Happy Mother's Day to us all

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just wanted to drop by to wish a happy Mother's Day to everyone here who had to learn to self-parent instead of the mom they were supposed to have ... .

This day is very triggering for me. Reading all the fb statuses and hearing all day about all the great mothers everyone had and how much they have to be 'thankful'.

And I'm just here wishing I had someone to thank for anythjng ... .

I realized I do have . Myself. I work hard to fill the role of nurturer and caretaker that I never received and its more difficult than anyone will ever know ... .

So yeah

Happy Mother's Day to y'all

[Desire]

Just wanted to drop by to wish a happy Mother's Day to everyone here who had to learn to self-parent instead of the mom they were supposed to have ... .

This day is very triggering for me. Reading all the fb statuses and hearing all day about all the great mothers everyone had and how much they have to be 'thankful'.

And I'm just here wishing I had someone to thank for anythjng ... .

I realized I do have . Myself. I work hard to fill the role of nurturer and caretaker that I never received and its more difficult than anyone will ever know ... .

So yeah

Happy Mother's Day to y'all

[skelly_bean]

Thank you I was thinking about this so much in the last couple of days. I owe MYSELF a mother's day card haha. I'm sitting here struggling to write my mom a mother's day card that doesn't sound cold or harsh but isn't inauthentic.

What an awkward holiday. Sorry it is so triggering. Take good care of yourself today.   to you 

[Desire]

Thanks

Good luck with that card

I don't think I can honestly send anything that's even a bit truthful... .

[UpwardAndOnward]

everything you said was so so true. i was doing the same thing on fb- wondering what it would be like to have a mom to trust and depend on. but I agree, "heres to ourselves!" for being more normal and grounded than I probably should, with so many odds against me. i turned out good and i will be a great mom.

[mommies dearest]

Mother's Day is a major trigger for me too.  Facebook yesterday was the pits.  I stayed off as much as I could.  Hugs to all of you

[donniesgrrl]

Well it's the day after and I am having a huge conflict of conciense.  I sent my mom cards, she as far as I know did not send me anything nor did I hear from her yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling like I should have had the kids call her or sent her a text as well or something.  But then their is a large part of me that feels like, we haven't really spoken in over 2 months, nor does she ever call to check on the kids, she did nothing for me for Mother's day, and at least I sent her cards, which I know she will most likely claim she never got, to play the victim.  But I still feel like I should have done more, I don't know, just feeling very off today, despite having a wonderful day with my MIL and my Husband and kids... .  Thoughts?

[GeekyGirl]

Well it's the day after and I am having a huge conflict of conciense.  I sent my mom cards, she as far as I know did not send me anything nor did I hear from her yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling like I should have had the kids call her or sent her a text as well or something. 

It goes both ways, donniesgrrl. You're a mother, just as your mother is. You recognized the day in a way that was appropriate for you. Your mother chose to not acknowledge the day. What's behind the feeling that you should have done more?

But I still feel like I should have done more, I don't know, just feeling very off today, despite having a wonderful day with my MIL and my Husband and kids... .  Thoughts?

I'm sorry that you had a rough day.   I know that feeling too. I hope you were able to enjoy the time with your kids, MIL and DH, though. You deserve happiness.

[donniesgrrl]

It goes both ways, donniesgrrl. You're a mother, just as your mother is. You recognized the day in a way that was appropriate for you. Your mother chose to not acknowledge the day. What's behind the feeling that you should have done more?

I guess it goes back to that age old, Do everything for mom and put yourself aside, I always was the one who planned everything, who did everything when it came to Mother's day and I feel guilty thinking about her being alone, however I also know that She could have spent some time with us, if she could just agree to move forward and let go of this need for an emotional dump session, but I also know that is an impossible feat for her, and I am protecting myself from her getting into it with me.  If I choose not to engage it only incites her more, and its really like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I know she is incapable of rational thoughts in that respect, I will always be the one who did something to her, this very low contact is all my fault, and I am the wicked one, I did all of this to her and she is responsible for nothing. 

I just wish I could have a normal mom and it really really sucks.

[mindfulness]

Well it's the day after and I am having a huge conflict of conciense.  I sent my mom cards, she as far as I know did not send me anything nor did I hear from her yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling like I should have had the kids call her or sent her a text as well or something.  But then their is a large part of me that feels like, we haven't really spoken in over 2 months, nor does she ever call to check on the kids, she did nothing for me for Mother's day, and at least I sent her cards, which I know she will most likely claim she never got, to play the victim.  But I still feel like I should have done more, I don't know, just feeling very off today, despite having a wonderful day with my MIL and my Husband and kids... .  Thoughts?

I just wrote a post about this exact thing -- check it out. Sounds like we are going through very similar things right now. I obsessed for so long about how to handle mother's day and no matter what I did I'm sure I would have felt either guilty or mad at myself for doing too much. I went in the direction of doing less and so ended up feeling very guilty.

It is such an endless battle we fight as children of borderlines... .  we have been so trained to feel guilty and to make all of our decisions and actions based upon what will make us feel the least guilty and what will make our BPD mothers the happiest/least angry. It's a hard pattern to break, we've been doing it all our lives. Doing something because it's what WE want, and in order to honor our own feelings -- it's not what we're used to. I have to keep telling myself over and over that whatever I choose to do with my mom, there is no "right" or "wrong," despite the fact that she wants to portray it as such. It's about how I feel and what I want to do. I don't owe her anything.

My therapist helped a lot on this front. I've been NC with my mother for many months and I recently told my therapist I was feeling guilty, like maybe I should have done more to prevent things from devolving to this NC state. She said, "so what if you should have done more?" I said, "Well maybe it means I really am a bad daughter." Her response, "And even if you are a bad daughter, so what? She is a bad mother. You don't owe her anything. You are allowed to make mistakes once in a while. She is the parent, not you."

That conversation is one I have to keep reminding myself of. That a) just because she has me believing I'm a 'bad daughter,' doesn't mean I am. And b) even if I am, that's okay. I don't have any obligation to be a 'perfect daughter' to her. And c) I'm allowed to do whatever I want, it's my life, my choices, and not everything has to be based on what kind of reaction it will provoke in her.

Hope you are feeling better today. Facebook was a nightmare for me yesterday, and my husband who is normally very comforting was not of much help because he doesn't think Mother's Day is an important holiday. I get his point, but he doesn't get that it's more about what it represents and how it triggers things for us BPD children... .  

[Claire]

Thanks for starting this thread. I noticed this year especially that social media was full of mother's day wishes (always to the "best mom in the world", and yeah it's awkward. It's also a great chance to thank those who have been "mother" in our lives in one way or another. And as you mentioned to see our own strength in the self mothering or sibling mothering we have done in our younger years.

[skelly_bean]

I just wish I could have a normal mom and it really really sucks.

Amen, sister. It's a special kind of burden to be raised by a dysfunctional mother.

Thank goodness for generic e-cards. 

[cleotokos]

Mother's day was rough for me this year. The day before, my mom sent me an email that provoked a disagreement between us. I feel like she does it so she can feel sorry for herself on mother's day about what bad mean children she has. So I was pretty down on Mother's day, watching all these people walk by with flowers for their moms. Then my boyfriend and I decided to go out for lunch (he has his own mom problems) and we had comfort food. We felt better

Congrats to all who made it through another one!