Manipulative (?) MIL

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I usually post on the "Staying" board but this in regards to uBPD mil.

It has been a very trying 3 years with this woman. She's gone from outright hating me to loving me in varying degrees. The last 6 months has been very bad. I stopped all contact with her because between her and her son (my pwBPD) I'd become very depressed and needed a break from being blamed and painted black by both of them. It was like a triangle of them against me - nothing I did was right, everything was my fault and no matter how hard I tried there was no pleasing either of them.

The last 6 months this woman has been on a campaign to hook her son up with someone else. The things said about me have been unbelieveably hurtful and have been far-reaching to people who have never met me and to people who I'm close to. She openly tells people that I'm the worst thing that ever happened to her son and is doing everything possible to prevent him from going to therapy. (I've outlined all of this elsewhere).

This woman has done things to her own kids that make me ill - I've questioned a million times how she managed to not have her kids taken from her when they were young.

For the last 10 years she's had my pwBPD's D living with her. This girl has had problems for as long as I've been part of this family - she desparately wants to go back to her mother but my uBPDmil does everything humanly possible to keep that from happening. Part of her problem with me is that I've clearly spoken out about my feelings that this girl should be allowed to go back to her mother and not be subjected to a very unhealthy environment at my mil's house. I was very clearly told that I was to mind my own business and stay out of it. Now this child is self-harming and acting out and it's been reported to CPS, which means that everything will be investigated by the proper people.

Now I get to the meat and potatoes of this. For 6 months there's been nc with me - never a call to our house, never a visit. Until last week when someone was sent here to be confrontational, which I did not feed into and sent my pwBPD to handle. The only contact has been the things she's said about me, which I have not reacted to.

Suddenly I get two phonecalls in one day. She NEVER calls here - she always calls his cell. I let it go to machine. It was some excuse for my pwBPD to go running to help her, but also included all the info about what was going on with his D. He went, I said he should.

She knows I've been trying to get my guy into T and has been dead-set against it.

He comes back from her "emergency" and tells me what's going on. With the added info that "she's not mad at you and really wants to talk to you about D to see if you can help her with what D is doing."

What it boils down to is suddenly she wants my help to make this investigation work out in her favor so D won't be allowed to go back to her mother's. And suddenly all the ~ she's said and done against me is supposed to be forgotten... .  

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this. Maybe to outline the severe delusions some ppl w/ BPD have about sense of entitlement, whatever... .  I keep reading about how ppl w/ BPD are not manipulative but if this isn't outright manipulation I don't know what is. A really good example of splitting maybe... .  

If I help her keep D, I will be going against every moral fibre I have... .  If I go against her I will forever be painted black (which suits me just fine). Another wonderful day in OZ... .  

[raindancer]

I usually post on the "Staying" board but this in regards to uBPD mil.

It has been a very trying 3 years with this woman. She's gone from outright hating me to loving me in varying degrees. The last 6 months has been very bad. I stopped all contact with her because between her and her son (my pwBPD) I'd become very depressed and needed a break from being blamed and painted black by both of them. It was like a triangle of them against me - nothing I did was right, everything was my fault and no matter how hard I tried there was no pleasing either of them.

The last 6 months this woman has been on a campaign to hook her son up with someone else. The things said about me have been unbelieveably hurtful and have been far-reaching to people who have never met me and to people who I'm close to. She openly tells people that I'm the worst thing that ever happened to her son and is doing everything possible to prevent him from going to therapy. (I've outlined all of this elsewhere).

This woman has done things to her own kids that make me ill - I've questioned a million times how she managed to not have her kids taken from her when they were young.

For the last 10 years she's had my pwBPD's D living with her. This girl has had problems for as long as I've been part of this family - she desparately wants to go back to her mother but my uBPDmil does everything humanly possible to keep that from happening. Part of her problem with me is that I've clearly spoken out about my feelings that this girl should be allowed to go back to her mother and not be subjected to a very unhealthy environment at my mil's house. I was very clearly told that I was to mind my own business and stay out of it. Now this child is self-harming and acting out and it's been reported to CPS, which means that everything will be investigated by the proper people.

Now I get to the meat and potatoes of this. For 6 months there's been nc with me - never a call to our house, never a visit. Until last week when someone was sent here to be confrontational, which I did not feed into and sent my pwBPD to handle. The only contact has been the things she's said about me, which I have not reacted to.

Suddenly I get two phonecalls in one day. She NEVER calls here - she always calls his cell. I let it go to machine. It was some excuse for my pwBPD to go running to help her, but also included all the info about what was going on with his D. He went, I said he should.

She knows I've been trying to get my guy into T and has been dead-set against it.

He comes back from her "emergency" and tells me what's going on. With the added info that "she's not mad at you and really wants to talk to you about D to see if you can help her with what D is doing."

What it boils down to is suddenly she wants my help to make this investigation work out in her favor so D won't be allowed to go back to her mother's. And suddenly all the ~ she's said and done against me is supposed to be forgotten... .  

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this. Maybe to outline the severe delusions some ppl w/ BPD have about sense of entitlement, whatever... .  I keep reading about how ppl w/ BPD are not manipulative but if this isn't outright manipulation I don't know what is. A really good example of splitting maybe... .  

If I help her keep D, I will be going against every moral fibre I have... .  If I go against her I will forever be painted black (which suits me just fine). Another wonderful day in OZ... .  

[UpwardAndOnward]

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this. Maybe to outline the severe delusions some ppl w/ BPD have about sense of entitlement, whatever... .  I keep reading about how ppl w/ BPD are not manipulative but if this isn't outright manipulation I don't know what is. A really good example of splitting maybe... .  

my BPD mother has the most severe degree of entitlement, more so than anyone I have ever met. She is also beyond manipulative and I am convinced operates only based on ulterior motives. She is extremely divisive and works her best to turn myself and brothers against each other. All these behaviors are part of her disorder- whether its termed textbook 'symptomatic' or not-- it is not possible that a functioning, healthy mind would act with the manipulation that she does... .  

My heart goes out to you. having a partner wBPD is beyond draining im sure, and to throw a MIL in the mix truly is not a situation I envy. You sound grounded and able to deal with it your best- so keep doing what works to take care of you!