse: now that he is getting close to her, his disordered feelings are escalating (again). He is becoming convinced that she will abandon him. And I would argue that *this* is why he is now coming back to you.
For now (while he is devaluing the new girl), he doesn't believe he's ever loved her, that he's not thinking of a future with her. Instead he's going to tell you, that he's always loved you, that he has always thought of a future with you. Until his feelings change. And your role will be reversed (again) with the new girl.
Let him prove that "she knows everything." Why don't he make it possible for you to speak with her? Or is his word enough?
Don't trust what he says. Trust what he does. And what has he done?
The two things that bother me is that he mentioned his concerns about me getting upset with him, and "starting fights", yet mentioned he's had a few arguments with the new girl already. Additionally, he was concerned about my drinking, yet told me he got really drunk about a month ago and passed out, face first, onto a curb. He woke up in an ambulance. He also bragged about quitting smoking, yet split nearly a pack with me.
Why should he be concerned about you getting upset with him, if he has no expectation that he will do anything to upset you?
As for the drinking and smoking, that sounds a bit like projection, no? He drinks too much, so then he *projects* his concern about drinking onto you. He believes he's quit smoking, but no not really... .
Trust his actions, not his words.
Last night was the first time err, EVER, that we sat down and talked face to face. He left in November. He told me he wasn't ready to talk before now, and I told him I needed the conversation to happen months ago - that it made it much more difficult.
He wasn't ready? Or he didn't need to talk to you before now?
What if he spouts out that his feelings for you now are completely different? After this conversation he's realized what a huge mistake he's made? What will you do then?
He said he cares about me, and always will, and worries about my well-being.
These are his words. But what have his actions communicated to you over the last several months?
He sent me two messages, via Facebook, since. One when he got home and another, longer one this morning. I haven't responded. I think I'm stronger from the conversation to go total NC - something I haven't been capable of doing.
I think the contact you had with him may make it more difficult for you to go NC (in the short term). Your interaction with him was mostly positive. This kind of experience will fly in the face of what you've been working on understanding about his issues and his disorder. I hope what I've written put this experience in a context which reinforces your efforts to dis-engage from him.
Best wishes, Schwing
